The Best of Me

Epilogue

2012-02-01T02:45:00.001+05:30

Another chapter in my life draws to a close as i prepare to spend the last of my days in this MBA institute. Have been through a lot of different circumstances, experienced gloom, sadness, happiness and complete ecstasy. I have never been fond of studying and i felt the pain again after 4 years of working when i had to prepare for all the exams, quizzes and presentations. To top it all, having to stay awake in classes was a big problem. I still remember being caught sleeping 4 times by the same prof in the first term itself. No wonder i was nicknamed SOTI.... :) (though it came about on the rural immersion trip). I knew staying awake would be a problem but i guess i crossed all limits during these two years :)

Before coming to Indore, I had heard a great deal from different people about the quality of food and different delicacies you can find here. I was excited no doubt but I was hugely disappointed as apart from a few places rest had nothing special about them. Don't know if i could call a particular dish made better in this town than anywhere else but yes i can get almost everything available here in every other place. Moreover, mess food as expected was useless and I spent almost 3 days a week eating outside. All the time going to only one place near the institute whose every dish includes cheese and sometimes only cheese. Result: Zero bank balance but inflated tummy till the point it started looking shameful :(((

My life here has revolved around a lot of TV series and movies. The fact that there aren't any places to hang out in this town (refraining from calling it a city) has only helped in the despair that surrounds whenever the point of 'going out' is discussed. There is nothing you can do in your free time and this sense of wastefulness really gets to you day by day. Although we do have a 3 month old sports complex operational in the campus, i have never gotten around to make full use of it and i accept that it is inertia on my part that is responsible. Still it counts for little when all you can do is go to a mall, roam around (as u can't shop with zero bank balance) and come back.

One thing i have done in these two years is learn more about human behavior. I have gotten to know a lot more about how people are/can be. I have always known that no one is your own and there are some motives attached always but coming face to face with some has not been a pleasant experience. All my life i have found a couple of friends that i could call my own-those i can count on no matter what and those who know what I'm going through by just reading my words. Sadly, though I've failed to find those here. I mean yes they are good friends but not all weather friends. Those who know me also know that i don't get angry or sad easily when it comes to people around me but if i look at myself today, I'm not so sure. There seems a pain inside me that refuses to go away no matter what i do. I hate being like this but i guess i feel a sense of betrayal that i have not experienced ever and this is what is probably hurting the most. People told me how these two years would be the most exciting years of my life and yes i know couple of you reading this would call me the cribber (like always) but i would definitely not agree that these were the best years of my life.

Without getting into specifics i would say that i was a sort of a misfit for this program. Many times i thought about why i am here and what i can accomplish. These self-doubts exist even today but i guess they've quietened down since last week. To be honest, I ain't actually proud of anything i did in the two years i have spent here. Looking back, i see how different things could have been and yes given a chance I would love to go back and change a couple of them. Maybe then i wouldn't feel the way I'm feeling right now......

Casting Out The Demons!!

2011-12-01T01:56:00.000+05:30

Looking back at all the things i have written from my shaiyari to my poems and now to my articles, i have come to realize one thing - I am a lousy writer. There are some efforts i do like but they constitute a very small part of the crap i have dished out over the years. Come to think of it, i have forced my friends to read all of it. So if you are reading this and thought the same way, i am truly sorry. I always believed that penning your thoughts is all that matters. The words should flow and the content would take shape no matter what. That's what happens always. I start writing something and then without thinking where it is heading, i simply keep adding random words to try and make sense but mainly to fill up space. That is probably why most of my writings are loquacious.

I have many times recounted the pain i have been through in my articles and poems and have been scolded by one and all to cheer up. But sadly, it is when i am sad that the best works come out. If i'm writing in a jovial mood, it usually is pretty idiotic. Tragically, i can''t seem to find words to write anything meaningful every time i feel sad. So this has made me wonder, what it will take to write something good. Does it have to be physical pain or emotional. If the latter then of what kind? An analysis of the past shows that love has got something to do with it. It is the heart burn, the pain inside that tears one apart which causes something good to come out. I believe i'm right as that what great artists too like to say. I recently saw 'Rockstar' the hindi movie and was impressed with how the protagonist was able to take pain and translate into soulful music.

It's a movie and we are made to believe that is what some would say but i disagree. I think the concept holds merit. I'm no rockstar but i know how inspiring pain can be. How it can let you push your limits and bring out the best along with the worst. The anger and the hate manifest themselves in different forms that are borne by those near to us. The pain however, manifests itself into art. That's how the wheels of life keep moving. Not all music, poems, art are filled with pain though and yes the artist can be in a good mood to produce a masterpiece but i am sure that no. won't be a large one. I have used it as one to write some well written though uninspiring articles while getting mad at my family for no reason at all.

All this analysis has brought one interesting fact forward i.e. how i am able to calm myself down by writing or listening to music. I believe it is because these media allow me to express the real me unafraid, unabashed and quite vocal. Away from the scorching eyes and the comments, they allow me to be me. They are not just an expression but a part of me. That is why i feel it important for others to accept my choice of music and my writings. That is why i want them to read my articles as in a weird way i'm looking for acceptance. Some may call it dramatic but i guess i'll settle for artistic. True the portion of art is hugely limited but the point is delivered I guess. So as i wrap up this article and send it across for my friends to read, I am sure i will hear a chuckle or two but largely it would be overlooked. But that is fine with me as it has been a learning experience nonetheless for me.

Divided India

2011-09-14T07:03:00.001+05:30

I wasn't planning on writing on this page today. In fact it wasn't even on my mind. Browsing through FB i caught hold of some blog by a girl and started reading it (I don't know anything about the girl). After reading her article which i found to be quite inflammatory, i thought i'd comment but then I looked at the 227 comments already there. I again thought that this must be an old article that's why the high no of comments but then i see that the first comment was posted only 2 days ago. So i started reading a few comments and they were people expressing their views either towards the author or a community or others. To be very frank i wanted to comment on how i feel that what has been written is all wrong and how could anybody post something like that and that the author should go check out her own backyard before commenting on others etc. etc. But then being me i couldn't bring myself to write something that's just gonna get washed away in the barrage of comments the page is getting.
However, i couldn't stop myself from posting my 2 cents on the discussion (though i didn't take names or any sides). This prompted me to take a look at my own blog and what's going on and i see that my last entry got only 1 comment :(. Now i know that there are other biases at play and yeah probably my writing or for that matter my choice of topics is not as impressive. So i read my last 2-3 articles and came across one that i wrote on hate. I had mentioned how people in general usually don't hate stuff (though they might say so) but they tend to highly dislike it. I had built my prose on the promise that hate is a very strong feeling and you need to be hurt really bad to hate somebody or something. But going through the webpage and the comments mentioned on that webpage i realized that what i wrote was from my perspective and it would be folly to generalize it.
The content was highly degrading, immature and self centered to say the least and it made me sad to know that a literate (not educated mind you) girl could have expressed such ostentatious comments which clearly reek of high levels of irresponsibility. At this point i would like to mention that we say we are one nation and that everyone is a proud Indian, but I don't think that's true. We are a nation as recognized by the world and tried to accomplish by the Britishers during their reign but sadly we are still a lot of small pockets of people following a particular theme or way of life secluded from everything else. The only point perhaps we can say we are one nation and that we stand together in unity is an India-Pakistan cricket match. Makes you feel sad doesn't it. Many would call this as unity in diversity but my friends we do not have unity. Cracking jokes and taking potshots in a good humorous manner are all acceptable but that is not the case when you go talk to people about such stuff.
What you get if you have the courage to dig deeper is complete sense of ignorance, condescension, disregard and at many times, pure hate. Be it how people from north term anything below Maharashtra as south or people from the southern states calling everybody above Maharashtra as Punjabis, we have to acknowledge the fact that there is hardly any respect these days among people for each other. This divide based on region, caste, religion, social status etc is really appalling and it then makes me sad to hear the words one nation, one country from the same people who practice all this. Yes i'm talking about stereotypes and eliminating them from our lives might be impractical if not impossible, agreed. But do we really need to hate somebody just because they come from a particular region or speak in a particular way? These issues have existed with us even before the Mughal rule. India then too was conglomeration of small kingdoms fighting among themselves to gain few pieces of land and it still is.
Now, is there someone to blame for the mess we are currently? Yes lots and lots of people, but how do you individually attribute the cause to them? I mean, how can you tell Aurangzeb that he ruined the good work done by Akbar (in some respects though) in soothing out Hindu-Muslim relations? Or for that matter, today's political bigwigs for failing to address this rot. Fact is, you know things could be better and you want them to be but nobody is willing to take the next step. Status-quo is what people want and don't want to be bothered with anything although it seems a fairly decent discussion topic over tea and chips. People seem to have lost hope in the system and just want to live as per their own wishes. Coming back to the article in question, i feel that the author acted irresponsibly in allowing her post which might be considered inflammatory to be spread around like a media campaign. Motives can be questioned and failure to take any notice of the deterioration in the discussion on the topic is unpardonable.
So this reinforces my point that we live in a divided India with people not ready to accept other people's existence and always following regionalism, casteism, communalism etc. Words can't begin to describe the dismay i feel right now. We talk about inclusive growth and growing economy and growing literacy rates but what good is all that if we don't get educated? By educated i mean learning to know what is right and what is wrong. This concept if applied to all aspects of our life can transform an entire generation if not the nation and that would be a huge achievement. I know i'm being idealistic here and being a professor of practicality it goes against my nature but seeing the woeful condition of affairs i am begging for it all to at least slow down and take a break. After all where will this hatred take us? Will we in 20 years time end up as 30 odd independent nations? A frightful thought but a possibility nonetheless. Is there anything we can/must do?
I request all the readers of this article to think over this thought and ponder on where we are heading. If in anyway you agree with me, please spread the word and try to be a countryman first before being a region/religion/caste strong man. Please lets change the way we think.....................

Hate

2011-05-14T15:23:00.000+05:30

Hate is a very strong word. Somebody must have wronged you or someone you love very bad for you to develop such a feeling. There is a big difference between you not liking something and you really hating it. There are many things that one may not like but hate is something different, something what the jihadis have for India or Palestine for Israel. So if you get a measure of what i am trying to say then you would appreciate the fact that it is something very personal and emotional. I know many of you feel that i 'hate' almost everything but actually its more like not liking those things and there are very few things i actually hate. I don't like any good thing that happens for the people/things i hate and i cringe at the very thought of such things and you can say i hate those people who promote such things. So where am i going with all this? Today i want to talk about the thing i hate on God's green earth.
Throughout its more than 130 years of existence Congress party of India has been the single major political force in the country and still remains a fierce opponent. But if we take a look at the years of rule the country has spent under them then it paints a sad story. Had it not been for the heroics of the revolutionaries under Azad, Bhagat Singh and others (sadly whose name i can't remember) we would have been under the british rule for another 25 years. After independence, Nehru let the democratic system to rot to such an extent that corruption became another word for bureaucracy. No wonder the biggest scams and controversies always involve a congress leader or a strong ally. Bofors (64 crores), JMM bribery case, Madhu Koda (4000 crores), Sharad Pawar's food scam, Commonwealth 2010 (30000 crores unofficially), 2G scam (>1 lakh crores) and countless others that probably have not come to light. Sadly though all are yet to be proven in the court of law Each one where the country lost its millions to Swiss bank accounts.
If corruption was not enough decisions of the leaders in power have scarred the nation for the worst. Be it Nehru for rejecting UNSC permanent seat, supposed creation of LTTE by Rajiv Gandhi, still to be judged massacre of sikhs by Tytler, emergency declaration by Indira Gandhi, reported atrocities by Sanjay Gandhi etc. One great leader once said that all congress wants is to stay in power, they don't care what's the status of the country or where it is heading. So true if you consider what potential we had and what we are currently at. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they are fools or anything. In fact I think they have some of the best minds in this country. It would take a lot to carry out plans for such big frauds and devising strategies to make the right kind of noises before elections to win the seats. That's what makes congress a deadly opponent because they know how to influence voter opinions. Sure, congress supporters will come up and say that they have done so much for the progress of the country which i'm not ready to acknowledge here. The GDP growth, standard of living etc etc. and of course the fallacies of other political parties (BJP, Shiv Sena, Left etc etc.)
First lets talk about the other political parties. I'm not saying they are good or better than congress but there are levels which i am willing to accept. I don't condone Godhra and it saddens me to think of it even but apart from that there are fewer scams and controversies connected to them and hence i would say choose the lesser of the two evils. Second, the growth the country has seen in the last decade. To be honest, i feel that it began with the Vajpayee government. That paved way for world to acknowledge that India is the next destination and that GOI will act favorably to investments. Congress, just carried forward those policies and built on that groundwork to take India to where it stands today and this again refers to my initial point of making the right noises at the right time. there have been instances of the public not happy with the way govt. functions but come election time those issues are brushed aside and a rosy picture is painted to fool the public. Brilliant minds at work i would say.
So i guess by now you knowthat i hate the very existence of the congress. I can never forgive it or its leaders for the loss they have brought to this country. I know many would not agree with me but I'm not writing this to please/convince anyone. This is what i feel and nothing can change that. I wrote it because i wanted to as this is something personal and important to me.

A Second Coming

2011-05-08T14:12:00.000+05:30

Ok i'm back after another 2 months in isolation. Remembering those times when i used to write something every week. Though in the past i have written on politics and sports and entertainment but somehow i don't want to do that today as there's already been written too much about all the recent events. But there is something i think that deserves attention and it is the ability of film makers to go beyond the ordinary and produce a gem of an item. Going back 7-8 months, there was Christopher Nolan's INCEPTION which left everyone wanting for more and simply unsure of whether they are real or living some dream. As impressive that movie was, i came across another great movie in Source Code. I am a fan of human intellect and when people can produce great works of art like these movies it surely makes for great viewing.

Such movies force you to use your mind and make you think and question your existence. The very essence of why you are here and what purpose you serve on this earth. It makes me wonder and going back to the days of Matrix, whether what i'm feeling is real or just some program being run to make me believe in something that actually is fake. Nonetheless it has its own excitement and thrill attached to it. But believe me, that euphoria is usually short lived. I mean you can sit and think about the meaning of your existence only for so long. There will come a time when you will move on and venture back into the daily routine of your life. The routine that we all love and something we set ourselves into and any deviations from it just don't seem that interesting to follow.

A change of scenario though at times is quite welcome and this brings me to the second part of what i want to talk about here today. The first year of MBA is over and as i sit in my seat at the office i am doing my internship in, i just can't fail to remember the 4 years i spent in Pentair. The car pool to and from office. The endless early morning discussions. The call to breakfast table (thanks to Lord Gulati). Eating lunch together an d of course the wonderful feeling of TGIF!!, a phrase made popular by the movie Bheja Fry!! So i sit at my desk and wondering at times what i'm doing here and surely missing all the wonderful times i spent in my last organization. This makes me wonder how my life one year down the line would be? Will i have a group of friends to call my own and spend my time with?

There are other moments, other people in my life today that make it worthwhile but i sure miss those good old days and i don't know whether something like that will ever happen again. Looking forward to the coming times i know i'll be missing my friends a lot when they leave for Europe and there won't be much time left for us to spend together after that. So i guess what i'm trying to say through all this is that there are moments you would give anything to have back. Cherish those moments and make them count so that in future when you take a look back at what all you have done, these come and bring a smile to your face. I don't want to get preachy about it but i guess my second coming as a working professional has indeed awakened some memories and remembering those times has just made me a bit emotional. A temporary deviation from the routine and i know this phase would soon be gone too. So those of you who have had the patience to read all this i say thank you for listening to my thoughts and goodbye and have fun...!!!

Past, Present and the Future

2011-02-25T18:43:00.000+05:30

B'day gone, New year gone, Valentine's day gone, so what is it that is making me write on my blog after almost 8 months? The fact that I wanted to write on it for so long but somehow didn't get the motivation to do it. I have wasted a lot of time during the last year doing nothing and gaining up on my weight with astronomical broadening of my belly. I mean I have grown really fat really quickly. Gone are the days when i could call myself slim. But fat is not the only thing i have added to my name recently. The continuance of poor academic performance and even poorer network (even in a batch of 450) have only helped in making the matters more unpleasant. Sure, there are some people i have really enjoyed being with and would never want to part company with them but it hurts to lose some of the good friends i had developed over the years.

Life has been a roller coaster ever since i came here. With tussles for everything and me obviously too reluctant to do anything it took a lot to get what i wanted initially. Time has been a constraint to do a lot of things is what i tell others. But deep down i know that things could have been much different had i really decided on my priorities. Not a day passes when i don't dwell on how different i wanted things to be. People say that i complain a lot and that I'm never happy with anything but there must be some method to it is what i believe. For a person who doesn't like to point fingers and doesn't express his views too often, i still find the situations too damn sad to not comment and sit by the wayside.

I mean where do i begin. Not a week passes with me not wishing of having got into another b-school and ruing the missed opportunities. Its the system here that makes my cringe. People not fit to manage themselves, heading an institute that shapes the careers of the country's future managers. The most mis-managed management school is what I'll put the name down as. From stupid rules and regulations to gross misuse of power. Students are not the first priority here with the administration living in a dream world of 80's. There is just so much pent up frustration that i don't know what i would do with all of it. Guess only thing that keeps me going is the company. Could write a book on why i hate being here but there are probably only 2-3 reasons why I'm still here that outweigh everything else.

Now i don't mean that there is all sad and woeful moments in my life here. There have been really exciting times too when i have really let my hair down and enjoyed a lot and feel happy and thankful to god for allowing me to be a part of those activities. I have managed to do couple of things that i always dreamed about and it feels good knowing that. There are things to look forward to and the anticipation makes it worth the wait. But a question mark also hangs over my head as to if I'm like this right now, what will happen to me 6 months down the line when most of the people I'm close to will go on exchange leaving me feeling a bit lonely and sad. But sure that day will come too when we all will leave this campus and head towards our careers with new vigor and zeal.

Still, i feel like i am somehow not touching my full potential and as such there is a lot more than i can do with myself. There are goals i set for myself everyday but somehow fail to work towards even one single item. Have i just lost the plot and am just running for the sake of it to pass time? It's a costly way to pass time though i might add. but as i fail to achieve every target that i set, my resolve to meet my goals gets stronger and i know there will be a day when i will meet them and that day the shackles will break and i would probably be able to say that i have turned a new leaf. when that day will arrive is hard to say and will it be too late for me and what i have in mind is also not clear to me but all i really can do is try to work towards it and hope that i am able to achieve what i want.....

Groans and Excitement

2010-07-10T18:54:00.000+05:30

Okay, so its been another month that has passed me by and come to think of it i can for a change do tell you a few things i remember about this time. The biggest news of all was my finally having laid hands on my long lost dream of getting into an IIM. So i have finally done what i had worked so hard for the last 4 years or so and right now sitting in my room in IIM I i can say that i am feeling excited but scared, happy yet sad and god knows what. I'm like a mixed bag of emotions. Couldn't have asked for more. Yes i'm concerned about a few people left alone back in Delhi and yes i miss a whole hell lot of people but still i'm learning to cope with it. The last 4 years flash before my eyes again and again whenever i'm alone doing nothing right from the time when i joined my company and screwed up on the first big test to the time when i was praised and appreciated, when i left the company, for all that i had done and accomplished in the last 4 years. It sure feels very good thinking about all this and all the experiences i have had during this time.
To be honest there were times when i really didn't want to work in my office but yes the last year has been very good and i do miss my office days. I knew it would be hard but still it does pinch moving away from a settled routine. But on the positive side i have found a new routine which is as much exciting. So it was hard to leave Delhi not knowing when i will be back for a long time again. I mean yes there will be breaks between semesters but 3-4 days max. First time i have stepped out of Delhi for what seems to be a really long time. Leaving my parents who have been always there with me. Leaving my friends and colleagues behind has been hard too. I miss the breakfast, Sanju's call for lunch at 12:30, then trying to find Gullu at 1 and holding the lift for him. I miss the trips to the cafeteria for coffee with JP and Vipinji. The long drive back home via my favorite spot in Delhi - CP. Man writing this is making me so misty eyed.
So what i'm trading for all these moments and memories? I am trading a life of excitement, hardships, fun, sadness, happiness, disappointment. But i guess it was time to move on from my earlier life as i had promised myself that no matter what i would leave Delhi before this year ended. Not that i had gotten bored, but because i knew i needed to shake up my life and get certain things and people out of my system. So i delivered on my promise and here i am living with strangers and still a bit at home. Now as you might or might not know, the life at a b-school is tough. Cut throat competition for everything from marks to placements to GIRLS!!! So am i bothered? Hell yeah what do you take me for? Okay, a bad joke but yes i'm a little bit nervous but i know this is where i have to be for the next 2 years and i will manage somehow. In fact i would have to manage as it's not an option for me.
So lugging 5 heavy weight books and the weight of a lot of expectations, i begin my sojourn from this place right in the middle of the country. To make the path sweeter, i just got news that one of my good friends will soon be coming to Indore and yeah weekends will be special and a little better. In all this i forgot about the other big news, Spain in football world cup finals. How awesome is that? I supported Spain from day 1 although none of my friends agreed with me. I told everyone how this time its Spain time but no one agreed. Brazil, Argentina, Germany...even England, god knows what names were thrown up. This is not to belittle these teams but i had my faith in the team i support and i knew they will make it. So i guess now i can be bashful and go on to say that people who watch football once in 4 years have no right to predict the winners. Sorry if it hurt someone's feelings but i can't help it, I'm so happy. Desperately waiting for tomorrow night's final between two really good teams. Watching with so many people together will only add to the excitement.
So here i am, writing my first article from this city of great cuisines and telling everyone that i am fine and that i miss them a lot. Keep in touch is all i can add. Guys don't forget me and do keep calling on a regular basis on my new no. I'm a student now, so don't expect me to call damnit :P :P. This is me signing off. Tc and NJOI!!!!!!!!!!

Movie Time

2010-06-12T20:39:00.000+05:30

Ok maybe not an apt title for this article but i felt i needed to write something about RAAJNEETI. There was a lot said and written about the movie even before it was released, with the only national party in the country slapping a one week ban and what not. But i was sure i would enjoy the movie simply because it was made by one of my favorite directors - Prakash Jha. Prakash has the uncanny knack of delivering high octane movies with gripping performances by his leading stars. Apharan and Gangajal standout as the master pieces based on the hindi heartland politics of the country and needless to say i love them. So the movie was released to much fan fare and people were disappointed to some extent on what had been portrayed. Maybe they expected something else or maybe the plot was all to predictable for them and yes their opinions were heard and carried forward to many others.
People saw the similarity between the movie and the epic Mahabharata and labeled the movie as a spin-off, opinions though harsh but yet accepted. There was appreciation for the performances and meatier roles for Ajay and Nana was what everyone called for. But i stayed away from commenting and following all this news as i was sure that i would love the movie. And god damn i did. It was a stupendous movie with great effort put in by everyone. Yes there were some similarities, yes it might have been too predictable at times. Yes it went overboard in the end but people lets not forget it was not that this wasn't told to us earlier. Much like when RGV said he made Sarkar as an ode to the Godfather, Prakash Jha also came out and said how he had adapted the Mahabharata to the modern political scene.
So it was all there before us. And i have to admit, it was a great movie. Prakash once again delivers a great movie with edge of the seat action. Agreed having known Mahabharata it felt like being cheated but one must understand that it is a totally different ball game to make the actors follow the directors' lead. To bring out the kind of performances especially from Arjun Rampal would have taken a lot. Lets face it Arjun has never been good at acting but he shines through in the movie. Goes to show what skills Prakash Jha has. I loved the movie and am happy that i didn't listen to the naysayers and maintained my belief. This i believe is something i should do more often, believing in what i feel is right.
When Vishal Bhardwaj made Kaminey, many critics slammed the movie stating it wasn't that good. But having received a similar criticism for Omkara and then knowing how good a movie it really was, I was sure Kaminey too would be good and i was not let down. Vishal did justice to the script and the actors supported him. He did give us a good film with good music. What more can you ask for? So one thing i would follow from now on is go and watch a movie without thinking too much about what others are saying. I know that there are some movies you can definitely miss based on opinions just because they are too bad to begin with. But the movies that are good always make the right noises before they are released and they have the right stars in them. Thats what one should really look for and i'm sure you will never feel let down.
The biggest plus point with Raajneeti though is that even though the story might seem clichéd to few, it still doesn't ask you to fore go logic to move through the movie. This is one point that helps you ease through as the movie progresses. Hence, all in all a wonderful movie and a great time spent and a really happy critic!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet Little Annoying things!!!

2010-05-23T23:54:00.000+05:30

This is not a happy effort. This is more of a complaint. Not of mine alone but of the millions other who face these problems everyday in their life. The small stuff in our lives that we don't know what to do about yet makes us irritated all the time. This article is dedicated to highlighting the frustrations that we face everyday and are helpless bystanders, no matter what the revolutionaries claim is the righteous thing to do in such circumstances. I'll start of with the most common problem plaguing the country.
1. Corruption: A bribe here, a bribe there. All in getting your work done easily, quickly, without hassles. Tata Tea has run the campaign for quite some time.."khilana band, pilana shuru". A touching campaign, yet not very successful. The deplorable state of the country's administration and the law and order situation in different parts of the country leaves a sore heart every passing minute. Be it the lack of getting the paperwork done or seeing your soldiers dying a dog's death at the hands of psychopaths, it hurts like hell. Why can't the people running the country understand that their is something called patriotism beyond their greed for green paper? The one thing our forefathers had in them when they fought the british for the country. Vote bank politics has long denied the country the growth and justice it deserves. The public demands for a clean administration with proper implementation of law have always fallen on deaf ears.
2. Power and Water: Or rather the lack of it. Every day you face the same issue. Water will come at odd hours and not for long time at that. So you have to get up at 3 am to fill that bucket of drinking water which will help you survive the next day. In spite of all this, the govt's apathy towards ensuring that each citizen gets drinking water everyday is simply inexorable. Coupled with the hassles public faces with electricity and the inflated bills just cripples the backbone of the common man. How are you expected to live a normal life when you don't have basic civic amenities at your disposal. It hurts to see the state of people in the rural areas living their lives and then resorting to violence to make their voices heard. Are we not dividing our nation based on petty differences. Education is not a compulsory right as it should be. Lack of knowledge breeds ignorance and a disregard for rules and authority, specially in the urban areas.
Law & Order: Traffic problems, road rage, robbery, rape, molestation, dacoity and what not. These are just some of the news that you read everyday in the papers. You see something on the news - dramatized, sensationalized yet forgotten from living memory in a couple of weeks as the channels look for some other news to exploit. The very fact that the police is not there to protect the people and looks for its own benefits makes you cringe and twist like a snake struggling to free itself off its captor. Daylight robberies and the pathetic condition of the police force coupled with their ignorance and greed only makes your anti system sentiments grow.
People say that if you hate the system so much then why not fight to change it? Yes it is true, but how many of us are capable of such deeds? How can we even enter political scenario without slashing someone's throat or cutting someone's pocket? Am i too coward to stand up? Is my patriotism some hollow joke? I don't know, maybe i need a leader whom i could follow to do all that is required of me for my country but as of now, I stand alone. Maybe the belief that if you do try to change the system, you will be crushed like an ant makes me stop short of taking any drastic step. But yes the resentment is there. I'm not ignorant of the country's problems and i find my solace in these words, which makes my life easier. But is that enough? An easy life for me (as i don't normally have to deal with these problems), while the rest of the country is hurting......

Most Wonderful Experience

2010-04-25T13:58:00.000+05:30

Almost two months since i last wrote on this blog and my world has definitely turned upside down. My sordid love saga with its own twists and turns maybe bigger than a Abbas-Mustan movie has come to curtains finally. My office shifted premises to NOIDA making travelling a bitch and that too all alone. Still no idea where i am headed in my career. So all in a all not a very happy last two months to look at from my side. Can't say the same for the others though as few might just have something exciting and interesting to look forward to especially after European skies have opened up. There is the general dismay among 'friends' as to why the bloody hell am i single (ain't u got no guts?). Then there is my own explanation of it (ain't got no luck). Not something good to write home about here it seems.
Wait a minute, there just might be i guess. Does crashing down on waves in a rubber raft and jumping from 30 ft high cliff into the river below and then standing under a gushing waterfall and feeling the water hitting you with bricks and stones and yet enjoying the experience, count as exciting? It sure as hell does, baby. Well this trip was the brainchild of our very own Bhatia (saab) and slowly all the players fell in through persuasion (if not bribe) save one. Hours of discussion to finalize the details and the itinerary went into the short trip and it would be right to say that every one was excited. So where do i even begin with this journey. The torturous train ride where we were forced to play cards in the dark and yet being yelled at in the middle of the night for having some fun or the fact that the train took almost 5 hours more to reach its destination. It's still fresh in the mind how each moment unfolded and although there were no untoward experiences, the trip was still quite Adve-ntur-ous.
Surely a ride in an ambassador through the fields with 8 people jammed in somehow was an experience of its own but the best part of the trip i believe was the water.

I mean the freshness of water was simply awesome. The cold temperature adding to the flavor. So what began as an adventure was soon turned into an experience of a life time. Whatever i had craved for to do all my life came together in a single trip. Bonfire at night with light music in the background, good food, great company for my part at least and of course the cards. So tired from the long journey, we still managed to play some shots for the benefit of Lalit Modi before heading for a dip in the river near the camp. The night passed by with lots of fun under the light of a lantern and warm cups of tea in our hands.
Saturday morning, 17/04/10 9:50 hrs: This is when we began what we all termed as THE BEST EXPERIENCE of our lives so far. Getting into a rubber raft and terrified of the water, still i desperately wanted to have this experience. Up it went (raft) as our guide yelled,"Forward team forward, fast, fast, ok relax." Up and down the 8 rapids we went from Roller Coaster to the Golf Course. All the time water splashing in our faces as our raft fought the waves and we rowed on as if our lives depended on it. No wonder we felt like the crew of a sunken ship in a small boat, trying to reach the coast, while mother nature is hell bent on destroying all our hopes. Water surfing at the end seemed like a walk in the park after the rapids though it did require some amount of cajoling from my inner self. To cap off the wonderful experience was the cliff jumping where i, afraid of even entering a pool, jumped from a 30 ft high cliff into the river and trying desperately to float with water in my nose and mouth managed to reach the land with pride and happiness scrawled all over my face.
No matter what adjectives i use, they won't be able to justify what i and in fact all of us felt after that 2 hour journey down the river. Surely it was an experience of a life time and no wonder i want to do everything all over again. One thing i did learn in all this is that there is a gambler in all of us and yes everyone is capable of witty or poisonous remarks. Its how we bring these qualities out makes us who we are. Compatibility and adaptability is an over sold concept i believe in all management schools as everyone can do all that to live. Having said that we had a great group to ourselves with current and future managers in the mix. So it was a big surprise to see no ego clashes among the dominating members of the group. Well it doesn't befit me to take pot shots at others while sitting in the confines of my comfy living room but i have learned not to let go of an opportunity as after all, "waat usse lagti hai jo rasta hum chorte hain."
So next stage of the journey began with a trip to Mussorie although this time the ride was much more comfortable in a scorpio. Trip down the mall road was quite an experience too with loads and loads of beautiful things to see. Sadly none of them were single and ready to mingle. So ogling at those beauties was all that we could manage through the night. Of course we did try out a few new styles.

Needless to say Colgate could use new brand ambassadors. Shyness is a word of the old millennium so it would seem. Self Obsessed would be an understatement :)

The night was wasted away at another round of cards and allowed me to silence my critics once and for all regarding the skill. Sunday morning wanted me to stay put in bed but sadly the lure of water fall and the biggest attraction of Mussorie was much too big to miss out on and yeah in order to keep the spirit of the trip, "Itna toh banta hai." (courtesy: Raju Srivastava)

So off we went after a not so healthy breakfast of paranthas with butter and heavy glass of lassi to the Kempty falls. So there we were 7 guys half naked standing in waste high cold water and lots of dirt. Felt like being beaten by brick-bats by the falling water but still it felt great to stand under the numbing water. Kempty falls did make me realise how unfit my body really is and that how much fat i had accumulated on my once slim body :( But not trying to dwell too much on this insignificant part of the trip (weight watching i.e.) we began our long and tiresome trip to Delhi only to be delayed by a massive traffic jam. Tired and weary we reached CP at 2 in the night and i must admit saadi dilli looked awesome in the night lights.

This brought curtains to our almost 4 day long journey along the banks of river Ganges and in the hills of the Queen of Mountains and surely left me longing for more..............

The Most Wonderful Things in Life

2010-02-20T12:07:00.000+05:30

So another Valentine has gone by and i am still all alone after 25 years of existence. Some might say that it's all downhill from here, but i say that it's the heart that should stay young and the body will keep up somehow. So hoping for a better future i'm gonna stop thinking about this and reflect on what really makes us happy in this world today. Of all the melodrama and tension in our lives, we do have our moments of happiness. Point is whether we recognize them and give them their due or do we ignore/neglect them altogether. So in this exercise today, i'm going to chronicle what makes me happy (yes i'm not grumpy all the time) and please feel free to add things that i might have missed.
#1: God: I may not be a religious guy but i do think i'm spiritual. I know my faith is strong and i know that god is there for me and the others. All you have to do is stand up and ask for him. My belief is what probably keeps me sane at times. I don't believe in demarcation along religious lines as i feel that there is only one god and rest all that we humans worship are just incarnations of the supreme lord. So spiritual yes... religious no.
#2: Family: Yes i feel happy being around my mom and dad. Though i don't spend a lot of time with them but still they remind me of what i used to be and how much i have changed over the years while they have labored on year after year with the same set of feelings towards me. That in itself feels so good to have with me but still makes me sad that i have let them down by placing other things as more imp in my life than them.
#3: Football: Maybe i'm still not at that level where each Liverpool victory calls for a treat and each defeat calls for mourning but i still love it when they win and it just makes the day a bit sweeter. Plus giving kaif a piece of my mind on the rivalry just adds that spice to the recipe.
#4: Music: It brings together souls or so i have heard. But i do believe that music is an awesome stress buster. There was a time when the first thing i did after logging on to my system was open a music player. But these days i have lost track of it somehow. I don't have it with me when i travel and at times i don't listen to it on my comp even. Maybe my list has just gone old and there aren't a lot of good and new songs out there. But still i would say that music helps me vent out my frustrations in a big way. So again its something that brings a smile to my lips.
#5: Friends: Last but the most important thing in my life. I have valued friendship far more than any of the 4 above mentioned points. I have sacrificed my rest time, my responsibilities, my job almost everything for friendship. I have suffered the scorn of many for my devotion and been hurt too at times by my friends. Nevertheless, i now who i can count on to be there with me in any form possible when i need them and thankfully god has blessed me with the right kind of people to be there for me. When all my chips are down and i don't have anything going for me, i know there will be a voice of support and encouragement which would try its best to cheer me up without even saying so. That's why i continue to support my other friends in their troubles. I have few who are there for me so i want to be one of the few who is there always.
Yes my list comprises of very obvious points and nothing spectacular but that's what my life is - good but nothing spectacular. So bear with me and don't chastise me for being emotional/critical (at times). Hope you enjoyed this another rendition of self discovery. Till next time....HAVE A NICE DAY
P.S. - Please feel free to add what you think makes you happy in life apart from what's already here.

Love is in the Air

2010-02-11T19:53:00.000+05:30

The warmth and the heavenly feeling called Love. Yes i am back with another article on a topic that many would say i have really killed out here. But i would beg to differ with them. I have only tried to explain what has been going on with my life in all my past articles. But rest assured this article is not on me. This is about love. A song from the movie Saudagar went like, "ILU..ILU..ye ILU ILU kya hai ye ILU ILU." For the uninitiated, that of course means "I Love You." Well the second week of Feb has always been associated with love and all the emotional and senti feelings that go along with it. It is that time of the year that makes the roses and gifts costly and provides a timely boost to the economy in terms of the gifts being purchased.
Many people look forward to this week all through the year. Either to express their love or to let the person know that how much they care or at times just to say that they are there for them. Of course the tip is towards love. Now i'm not going to venture into why people fall in love and why they do all this as this is something no body can control. What i want to talk about is whether it's all worth it. I mean people go through the ritual/arduous task of selecting gifts and then doing something special for their loved ones for what. Does this week really carry that much importance? If yes, then why? Why is this week so special? Does love demand a special day for you to express it? Does love ask a special method for it to be expressed?
I don't think so. Agreed, you may term me a lazy pig not wanting to do anything for a change. But i still stand by my point that you shouldn't need a specific day to express your love. Every day with your loved one should be special for you and if it is not then you are just not that into the relationship. Love is not about big gifts and big expressions (well it is but not entirely). Love primarily is about the small stuff. The warm snug, the holding of hands while crossing the road, the shoulder to rest the head, the caring for a pin prick etc. These are the small things that make a relationship strong and you don't need a special week to do all this stuff. Yes gifts are important but you don't have to wait for a week to give them.
And this is not just about Valentine's day, it goes for all the special days that are celebrated. Be it Mother's day, Father's day, Friendship day etc. I don't need some card company to tell me the day to express my love to my loved ones. For me every minute spent with them is special. I think that's what everyone should realize too. Try and make these moments count and you don't have to wait for a special day to say that you care. In fact if I may say so, the card and gift industry might be missing out on a bigger piece of pie here. After all if you declare every day of the year as special then there might just be an increase in the sales owing to the feeling of love being ubiquitous. Yes it might seem strange but best ideas initially seem strange :). So you ask then how do i express my love everyday...three letters...ILU................

3 Mistakes of My Life!!

2010-01-24T21:41:00.000+05:30

An article that has been long in the making. Tried so hard to write something but couldn't actually find three noticeable decisions that i really regret in my life. So it was a surprise when suddenly, out of the blue they fell into place. 3 Decisions that i regret to have taken in this short span of 25 years, though most of the decisions were taken by my parents till i reached 15th. So here it goes:

Mistake #1: Choosing Non-Medical in XIth

It would be somewhat wrong to say that i am happy having done engineering. I don't say it is my worst decision but in hindsight it is not one of the best either. My sis told me."You should take commerce." But having seen my bro and sis take Science, i felt it wouldn't suit me to go do something else. So there in all my ignorance of what might lie ahead, i took the plunge. I always wanted to be popular and i lost out on that because of being too uninformed. To state that i was consigned to the unnoticeable bench would be an understatement. I lost out on all chances of popularity. So what did that translate into? Limited contact with good looking girls. Limited chances of lot of people knowing you and of course, minimal chances of getting a girlfriend. Engineering led me away from the happening crowd of Delhi. Thus giving way to becoming honorary member of FOSLA - Frustrated One Sided Lover's Association.

Mistake #2: Letting go of the Golden Opportunity

There she was. Standing 10 feet away on the very first day of college on the bus stand. Her arms clung to her chest. Looking radiant in that bright yellow top. Looking a bit lost and a bit scared with all the attention, comments and looks. To know she lived en route my home and traveled in the same bus should have given me enough confidence to go and talk to her. But surrounded by people who scared the living daylights out of me with their comments, i decided to stay mum. I saw her everyday. I felt i should go talk to her as she looked like somebody who needed a friend. Alas, the low self confidence routine overtook me or rather i should say, overpowered me into submission and i let things pass, trying to build up the courage to go and talk to her. Then one day in pouring rain, i saw her and her friend , who by the way was also hot with another friend of mine. Tragically, my friend used to live near my place. So there she was with him and i being the dumb a*****e lost out on, first getting a girl. Second, becoming popular. Third, having a life. What more could i do to myself to make my life suck even more.

Mistake #3: Company

TCS after giving some nervous moments, recruited me on the very first day of placement results. Along came a company at the fag end of the year. Surely, it was an interesting job, good pay, good take home salary. Possibility of meeting girls in corporate culture, it was quite alluring. Yet it took all of 4 months in the job to remove the screensaver and see the ground reality. From July to Dec, i wanted to switch. But i hung on. My mind told me to see things in future and how this spell would translate into the future. So i decided to stay. I told myself that if MBA clicks then fine, if not then i'll move. I have still to move after 4 long years. Part of the crew, part of the ship...Pirates of the Caribbean. Guess i'm just becoming the same here. Scary vision i must say. Coupled with lack of proper vision. Nice recipe for disaster and thats just what i feel my life has become. An utter failure on all fronts. People thought i won't amount to anything and i used to laugh at them. Guess i have proved them right.

So my first decision led me to college where my second decision consigned me to unnoticeable group which wasn't all that pleasant. Lastly, my decision on the company has clearly shown what an utter disaster my life has turned out to be. No girlfriend, no money, no career. Shot myself in the foot not once, not twice but three times in the past decade. How's that for accuracy? Never miss a chance to make my life hell...............

P.S. - All stories are fictional and bear no resemblance to any person or thing living or dead.

Break Up Saurabh!!!!!

2010-01-07T21:59:00.000+05:30

Shankar Mahadevan sang - Wake Up Sid. I would like to hum a different tune though, its Break Up Saurabh. Well I know it doesn't rhyme but who cares. After a long long time I'm happy and I mean I'm truly happy. I feel light as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I have said this before and yet with in couple of weeks i am back to my usual sulking self and i know that many of you reading this article would not believe me when i say that this time there won't be a relapse. But I would like to assure all my well wishers that this time it's for real. I'm ecstatic right now. I feel the same way as i felt after giving IIFT interview. Totally free with not an iota of care in the world. I feel like i have taken a rebirth. There is a lot of positive energy flowing through me right now. And it's all got to do with one person. I won't name her but you guys know who I'm talking about. She finally said no, never ever.

Now you must be thinking that poor chap is going crazy because of grief. In fact many would go crazy. But i am happy because i had allowed myself to be something i wasn't. I was becoming just too much of a grump. Snapping at people for no particular reason. Always feeling down and dejected. Criticizing myself and blaming her for my being in this state and what not. I had become so awful that i had started to hate myself for being such a sadist. Worse part is i was driving her away from my life because of my complaints and negative attitude. This was definitely something i didn't want. We are good friends and i will try my best to be that. But I'm not forecasting anything yet. Although it would be fair to add that my decision also stemmed from the fact that she was developing feelings for someone else. So a combination of a lot of factors has resulted that i am a free bird now or as SAK said in LAK - "Khula Saand".

It would be wrong to say that i didn't see this coming. I had been told to do this by a couple of friends this past week or so but i was apprehensive. I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to admit that i lost. My male ego was dominating me to not accept defeat in any form. There were other signs too. My daily horoscope would once in a week tell me to let go of that relationship. But i never cared. I always fought to try and make this work. I believed that by doing all this i might move her around to saying yes. But there was definitely a part of my that said that if through all these efforts, she did say yes then won't she be making a compromise and settling for something she might not actually want? Where will that leave me then? In a relationship where she is not happy to be with me and i am still unhappy being with her. I didn't want that in my life. Who would? So i knew something or the other must give way. Either she would accept me whole heartedly or reject me sumptuously. And that's what she did.

So here i am standing on the road to nowhere right now. I know it would be tough and that this euphoria might not last long but i also know that with a couple of friends who really care with me by my side i would survive this phase. Hell i have been through worse things before and yet i am still standing, ain't i? I know if she reads this then i might lose what ever relationship i still have. But this is specially for you dear that try and be happy for me knowing that i am moving on from you as you have always wanted and that i am not letting our friendship go. It will remain as strong as ever. You definitely have to believe me on this as there is no other way i can assure you of this. That being said don't think for a moment that i am harboring any ill feelings as i simply can't. So this is me signing off on the first article of 2010 saying goodnight and goodbye to all the readers. Saurabh has left the building...........

Dosti

2009-12-16T21:32:00.000+05:30

"Yaron yahi dosti hai...kismat mein jo mili hai"....so sang Junoon. One of my favorite songs with good music and good, meaningful lyrics. And truly friendship is that elixir which keeps the spirit alive. Yes family is there for you every time, even when friends are not there, but you can talk about only so much things with them. I won't discuss the importance of family here as i know that it sure as hell can't be discussed. It can only be felt. But friendship is different. You spend the majority of the waking day with your friends. Lets face it, its the friends that have to deal with our every mood swing of the day and yet try and cope with it somehow and on top of it make us feel comfortable and loved. In short, Friendship is the heart and soul of every human being. So what is it that makes people say 'Friends for Life' or 'Best Friends Forever'?

For that to happen the person must have developed a special place in your life. That's the first and foremost requirement. You must have enough faith in the person to tell him/her all your fears and share all your happiness. You can be rest assured of their being there for you when you need them and vice-versa. They are happy to see you happy and they are sad to see you sad. That's what best friends are made of. They have an uncountable and never ending reserve of support. That some people can actually understand everything that their friends want to say without actually saying it is simply special. That to me is certainly a form of divinity. I have seen many close friendships in my life and for a long time i longed for them to be in my life too and god blessed me with that not once, not twice but thrice. I say that because each time i got separated from my best friend for reasons i had no control over, but did get back together again later on somehow.

I might be wrong here but i feel that close friendship shouldn't have any boundaries. You must be able to say what you want to at any point in time and place and expect the same thing to happen to you too. Friendship is a treasure that increases if you distribute it. You can not hoard it or lock it for yourself. It's always out in the open and for every one to see. If you become too controlling or start dictating too much much, you will stifle it. It needs sunlight and fresh air to survive, much like the sunflower. Of course there are sacrifices to be made and yes you may not feel good about it but that's what friends do. That's why they have the special place in your life.

There is one bond though that is stronger than friendship. It is called LOVE. When you love someone, you'll do anything. You will leave your best friends aside to think about that special someone and do stuff for him/her that you would never have thought yourself capable of doing. You are really lucky if the love of your life is your best friend too. I believe that there can't be anything like having your special someone as your best friend. A person who completely understands you and is there for you and who you know will care for you in more ways than one. You obviously would want to hang on to something so special, wouldn't you?

But lately i have been around a case where, although i have only a faint idea and probably a few wild guesses at best, i can't help feel that love is sometimes so overpowering that you lose the sense of right or wrong. I agree i'm working with peanuts here, but i can't help myself wondering if everything that's going on is correct? I know the person i'm talking about knows what i'm saying and why i'm saying it. I also know that i don't have the leverage to talk about sense in this situation as i don't know a lot, but it sure has helped me fully appreciate the meaning of words Love Is Blind and that love at times can be painful and cruel. It was this madness that love brings that i was talking about when i said that you'll do anything in the name of love.

I'm a bit tired, a bit wired and definitely impatient right now but there is nothing in my hands and all i can do is pray that everything works out for the best. I don't know though what that just might be. All i can say is that "Yaron, Dosti....badi hi haseen hai" so try and keep this alive........

What Do You Want From Me

2009-12-10T19:41:00.000+05:30

Ahaa...another month passes by as we draw closer yet again to the end of a great year. Not for me but for a lot many others. US of A had its first black President, Congress won the elections in India, India lost to Pakistan in an ICC event, IIM barrier was breached, broken hand got mended, new and tantalizing friendships were formed (again not by me) and CAT went online. A lot of other things happened too which i don't have the time to talk about. Don't get me wrong this article is not about what all happened during the year and why it happened. I'm not going to chronicle all that. I'll leave that to the media people. Again I'm not here to define the sporting moment of the year or the political/economic moment of the year. This time in many months i know what i am going to write about. Now how is that for a start.

Again I would like to reassure you that this article is not about some melancholic cry for attention or to question the design of nature and the repercussions thereof. I guess we've had enough of that. But there is one thing i have not written about in a long time. Love, that sweet, innocent and spell bounding feeling. The current generation is intoxicated with this wonderful idea which according to Agent Smith is quite insipid. You see couples here, you see couples there. In the parks, on the phone, on instant messaging, they are everywhere. Typing messages in a frenzy, exchanging love notes and giggling that sweet laugh on that small, nonsensical joke they would have hated at other times. All in the name of love. To many it's the elixir of life. They can fight, argue with everyone around them, be it family, friends, colleagues but not with that special someone. At times i feel that the old adage 'Love is Blind' should be altered to 'Love is Retarded'.

Coming back to the topic, i would like to talk about love from a guy's perspective first and if possible from a girl's perspective (of what my crazy mind can throw up) later. A guy looking for some love, roaming around with his group of friends in the hot and spicy market place in Delhi like GK or Khan Market normally goes through the following process - Hey, that chick. Wow, she is awesome. Man i would want someone like her with me. Takes a look at who he is with, dips his head in disgust and moves on. Suddenly he notices somebody with the girl. He says - What the fuck, she is with that as****e. Man she can do so much better. Are eligible bachelors like me dead?? Feeling sorry for himself he finally trudges off the scene. That's what a typical guy does. That's how his love story progresses till he finally through chance, not providence meets somebody who seems interested in him.

It's a dream come true. The best thing that could ever happen in his sorry little existence. I am not so bad after all, he thinks smiling from ear to ear. Then it starts. The late night calls, the giggling, making lovey dovey statements, slight fighting, then degrading himself to say he is sorry although it wasn't his fault to begin with. Wishing for that one compliment of the week even though he might have showered 100's in a single day. Hiding the facts and figures from close friends - I'll tell them once something concrete happens. Trying his hardest to please the sacred one and trying his best not to get her mad with such devotion that would shame IIT/IIM aspirants. The one missed call and you leave everything you are doing to call back. The one message and India-Pakistan match goes for a toss. Soon all the happiness in life becomes tied to the whims of the oh so perfect soul. Allowing the buttons to be pushed at will and random, the same buttons they had defended so valiantly against everyone thus far.

But can there be trouble in paradise? Yes it can and it is a three letter word - JAF, short for Just A Friend. I never thought of you like that. You are my good friend, please don't put me through this. Or in the worst case, I already have a boy friend. I wanted to tell you but was not sure where we were in our friendship. Now that sucks and the all the magical world comes crashing down. Nickelback sang, Burn It To The Ground, and they sang well. Just a little too well for some. But that doesn't mean it's the end. No ways, after all he has waited for so long for this. He will fight and try and make the girl realize that love lies here and not elsewhere. But we all know how that story is going to end, don't we? It is this proverbial hope that keeps the lover boy going, doing things he never dreamed he would do. And thus the story goes on and on and on. Energizer could have a new theme for a campaign.

So that is how a guy typically falls in love and reacts. I know all of you reading this might have felt so for someone or the other if not yourself. After all it's a rarity that the girl actually falls for the guy when he proposes, except if she is in school. But then why do girls end up with the worst guy possible? Hard to say. As a friend of mine put it so beautifully once, 'Commonsense is not so common these days'. Then what is it that girls want? I wish i had the answer, i might be able to solve my problem. I do know a bit though about what girls don't want. They don't want to be questioned. They don't want to be center of a joke (they have every right to make a clown of you in public though). They don't want to be runners up in your life (even though you are JAF and you are never closer to the top of the ladder in their life). They can't be put on hold while you, well you know. But there are some things that the girls should be given credit for. And these are big things for which the guys actually fall in love in the first place. Girls can make your life special. Girls can make your day with sweet nothings. Girls can be very devotional and caring which simply blows your mind away.

Complicated matter is Love. Not easily defined. Not easily explained. Not easily felt. Very intoxicating. Very addictive and yes very very very much RETARDED................

Blank

2009-11-13T19:46:00.000+05:30

I don't know what i want to write about. I don't have anything specific in mind. I don't know whether this will be a short article or will I find the matter to make this a long article. 'It's been days, 35 to be precise since i last wrote something. So the need/craving to write has built up a bit but i have been putting that craving down simply because i haven't had the time to write something that i do want to write about. There have been instances which can deem a mention. There have been thoughts that have come to my mind as to what my next article must be all about. But right now i can't seem to allot them any importance. They have become insignificant events that took place sometime ago. All this doesn't mean that i'm going through one of my writer's blocks as i do have some issues that i could write on. But i am choosing not to as i know i won't like it when it's done and sure as heck will make someone quite mad,angry and in the end sad.

So what am i writing about. Should i detail out an event with the flowery vocabulary and build it up as if its a magnum opus rather than a simple (though painful operation)? Or should i detail out what's going on in the trading world with vivid examples and quotes to make the articles impressive to anyone who has an interest in stocks would like and others would only admire the effort and presentation? I can even act as a tour guide and list a lot of touring destinations with photographs pasted and detailed description given of what all can be seen and done in that location. But as by the looks of my write-up you must have guessed by now that i'm not going to do any of that stuff. I could talk a bit about politics and how what is wrong is being glossed over and how the Indian media is not doing it's job and etc. etc. But isn't that being rhetorical? I mean how many times can anyone read that same stuff? It's there everyday in the news and newspapers. I won't be adding a new dimension to the existing flaws and the discussion thereof.

Then again there is the allure of writing about love, life and relationships which my poor hassled readers have gone through time and again. But I am not in the mood right now for that kind of stuff. It's pretty much the story of how my life has shaped up and how and where i am right now. I have no idea what i want in life but i do know a few things i don't want to be and some things i don't want to do. I guess that thinking has finally found base with my writer mind too. I have no idea what i should/want to write about but yes i do have an idea of what i don't want to write about. As you might have guessed i am back to square one now. Not knowing what to write and still filling out words and pages for god knows who. One thing i would like to mention here is that even though i am at 60th article (nearing the years of India's Independence :) ) i don't have any readership. I believe my blog is probably one of the least followed blogs on the internet. It does feel sad to know this but it kind of gives a sick feeling of happiness too that i am creating a record anyhow with this.

People back in US have asked me how it feels like to be back home and what is the first thing that you did and other stuff. To all i have replied the same stuff, that i love the food and i love the feel of my hands on the steering wheel of my car. I missed driving while i was in US and i surely missed my mom's food. This sounded really peculiar to a lot of people in US. A grown man living with parents and i had to explain how that is what Indian culture is mostly about. You are not considered a good kid if you move out and leave your parents behind. I know i am not talking about the whole country but probably a respectable proportion. It feels good to get behind the wheel of the car and drive as fast and as madly as possible. It feels good to be among friends again and it feels good to spend more time on my friend's seat in office than on mine. Of course this comes at a price of having to listen to some or the other nonsense from someone or the other but it's worth it i would say.

Many would say that i haven't enjoyed my stay in US and that i should have done this or that i should have gone here etc. etc. But i know that whatever i have done nobody else would have done and frankly i did what i liked doing. So yes i did feel that it would have been better to have had some company but still overall an adventurous trip. I'm not sure my valiantly trying mind has any more exciting stuff to dish out and i am getting a bit tired too (i know my fitness and concentration levels are the worst in the world). So i'm going to kill this article here, not intending to finish it and hoping that whoever reads it doesn't pluck out his/her hair. Sionara goodbye shabba khair

Fucked Up

2009-10-09T09:11:00.000+05:30

Whenever I'm alone i tend to think of what all has happened in my life so far. The good stuff, the not so good and the outright bad stuff. Usually this time of introspection takes me to the bad things that i have seen and how and why they happened. Needless to say I'm not a happy camper after such time. Somehow, somwhere i manage to convince myself of it all being my fault in some inscrutable way. I have always believed that thinking is one of the most important of human activities. That's what makes us unique. But to what things you devote your thinking time ensures what kind of mind set you live with. Constantly fretting over petty stuff and ostracising myself over insignificant things is what i'm best at. I don't think i would be wrong in saying that i am my worst critic.
Although i tend to believe that i am just being humble at these times but reality is that i know they are my shortcomings. There are many reasons why i could consider my life a failure.
Some of them would be social suicide to write here. On the other hand there are reasons where i can think of my life being a success. But me being me can easily assign biased weightage to the negative points to make the situation appear more grim than it actually is. It's not that i want to paint a grumpy oulook to my life. Hell who would want that. Even being a pessimist i'm not sadist. I don't take pleasure in sadness and pain. Infact i'm hurt by other living being's pain as much as i am by my own. Still i time and again recount stuff only to portray myself in the dark and a blot on the existence.
I know this again doesn't make for a happy reading and i don't wish to annoy anyone here by whatever i'm writing. I know that when i am in such a mood i can hardly resist myself from typing what is coming to my mind. I type as the conversation builds up in my mind. That is the reason why at times my writing loses base and becomes incoherent. So i want to apologise in advance to anyone who has wasted his/her time in reading this monologue and gotten disappointed, angry or annoyed at my personal bashing, yet again. But the fact is that i can't help myself. I feel this is onething that right now i have to get out of my system if i want to do something. So if you are bored already you can skip the rest of the article as it won't change its path.
Lately it' has been a constant effort by me to find a meaning or purpose for every action or event happening in my life. There is an inclination to find the why that might be associated with the stuff. For eg. if i'm taking a photograph, the feeling now is to develop a wholistic view of the view I'm trying to capture rather than earlier when all i used to do was snap up the pictures blindly without any focus on getting the frame or the angle right. Thus, photography has developed a meaning to it. So have some other activities in life too. I know i like all this stuff and probably this is what is keeping me happy and sane at times. Left to my own devices i know i would have declared myself medically unfit to remain in this world. But my respect and love for life is much too big to do anything insane. Whatever might be the condition of my mind, i would still love what i have. It's the extra that we all need that makes me sad.
One disturbing thing i have found about myself over the past 4-5 months has been my inability to cast any influence on people around me in my life. Apart from family of course who all might be tied by the ties of blood and who might not have ever thought of anything in this direction. But i can be very much certain of the rest of the people i know. Don't know if its the ideas that i put forward, the way i talk, the way i present myself or what not but i am not taken seriously by anyone around me. I love giving advice and in general try to help out anyone and everyone who might need a bit of help (big or small, doesn't matter). So there i am thinking that i might be helping the other guy out but infact i might just not be needed in the first place.
I don't know what i expect from others and how do i want them to react to me being there in their life. My mind is not so developed to fully comprehend this. So i spend days thinking of something or the other to try and understand this quandry. Life can take a turn for the better or worse in a matter of seconds. It's another matter that my happiness and sorrow is only partially tied to my activities. Why i am not free of all the tensions in my life i don't know. I accept i can never be truly free but yes the magnitude of the tension should atleast come down. I havetime and again asked for a ray of light in my life. To show me the way to move forward in a direction both helpful and conducive to my life. But i have yet to find this light.
Why i exist is also not very clear to me. Why am i here? It can't be to sit here, sulk, work, sulk, relax, enjoy and then repeat the cycle. There must be a purpose, a reason. I want that point of higher calling where i can truly understand myself and the reason of my existence, which if you look at right now is useless. Not many would miss me (outside my family) if i'm no longer there. I know that is the saddest thing i could have written but seeing the mood i am in right now, i would say it is an undersatement. I don't think i can add anything new to this article apart from what i have written till now. Besides my mind is more fucked up than when i started to write an hour or so ago. So i guess i'll try and get some sleep and rest my mind a bit so that i can remove all this negativities from my mind.
My apologies to people who have received this without wishing to. I'll probably erase my mailing list for my next article. Till then take care and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!

Brookfield, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA

2009-10-05T09:14:00.000+05:30

Ever since I joined Pentair Water after college, I have been working for one business unit only, Fleck controls dealing in water softeners and located at Brookfield. Pentair at that time had a policy of continuously sending out people from India to the States so that they could get better training and feel of the products they are making. So it was a surprise that I hadn't managed to go for so long. But finally both my and my company's timing matched and here I was flying solo to US (which can be a pain in a**) to an unknown land amongst unknown people. For the uninitiated, there are few things about me that are not so popular. I hate doing almost anything alone. I can't eat, roam around, shop or even go to the movies alone. So for me to travel to an unknown country for 6 weeks was certainly a big challenge. Second, unlike many people I know (believe me the count is big), I don't have a fixation with US and coming and working here. Europe yes maybe not US per se.

My only reason for wanting this is to add something to my CV because Indian firms and colleges give weightage to any kind of foreign exposure. Don't know where this notion got set in but yeah it exists now. Having said all that, I have been here for the last 18 days or so. Now I don't think I'll start recounting how my days are being spent here and what all I am doing as first I don't think I want to do that and second, i don't think anyone wants to read that either. For those of you who want to know, i know a phrase which will help you a lot, "Pictures say a thousand words." So just grab them either on picasa or orkut. Anyways, this brings me to the point as to then why am i writing this article in the first place. People generally write something when they want to recount something. Talk about some stuff or explain some event etc. I am not doing either. So why am i writing this?

For starters, i feel i have this obligation both to this blog and in part to myself to write after a protracted interval. This blog certainly has helped me a lot over the last 2 years now. Been with me and provided me with an avenue to vent out my frustration and pain. So now when I'm seemingly normal, leaving behind such a friend (metaphorically) doesn't feel nice. Also, the fact that i am not doing justice to myself by ignoring writing gets to me a bit too. I have been writing all kinds of stuff from the time i was in 8th or 9th. Although it is a common hobby among people but for me writing has always been personal and i have always remained attached to whatever i write. It still feels good to rake up the old pages and read what i had written earlier. So one of the major reasons I'm writing this article is because i just want to write something. Although i am giving care to not take this article to incoherent levels and talk something meaningful.
A few things I have done while i have been here have been fantastic though and i believe i can talk about them a little. After all it's not everyday that you get to do fishing and catch a fish and do some woodwork and create something beautiful out of the wood or have a swing at the golf club. All these were made possible by my boss here and i think i can never thank him enough for the wonderful time i had at his house in the country. Now for me these are really exotic arts - fishing,carpentry,golfing those are leisure activities and being in India, you need both time and money to be able to be a part of something like this. I know these may not sound interesting to many, in fact all the persons i have told this to have not been too enthused. Different people, different likings, different priorities.
For me, i generally don't prefer the traditional activities people like to do when they visit a place, that is in terms of sight seeing. After all what can you see actually in a concrete jungle that you can't get to see in Delhi? I know architecturally i might find some better stuff, but still its a concrete jungle, right?That being said, I'm not saying that i don't like to see such stuff but just that I'm not as excited as others might be. Being a nature lover, i love being out there with mother nature, exploring stuff and clicking photographs. Give me nature over concrete jungle any day. I won't say I'm not happy being here or excited for that matter as that would be lying as though i don't like to say this but yeah i like the place. Clean and beautiful with such wide roads. Why US, the fourth/fifth largest country area wise has only .5% of world's population i will never quite understand yet it produces 20% of world's pollution. Amazing isn't it. Coming back to topic, right now i would say that I'm doing ok. i mean I'm not in a bad position. I do miss people back home but i have not yet gotten bored with the city yet. Knowing me that is a surprise. Well let's see how i end up as when October ends and then i would be better able to evaluate my stay :)

From Heaven to Hell

2009-09-11T17:11:00.000+05:30

It has been some time since i last wrote something on this page. Frankly, i have not missed writing as i thought i would if i didn't get to write. Problem is i was falling into an inertia. I really had nothing to write or talk about. After all no one would care for another self deprecating article from my side nor would anyone like another article on world stories and personal tragedies. In sum, i was basically being redundant with some excitement missing in my life. I had a few moments of fun spread sporadically over the period, including the Pentair Football League where i was on the losing side in the finals that too in a shoot out. The pain of that defeat took almost a week to get over. After all i live and breathe football. The most exciting and wonderful game in the whole world. So losing out on penalties in the final after having dominated the league and been the best team was very hard to digest. No onder i didnt move the whole weekend. It was hurting like hell was another issue.

The second moment was the farewell that we gave to Kutty, the player. None of us can forget those inncent words, when having spent time miserably at the pool parlour and getting in the car to go home, Kutty perks up and asks innocently, "Ab hum kahan ja rahe hain?" Those words have remained and will remain along with the timeless, "Bhaiya pit rahe hain" and ofcourse, "Bhaiya ne khoon kar diya." So kutty has moved on leaving behind memories and a great farewell night. Probably the best I hav ever had while in Pentair. The sad thing is, when i leave i don't suppose there will be any one left to give me a farewell, like we have done for so many others.

So barring the occassional excitement that was generated by the not so hot Alka Yagnik look alike working as a trainee in our office, my life had few other points of entertainment during these past two months. So basically there wasn't an incentive for me to write. But somehow circumstances change and time presents you with opportunities that you either love or hate. To be fair life shows you both sides of the coin to give you a reality check as to who the boss really is. Saturday, 5th September 2009, is officially the best day of my life, no questions asked. It is the happiest day in my life so far and i guess will ci ntinue to be for a long time to come. I was happy, elated and prancing around with joy until the clock struck 11 PM on monday. That was you can say the worst day of my life. So i moved from being the happiest ever to being the saddest ever with in 2 days.

This sudden transition was so quick and so unsettling that it took me a full day just to get back to normal. And all through the day, i was cursing, crying, more cursing and sarcastic to the extent that i had nothing left in me at the end of the day. It was a roller coster ride which finally gave way to relief yesterday and since then i have been normal. I won't say i'm elated as that could again land me in trouble. Point is that its not the first time i have gone through this viciuos cycle. Many times in the past, i have crash landed from the skies after being a little too happy. Guess the lord doesn't like me being out of control when i'm happy or he knows that i might do things i would not want to while being happy and so to keep me in check throws these balls of fire to burn a hole in the unbrittled excitement.

So finally, problem is solved and i can do both the things i wanted to which basically means i'm flying out to US in the next week on an official trip. Although i'm going alone yet i'm very excited as not only it offers a world of opportunities but also it would be fun to get out of the mundane routine that has set in my life. So in essence, eagerly looking forward to the 16th when i'll be flying out leaving behind people i'm surely going to miss. So a new chapter gets added to my life which i have to wait and see how it will pan out. After a few weeks of tension and concentration a nice little break will surely help. In the meantime i might just try and figure out the one mystery of my life that i have never been able to answer, "Why the hell am i single?"

Not an Ordinary week

2009-07-21T21:49:00.000+05:30

Another week has gone by. Another somewhat exciting somewhat sad week. Coming into july i knew i'll surely be in for a treat as Hollywood lined up some of its major summer blockbusters within week of each other. From Angels & Demons to Wolverine to T4 to Ice Age3 to Transformers2 and last but not he least by a long shot - Harry Potter and the half blood prince. Phew!!! 6 films in 6 weeks and i have been able to watch only 3 as yet. It sarted last weekend. Had planned to see transformers2 on the second day of its release at one of the coveted halls (i've heard its good but never watched any movie there), Wave cinemas. Banking on a little bit of imagination one can assume to get current tickets considering the hall was empty only a day ago. So there I was standing in line in the heat (Delhi has been way too hot this summer), waiting for my turn and voila i reach the counter only to learn to my shock - HOUSE FULL. I couldn't actually believe my eyes. A hall which was empty a day ago was suddenly filled. Never had i imagined this to happen. Maybe I took it a bit easy and maybe my instincts were all wrong. Well whatever be the case, i was standing in the heat with no fucking tickets.

My friend arrived on the scene and i sure enough heard an ear full of being too complacent. But I being me, couldn't give up so easily now, could I? So the search began for a newspaper to get the name of other halls. Soon we were able to get seats in Satyam, Janakpuri. Too my great regret i had to break my promise to myself to avoid Satyam in future at all costs. But these were desparate times and hence called for desparate measures. So off we went in a hurry to secure the tickets lest we loose them again. Thankfully we were in luck this time. I had missed out on watching the first movie on hall, so naturally couldn't afford to make the same mistake again. Sure enough it was a huge treat. Agreed the movie didnt give scope for acting and was out and out an action film, but what great action it was. The Dog falling from sky into the ocean and racing on water and land and jumping over fences and then disintegrating to enter the chamber, it was simply amazing. The sequel really took the movie to another level. No wonder it had the second highest opening in US Box Office history. A wonderful movie no doubt. And sunday brought Angels & Demons, though on my lappi. And although i had read the book earlier still i wasn't able to understand parts of it.

So a somewhat mixed weekeend brought a tumultous week emotionally and i was left wondering what happened all of a sudden. But to take my mind off it and to give my Best Friend of all times a good farewell (joining IIT - KGP) I decided to spend the friday evening watching the latest flick on display - Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Again i have never watched any Harry Potter movie on hall and i wasn't very impressed with 3 out of 5 movies that have been released so i was a bit skeptical about it. My interest in Harry Potter series grew only after I saw the tremendous action scenes of Harry Potter IV. But no. V was a big disppointment and no. VI was a bit of disappointment. Sure enough story wise it was a big revelation. Lot of things were revealed, but sadly no action sequences. No fights between the two sworn enemies. How can that be? That really upset the mood a bit, but gave a new determination to finish the VIIth book. The story had engrossed me so much. Thus the second weekend was spent reading book no VII.

I have to admit, book was good. I say this because i have never been a fan of Harry Potter series as such. For me the best book has always been LOTR and its movie adaptations were really mind blowing. All those wonderful fight sequences with comedy and tragedy mixed were a treat to watch with wonderful directorial skills. And probably this is where Harry Potter movie series lacks, direction. Peter Jackson is a wonderful director but i don't think same can be said for Harry Potter's director (I don't even know his name). But the book is good i must concede that, though LOTR wins the race by a long shot. I hadn't though expected Harry Potter to be such. But after having spent some 13-14 hours a new sinking feeling developed. The feeling that it is over.

There won't be any more Harry Potter series. The same feeling i had when I watched Matrix Revolutions, LOTR - Return of King, Bourne Ultimatum and of course, Pirates of the Carribean - At World's End. There won't be another version of these series and this created an emptiness, what's next? Guess i'll have to live with it. Look for some other series probably. But whenever these series end they do leave you a bit sad as you won't see the same characters again. So herre i am at the end of Harry Potter series too and i'm feeling a bit sad. But i do remmember though that i still have 3 movies left in the pipeline and they wil take some time to finish and thus i do have something to look forward to which is a good thing, right?

What to do?

2009-07-21T19:43:00.000+05:30

Only a week or so ago i was wondering, thinking to myself, hey I haven't written a sad article for quite some time. I was missing the darkness, the sombreness that is normally associated with my sad articles. The usual monologue cribbing and whining about what all is wrong with this pathetic little non existence called my life. The heavy overdose of self criticism and the outpouring of unusual grief as to why nothing is what i want it to be in my life. The kind of article that makes the intestines of all those who read it, twist and writhe in pain and agony over the mundane and sadistic article. Yes i have been criticised time and again for all the sad articles i have written and even yelled at by few, but i know deep inside this black heart of mine that whatever comes out is how i feel at that moment. At that particular point in time and space I'mfeeling cringy and aggravated enough to spew out the venom from inside my body and soul in the form of an article.

I have also time and again doubted my skills as a writer and time and again been told to not think about it, but me being me can't do that. So again and again i spend my time analyzing and criticizing myself over what i have written using none of the flashy vocabulary and wonderful imagination that i have seen others display so effortlessly. I know i can't write that way as one i don't have a good vocab and second my mind which in itself is a topsy turvy landscape doesn't let a thought process run its full course. So at times what i usually end up with, is only a shadow of what i wanted to write with the most ineffective use of the millions of words present in the English dialect.

Which brings me to the point as to why i am writing this article in the first place. Today i am having that sinking feeling again. I am feeling nauseated and crushed as if wind has been knocked right out of lungs. I have that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach which no antibiotic (probably not the right word but what the heck) can cure. I know people know me inside out and they'll understand what i want to say and to whom it is directed. I don't mean to cast any aspersions and i don't blame anyone for how I'm feeling right now as it has to do with me. As far as i see i am one of the chief reasons for all this bickering that currently goes on in my life. Never trying to look at positive things and instead always complaining and demanding, i take myself through all this again and again.

But every cloud has a silver lining, so they say and i think i have one too. I have the inordinate capacity to assimilate all inside me. I have the ability to take it all, dish out some and soon forget all about it. Take now for instance. I was sad and cribby some time ago and that got me writing this article, but now I'm not cribby. Yes a tinge of sadness does remain, but that too will soon wash away. I can take it in my stride and move forward. But the problem is, to where? I might be easy to forgive and difficult to forget but where does that leave me. It leaves me standing at the intersection again, walking the same path i had treaded some time ago and on which i had cursed myself to never walk again. But alas, me being me won't have any of it. All my giant ego which has burned quite a few relations and hurt a few others always abandons me at the right moment.

After all what has this ego ever brought me? Nothing important as far as i remember. In fact it has been the reason for many of my pain filled days. Yet i have clung on to it in the name of self esteem, clamoring after its non-existent virtues. What good is my ego then? One answer that does come to my mind is that it prevents me from any major pain that i might have to go through later on in life. That seems logical doesn't it? To prevent myself from a great amount of pain i willingly take on small amount of pain and miss out on small amount of happiness as well. Logic doesn't run in the family though I'm running after that too. All in all this was a good experience i would say, for me at least in as much that i got hold of myself a bit and am not in a foul mood anymore. So should i be feeling happy now? Guess I'll have to wait for something else to happen in order to answer that......

RIP - Michael Jackson

2009-06-30T22:33:00.000+05:30

Of what's been a tumultous week for me, I have seen my idol at one point of time in life die a death i wouldn't wish for my enemies. Alone and emaciated to the bone with CPR breaking the ribs. I have grown up listening to Michael Jackson, Backstreet Boys, Ace of Base, Metallica etc. and it sure hurts to hear something bad about these people. I know how sad i was when i heard that Creed as a band were breaking up, i loved their music. Then to hear the shocking news of MJ's death has not been easy. He lived a life full of controversies and negative stories but there is one thing his detractors can't take away from him is his music. The hope that music brought to the millions, the rythm of the beats, the shrieks, the dance moves, the attire everything was electric. Truly a legend lived amongst us and all we did was wilify him for all the good things he had given us. Music knows no boundaries, so they say but i guess that only came about after MJ hit the scene. The first black man so successful on the world stage and like every other superstar, Morrisson, Elvis, Cobain...he too died a lonely death again to drugs.

Many won't buy my eulogy to the King as to them the unproved paedophile tag is too much to digest. But i don't care...i loved him for his music and what he has given us. one could see so many people try the moon walk that one might forget who started it all. But there was one and only one who perfected it with ease. Those steps made people go wild and crazy and i as a child watching intently on TV seeing that move was left amazed. Till this day i try to copy it, to see if i can make something out of it but i can't. But the music was what made MJ special. The passion that he brought to the music can't be seen everywhere. The feelings with which he sang and the emotions. Everything was memorable. Agreed i never did understand the lyrics and i had to search for them to try and understand but still the characteristic shrieks were what i tried to copy whenever a Jackson song came on TV.

If you have seen any MJ video you must have seen a very common attire. An undershirt and a shirt open or tied at the waist. Coupled with it the three fourths or the super short trousers. a person not knowing MJ would think it is a comedy show but that's just what MJ brought to the stage - a difference. Who says you have to be bare chested or all dressed up or even in casuals. Mj had his own style just like his voice, his personality. He was a wonderful dancer no doubt about it and like his predecessor (Elvis - The King of Rock n Roll) he too had his own collection of sequined suits that adorned the stage in all his world performances. Guess that's what you have to wear if you are called The King. It can be said without a shadow of a doubt that it was MJ who put the P into pop music. The King of Pop stole millions of hearts and left another million broken on his sudden demise. Coming on the back of the news of his world tour, it really is heartbreaking.

The improper use of drugs prescribed by doctors no better than quacks have claimed a person, so loved all across the globe. If nothing else, MJ gave a ray of hope to the millions of black people in America that with some hard work they too can succeed and the results are there to see. The whole of NBA roaster - all the teams have hardly any white players. Almost all are black. It hurts to think about his death. It hurts to know he won't be around anymore. But there is a pleasant note attached here that maybe his troubles on earth are finally over and he can actually rest in peace in the heavens above in the Hall of Music. Goodbye MJ....we will surely Remmember The Time when we try to Heal The World but i do want to ask you, Will You Be There??????

Whoa!!!!!

2009-06-08T21:56:00.000+05:30

Ever since i gave my IIFT interview this year in Feb, I have been on a roller coaster ride. I have started living the life that i had always craved yet never gotten around to living it. I have managed to make a few trips to destinations i never thought i could, would go. I have managed to go out with friends, some of whom i have known for long but happened to meet only now. I have even managed to do some creative stuff. In all i am beginning to feel like a man who is enjoying his life (away from office i.e.). I have been to new places to hangout in saadi Dilli where i had never gone before. I have tasted new cuisines and drunk new stuff. All in all i have done quite a bit over the last couple of months. Still i would say that something is missing. I'm still not fully satisfied.

To change this whole scenario and add that extra bit of spice to the recipe, i did what i had been planning to do for so long. I made up a plan to go watch a PLAY. Yes, to stoke my cultural buds and develop a new hobby. It was no ordinary play, but an attempt to present all of Shakespeare's works - plays, sonnets etc. in a single show. For the record, Shakespeare had written 37 plays. Clubbing 37 plays into 1 show should have been real serious stuff. But kudos to the cast and the director and the script writer, they pulled it off magnificently. It was so hilarious that me and my friend were literally jumping out of our seats. Holding our stomachs with the laughter. They, both praised and ridiculed Shakespeare with equal elan. A wonderful presentation of the characters, with great emphasis on keeping everything within the modern context and timeframe. Keeping in tune with the script, the cast made good use of the audience as well to add to the hilarity.

One would think that Comic plays from Shakespeare can be accepted but how could the cast put humour in tragedies like Hamlet, Othello, Romeo and Juliet etc. Well taking a line from the dialogues delivered, "Why did Shakepeare write 16 comedies (out of 37)? They are all the same. We should do only tragedies, they are so much fun." And fun they were. A total satirical version of the plays where they ridiculed every character and yet weren't dispectful to THE BARD, it was really an enterprising display. The love of Romeo and the shrieks of Juliet on seeing her beloved dead were so comic that one could hardly keep himself from laughing out loud. The characters of Othello, constantly changing from a man to a woman and back to a man to meet the crew shortage (or to make it more hilarious), were also magnicifent.

To top it all off and present the cherry on a wonderful, delicious cake was the presentation of Hamlet. Ophelia going mad and rowning after being rejected by Hamlet, the queen drinking the poisoned wine, Hamlet and his uncle killing each other...everything was so electric and so entertaining. But the bes was yet to come. As soon as Hamlet ended they did an encore for the audience only to present it in a faster version. Very innovative and very classy. But the best was yet to come. After the encore they did another encore. This time the fastest of the lot. It was so hilarious to see the three crew members rush onto stage yelling dialogues and completing their as soon as they reached the centre and falling down dead to signal the end. It was really really amazing. They did a reverse version for it too where they acted all the scenes (quickly) in the reverse. From Hamlet killing his uncle to Ophelia getting drowned, to seeing the ghost of this dead father. All in sync without mistakes.

A wonderful evening spent with no qualms and complaints from any quarter. It was really a very special night as it opened up a totally new avenue for me to explore. Something that i have longed to do for so long. Finally the dream was fulfilled. To make the matters even more interesting was the fact that the crowd was also amazing. A typical Page 3 crowd or so it seemed. Beautiful women in beautiful dresses. Smart men, and no kids. There wasn't an empty corner in the auditorium. The auditorium too was in one of favourite places in Delhi, Indian Habitat Centre. Don't know why but whenever i get anywhere near IHC, i simply go ga-ga over it. So it was a double header for me to go to IHC to watch the play. This has ignited in me a spark to pursue more such activities, so that i can say that i am living a life after all............

Here We Go One More Time.....

2009-06-07T11:52:00.000+05:30

So much has happened over the past month or so that i was overwhelmed even at the thought of writing about it. The magnificent election results where although the party i despise most - Congress went on to win, but it won handsomely. The feeling that the people have voted for a strong and stable government is simply amzing. Finally i agree with Rajdeep Sardesai about the Indian voter finally coming of age. Guess it must have been my inexperience that led me to believe otherwise earlier but now i'm really happy that the country has a solid foundation and can/should step up the much needed reforms. Agreed had BJP come to power there wouldn't have been stark differences in the policies being followed. After all each political party works in the same way. So it's good that we can look up to some non Left rule for 5 years now.

Second important thing in this sad instance of mine called life has been the departing of two of my closest friends in recent times. Both finally headed to Kolkata. Away from the mindless bullshit that we have to face everyday. I'm glad that they are going, pursuing their dreams. But it feels sad to let them go. What will i do without them. Who will talk with about stocks and the markets. Who will i joust with and make fun of. Whose login everyday will i look forward to from now on. Yes i'm losing two of my most prized assets :) but i wish i was going with them. God knows when we'll meet next. When we would sit together and enjoy the time like we do now.

I had hoped of writing two separate articles for these incidents but the mere thought of writing about them made me so much unsure of myself that i couldn't bring myself to write anything. It was like i had slipped into my now recurring zone of aversion where in i hate the very thought of writing. I started to write something else but couldn't take it through. Coupled with the laziness that has seeped in to my routine i have barely managed to write something right now. I also wanted to write about the comments i got on my last article. I was told that how i needn't be a world calss writer and that is surely not accepted of me, so i should stop criticising myself and think positively and write pleasant things. I was also told to do add spice to my articles, make them more interesting. To make them acceptable to a larger audience. And if possible take it along a different route altogether and try something new and creative. Something that would make people really look up to my next blog.

Guess i would have been able to do that had i had a wonderful imagination and in some sense a positive outlook to life. I'm constantly berating myself for a tiny or major fault. There's a unknown complusion of trying to be the best and leave no stone unturned in my stride, just because i know that because of my poor observation, i would leave hundreds behind. There's this fear of failure and not living upto a certain set standards by god knows who and in the process constantly overevaluating myself. I agree i have a pessimistic outlook to life which somehow had changed to optimistic outlook a couple of months ago. But events have made me change myself again. I nhave time and again asked myself, how should i let go of this dark nature of mine. How in the world souuld i write, think, act in a positive manner but have come to nought each time. What can i do is something i have no answer to.

I know that this article of mine will again cause a lot of peevishness at me from my friends, but i neededc an outlet for all the bullshit that was developing inside me. I need an outlet where i could scream at myself or anybody else, just because things didn't quite work out the way i imagined them to. It would be harsh to say that i have lost hope, but yes my faith in hope has been dented seriously. Lack of oppurtunities and luck has certainly made me take a different look at hope. Luck has never been on my side and when it has, it has come with a rider. So the two things people cling on to all their lives have deserted me quite early. But i'm not scared of that. I believe in myself and i know that with luck or without it, i will surely make it where i want to someday. Too ambitious, maybe, but if i don't think this way then i might not amount to anything in life. I have faith in myself and i know that someday i'll be the person everybody would be talking about.....God bless us all.....................

No. 50 - The Journey so far

2009-05-13T21:23:00.000+05:30

This day, right now I'm writing my 50th article on this blog. My first ever attmpt at seriously writing about stuff that i would love to talk about with someone. Suffering from a perennial lack of people to share my views with, i was always filled with all the thoughts for which i never had an outlet. Probably that's why i used to talk to myself a lot. That is why i guess writing comes naturally to me. I know i'm not a great writer and all the stuff that i write is hardly entertaining let alone interesting at times but this much is true that whatever i write comes straight fro m the heart and the mind. There has not been an iota of fakeness in my writing ever. That some might say is just lack of imagination and yes i don't have anything to defend myself with on that. But still i believe that whatever i have written so far is genuine and my actual thoughts and feelings and hence holds sntimental value.

As the description on the top of this page shows i am quite choosy about topics that i write about and hence going through the last 49 articles you won't find a lot of variation in the topics that i have written on. Movies, politics, love & pain, self introspection and probably a few here and there, that's my total list of articles. I don't write flowery sentences. The ones that show off your vocabulary. I don't write enterprising articles depicting tales of some events that never really happened. I don't write about people's point of views. What i do write is about me, my thoughts, my feelings. Guess you can say i am a self centered pig but what can i do i love myself. The fact is that i can't write about how other people might think and react to a situation because if i'm writing about something that simply means i am interested in tallking about it and that leaves me the only candidate whose voice my mind is ready to listen.

I know like the other articles this one too is going to land up in a heap of mass , unread and unappreciated by many. After all there is nothing exciting about it. A no. 50 article should have been special, right? Actually, no. I don't need special numbers to get myself talking or doing stuff. I don't need a date to tell me that i should go tell my mom that i love her. I don't need a date to go and express my love to my special someone. I don't need a no. to write a fantastic article. So like the rest this one too has a bit of introspection built into it. A bit of self criticism and a bit of cynisicsm too. I know when i started out on this blog i wasn't very sure how far this was going to last. It just happened that i hated the idea of blogs to begin with. But now, 1.5 years down the line i feel like this was the best decision that i had ever taken. I don't care if my articles are read only by those whom i mail the content and that outside those 10 people there is hardly any visitor on my blog but that is not a dampener.

Agreed it kind of hurts not being so popular as a blogger after all who wouldn't want a little bit of appreciation. But i know that i am not writing this blog for people's pleasures. It's a gateway for me to at times let out my frustration without harming anyone and at times talk about stuff that i really want to express my thoughts on. This is more or less my online diary and i guess it's fine if it ain't read by many as it leaves it a tad personal. In Dec 2007 when i started this blog it was my way of getting back at people who had hurt me without going up to them to let them know that i was being hurt. Slowly, the feelings faded away and i started writing about stuff that i wanted to talk about. Slowly my interest started increasing and consequently a lot of what was going on my mind came out in the form of words on a page. Looking back now i feel that it has helped me in more ways than one. It has helped me keep myself sane in the time of struggles and heartaches and at the same time helped me improve my writing and to some extent my usage off english language.

I know i am still far off from being a true artist, i am a novice i would say and would continue to be so for a long time to come. But yes, my writing has given me a renewed sense of confidence and belief in myself, something i was surely lacking when i first started out. Today i come across many people who have writing as a hobby/interest and i hear their efforts and it hurts to know that i am somehow not in that league yet. But i guess, i have never truly tried hard to be in that league. I have continued writing in my own, mundane style week in and week out. I am not a show man but i do want to believe that i am a craftsman. I am polishing an honing the writer in me so that someday it can reach heights that i only dream of right now. I know i am trend setter. After all i have made four of my friends start writing about their feelings but i won't call them bloggers yet. They don't have the zeal yet though Zoo Zoo is showing some signs. I though am a bit surprised. Over the years my weakness has been my quick loss of interest in things. But blogging somehow has managed to survive for a long time.

I don't know if i should call this blogging or not. Like i said this is more of an online diary and since i don't go and read other people's blogs apart from those my friends write and send across, i think it wouldn't be right. But again since this is a web log, blog seems the natural adjective. I was once told to write in a way that leaves the reader searching for more. A gripping tale or narrative that makes you go on reading no matter how long it is. You should be able to make the reader commit to you. And in the end he must be left awestruck (or at least near enough). But till date that has not happened with me. My writing style is such that i can't put in the spice. I love the writing style that i was told to adopt i know, but i guess somewhere inside me i am just a bit lazy to make that extra effort. I know i should sign off now as i have blabbered on for long and nothing important has come about and ofcourse this will only further dip the IRP's of the blog, so i am saying goodnight to the owls and to those burning the midnight oil for god knows what reason....

The Great Indian Democracy

2009-05-10T12:58:00.000+05:30

Three more days and the elections to elect the ruling government for the world's largest democracy comes to an end. Three more days for the elephant to dance. After a long and tiring journey spanning almost 5 weeks spread over 5 phases, the voters will have voted and the fate of god knows thousands of candidates will be sealed. The begging from the voters comes to an end and so does the constant ranting against opponents. The mud slinging and the promises all are now over. The manifestos strewn across the face of the land as the billions of rupees spent on this behemoth find their way into somebody's pockets. Three more days and the noise of the loudspeakers and the blaring of horns and loud music on the roads as well as the radio comes to an end. The use of electronic media was well as the radio and the internet by the 'national parties' was commendable. The parties pulled out all stops to make themselves visible to the public.

Sure enough this was a special time for many first time voters. After all you get to vote for the country once every 5 years only. Many confused souls didn’t know who to support and who to reject. Guess they didn't give a damn about politics. Voting was the in thing and nobody wants to be left out from the acceptable group now do they. Many didn’t vote as they were not in their constituencies. They were away from their homeland. They can go for their excursions into the country side for a weekend getaway but no they can’t take a leave to go out and vote. That is just not that important on their list. After all who cares who gets voted in, it’s of no concern to us, as if what they do somehow means something. Many would agree to this line of thought others would simply shrug their shoulders in saying that they didn’t have their voter id. It’s like they wouldn’t go out to get that clothes and accessories when they need them. But getting a voter id is too much a trouble to take.

God knows how India is running forward with full steam with a lackadaisical govt. slumbering along while the elephant wants the speed much like in a stampede. Everyone is amazed as to how the Indian economy is booming despite the fact that India ranks amongst the lowest in terms of human development and corruption indices. It’s the entrepreneurs who are making the clock tick and if someday they decide to stop the engine will come to a screeching halt. The inefficient governments (no matter which party comes to power) seems to be all at sea when it comes to the crucial questions of security, foreign policy and economy only tend to increase the distrust amongst the voters regarding their candidates. Everybody is fed up of the corruption so deeply ingrained in the political and bureaucratic system ever since Nehru first decided to overlook the demon seed.

Yet the quintessential hope never fails. Every Indian despite the odds believes and dreams of a better future for them and for the country. It’s this hope that keeps on taking them back to the voting booth to try and put in their effort to elect a capable govt. that has the power to do what they had promised during the elections. That is why the elections still manage to generate the hoopla and the excitement both in the lives of public and the media that covers every inch of the activities. Sure enough there are loads of complaints against every government across the country but a point to be kept in mind is that those who don’t/didn’t vote have no right to blame the govt. They were not a part of electing it then they should just shut the bloody hell up and accept what they got.

All this now leads to a totally different arena. The arena of horse trading where every party coming up short must sell their souls and ideas to get the coveted seat in the cabinet. They must try and conjure up the nos. to form the new govt. for which they have worked so hard. So what, if in the process they have to compromise on their ideals, the very thing the public looked at when voting for them. That doesn’t matter at all. The seat of power is what matters as it would guarantee a 5 year period of rule during which they can accumulate masses of wealth and probably stop worrying about a secure future. After all some tens of crores of rupees is not enough to last another 10 years right, because that is what is the future average life expectancy of the politicians today. They need more and much more to fill their coffers. Suck out the blood of the Indian masses, making them work hard and then take away their money to fill their pockets. Gosh that is a very hard thing to do. To do all this in only 5 years is expecting too much.

But rest assured in a weeks time we will know whether the coming of age Indian public has really voted sensibly and chosen the lesser of the two evils or has it as always gone ahead and given the baton to the devil himself so that he can come back and smack you right in the face with it and yet make it feel like he has helped you in some way. A week at max is what will tell the world what India will give them in the form of govt. A week to rejoice and usher in 5 years of mourning………

Death

2009-04-25T16:42:00.000+05:30

One Two Three...stand back. Again, one two three...... No we will not give up. Again................ All the time the sirens of the ambulance constantly blaring in the background as the vehicle moves through the traffic to take the victim to the hospital. Luck plays a major role if they manage to get to the hospital on time. But even hen the patient loses his fight against time and all that is left is a one big heap of mass. Loved by many, cherished by some and might even hated by few. But fact is all the feelings come to nought when the angels of darkness come calling, taking away the life given so measurably by the lord.

I admit, my tryst with writing (disregarding my earlier attempts at it when i was in school) began with a poem where i was famously courting death. I did so to make it interesting, to add up the spice. I wasn't serious at all about it when i wrote that, probably because i was only 18 at that point of time. It was more fun oriented than anything else. But over the years, life and time have taught me things that would surely make it imprudent to make fun of death. It's the living reality that all of us know about but surely never admit.

Death can take away people you considered closest, people you loved the most, people you cared for, people you respected, people you wanted to have in your life and some even you never cared for to begin with. But this doesn't mean that you are not bothered by the outcome. You are because you are good souls. You feel the pain when you see the urchins begging, the deformed kids trying to walk with their heads held high, the forces of nature crashing down on helpless individuals, the suffering that is so evident everywhere around us. You see and feel all that. Death has its own way of showing things to people, to make them understand the reality.

I have seen it very closely albeit only 2-3 times. Losing family members everytime and one a very near miss. Sure it hurts like hell. Having the wind sucked out of you in a jiffy. Initially you fall into a pit of disbeleif. How can it be true? There must be some mistake. As if death would have asked you before it came knocking. Although it should have you feel, but that's not how reality transpires, does it?

Each time i lost somebody, i made up an excuse. It's better they died as the place is no longer worth living. They were facing so many problems. It's better they are far from it now and the likes. I was never troubled by death as such. I had always taken it as part of life and moved on. But it does sting for some time. In my case that time has always been short lived. To this i sometimes feel that i might just be heartless. A heart devoid of any emotions. One who cares only for worldly pleasures and not the real things that matter - emotions. I don't know how i'll be judged in the court of the lord but i am very confused by what i should or should not do in such situations.

Death makes life seem so short. Anything can happen to you at any time. You have zero control over it. Then why the hell are we fighting for that inch of space, salary, land, feelings etc? Why?Why are we running like fools after something that's non existent to begin with?Why are throwing away our lives? Simly because its simpler this way. The hard way of meditation and spiritualism doesn't have the zing and the bling that we crave for always. I know all this is run of the mill stuff and anybody under the sun can write it and yeah probably you have heard all this a million times in your life but what can i do, if something so shocking happens you are bound to feel the aftershocks albeit for a short time (in my case that is).

I guess the strength of character comes up when you face this situation face up and stand up to the demands of emotions always putting up a brave face. That's what character really is. Standing tall in adversity. Not letting situations bog you down and moving forward to defeat the demons of pain.

I am grieved today by the loss of a person i didn't even knew. I only knew the girl who knew the person. I don't even know the guys full name, yet i am disturbed. The boy meant the world to the girl and the girl is a very good friend of mine. So in this pseudo friendship of sorts, i am grieving. Funny, yes if you want to have a look at the lighter side of it. But it all boils down to what are we here for? When there is nothing in our hands then what are we here for? We can't control where we are born. We can't control how we're born. We can't control how we are going to die. We can't control when we're going to die. Then what are we doing? I am not a spiritual guru and i can't answer that question. But i somehow feel that we are in this world simply to determine what we'll become in the next................

P.S. - An ode to you dear, you know i know that you'll pull through this time (you have already begun on that path).

IPL

2009-04-23T22:20:00.000+05:30

"It's big, it's going, it's out of the park for a DLF Maximum. Boy that man can hit some pretty big ones. 100 metres the distance it travelled. You're absolutely right my friend, that wasn't a bad ball either. Just goes to show what power this man has and the timing." Something you would have heard a hundred times over the las fortnight. As the second season of IPL currently going on in South Africa moves into the second phase, the cricket buffs across the country and quite possibly the world are not complaining. The excitement of last ball finishes along with the total domination of 100 runs victory, everything keeps you glued to the seat in front of the idiot box for a full 3.5 hrs.

Lalit Modi engineered this mega event last year was a run away success beating competition at the box office by more than a mile (figuratively). This year too after the hiccups the event has got going and brought out some good surprises in terms of the teams leading and lagging behind in the pack. This money crunching machine, pitting individuals of the same national team against each other. Such is the prfessionalism in the players that even while playing against old friends they are thinking of the team's interests first. That or maybe the money that his being doled out is making the choices for them. Eitherway, this mix and match of nationalities and personalities and charactes has surely brought the playing teams closer.

The event commands a world wide audience and is well appreciated in all parts of the cricketing universe making it a true global event next to only the World cup. But among all this craze for cricket and the excitement over the shrtest form of game (so far), there is something else running around hidden from the view. That is the brains and the management of BCCI - Board of Control of Cricket in India. The men behind this gamut of frenzy, the real men who thought up this event. The ones who eked out the details. The guys who brought in the money. Everyone has done a stupendous job to take the game to an all time high level. Agreed T20 attracts more viewership than other forms of the game and thus is bound be more successful/profitable. Still as they say in cricket you have to put away the bad ball to make it count. Same goes for this.

The men shrewd in their planning knew what they were doing and what they wanted. Now that is a sign of good management. People with brains putting them to good use and milking the oppurtunity that presented itself when India won the T20 worldcup. This sort of idea does make you wonder, whether this can be incorporated in some other game or can this be helful elsewhere. Hockey was a step ahead in this when they launched the Hockey Premier League 3 years ago, but low popularity of the sport made the event a non starter. No wonder the national game is in the ruin. Compared to cricket where India hasn't done a lot to make the nation proud, Hockey in the past has brought in huge laurels. Slowly that populartity was lost and predictably the national game had to move aside to lend the centrestage to something else. In this cricket crazy nation (much like football is to England) the day starts and ends with some or the other piece of cricketing action being viewed across the country.

Sure enough it's cricket that is hitting the headlines even as the largest democracy in the world dances to the tunes of election. Political parties crying their hearts out but to no avail as voter turn out remains dismal at 50%. Yet the viewership for the IPL matches remains high enough at around 70%. People having no interest in cricket too find time to watch a few overs but somehow to go out and vote is a big problem for them. Yes elections are for their country this time and not the state or the municipality for that matter (I doubt if people even know that we vote for the municipality too). Even the cinema halls are not running any new releases. IPL has hit every other business hard. Yet no one is complaining. Why should they? It'll be over in another fortnight or so and lives will be back to normal.

People will move on to other cricket matches, movies, studies, jobs etc. and IPL memories might just be lost in all the din. The only thing that will be running about IPL would be the coffers of BCCI with Lalit Modi sitting on a pile of cash and smiling like The Lord Buddha..........

I'm Back - But To What?

2009-04-16T21:57:00.000+05:30

Seems like my punchline for the day. Yes i have been going around saying this line over and over again today. Where am i back from - I am back from Srinagar and the valley of Kashmir. A wonderful trip of 6 long days. Gardens, flowers, mountains, snow, horses, mountains, trees, snow. It was all breathtaking. Just too good to say the least. A trip which i sure would never have made myself and was coaxed into only by my sis - the livewire in the family. But it was a wonderful trip nevertheless even with all the security concerns. Just goes to show what some illogical persons can do to a wonderful place. The valleys were awesome, the snow covered mountains too. The majestic view of the Himalayas was by far the best thing i had seen as a nature lover. Predictably we went around clicking shots at very nook and corner much to the annoyance of mom and bro.

To begin with the gardens of Srinagar are so very beautiful. Too many variety of flowers and fountains running through the centre. Set up in the Mughal era these really make the valley heaven on earth. Then the snow covered rads and mountains of Sonmarg. I had never seen so much ice and snow before. Mountains fully cloaked in a white dress so pure. The sleigh ride down from the mountain top at full speed, bouncing over the edges and the brakes applied making it a fantastic experience. Then came the valley of Pahalgam. Taking the horses to reach the clearance in the midst of the valley. Gulmarg came and along came rain to spoil the fun. Shikara ride on the magnificent dal lake was also an experience to have.

Bidding adieus to the valley we moved to Patnitop where another chilly day awaited us. Nathu top with the Pir Panjal range on one side and the Himalayas on the other with chiily winds blowing was again breathtaking. Ride to Udhampur and the ride back home on the train was also a great journey. So I'm back home after 6 days of winter break in the midst of summer. Back to our very own Delhi-15. Back to the rigours of office, back to the facilities of phone and internet. Back amongst the group of friends i am soon going to lose. Back to the sweltering heat of Delhi. Back to the same tensions and travails. Back to the same pollution and noise. Back to a lot many things.

But do i want all this? After the experience of a lifetime in the past 6 days. What a wasteful life we must be living in right. Sadly the lifetime experience is too heavy on the pocket to sustain for long. So in the end..running out of options we have to settle for saaddi dilli. I love Delhi make no mistake about it. I have lived here all my life. I love travelling through it everyday. I love the trees and the well maintained roads. I love almost everything about it. But there is also the negative aspect to it. I love being in touch with my phone and internet again. But doesn't that make my life mundane as before - doing the same old tasks.

Soon my group of 5 - The Famous five some may call us will break up. People moving to greener pastures. My best friend of past 7 years will finally move away. Sure i'm happy he is moving to a great new place but i am also selfishly sad for having to let these guys go. My fun time spoilt and lost by my own deeds nonetheless. I would have loved to join last year itself. This year too would have been great. Guess it might not be written for me. The peaceful nature and the noiselessness of the valley quickly lost on the noise filled streets here. The trip now remains as a part of the memory that is captured in the photographs.

So taking all this and a few other things in mind i ask again - What am I back to?

HOPE

2009-04-06T21:07:00.000+05:30

You got to have faith/hope. Many songs/poems have been written on this theme. Virtues of hope are abound in nature. Everyone keeps on harping on faith and hope as the medium of future. "Look for a better future. Have faith and hope and things will turn out differently," so say a lot of people. People in every walk of life live everyday by this thread of hope for someting better than today. I too have time and again sliced off my favourite dialogue,"Hope pe duniya kayam hai." Guess there is a lot of faith in the very funda of faith and hope amongst the masses today, probably more than there ever was. But does hope really help?

I don't want to tread on the lines of blasphemy here. I know many people live their life on hope alone. But still my mind races to question the effectiveness of hope. How can faith and hope be helpful? Is it not just another way to avoid looking at the reality? Foolishly developing a non existent atmosphere where everything in your or someone else's life will be perfect. Can it really be helpful? Emotionally, yes. Hope lets you play with your emotions. Masking the reality. Conceiling it from your eyes.

You must be wondering why this tirade suddenly against something as pure as hope. Has this guy gone crazy? Well to allay your fears, no i have not gone crazy. No i have not turned a pessimist. No I'm not sad. No i'm not disturbed. In my continuous endeavour for self introspection and trying to learn about myself by delving into the past, i have come across certain instances in life that have made me question the theatrics of hope. These instances have compelled me to think about hope in a different manner. Let me make one thing clear here. I have been the biggest supporter of having hope as a means to sustaining life.

Case1: Cards - Infatuation leading to the eternal losses.

My love for cards has compelled me time and again to play and play for money and further increasing the amount everytime i play. This keeping in mind that i don't have luck factor in life. Luck is never on my side. Still in the eternal feeling of hope, i played everytime hoping to get lucky someday and bag a big hand someday. Hoping continuously to win big. But i lost more each and everytime. Hope made me bankrupt and the butt of a lot of jokes.

Case 2: Girlfriend

Never had a girlfriend in my life. Had a few friends who are girls but never was in a relationship. Got lucky once. Developed a close and good friend. One who understood me. Who didnt't treat me like others. Who I thought really cared for me. But alas, there too luck was not by my side. She already had a boyfriend. But she never took me as boyfriend material. I was always the FRIEND. But i hung on in a hope that someday she would realise my true love and accept my love. Hope was what that kept me going. Hope that someday she will be mine. Alas, i had to swallow the bitter pill that she can never be mine.

Case3: Education

The most important thing in my life has been a good education. I had always considered myself a strong contender for an MBA degree. That is why year after year i have appeared for entrances and banking on hope,luck,hardwork to get me through. I never doubted my abilities and skills. Always thinking of hope as my sole support to tide me through. But here too luck deserted me time and again. After 4 years of struggle, I am left high and dry by my hope and the ephemeral luck.

What all of this has brought me to understand is that hope actually can not be that helpful. Destiny is what makes things happen. Its the destiny that decides the future and the present for an individual. Hope plays a very miniscule part here. But then why do we bank upon it? Why do we favour it so much? Why do we give so much importance to it? Apart from emotional value does hope include anything else? But then can we do without hope? Confused state i am in. Knowing nt what to think. Past leads me to believe the fruitlessness of hope but my heart pulls me towards it time and again. What should i do? What can i do? HOPE i can get some answers.........

LIFE SUCKS

2009-04-05T12:29:00.000+05:30

LIFE SUCKS.....yes mine. Time and again I have come out to whine about how things in my life have never gone according to plan and I am left broken and shattered by the turn of events. Yes people may not like this attitude of mine and my constant cribbing but what am I to do? Things right from the time I remember have never happened the way I would have liked them to happen. The perennial shortage of friends that I could call my FRIENDS has been a major stumbling block. The oh so necessary education has always come with a rider. Not knowing what to do with what I have got. The lack of interest people have shown in me as if they are standing next to a statue. The need to have that special someone by your side. Whether you want to share your joy or your sorrow. All of this and much more that I have yearned/craved for but never got.

People might say that this is a familiar story, what’s new about you? Well I am not here to contest an election and decide who has the saddest life. I am here to write about my own travails. I am here to ask why the hell am I always on the short end of the stick? To this again people would say, grow up. Take it in your stride and move forward. We haven’t got all day to sit and listen to your sobs. But the twists in life don’t seem to end for me. It’s not that all of the pain and disappointments have happened at once in my life. I have had moments of peace and calm in between and been happy during those times. But time and again these situations arise that just knock the wind out of me.

I know that you have to accept what you get at times and learn to live with it. I know how to that. In fact that’s probably what I have been doing all my life. But my problems arise when an already bad situation deteriorates further. I might have accepted my fate. I might have taken it in my stride and moved on. But then something happens that takes the things to a new low and me along with it. I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach where it feels that all I’m going to do is throw up.

Why does it happen to me? Why when I have shaken hands with destiny does providence come knocking and takes me straight to hell. It’s not in one area of life that I have problems with. If that would have been the case, I would have thought differently. But since these problems exist in all the domains I am beginning to feel heavy. I don’t know if I have the strength left in me to face these situations anymore. This continuous sapping of energy from my reserves is continuously eroding my inner strength.

Why? Why? I can’t seem to put a finger on why am I constantly facing these problems. Why things never look up for me and when they do, why they always change for the worse. Things changing for the better are something I haven’t experienced as yet. Why the people around me whom I value so much (you would have no idea how much) always go out of their way (unknowingly mostly) to cause that extra bit of pain. Have I wronged them in any way? Have I hurt them in some way that I don’t know and for which they are hurting me back?

All these questions are hanging around my head and I have no idea what their answer can be. I wrote in an earlier article that music is one friend that can never harm me. I got a comment that this is a wrong statement. But now writing this article, taking a line from THE WRESTLER – “its out here that I get hurt not inside the ring,” I can be 100% sure when I say it’s the people as FRIENDS that are always the real cause of pain in life………………

If You Smellllll..........What the Don is Cooking

2009-03-28T18:53:00.000+05:30

Yeah i know the title is somewhat strange but its taken from the best line i have heard in sports entertainment from the one and only The Peoples Champ and yes suitably modified for me. But yes otherwise the title stands true. Can you smell what i am cooking? Cooking is an art to say the least. The aroma of food rising in to the air and capturing the senses of everyone around is truly mesmerizing. I don't know why is it so, guess its because we all love food so much. Our bulging and now embarrassing bellies stand testament to that.

Which brings me to the point i want to talk about. I love cooking and probably that is why i love helping out in kitchen at home. I love the feeling, when you are appreciated for some thing you have done. The enjoyment you get seeing the look of fulfillment or satisfaction on the face of others, after having devoured your effort. People say that this is the ultimate gift for a chef, i agree. I know i can't cook anything. All i can do is make tea (i'm very good at that :) ) and it feels good when i get appreciated.

I have an iclination towards cooking and like listening about new recipes. When i hear the experiments people do to dishes, it generates a feeling of exciement which yearns to be fulfilled at the earliest. Sadly my memory doesn't permit me to remember things like these for long. It's all the less important stuff that i or my mind rather love to remember. But i am a fan which needs to delve a bit more into this artistic lane. Slowly but surely i have grown a liking to the field of artistry.

It has so many avenues that i have never explored. So many things i know nothing of. So much to discover. Probably that is why i am shifting my focus to this field to try and see if i have it in me to deliver in this field. So that being said i know i'm talking big words here (big enough for me to handle :) ) , i am going to get myself a recipe book and start with the art of cooking to make the dishes that i love to listen about. Give the artist in me a chance to think and act rather than get suppressed in the melodrama of education.......

Seven

2009-03-26T21:33:00.000+05:30

Seven items to describe me or things about me. A different approach, definitely. Let's see what I churn up.

Item #1: Girls

Never had a happy story to tell. Although i am ridiculed for chatting with girls only, fact is they are only chats and nothing more. Don't know what is the matter here but girls just don't seem to find me busy :D, I'm always free. Yet after all this I'm still single. Can it be because i consider myself the BEST Bachelor around. I don't believe that is causing a hindrance. Rest i leave to God to make me understand coz i just can't make any heads or tails of it.

Item #2: Education

Never been a top grader in anything i have ever done. Always in the rat race though for different reasons. Studied hard to get into DCE. Failed miserably as a student. Got placed after another struggle. Then thought of another innovative idea. Lets do MBA. Since i was never a technical guy, at least i have never considered myself one, it seemed like a logical choice for higher education.Been trying for 4 years now without a single convert.

Item #3: Sports

Always had a love for fats. Guess that explains my attraction to girls. PJ's are allowed so don't worry. Coming back to point. Never had an athletic build. I was the guy who could cheer his team but never be on the pitch and if i ever was then i wouldn't be doing a good job rest assured. Yes i like to watch a lot of games and have interest in quite a few but the only game i have ever played with true passion has been Football. The game where my heart truly belongs.

Item #4: Writing

Don't know if i am qualified to be called a writer or not, but i sure would like to believe that i am. Always had an inclination to writing. Started with poetry in hindi, moved to poems in english. Now i'm into blogging though i don't visit other blogs. Isn't that ironical? You can say my blog is just like an online diary. This has anyhow helped me improve my writing abilities.

Item #5: Criticism

The self proclaimed critic - my nick name at times. Yes i don't like a lot of things. I'm very hard to please no doubt about it. But that can be because i have very high expectations from people and things around me. Yes this tendency to criticize has posed problems in the past but i don't want life to be walk on rose petals. Guess that what gives me a realistic outlook to life.

Item #6: Music

Rock and metal music. The noise (thought not as loud as heavy metal music) gives me a high like nothing else can. It is the one friend that can never harm me. It engulfs my life, my being. It can cheer me up. It can push me to the upper limits. Only thing is that i need to broaden my horizons on this front. Too long i have stayed in the shadows of a select breed of bands.

Item #7: Friends

My friendship comes at a price. No this is not arrogance. I demand a lot from my friends. I expect a lot from them in my life. Simply because i rate them the highest in my life. I would do anything for my friends. That is why i demand them to be responsible and supportive. I have failed on this front a lot and as a result have been hurt a lot too. But that hasn't stopped me from being who i am. That i call the Myth of Friendship.

There are many other points that i could have raised about me here but they fall by the side as compared to these. If something important shows up well i guess i'll write another article.

I have never seen you in that way

2009-03-23T21:46:00.000+05:30

Ahh.... that kind of feels like a stab straight into the heart. A wound inflicted upon thee by thy own longing. A result of the feeling you so wanted to express to the person infront of you. But what do you get in return? A timid but terse reply - "I have never seen you in that light." Your expression of love turned away politely. Why does this happen? After the time you spent with the person. Even after spending all your time trying to listen, handle, solve their problems. Even after being or trying deparately to become a pillar of support for them. Why is it that they can not see your emotions? This is not to suggest that you did all this for your own need. You provided the support because you actually cared. You wanted them to be happy. You would have given anything and everything for that smile to remain.

They do acknowledge your support and care. They are thankful for that and mean it from the bottom of their heart. But.....they had never seen you in that light. Period. For them you are the friend that would be always there for them. While you the wanna be Knight in Shinning Armour had by now developed those forsaken feelings that you never thought could arise are left to the torture of the mind. The mind- the fastest animal alive. The questions and answers popping in and out every minute. What torture do they put you through. You want it all to be over so you could have some peace. You finally decide to take the plunge and pour your heart out.

"But.... I have never seen you in that light." This is when it hits you. You fool of a KNIGHT. The biggest misinterpretator of all. What made you think she would be interested? Having been there for her for some time doesn't give you a right to impose yourself on her feelings. She needed a friend and you took it too far. You betrayer. You should be slain along with all the monsters that ever existed. Okay that was taking it too far. Coming back to normality. What does all this mean then? You could never have a chance? Or you could if you just tried it slowly for some more time. Maybe she will see it later and accept it. Maybe she will realise that i am wat she is actually looking for. Maybe she will come to me one day and say, "oh my handsome prince please never leave my side for i want you to be with me always." Bravo...bravo!! where's the award damn it?

Yes you would be thinking along the same lines. But that was brought upon thee by thy own self. Your ambitions, your expectations, your feelings. When will you ever stop thinking about yourself? Selfish son of a gun. Try thinking about others once in a while. You fool, destroyed or at least jeopardised a perfectly good friendship. Why did you have to listen to your heart? Your mind is more logical and reasonable. Listen to it for a change. Please. Well what now you think. What to do? Will things be same? Will she turn cold? Will she talk? Who will i find now that she can't be the one? What will happen to me? Will I die alone? You feel like crying. Man where is that award?

You ponder on the event. You think why did it happen the way it did. You talk around. You are not the only one. Many comrades have suffered the brunt of JAF- Just A Friend. You take hope. This might not be all that bad. You have company. There many like you, thinking and wondering. You delve deep into the never ending abyss. You reach a conclusion that satisfies your ego. You love your interpretation. The self obsessed narcissist pig has reached an explanation. She is wrong. She doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. I do. Ask me. Keeping this thought in mind the Knight jumps on his steed in search of new pastures where the grass is green. Forgetting the time gone by. He enters a new land. Beauty beholds and he falls in love instantly. He cries his heart out the next week to her and waits for her response. The lips part. He looks at them. They move to say something. But he is mesmerized my their movement and the words miss his ears. The last sentence gets registered though -"But... I have never seen you in that light."

P.S. - Please pass this on to all those who have been through this like this Knight - the brave son of a gun.

Blasphemy or Ignorance

2009-03-15T21:46:00.000+05:30

When i visit a temple i know what i am doing. whom i am worshipping and also what the figures/statues signify/denote. But when i visit any other religious monument i am totally at a loss. Why is it that i don't know what to do? I know after all they are worshipping one form or the other of god. But somehow i can't put a finger to it. Lets face it. I know a lot about hindu mythology and all the gods you can find in a temple, i am well aware of them and who all they are and what all they have done. But i also know that Christ was the son of the God and christians worship the son and the god and the virgin mary the mother of Christ. They pray to the lord keeping him in mind and the cross as the sacred symbol.Atleast that is what i believe.

Prophet brought islam to the world and though i know they don't believe in idol worship but i really don't know what they do in a mosque. Yes they pray to the Prophet Mohammad. But since they don't use any idol then what form do they give their lord when the muslims worship? So if i went to a mosque who should i be praying to? When i see images of the Mecca i see the big black building. Somehow it is connected to the devil that is what i know though i am not very sure of it.

This brings me to gurudwaras. I faced my current dilemma on my recent trip to Amritsar and as expected there were gurudwaras galore. Each having its own significance and value. Each revered by one and all. But what i didn't know was that what i am praying to. Sikhs too i believe don't believe in idol worship and though Guru Nanak Dev did certainly bring sikhism to the world, he is not the one being worshipped. Its the Guru Granth Sahib that is worshipped in gurudwaras. I came to know about it only in Amritsar. There are different levels/floors where the priests read the holy book and people come and worship. But is Guru Granth Sahib or its copies is present in all the floors? If so what is the purpose of having the same holy book kept in different rooms in the same gurudwara?

If i look at a temple then yes i can say that all temples are same. No difference what so ever. But inside a particular temple you can find different gods which ahave separate chambers. There is a semblance of normalcy atleast i believe so. People visiting a temple can associate with what they see and know what they are worshipping. But is this because i am hindu and have been brought up by learning about the different gods? As far as i remmember i have never been taught about other religions in great detail.Whatever knowledge i have is from movies and stories off the net.

Personally i can say that i am not a religious person though i am spiritual. Which simply means that i believe in god from the bottom of my heart but i don't believe in religions and communalism. I believe that all religions talk about one god and that they in essence are just different methods people use to worship god in their own way. But a very important point i want to raise is that why is it that i don't have knowledge of all the religions that are practiced in the world. Why is it that it is left to us to know about other religions and no in depth education is given on this subject which is free of prejudice. Why is it that i don't know what is worshipped in different religions? Aren't we all worshipping the one common god? Can there be two gods - one for islam and one for christianity?

I may be treading on the lines of blasphemy here by what i am writing but i sincerely believe that like me there are millions perhaps billions of lost souls out there who have no idea of what they are worshipping or who their neighbours are worshipping. Why so much of ignorance? This i believe is the premier cause of why fundamental groups of different mindsets manipulate us as puppets and make us do things which we could never have dreamed of doing otherwise. Sentiments are very easy to exploit and blind sentiments at that are simply irrestible.

Is this the way to go? Is this how we should live?I know there is lot of preaching going on here which again matches with my overall demenour but i am disappointed in myself for being so ignorant.........

Elections are coming

2009-02-19T20:55:00.000+05:30

Elections always bring in a sense of nostalgia in me. A sense of belonging, headiness and charm. Yes they are big. Bigger than anything the world could ever see. Bigger than Obama victory. Time for India to crown its chief again. I remember how 10 years ago when as kid i would wake up early for 3 consecutive days to watch the nos. unfold. The countdown had begun already. BJP leading here, Congress there, Third Front lagging there. All the excitement. All the debates. The fights. Man those were awesome days. Politics is something important to me and yes it should be to all of us.
After all these are the very people that are going to make rules and regulations for us. They are in a sense going to influence our lives. Why shouldn't we care. We should be more active i say. Time is with us to help fight the incumbents. The nation needs change. The era of coalition politics has hampered the growth which we want to see. My plea to all my countrymen is to bring in a party that has absolute majority. A single party heading the government can do wonders which we can only dream of.
Agreed it can work the ther way round too but our political system is not so weak to let it happen. It has stood the test of time and India even after 62 years of Independence has managed to survive and grow when no body believed it could. Inspite of all the troubles we have managed to surge. We must believe in ourselves. We ought to do what is right for the country. Rise above petty politics and take the decisions that will lead India on the path to success.
Trouble is brewing across our borders and it needs to be checked. The nation needs people who can deliver the goods. Who are strong willed to take actions. Who have a spine that is rigid. India needs leaders and we as the citizens should be able to give her that. After all that has been done for us it's time we did something for the nation. I am not asking you to fight. All i ask for is to get up and VOTE. Execise the one right the govt. actually wishes us to exercise.
Like i said earlier its time to reclaim your life, only now i would like to say it's time to RECLAIM YOUR NATION......Caste your ballot. PLEASE DO VOTE.

I've Said Too Much

2009-02-19T20:02:00.000+05:30

Woahhh!!! this is heaven. This is life man. When god created us this is how he wanted us to live. Keep doing your duties your actions but don't worry about outcomes. I'll shorten it. DON'T WORRY, period. There is so much to talk about. Slumdog, exams and god knows what else.
But i am too excited too happy to write anything. I so wanted to write about slumdog. What a movie, what a story what everything. But I'm not now. First its been too long since i saw it. Secondly enough has been already said and written. I don't want to be the piggy rider.
So Slumdog i salute you. I would also like to thank Mr. Danny Boyle for making the film. Mr. A.R.Rahman for the mind blowing music. Mr. Simon for the story. Mr. Dev Patel and Freida Pinto for acting and the crew and everyone else involved for being part of the film. Is this good enough for the academy or do i need more emotion?
Coming back to my original point. I'M FREE. Free as a bird baby. Free like the river gushing out towards the sea. There is a rush of emotions. There is so much i want to do. There is so much i want to happen. But finally after 4 years my struggle is over. At least in part. No more worries and tensions over papers. No more AIMCATS, CAT, IIFT, XAT. Wow, that is amazing. Yes i have to wait for the result. Yes it won't be long in coming, 3-4 weeks maybe. But there is one thing. It doesn't matter whether i make it or not. This part of my life is over.
It feels like ATLAS has just got the globe lifted off his shoulders. Yipee.... I want to jive. I want to groove. I want to croon. I want to roam. I want to do all that i have stopped myself from doing for these 4 years. I want to reclaim my life. MAybe a TATA SAFARI would do, what say? Naah...that is some distance away. Got my santro and it runs fine. I want to learn guitar. I want a girlfriend. After all till when am i going to be a bachelor man. I need change and that is what I'm gonna do. Change myself. I was fun loving. I was wild. But guess that person got lost in all this focus on studies and MBA. If i get in nothing like it. But if luck doesn't help me out this time then all i would say is LUCK BY CHANCE, sorry Farhan i am a big fan but i guess not all people can boast of something like you.
Man i'm young, when did i turn old?When did the spark dim? I hope that this spark lasts for long this time. I wouldn't want it to die anytime soon. I, a believer in life and god can be so sobre so tense so over matured. The more i think of it the more i'm beginning to dislike my 7 hour ago self. So i guess i should stop doing that. Plus i can't rumble on anymore. I'm not drunk for christ's sake. So here's to all you guys. Make it your last man. Get in or get out. We are bigger than this. We are wasting away. Stop doing this and that. Stop worrying. Start loving and enjoying. It feels so good. Get up and RECLAIM YOUR LIFE.........................

Not a happy reading.....maybe!!!!!

2009-01-18T18:47:00.000+05:30

Time is the biggest healer or so we have heard. But I am going a step further to suggest how the biggest force on this earth is time. How it controls our lives and dictates who the real boss is. We can wilfully waste away time or spend it judiciously but what we end up with is totally in the hands of time. The designs of our life are scripted in time. I am writing this ode to time simply because i have time and again come to realize the enormity of what time puts infront of us. How we can never control what should happen in our lives.
I would take a very vivid example. Two days ago i was all energetic and happy in the morning when i reached office. For no particular reason i was feeling elated and ready to take on the world. It was like i was finally free for some time. The day wore out and i was happy in general. Although such happiness had in the past forced me to think twice, but not this time. I had stopped given heed to all that now.
I don't know what happened but when i was returning home, i was a living ghost. A mirror image of myslef in the morning. Not speaking a word. Not enjoying the conversation. What had happened that had changed my mood so suddenly. Well there are things that you don't know or rather can't control and that is where the wheels of time roll in and change what ever that it was you had planned. Ruining your well laid out plans and leaving you bitter and sad. Now i surely don't tend to imply that all time can do is change good to bad. It can very well change bad to good too in matter of seconds if i may add.
Not getting into that i would like to ask then why are we living this monotonous life when there is nothing that we can control. When we have to live by what is being served to us and wait. Is this life worth living? Yes it is. Yes i do believe that this life is worth living for. The very anticipation of not knowing what's going to come up next is enthralling. Why do we need to be in control? Why do we need to know everything? Why can't we let things be? This is where all the answers come up. If we knew everything then what would be the fun? That would be the biggest disappointment now wouldn't it, counting down the seconds when you die....5..4..3..2...1...oops forgot to say bye.........
Looks like i have turned this one too into something that was not intended. I didn't intend this to be a phsyiological essay. I was thinking about something else but as the time passed i lost track of what i had in my mind and started writing what came to my mind and this is what i came up with. I'm not sad now. But i'm not that energetic self too. Then what am i feeling right now? What should i be feeling? Should i let time decide................

Lattoo main Lattoo.....WTF...

2009-01-17T12:05:00.001+05:30

Its time once again for everybody to ring in the New Year.........ok i admit i'm vastly late in saying this but to be honest i didnt have any time before today to write anything. My last post about the glorified Indian voter was all about politics. The article was in response to one posted by Rajdeep Sardesai on CNN-IBN. It was an ode to how the indian voter had matured as an individual and learn to decide what is wrong and what is right. Well i for one am having some real hard time believing all that. As when you see the same people doing stuff that is so different from maturity and understanding levels, i don't know what to do.

I won't go into social problems facing the country as i don;t have the time and patience to do that. But i will talk about something that i haven't been able to fathom at all. something that everyone can be involved in - movies. Recently I saw Ghajini (in a movie hall) with my frnds and colleagues from office. I had lot of expectations from the movie. After all Aamir khan in a Memento copy. Fireworks was what i was looking for. Alas, like everything else the movie too fell short on my expectations. How could a perfectionist like aamir make a movie like this. No reason why the songs were there in the movie. It was a revisit to the 70's - 80's film industry.

Audio and video not matching for the song. Come on, Jiah Khan dancing in an ultra modern video where the lyrics are - "Lattoo main Lattoo." Can you believe that. what were the music director, producer etc. thinking when they were doing this. same case about the third grade villain picked out. I'm not doubting his acting skills but i'm doubting the skills of casting director. Had the villain been a side kick which he actually is then i wouldn't have had any problem. but this was too much to digest. To top it all of you have the highly dramatic fight scenes where a single guy takes out a whole gang of goons. Even Dharmender, Bobby or even Sunny Paaji could do that.

Where was the charm that Aamir Khan brings for the audience? The only interesting thing about the movie was Asin. The damsel who stole a million hearts with her acting and her breath taking beauty. I swear if i did ever watch the movie again it will be only to see her.Moving on, as i have said the movie was a disaster to say the least. But surprise, surprise. What are its box office collections? More than 200 crores - with in 3 weeks. It has gone on to become the highest grosser setting its sight on 25 year record of Sholay. How can the public who has matured enough to understand what is right and wrong make such blunders.

And let me remind you that Ghajini is not alone in this. There was the biggest hit of last year Singh is Kinng (or Kingg) which shook the BO but on the other hand there were movies like Wednesday, mumbai meri jaan which actually were far better movies but couldn't do well. This brings me to a question. When the Indian public can't decide what's good or bad in movies and opts for simple masala without substance how is it mature enough to decide who should rule it. How can media even dream of selling the idea? To me the Indian public still has a long way to go before they can be trully called MATURE. There is still a long way to go before we see light at the end of the tunnel...

The Glorified Indian Voter

2008-12-24T23:13:00.000+05:30

Much has been written in press and told in media with regards to the recent assembly election poll results. The Indian voter has been hailed as great and finally mature by every section of the media. Politicians, executives alike have come out in support of the positive thinking done by the voters. Everyone is happy at this accomplishment and why shouldn’t they be? After all they are finally being praised for doing something they have ignored doing properly for the last 62 years.
Rajdeep Sardesai has come out in support and criticized the strategies of BJP for using terror plank as a poll issue rather than helping the government. He has heaped insult on the party for being opportunistic. He has gone on to say how the Indian voter has finally realised what is right and wrong and who is good and not. Acknowledging the use of same weapon by the Congress in 1984 to win the Lok Sabha elections he fails to admit the atrocities committed by the congress workers in the Sikh community yet mere mention of Gujarat/Modi definitely brings Godhra into the picture.

Are Sikhs not Indians like the Muslims, Hindus, Christians, Jews and people following other religions? Then why is their plight never highlighted by the media. Why is their pain ignored and no demand made for the trials of the accused to be completed swiftly? Why the accused are currently sitting at the centre and enjoying the fruits of corruption whereas the one chief minister who has actually turned his state around always harangued like a boxers punching bag. These are questions I’m sure no one will answer and move them aside as mere rhetoric but there is a lot of truth behind them and it won’t die away.

Moving on I would like to categorically state that I believe that the Indian voter has lost an opportunity this month to bring stability to the country. By voting in congress the masses have given power to one party that has never been too keen on the development, security and growth issue. Congress has forever and ever right from its inception always sought to stay in power and do nothing. Like Bhagat Singh says in the movie Legend of Bhagat Singh, “Congress sirf tike rehna chahti hai.”

Agreed terror can not be contained single handedly and we do need higher levels of communication between intelligence agencies and greater cooperation between states to counter terrorism. Yes no one party can be blamed for the attacks and failure to cope with them in a swift and effective manner. Political class on a whole is truly at fault and I mince no words when I say that all of them should be incarcerated. But there is a touch to it. I have always believed that if you are up against the BAD and the UGLY go for BAD as UGLY would really be very ugly. Like the age old adage, “Andhon mein Kana Raja.” You are caught between the devil and the cliffs. So by voting in Congress the Indian voter has brought in the UGLY, The Blind and the Devil. How would you explain the mercy plea by the government itself for the Parliament Attacks’ prime accused and maser mind Afzal Guru or the repeated inaction on the part of J&K government to arrest and prosecute the terrorists in the valley. Their more than eager willingness to release the prisoners caught so valiantly by our armed forces in hopes of getting them the necessary punishment.

Coupled with all this is the never ending theories surrounding the Batla encounter and the recent Mumbai counter attack. There might not be any proof available to prove these theories of some wrong doing having taken place but yes they do force the mind to think in a different direction. You do sit up and wonder that what if this is true. Can it be? No it can’t, nobody could create such fake encounters. But as I see it when it comes to Congress nothing is impossible. When a power hungry head of state can have her own son eliminated to retain power god knows what they are capable of and to what depths of insanity they can fall to safeguard their interests.

Yes you might have seen by now that there is a certified negative bias towards Congress in my writing but I know that it’s not completely misplaced. There is truth in all that I have written and I sure as hell don’t believe in congress’ promise of development and safety. Had it ever been so we would have seen it by now. We wouldn’t have had to deal with what we are seeing today. The Indian voter has once again failed India, keeping in tune with what has been happening ever since independence. So to end this I have to say regrettably that no the Indian voter has not grown up. He has like always fallen on the false promises dished out by the most incompetent party of the world and set the country back by another 5 years.

P.S. – I have not added economic crisis to the list as I know that it’s a global phenomena and couldn’t have been avoided by the government and hence I do recognize that no part can be blamed for these tumultuous events.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

2008-12-18T22:45:00.000+05:30

Its been a long time since i last wrote something.A change has come over me i must agree as regards my commitment towards my writing.I have grown a bit lazy to say the least, preferring to do other things while online (mainly chatting) rather than writing.Today if i'm writing anything it is primarily because currently i have no one to talk too :).But on a more serious note there has been lack of motivation on my part to write anything, quite evident from my last few posts.I don't know the reason for it and it has been worrying me for the past few days where i have wanted to write something but wasn't able to put anything together.If i were to take a guess i would say that the sense of sadness around me and in my life over the past month could be a reason.But i doubt whether it would be true as during the same time i have had few really wonderful moments beginning with my cousin's wedding and culminating in my exam result.

So i am back to square one.Trying to find the reason of this dilemma and to find a way to get out of it too.But on the other hand i have to admit that i have never been so confident of myself as i have been over this past week.I have never felt so good.This surely is a positive sign.I'm happy if not excited or elated currently nad guess that is all that one can ask for in today's time.I have faith and belief in myself (what if i got one thing wrong in the project :) ).All this has spurred me on to take life more easily and try having more fun.Then why the conundrum.Why can't i write?Why a person who has always got a 'Too Talkative' remark in his report card not being able to talk?

Voila!! looks like i have struck upon the solution (I'm a genious :) ).Jokes apart, i think taking my last few years into consideration since the time i started to write this blog and sometime before that, I got more talkative-wanting to pour my feelings/frustration out of me whenever i was feeling sad or depressed.However, when i was really happy and enjoying myself i didn't bother too much to write something.So in short my writing is somehow linked with my feelings and emotion and that is the reason why most of my articles are relating to sadness and pain.Some movie reviews did go through but they were written simply because the movies were awesome.I might have missed a few movies but then again i'm not really a movie reviewer :).

So where am i now?Enjoying loud, heavy music (Hindi too :) ) writing and enjoying myself. I'm finally listening to the same music that i have been avoiding for so long now simply because i hadve gotten bored with the same collection.Guess this comes with the jolly mood that i am currently in.I must admit I'M LOVING IT.Head banging and grooving to the beats.Man i had forgotten what great collection i have.This is a journey to the past of sorts.

I am happy yet feelings of restrain do arise.Is so much happiness acceptable.Will I not be hit by the cycle of life where each phase of happiness is followed by that of sadness and vice versa.But to that I can say that I’ve quit worrying about the future.It is so uncertain so why bother thinking about it.Things will happen at their own pace.So live and enjoy the present.Move on from the past and put the future aside.Live and let live.So what I am doing for this.For one I have decided to change things in my life a bit.I have decided to pursue things I have wanted to do for so long but never had the will to do.I am going to make every day of my life count and try find something important to remember it.So when I look back I can find more than a handful of days to remember.This is for that wave of optimism sweeping inside me – I DON’T WANNA MISS A THING……………….

Dear Diary

2008-11-30T20:29:00.000+05:30

Over the past few months i have seen a lot happen around me and there have been many instances when i have felt like doing something out of all the frustration that had been building up inside me.But the non-violent attitude doesn't allow me to take up cudgels and fight against the perpetrators of all this nonsense.I instead have taken all of it and more as a bitter pill and swallowed all the anger everytime that something has happened.But rest assured these instances do leave a mark on the mind.What happens certainly affects you in ways you would not know at the moment but maybe sometime later on.They tend to form your views and opinions on certain issues and regarding certain people-people you know and people you don't know.This may not look all that bad but the feelings that develop as a consequence of this may come out at the wrong time and in the wrong manner which can be harmful for a lot of people around you.
My mind has been through hell and back during this year with a wonderful beginning but a sad and depressing end that just doesn't seem to end.I have been on the high and elated and down and out within matter of weeks if not days.The upheavels i have gone through personally plus what i have seen happen across the country has send my mind for a toss.There are so many feelings that have developed inside me with a lot of ambiguity.Don't know how to react to all this as its all very confusing.I have not been able to make sense of a lot of things.Being a practical, non-violent and realist person i look for reason in everything around me.I somehow have not been able to find the reason behind terrorism.
There are so many thoughts flowing around inside my head.So much to say, so much to write about,so much to do yet whenever I try to sit down and write something meaningful and interesting i fail miserably.I was baffled initially when i was hit by this.I was not sure that when i have so much to write why i'm not able to do it.I tried and tried but couldn't write anything good. Then it dawned on me that its because i have so much to write that i fail to write coherently. What i'm trying to say is that because of the monumental block of feelings stored up inside me, i have not been able to channelise it all into one flowing paragraph.That is the reason why there is no fluency, no clear cut thought process.
I have taken out all the pent up frustration in my life on the poor and hapless readers of this blog via my sometimes sad and depressing but sometimes meaningful articles (pray that they forgive me).But this time i haven't got a clue what to do because i can't write anything substantial. Always resulting in a botched up attempt at writing an article.I don't know till when this phase of sadness and gloom will last in my life but i surely hope that it ends soon as it is getting really tiring to put up with it day in and day out.After all there is alimit to how much i can take.I know i'm strong enugh to avoid imploding but am i strong enough to prevent myself from exploding?That is the answer i'm looking for in my life.
I don't know if all the crap i have dished out here today makes any sense to anyone because i for one can't make out a thing.It can be that my mind is to restless to read through all this or it might even be the distraction of the music ringing out in my ears but whtever be it i am glad i wrote something.I was beginning to feel that i might be losing my interest in writing and music at the same time but since i'm doing both the things together right now (listening to music and writing) i guess i need not worry on that front for now. So to end this sordid saga of my unnfortunate mind and its incapabilities i would sign off for the time being with my eveready one-liner - HAVE A NICE DAY.........see ya...

I'm Asking Why...!!!!

2008-11-29T21:21:00.000+05:30

Long time has passed and a lot has happened in the world since I last felt like writing something. The Americans have their first Black President,financial crisis have changed the world scenario,terrorism is continuously climbing that never ending ladder. Personally, there is nothing great to write home about too. All in all i would say that I am longing for even an iota of good news in and around my lfe. I don't say that I'm sad and depressed but i won't say I'm elated either. I'm held up in a situation where everywhere i look i see gloom yet people somehow taking all of it and more in their stride and moving on with their lives. They are hurt yet they can't do anything about it and hence moving on is their only option.
Fresh piece of bad news that has hit me hard although I'm miles away from the drama and the action is the recent Terror strike in Mumbai. A 60 hour long siege where the city of Mumbai was literally brought to a halt. Held at ransom by a group of 15-20 people with sophisticated weapons at their disposal. The attack left 183 dead - 22 foreigners,20 Policemen,2 NSG commandos rest innocent civilians,caught in the crossfire between the terrorists and the security personnel. So many lives lost. Some very important people died,some not so important and a lot of common people going about their daily lives.
I am proud of all the people who fought to save the city from these bastards,I pray for the people who died and left their loved ones in grief.I pray for the people who managed to come out of the ordeal alive but are still shell shocked and traumatised.But I do not pray for the decision makers of this country and instead wish for them to rot in hell for as long as the devil wants.Its their incompetence for which the people of the country have to pay with their lives while they waste public money on themselves and their so not very important lives.I didn't lose anyone in the attack.No one i knew was present yet i am so saddened like the billions around the world at witnessing such a ghastly act of cowardness.
Only few hours have passed since the chaos finally ended with a monumental loss of life and property but I'm pretty sure that those in power and those wanting to get in power won't stop from using it as their agenda in the coming polls.They will try and drive maximum mileage out of this to suit their personal agendas and fill their overspilling coffers a lot more. Having sucked out the spirit of democracy from the mind and heart of the people they have literally sold the country to the wolves. The whole political class be it Left,Congress,BJP,BSP and many others are part of the same coin.There is not one leader whom you could look up to,whom you could respect,who could represent this large and (now) not so proud nation.
My mind keeps on coming back to the same point that all this sadness in one form or the other that we have become accustomed to seeing and being a part of in our daily lives must have roots somehere else than what we are made out to believe by the politicians and the media.I mean there must be more to it than meets the eye especially if you analyse the experiences of the last century.
I think no one could have ever guessed what the follies of one nation could do to the whole world.They brought destruction in terms of warfare.They gave rise to unbriddled consumerism to suit their own fucking lifestyle while the whole world suffered.they brought the global economy to recession with their flawed policies and regulations. They gave rise to terrorism all over the world in order to combat an enemy. It's the US that gave rise to Taliban in Afghanistan in order to fight USSR.They supplied all the arms and ammunition and reared a virus.But like all other viruses this too beat back the hand that fed it.Presto - 9/11.
And since then there has been no looking back.Countries have suffered,people have died,spirits killed yet no one has dared to stand up and ask where does all of this end? When will it stop? What can we do to stop all this? I have tried my hand but never reached anywhere close to an answer. I am mentally shaken by all of this and don't know what should be done.Do we go on a killing spree and kill all those suspected of terrorism in one single swoop to send out a message that we mean business and we shouldn't be taken lightly or do we sit back and think and take some decisions and wait a bit longer to implement them while we are faced with another such situation................................................

Deja Vu

2008-11-17T23:26:00.000+05:30

It was a revisit to the forgotten past.Another trip down the painful and forgettable memory lane.A trip i didnt want to make.I wanted to move forward and not go back down again in my life but as fate would have it there is so much that you can do and wish for.There were so many hopes, so many wishes but all came to naught when that trip though unplanned and accidental came to be.All hopes broken in matter of time.Guess the apt words that could spring to mind would be-"Chann se jo tootte koi sapna....jag soona soona lagey jag soona soona lagey koi rahe na jab apna...jag soona ou?soona lagey."Trite, sure, but you can't run away from the truth, can you?
for 4 long years it had been the most important thing in my life.Everytime running after the same thing,for the same elusive(or illusive, i don't really know) victory.The past years were different in the sense that i knew that i still had it in me to take the fight to the next year.But this year was different.From the outset i knew that it would be my last attempt to gain that victory.No more attempts after this.But what does fate had in store for me.I guess something else.Like the horror of 2005 i had to face the same result.Same scores, same rejection.
I have always believed that whatever happens, happens for the best.That is why after coming so close to getting admission to the most coveted college of all in India - IIM's and not making the final cut i was over it(albeit after some time) thinking about the struggle the current batch would go through and how things would be different next year. But what next year am i talking about when i fail to get admission in the first place.The struggle of the past 4 years has taken its toll.I knew that i wouldn't give it another shot and now here i am, not knowing what to do.Where is the best part in all this for me i can't see right now, maybe somewhere down the line thr might be but i can't see anything right now.
I don't know if the shock i have felt will ever let go of me because to me getting that one seat was the most important thing in the world.Didn't want to settle for anything else.Its like when a child sees a toy and likes it and wants that particular toy and nothing else no matter what his parents might say about the other toys being good or equally good.The child wants the particular toy at all cost.My case is pretty much similar except for the fact that in case of the child the parents oblige by buying the toy i have no such recourse now.I can't be into IIM ever, just like i never got into IIT.
This brings me to another point that has been circulating in my mind since yesterday.All my life i have never got anything that i wished for and the few times that i have, it has always been accompanied with something else being taken away.Examples galore and i would be a fool to even think of narrating any one of them, there are so many.Rest of the times i haven't got what i wished for.Seems like luck has never been on my side and never will be.I know my thoughts are depressing and sad and people think i'm crazy doubting myself, but the hurt and the pain that i'm going through won't let me be.What is to become of me now.Will i get a chance elsewhere?Even so i will have to settle for something else.It would be a compromise that i will have to accept(If at all i get 'Lucky').The feeling will linger forever and ever........IIM remained an impossible dream.

Rock On...........

2008-10-14T17:05:00.001+05:30

Writer, fighter, producer, director, singer, actor……camera man, every man..... FLOP…. Went the title song of Jaspal Bhatti’s FLOP SHOW but in this case it’s a big hit. No I’m not talking about Flop show’s success though it was a huge hit too. Here I’m talking of something else, something that has taken Bollywood to the next level. Can one man do all the things mentioned above (give and take one or two). Well, 2 months ago I would have said no way hose but I would have been made to eat my own words because there is a star on the horizon ladies and gentleman. We knew he is a good director, but a singer, actor, fighter (one punch only but he has a toned body J ) this we didn’t know and we saw all of it and more in ‘Rock On’.
Yes I’m talking about the charismatic ‘Farhan Akhtar’. Two months ago, I would have termed his entry as an actor as just keeping up with fad of becoming a Bollywood actor/actress. What with Himesh Reshammiya and the slew of models making their debuts alongside Emraan Hashmi. It was good that prior to watching the movie I had not seen any promos or heard any songs either which helped me take the movie as it was without any preconceived notions. I was skeptical to say the least of the star cast of the film. A film about music and no established face (including poor old Arjun Rampal). But not only were the performances great but also the music.
A Bollywood movie on rock music is very hard to come by. But it would create such a buzz was beyond my wildest dreams. Arjun Rampal has acted now in what about 20-30 movies, maybe more and done few good roles too but he fades in and out of the movie. Agreed his character was a slow, chill type guy but if you are performing on stage you got to move your fingers on the guitar even though you’re not actually playing it…. What he was doing is beyond me. After OSO this was a big step down for him I would say. Purab on the other hand showed a lot of character in the small role that he played.
But the star who took everyone by surprise ‘Farhan Akhtar’. He has taken Bollywood to a different level with this role. Nowhere in the movie does he make you feel that this is his first film as an actor. Such intensity and finesse is hard to see in the current crop of young actors. His performance literally blows you away. He gets so involved in the character he is essaying that it is mind boggling. Whether in a business suit as an asset manager or a rock star performing on stage, he fills both the roles completely and you are left wondering is he the same guy that we saw earlier. Much like what must be going on in Prachi Desai’s mind in the movie.
But all accolades fall on Farhan more so because this is not his usual cup of tea. To come up with such a brilliant performance on debut is truly amazing. Apart from acting, his voice too is quite good and you again tend to think that it’s a professional singer but surprise it is Farhan Akhtar. And what a dear old friend of mine would say,”Tumhare alfazon ka sahi hona lazmi hai kyunki tumhari maa Shabana Azmi hai.” All in all an electrifying performance in a very entertaining movie. Farhan has made a lot of fans and now I am one of them. From ‘Socha hai..’ to ‘Rock On’ to ‘Sinbad the sailor..’ the music has simply left me speechless. Wish to see more such movies with more such performances in the future. But tonight its all about one man, the star ‘Farhan Akhtar’.

Aur Bataa

2008-10-14T14:08:00.000+05:30

It’s a bright sunny day and you are feeling good at office, at college or even relaxing at home. Suddenly breaking the silence around you, your phone rings. The ring tone is your favorite obviously. You know the caller, a good friend at that. You start chatting nips and bits. Small talk – how’s life, how’s work/college. Nothing major or substantial. Then you (or the caller) utter the words. If you do say/hear them, then congratulations you too have been affected by the deadly virus doing the rounds. People call it by different names but I like to call it the ‘Aur Bataa’ virus.
This is that phase of the conversation when actually you have nothing important to talk about with the other person. You can pretend to support various topics to prolong the talk, but in reality you have no idea about what you are doing. You are drifting. You called up the person just for the heck of it. After all what did you expect? He will break down in front of you with all his problems looking for comfort in return or rather start blabbering about every small thing they did or saw in the day right from brushing teeth to getting to bed.
In today’s time people keep so much to themselves it would be foolhardy to accept a very meaningful talk with someone who is not amongst your closest group. Even then there is the chance of upsetting a closed one and hence opinions and views are further curtailed. Coming back to point, we’ve grown accustomed to using this phrase that I’ve started to wonder that have we actually run out of things to talk about. I can’t remember one conversation with my friends (phone/mail) where under 5-10 minutes I hadn’t used ‘Aur Bataa’, ditto for others too.
This epidemic has brought up another question to my mind that has the new way of life of this generation led to a mass disinterest in the art of talking? Although tit seems highly unlikely, what with the subscription nos. for telecom companies hitting the roof. So what is it that is spreading this virus? A question that is more of a mystery than the most mysterious question of them al. Hell, even writing about it here has left me with very little things to talk about. I can’t seem to think up of anything new to add to what I’ve already written and I can see myself saying the same two words – “Aur Bataa.”

Sorry Bhaiya Aap Galat Aa Gaye – Take A U-Turn

2008-09-24T11:39:00.000+05:30

A very common line spoken innumerable times a day around the globe in different dialects. I myself have said it so many times to god knows how many people. Today however I was on the receiving side. In a short span of 45 mins I heard the phrase at least 5 times. When you don’t know where you have to go and have to depend on people for directions you can’t be 100% sure whether you’re getting the right directions or not. Coupled with the other traffic moving along the whole process was in a way a nightmare.

The ‘Schumacher’ in me was tamed down to a snail. On a day when I clocked 122 km/h on my speedometer I was forced to drive at 35 km/h. The high of having driven at 122 in the morning – breaking all existing records on Delhi’s roads (even highways) was washed over by the journey later in the day. A series of U-Turns ensued where every time I got some new directions. Plus the pathetic condition of roads made it miserable under the sun. To top it all off the work we had planned to accomplish didn’t get done and here I am all broken and tired. My legs aching after having endured another 1.5 hr drive home and 3 long badminton games that were played at a stretch.

But do I regret it? Hell no. I have realized over the last two years that I love driving. I may not set out on a trip every other weekend but whenever I’m behind the wheel, I love it. Moving in and out of lanes and speeding (only little-wanna touch 150 someday). I simply love all of this. But sadly Delhi traffic doesn’t allow you to enjoy the drive. You will get stuck up in a jam somewhere for sure, crawling at 5 km/h. But I take it as a strong pill, swallowing it down. The fun and the excitement is there nonetheless.

How I wish I had a clear stretch with minimal traffic every time I move out, but so does everyone else too I guess. You gotta love driving when you’re sitting in that seat and no matter how tiresome or long the journey maybe, you won’t feel bad after it because you have just done something you really enjoyed. Like Dhoni says,”Padai kuch bhi ho, zindagi mein Pyaas honi chahiye.” So I can say mujhe driving ki pyaas hai (hehehe).

It wasn’t like this in the beginning when I first started driving. I was fed up of the traffic and my inexperience. There was a time when I didn’t even want to drive. But slowly I got used to the car and the feel of the wheel. I grew confident and soon it transformed into love. I know I don’t know a thing under the hood of the car but I know I love all that there is.

That’s why my heart aches whenever I hear unwanted sounds coming from the car. It’s like you hear a loved one cry and you know you can’t make him stop. If I look at it closely, I might be brought into thinking that someone doesn’t want me to drive but that’s my imagination running wild. Thus from hero (at 122) in the morning to zero (5-10) at night, I’ve surely had an eventful day……….

Happy Ending....????

2008-09-09T08:49:00.000+05:30

Out on a moonlit night with your special someone by your side, you look deep into those mesmerizing eyes. (You are) searching for the answers to the questions haunting you for so long. Could it be? Have I found my one true love? The person I want to settle down with? Is this the love that everyone keeps talking about? You hold hands and smile. A satisfaction emerging from the knowledge that yes you have found what you have been looking for all along. No longer a simple crush, it is real and beautiful love. You believe deep inside your heart that your feelings are reciprocated.
With a sense of joy and elation, you take the plunge. The three most important words you will ever speak. The time you spent rehearsing them. Your heart is beating faster than normal today. You are nervous; bordering on the lines of terrified. You turn back from the brink. It is way too tough than you had imagined. But your strength regroups quickly. Pushing you forward again. You are worried about the outcome. What if the answer’s a no? You could lose your best friend. But if you don’t propose you might lose the love of your life.
Caught in the dilemma you are moving back and forth. The emotional backlash takes its toll on you and you give in. Throwing all inhibitions aside you make your move. Not knowing what to expect you say the three words. Five seconds pass and there is no response. You start panicking, ostracizing yourself for jeopardizing a wonderful friendship. Cursing for making the ill advised move. Ten seconds have passed by now and you break up in sweat. You turn your eyes back to your love and the expression nearly takes you out.
You see a smile, full of love and care. Your hopes rise. You see light at the end of the tunnel. You were not mistaken. You took the right step you feel, as you pat yourself on the back. The mouth opens to say something but closes right back. Choice of words at this point is very important. The lips part again, mesmerizing you with their slow movement.
Words start coming out, but you don’t understand them. It takes you some time to establish what is being said. An apology is being given, you think. Unable to make any sense of what’s going on you try hard to concentrate. Then the words sink in. Your effort, your love have been rejected. You were never looked at from that angle you hear. You were, are and always will be the best friend. Shattered to the bone you try to regroup. This has been more than a shock. You were certain that you were not alone, that your feelings were reciprocated.
But it was not to be. No amount of consoling could help you. You are stricken with grief. Friendship is intact though. You look around yourself. Ironically, all you see is couples in love. You ask why, why you were rejected. No answer could help you though and you know it. You move away taking up time to think. There was one error in your judgment that now seems pretty clear – You were expecting too much. You were expecting the same status that you had provided in your life. You were expecting love in return of love. A glaring flaw that was overlooked in the moments of excitement and anticipation.
Crestfallen you accept your fate. After all you tried. But what to do now? Do you still continue as before? Do you act as if nothing has happened? Can you? Can you stand the pain day in and day out? All the questions bombard you from everywhere. What should be your next step? You think of searching for a new person in your life. Somebody, you can have everything you had planned for with. But even while you search, you can’t figure out a way to let go of the past. It still props up to haunt you. You are sad and irritable because of it.
Then reckoning dawns and you try the formula you had always preached. You let go of the thing you love. If it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t it never was. You wait impatiently for that call/message. Nothing happens. You are dumbstruck. All this while it was you probably who was clinging on. You were the one making the items roll. This reality seems a harder blow than the previous one. You take it in your stride though. You move away thinking it’s for the best. Feeling betrayed you turn skeptical even hostile. You believe you will find love someday but you know you won’t fall for it as easily (as you did his time). You will be cautious. You will be ………… careful.

Worthy of Worship

2008-08-17T14:31:00.000+05:30

"Sandese aate hain, hamein tadpate hain ki chitthi aayi hai ke puche jaati hai, ke ghar kab aaogey, likho kab aaogey, ki tum bin ye ghar suna suna hai........" Words that have stayed with me ever since i first heard them. The greiving and worried yet very very proud parents, siblings, children of every person enrolled into the Indian Armed Forces spend most of their lives in hope. They worry whether they'll see their loved ones again or not. They grieve when there is no news. They feel proud whenever the forces achieve a victory.
The devoted rendition of services rolled out by the over one million strong Indian army is something to take inspiration from. It's something that should be saluted. Working conditions are harsh (almost always) to say the least. No life security (and we crib about job security). Order driven regime (of the superiors). The hardships of bunkers and the crossfire with the enemy. These are but a few of the risks and problems our servicemen face each day with pride, dignity, love and passion. The virtues you'll find missing elsewhere in the country.
But what becomes of this cavallery? What happens to these men and women fighting the enemy day and night for us, so that we can sleep peacefully without fear at night. So that we can crib about a 10% increment but no medical increase. What becomes of them? A jawan died two weeks ago from the heavy firing from across the border. He left behind a wife and a six year old. The kid won't see his father again but he doesn't shed a tear for fear of making his mother cry. He knows and accepts that he is the man of the house now. Nobody knows how many times this story might have been repeated or what happened to these young tots (those 'lucky' enough to get highlighted - 15 seconds only though).
No one gets a mention, no memorial, no coverage, no news. Yet politicians die and get a memorial, a samadhi. People remmember their names and all the dates of their lives. What their children are saying and doing even though they might be talking about a deal only in the House. No one cares to come up and ask what the government is doing for the people, who are actually keeping it safe (neither the Left nor the Samajwadi party). What schemes (quotas) are being given to them for enabling us to live and breathe freely. Who pays condolences to the family of the deceased? Who will care for the brave men and women and their families when they are gone? A mere 500 a month pention!!!!!! You can splurge crores on the no. of sittings of the House but you can't ensure secure future of the the families of those fighting the enemy so that you can sit on your ass in the right and comfortable place.
Aren't they worthy of worship? Shouldn't they be treated equally if not more than the politicians whom we accord demi-god status and who still suck our blood for their pleasures. I am writing this feeling ashamed and saddened of what this country and its people (yes i'm also here) are doing to the persons who should be worshipped. They in essence are the givers of life after God ofcourse. But these humble souls never ask anything for their services. Acceptance and love is what they want from us. I don't know what should be done to take care of the personnels and their families but do hope that something is done so that someday we don't run out of the youth willing to join the forces.......

Vande Mataram

2008-08-14T22:42:00.000+05:30

Inquilab Zindabad.. Sarfoaroshi ki tamanna ab hamare dil mein hai.. Dekhna hai zor kitna bazuey katil main hai. Mere words to some, passion to many and life to rest. Whatever they mean to different people today, three quarters of a century ago they were golden words engraved across the hearts of the millions and millions of people across the landscape of the country. Like fire smoking through a forest, like river water cutting stone. A beautiful song sung by many in as many movies made on the pre-independence era, these words carry lot of weight age when it comes to patriotism.
Every nation which has sacrificed a lot to gain independence from someone else whether external or internal has a theme which each generation adhere to and follow. I don’t know how patriotic India is today but I have reason to believe that these words instill some sense of belonging, of faith and dignity even in the unpatriotic of hearts. These and the other outcries of the independence from British indeed move one to tears. These were written and spoken by one and all from every region and religion in the country. Perhaps this is why they are so sacred because they don’t have any communal overtones to them.
India has fought a long and hard battle against independence from the British rule. Many lives were lost. Many atrocities were suffered. But it was not enough to deter the faithful and the believers. Shaheed Bhagat Singh and Chandrasekhar Azad-revolutionaries in there own respect were instrumental in arousing the youth at that time to stand and fight for the country. In their short but eventful life they did more than many who worked on different ideologies. It was their love and passion for country that has today accorded them cult status amongst the youth of the nation.
The Indian National Congress was formed in 1875 to mark the beginning of an organized struggle against the rule. But quickly under unassuming leadership the focus was lost. Independence got demoted and being n power (somewhat) gained precedence. The political class of the Congress was content with being handed out assurances while at the same time doling out innumerable speeches to the naïve public. With no body to oppose him and everybody willing to follow him, Gandhi saw an impassable opportunity. Something no one had ever done before and no one could ever repeat.
He had a commanding voice, shrewdness, knowledge-all the ingredients of a motivator. At his helm were congress leaders who had the support of the masses. He was intelligent enough to work with people’s feelings. Shrewd enough to know what is best and what needs to be done. Gandhi was just as opportunistic as any of the current breed of politicians. If it hadn’t been for Bhagat Singh and his call for ‘Purna Swaraj’ Congress would have continued to run the rant of Dominion status for another 20 years. Bhagat Singh in his short stint as revolutionary did what Gandhi couldn’t do in two decades.
His popularity grew quickly, rivaling that of Gandhi in less than 3 years. After centuries of exploitation and atrocities the Indians were fighting for something that was actually theirs-Independence.
Bhagat was not caught in a police raid. He surrendered willingly to gain a platform to reach out to the masses. He called upon the young generation to rise against the suppression and fight for independence. Gandhi worried at seeing his popularity slip had to do something. If he wanted he could have had Bhagat Singh, Sukhdev, Rajguru pardoned by the viceroy, but he didn’t. Any guesses why? Gandhi wanted to leave behind his legacy, of which he wanted no partners. Had the Bhagat Singh wave continued, he would have lost out and with it his legacy, his dream.
Bhagat Singh was thus hanged while Gandhi pressed on his feeble efforts for independence. To Gandhi, leadership was easily available. He could have easily become the PM of independent India. But he had other ideas. He knew that if he got involved in power politics he would lose his sheen. He wanted something else. Something that would make him stand out. What better title than ‘Father of the Nation’, having control over the new government and yet remain the ascetic he pretended to be in the eyes of the millions for centuries to come……..

Criticizing the Critic

2008-07-31T17:37:00.000+05:30

It begins with a simple no. Ambling around to a small disapproval until the head rears and the whole idea/concept is utterly rejected/disregarded. Devoid of any taste it was, says the head. To the utter dismay of the hapless victim, he realizes, he’s just been harshly criticized. The victim with his head hung low, trudges away, mourning the loss and wondering where he had faltered. The onlookers, having got nothing else to do in their lives, these pitiful souls, they run up to the grieving victim, offer him their condolences and in a typical fashion denigrate the critic for his words. After all, critics are useless people and nobody really needs them anyways, isn’t it?
In this world where everyone has an opinion on everything under the sun, it becomes important as to whose opinion would you listen to along with whether the opinion makes any sense to you or not. Criticism in some sense can be taken as an individual’s opinion. What is absent though amongst all the opinions floating freely in the upper atmosphere is sound logic. This is what separates criticism from general opinion. Criticism is always accompanied by logic and reasoning. The whole thought process behind the judgment is clearly enunciated. Like everywhere else here too there are two sides of the coin. On one hand there is healthy criticism and on the other destructive criticism.
While the former appreciates the topic at hand and uses a mild tone to highlight the negatives, the latter uses a harsh tone and focuses mainly on the negatives. Magnifying the faults while completely ignoring the positives, Destructive Criticism takes shape out of circumstances. Sometimes warranted and sometimes not, it forms an integral part of a critic’s arsenal. To many critics it sometimes becomes a savior, an assertive call to let the prey know who the real king is.
But where lies the fun/excitement? One might wonder why critics do what they do. Can it be all that fun to poke fingers at others and highlight their shortcomings? Good questions i.e. if you don’t know what criticism is all about. Criticism is not about highlighting the faults. It’s also not about talking down to others. Criticism is an art. It takes time and a lot of thinking goes into it. You have to delve deep into the individual’s mind and come up with a theory, a theory which supplements your judgment. A critic has to analyze the thought process of the individual involved by taking clues from his work. Criticism without the logical theory backing it is as bland and phony as a toy phone placed in a phone booth.
Not only does the theory provides credence to the critic’s judgment but also eliminates the basis for counterarguments. Any good critic, worth his words, will always put up an unbiased/impartial view to his readers. He delves into positives along with negatives of the issue at hand. Critics can be harsh and blunt at times but that is the need of the hour. Critics recognize the importance they hold and what weightage do their comments carry amongst the general public. Their continuous efforts make everyone around them perform at his level best by projecting the faults as possible scope of improvements.
At a time when even a small disagreement can lead to acrimony in some cases enmity, being a critic takes a hell lot of courage. Being a critic is no walk in the park, critics are ironically the guys who get the most criticism for their work. But often, it is borne out of sheer resentment rather than sound logic. Nevertheless it’s something they expect out of others too, whom they criticize to take it on the chin and work to remove the inadequacies. All the victims of criticism should thus instead of grieving sit up and analyze the faults and rectify them to earn the praise of everyone….. even the critic.

Maula Mere Le Le Meri Jaan

2008-07-29T17:09:00.000+05:30

“Mar jayenge/Kat jayenge Sukhan Lal Ji, magar harke nahin aayenge.” The words which heard at the right time from the right person and at the right moment almost made me cry in support of the tricolor. Mood changed from jovial to a devoted seriousness towards the nation. Yes the words are from ‘Chak De India!!!’ when the women’s hockey team had reached the finals of world cup. This movie sums up what cinema should actually be all about. The role movies play in our day to day lives is more than just a 2.5 hr. entertainment piece. The social and emotional message that they send out to the masses can literally change lives of many. But isn’t that what cinema must do?
Chak De along with a host of other films including RDB, Khosla ka Ghosla, Black, Aamir to name a few from top of my mind, have special messages that are conveyed to the society in different ways. Not only are the performances good (though not all films include the superstars in flamboyant roles) but the script, choreography and above all the direction of these films have been astounding. The skill to get the most out of the actors standing in front of you and make them deliver the strong performances is truly commendable. I have spoken this before and I reiterate it now that whenever a human being stands apart from the crowd by having a masterpiece of his work showcased in front of the millions, it truly is a special feeling to be a part of it.
In current context, to see what people can do to films and actors with their skills is truly fascinating. Although there may be many moments in movies that move people but there are some that linger on in the memory and stay with them to remind them time and again that in some small, irrelevant way they were part of history. For if any of the movies being made can have an impact on the society and make it change its ways to look at things in a positive manner and work for the betterment of everyone, I guess you are part of history.
Agreed cinema can not be curtailed to movies delivering social messages only. There must be light hearted comedies or dark thrillers or even down right action movies too, for the movie makers have to cater to a larger audience with different tastes. But is it not a shortfall on our part if we can not take a message from these films too. Films need not be all about goals and messages. They can be light hearted like OSO, Bheja Fry etc. But if we take a closer look here we might be able to see the not so obvious message. In case of OSO – the whole movie revolves around one theme – “Picture abhi baki hai.” It tells us that one should not lose hope, ever. That’s a strong message hidden amongst the glitz and star power.
I know what I’m essaying here might not find acceptance with a lot of people. The most common comment I would receive might be – “We can’t go about looking for hidden messages everywhere. Films are for fun only.” I agree that is true but if you can find such lessons then isn’t it worthwhile to adhere to them. After all we aren’t perfect by a long shot. This is what we should be doing all the time instead of only when somebody points it out to us…………..

Crazy Little Thing Called LEFT

2008-07-18T15:53:00.000+05:30

We will fight for the good of the common man. We will oppose every move to bring foreign investment to India because it will endanger the jobs of the hapless poor. We want to see India grow but cannot allow trade with the developed world. India should stay away from capitalism and embrace communism. China which holds a third of Kashmir as captive is our true friend while America is the biggest threat. The public sector units should be managed by inefficient people if necessary but control to private sector is totally prohibitive. We should subsidize every commodity in the market to help the common man even though it causes huge losses to the treasury.

Don’t be surprised. This is just an assimilation of the numerous speeches given out by the leaders of the Left parties over the decades. The archaic ideology, senility settled down in the cadres of the party, the octogenarian patriarchs….. all this is what the Left has come to symbolize today. The ever present blockade to any kind of growth plans the government might have, the Left parties can be assumed to be at the fore front of every dharna, gherao, bandh that you might come across in any part of the country. A personal opinion it might be, but, I doubt that outside the party lines and the camaraderie any sane Indian actually likes the Left policies. Their following among the masses owes more to tradition and brutal force rather than anything else. The failed and outdated ideology is what they have managed to cling on to even today.

Some say that the biggest FDI India has received in its history is the entry of communist ideology amongst the citizens and political parties. Their true intentions can never be gauged easily. What is the logic behind the decisions and statements made by the party heads is totally lost on me. Otherwise how could you explain the pullout of Marxist cadres from the Quit India Movement of 1942 at the last moment with the quote that the party had changed its thinking on the matter. Or how could one forget the call to usurp the newly established government in 1950’s with an armed uprising only to back down at the last minute and leave the hapless comrades to suffer the retaliation of the government forces while the party heads coolly made it in and out of jails without much delay or fuss.

In the nation where everyone denounces the emergency of 1975 till date, CPI was the only political party in support of it (apart from Congress of course). The communist ideology has failed in today’s time but the Left seems to cling on to it harder than a drowning man would to a floating plank. The rigidity in the party structure and the lack of young blood/generation amongst the party ranks has left the CPI, CPI (M) without any leader with remotely charismatic personality in its ranks. One of the major reasons Left has managed to stay put in the political circles is because of the feared ‘comrade raj’ in every state it holds a presence in. Brute force is what has helped Left to survive the tide of time. A good example – Quenching of protests in Nandigram in 2007 over land relocation issue.

At a time when the communist parties all over the world are shifting their stance to be more receptive to foreign investments and development projects and funds, the Indian faction continues to live by the ideology set by Marx in 1920’s. The hardcore communist regimes of Russia and China too have softened so much over the past decades. So much so that China today is the biggest receiver of FDI in the world. It has allowed unrestricted access to its territory to foreign players while the CPI threatens to bring the government down on talks of offloading government holdings in the companies. Their efforts concentrate more on getting done what they think is right rather than what is good for the nation as a whole.

The angst of the Left over the hike in fuel prices when every oil company was suffering huge losses due to crude price rise globally is quite bewildering. The funds that government has to cough up to make up for these losses have to come from somewhere. Most of the times it comes from the funds allocated for rural development and healthcare projects for the poor. So the proponents of pro-poor policy are taking away the funds that were allocated for the development of the poor in the first place. So who’s good are the Left parties really thinking when they oppose the price hike?

All this seems to reflect that the ideology of the left parties is not clearly thought through. How would otherwise explain their current stand in the face-off against the government over the nuclear deal. Knowing that they don’t stand a chance to bag majority in the elections if they are held now and accepting that they don’t want to see a BJP government at the centre, they are left with only Congress government at the centre as an option which not surprisingly is what we have right now. So why anyone in his right mind would topple a stable government just few months before polls when it wants the same government after the polls in the first place?

Hard to understand or defend the logic behind the decisions taken by the Left we are but mere bystanders to the political circus that is the Left we can only hope that people fight against the atrocities of Left and give them a resounding defeat so that they stay away from all kinds of decision making in the country…………
P.S. – Author is a non-political entity who opposes everything related to Left.

Pairi Padan

2008-07-17T13:56:00.001+05:30

An oft repeated phrase in every gathering of family and relatives, 'Pairi Padan/Pai Lagoon' has survived for god knows how long in our dialect. It is the quintessential greeting between two relatives whenever and wherever they chance to meet. We as the young ones are instructed by our dear parents "Beta ye tumhare uncle/aunt/grand-relatives hain, inke pair chuo." And we being the obedient misfits do as told without thinking about it. Bending down in whatever minimal space we might have, to touch the feet of the elderly/not so elderly person standing in front of us. This act of respect is intended more for the latter's blessings than the formers backbone exercise.
But over the years the value of this exercise seems to be lost to me. I mean what is the point? Do the elderly give their blessings only on having their feet touched? Ok, it might be a gesture of respect and reverence, agreed, but i wonder when you don't know a person and probably would never see him/her again in your life, is he/she really appreciative of you to give their heart felt blessings after just a small gesture which may or may not amount to a lot in the first place. I mean if you really consider it, you are giving your blessings to a total stranger on the pretext of family. You don't do that to every person you might meet on the road, do you? So what makes it special in the familial circles?
Coupled with all that is the intent behind the initial gesture of respect. Majority of the times this gesture is thrust upon us rather than coming from the heart as it rightly should. You are left in a very uncomfortable situation where you get to learn about the long and distant relationship you might have with the other party. Where do you go and find that immediate respect when you don't know the person standing in front of you. I remember one particular family gathering where my mom tugged at my arm and took me a to a line of aunt's sitting on the chairs sipping cola. So there i was bending down, seeking blessings, standing up, moving a step forward and repeating the exercise. A matter of fact, by the time i reached aunt no. 4 i had forgotten who was aunt no. 1 and today i don't even remember who all were sitting there that night in those chairs.
Well all this may sound blasphemous to the ones having really strong family ties but i believe that respect should come from the heart. You can't create respect at t=0. So it would be better if people think about what and why they are doing things (even if its a small thing). But having been put through numerous instances of being introduced to strangers and instructed to touch the feet i would say that I'm not complaining. Sure the situation amuses me and i find the whole exercise futile but i know my respects come from the heart most of the times and are fabricated only in few cases although i'm not very sure about the blessings..................

A Salute

2008-07-02T22:45:00.000+05:30

The moment was special.Not liking what is happening you go back in time to the very moment that started it all.You think about the stuff that had happened.You think why you don't remmember a thing.You strive hard to remmember it.You are fighting yourself to focus on that lost link that separates you from what you are and what you were.What happens when this fight becomes so great that it actually takes you back in time and you have the one chance to change the circumstances.You can change how the incident would affect your life.You think you can play god.You think it will be good for everyone involved.But you are not God.So where does that leave you.You have changed history but still it leaves you no where.
This is the story of The Butterfly Effect(2004) the movie.This was one hell of a movie which i must admit has left a deep impression on me.You can not believe the things that are going on in the head of the guy.You think either you are crazy or the movie itself is bogus,but as it turns out its neither of the two.The end leaves you speechless and in shear admiration of the talent that men can possess.What they can do with their minds.It was the moment that transcended time and the euphoria that ensued was something that comes not too often after watching a movie(atleast for me).
I must admit i am a movie buff.I like to watch anything that can be termed ok. So one would think that such moments would be far more common than what is being made out here.But this moment was really special.I am a great admirer of human skills.Skills that make you stand out from others.Things that can make people sit up and take notice of you.This movie was one of those things where the mere name will always ignite in you that special reckoning of having seen something really special and fantastic.Its a salute to all the directors and actors out there who with their endeavours are trying to make cinema that is different.Which is somehow away from the mainstream action/romantic themes.Movies which make you think the meaning of life.The purpose and the means of existence of human life.
I would want everyone reading this blog to watch this movie asap so that you can relate what this talk is all about.Maybe then you'll better understand my point of view.It's been 7 days now i think since i saw it but still the images are so clear,the sequences everything is so fresh and everytime i think about it a smile crops up on my face signalling the wonders that we as humans are capable of.........

India needs an Obama??!!!!Really!!!!

2008-06-21T22:47:00.000+05:30

There is a background article on what i am writing here.Its the one posted by rajdeep sardesai on his/IBNLIVE's blog.So please read that if you can't connect with what is being talked about.The article on the other blog talks about the Indian political scene and how India needs more Obama like politicians.I had written a reponse to that blog which i am currently pasting here.So here goes....................
We love to sit in our chairs in front of our laptops and point fingers at everything that is not right with this country.Be it politics,sports,society,bureaucracy or any other thing.Just like we have an article here exhorting the status of the Indian political system and extolling one followed by US.How what they do smacks of professionalism and India's reeks of everything bad you can think of.How money plays a big role in Indian Politics.Newsflash...even in the US the election tickets are distributed on money power.The more money you can conjure up the better are your chances of landing a nomination for the senate.Infact politics and money poer have been synonymous for eternity everywhere in this world.
So to think that the distribution of tickets in India alone is not meritorious is completely flawed.A multi party system is always difficult to manage especially in a country like India.The system that we have in our country was setup by the very guys who got us independence in the first place.So to question what they might have thought is not such a good idea as they thought well enough for India to be a sovereign,secular,socialist democratic,republic for which we are clearly grateful.
We love to hate the political class that is ruling us.Criticise the system that we live in,yet do nothing at all to improve it.A very good line I remember from the movie Page3 – "You have to be in the system to change the system."But are we really ready to do that.If someone today can stand up and question us why we can’t produce men like Obama in our country, the answer doesn’t lie with the system.We ourselves don’t want to get involve in this dirt and get our hands dirty while cleaning the gutters.I say its the public who is at fault in bringing up a totally corrupt and inefficient system.If we change ourselves the system would change automatically as it is we who are driving the system and not vice versa.
I ask you why the youth of India has not stepped forward through their efforts and done something to change the system that we all hate.Why the all powerful media posts comments and questions to the public when all it really wants to do is sensationalise everything it sets its eyes on in order to maximise its revenues.I think the time for blame game has long gone and we as conscientious citizens must do something to bring our country out of this mess.But what can we do?Like the millions out there,I can sit back infront of my laptop and right stuff and again criticize someone and feel my job is done.But is it really?Do we need a figure like Obama to wake us from this sleep of indifference?I think we don't need to do different things to change the system.All we need is to do the things differently.That should be enough to get us through.What say people....Come on India.................................

Nostalgia

2008-06-21T22:18:00.000+05:30

Whenever you spend a quantifiable amount of time with someone or something has been there in your life for long you tend to take them for granted.You know they mean a lot to you.You are enthralled at their being in your life,but on the face of it you start taking them for granted.It's only when they are gone do you feel sad in their absence.Be it anything in your life friends,love,institutes etc. etc..Won't you give away all your wealth for that ephemeral shot at reliving those times again.Will it be worth it you might ask.But i ask you don't you miss thiose times.Isn't there a bone in your body,a part in your mind and soul that didnt want those things to go away in the first place and even now would want it all back.When this feeling takes over you just can't help yourself.Either you can be really happy remmembring the times that you had spent or you can be sad thinking that you'll never get to spend that time again.
This paradox can be quite exacting i have to admit.I never thought that i would miss my college so much that someday i would look back and think why i'm not there.Why when i was there i took everything for granted and was always in a complaining mood and never appreciative of the fact that this whole college belongs to me.I am here for four long years.I can do anything i want.I should do anything i want rather.Today i look back and remmember the things that i did.The classes the admin block,workshop,labs,canteen its all so good to remmember.But i know that phase of my life is over.I have moved on.Joined a good firm.Working and earning well.But never thought so much about what i had left behind.
Its small incidents that take you back to your early days when as young you felt like men.It all started as i was watching the video DCE ROCKS posted on you tube.A 9 minute effort by somebody(sorry guys i don't know who) a self composed song with good music and shots of the college campus and lifestyle and the people there and the exams and canteens and playgrounds.Its all so good to watch.I got so nostalgic and so excited at the same time.What i had missed and i did back then.Its all so good to remmember.But I know now those things won't be repeated.I have moved on to other things.Doing something else and again complaining about a lot of stuff that i don't like.Again never really appreciative of what i have and never thankful of the blessings and people i am surrounded with
I know when the time comes to move away from here i will go to some other place and then think about that place only and forget about the time i have had here.Then something would comeby and remind of things and the time gone by and again life would come to a standstill.Revisiting memories can be so wonderful and exhillirating, i never knew that.It feels great to be alive right now even in my monotonuous life.But i know for sure that when i get a chance to look back upon this i would be happy for it being a part of my life just like i am right now.I can never forget DCE for everything it has given me-friends, expereinces, life, memories............................
To end it on a good note i would urge all of you to be really appreciative of the time you are spending with people around you and please treat them well because this is what life is all about-memories.They are all that will last our lifetime even when we are on the death bed and leaving this earth.Memories is what we will have then and i do believe everyone would like them to be the happy ones.So don't be sifting through your life looking for the memories you want to remmember when you are dying.Live life in such a way that when you die every thought that comes to your mind is one full of happiness and caring for you and everyone around you.......................God Bless you all and Goodnight...

Why does my heart feel so bad

2008-06-14T21:58:00.000+05:30

What happens when you in some way hurt someone who has hurt you? You knew that what ever you are doing might hurt the other person. You don't want that to happen but you also want to let the other person know that you were hurt by his/her behaviour/comments. You have that feeling of sadness inside you that has been there for so long that now you almost feel incomplete without it. You have that frustration that anger that you want to vent out on someone. You have that need that craving to let it all out of your system. You want to say what you want to but haven't been able to.
What do you do? You find a medium for your expressions. You find something that you can openly do without needing anybody else to take that ball of fire raging inside you and slam it for a homerun out of the park. When it comes down to it the best way to truly express yourself is through writing. You can't physically harm anyone. Emotionally yes, maybe a lot more than you could physically but in this doog eat dog world do we really care about anyone else but ourselves. I am all for philanthrophy and not troubling others and hurting them even at the expense of my discomfort, a small price to pay i would say. But what happens when that small discomfort becomes a big pool of pain and sorrow and the mere mention of it brings your life to a standstill. Can you still follow those rules and still be as good nature as you have been.?
I can't. I admit i just can't. I can stand pain and sorrow but there is a limit to how much i can take. So when that limit is crossed i would say the dam of patience and silence would break. The rush of feelings gate crashing through life and sweeping away every emotion that had been stored. Washing away the pain and making the slate clean, partially. Whenever a dam breaks it can cause havoc in lives of many. So coming back to the point. What happens when some of your actions hurt someone else who has hurt you a lot. How do you feel then? Do you feel sad because you never like to hurt anyone and don't want to be the reason for anyone's sorrow? or do you feel a bit vengeful knowing that the other person too has gone through the pain which you have gone through? Do you feel happy that maybe now he/she realise the mistakes they have made, the hurt they have caused?
I am divided on this point as i don't know what to feel. I hate hurting others. If it were in my hands i would never dream of hurting anyone in my life. I know i would still be hurt by someone or the other in my life but still i don't wish evil of anyone that i know of. After all who am i to pass judgement on their deeds. The lord almighty is capable enough to handle that. But i also do want to let the persons know that i'm hurting because of them. So what should i feel? This question has been bugging me for 2 days now and i still can't seem to get an answer to it. What i do know is that i'm sorry if i hurt someone through my actions/comments/behaviour but if its the truth thats the cause of the hurt then i ain't sorry. I mean if im hurting someone by speaking the truth then i won't say im sorry. People are mature enough to accept reality, know the truth. If they are not then it's their fault. Not everybody will be nice to them forever if they continue like this. Its time to wake up and face it - This world is not a fairytale. You have to struggle for every bit of happiness you want. You have to facve the ups and downs. But above all there will always be people there to hurt you but what you must keep in mind is to take care of those who are always there to help you. If you forget that part then it will always be a steep downfall for you and in some cases the persons who love you....................

A Tribute

2008-06-08T22:34:00.000+05:30

Recently i saw two wonderful movies, both of contrasting style and setting but both of them had a theme in common..depicting the human misery in different situations under different circumstances. Both you can say have left a lasting impression on me and made me think and believe in life a lot more than i used to. We crave for happyness in our lives, we yearn for money,freedom,love and everything else that anybody can want. Woefully ignorant of others we throw a tantrum whenever we are not given what we want. We never stop to thank the people who have given us so much over the years. We still need more, want more. We say wee have faced and known the worst and nothing can be compared to what we have been through. I too am one of the group i agree, I can't deny it.

But having seen those two movies that day irealsied how lucky and fortunate i really am. Whatever i saw in those movies was something i could relate to. It was something i knew could very well be true somewhere or the other in this world and going on quietly with no one knowing about it. I'm talking about Khuda Ke Liye & Pursuit of Happyness. Two wonderfully made films with sound screenplay and strong performances. I was left speechless after both of them. The struggle of women in this world especially in the name of religion and the very ideology of arms before peace that is being followed in the world today leaves me shattered. Whatever i saw on the screen might be actually happening to somebody at this moment. To live through like this is not an easy task. Days passing by you wonder whether living like this is better or maybe suicide a better option. I don't know if i will be able to answer that question because frankly i have had it pretty easy till now with everyone around me always ready to protect me. I shudder at the thought of that bastard selling his daughter to save his image in community, something he never cared for all his life. If fathers can be so devillish who needs the devil himself on earth. I pray for the souls of the people undergoing such misery today and wish they find a better life next time around as this one is totally ruined.

Coming to the second movie Pursuit....a powerful performance by Will Smith have to agree. He is one guy who has grown in respect in my eyes with his every single career move. Having seen and listened to him since his days of Fresh Prince of Belair, I always regarded him as much of a comic who would not be able to deliver the goods when it came to drama simply because he was so good at comedy and i couldn't see him in any other role. But surprise surprise, he came out all trumps with a soulful and moving performance of a man battling life for a chance of survival in a city where he has so many responsibilites and not a dime to pay for them. Sleeping in trains at night with his 5 yr old son on his lap or spending the night in a station toilet as they don't have money to rent a room. From there acing an exam for stock broking and finally living a life he has wanted to live for so long. That shows the grit and determination of that individual to face the reality and the responsibilities head on and not bowing to the pressure. Going through everyday life with his head held high and not letting anyone know even a grain of his hardships and troubles is something truly commendable. I don't have to look far for an example here ladies and gentlemen as it is a true life story of Chris Gardner. I salute that man for all the pain he has been through and still come out on top when everybody around him didnt give him any chance.

These movies have showed how hard life can be on you and how best can you cope with it, without complaining, without whinning but by simply taking evrything in stride and moving on to what you can do to make the situation better. I can honestly say that whenever i'm sad the next time kin life i can look back upon the people i have seen here and honestly say to myself to shut up and carry on you are far better off than them. Life has been good to us all i think. Its just that we don't know when to say enough. We always want more, nothing can suppress our want or quell our thirst for it. But wouldn't life be a lot simpler a lot easier if we just stopped for a moment to think for others who are much worse off and who actually are in need of pure Happiness

This part of my life is called SADNESS

2008-06-05T22:09:00.000+05:30

Over the past couple of days i have tried long and hard to overcome the pain and grief that has surrounded me for over 2 months now. I have been more like a dead body than a living being this past month and a half. Being sadd all the time, shunning away happyness. Trying to remain reclusive to ponder to think to grieve basically for the monumental losses i hv suffered. I have been a spoilsport on more than one of the occassions. Fact is i never thought that it all would happen like this, that it would end this way. No way left for me to go, nothing left for me to do. It was more like i wanted to remain in this state more than anything else.
Its not that nobody noticed this state of mine. They did, offered help talked to me about the virtues of moving on, leaving everything behind. But i wasn't ready to accept the fact that i have lost it all like in a bet where you put at stake your own soul, much like the pandavas. But the fact is i didnt raise the stakes, they were already dead against in my favour. To win the wager from there was an up hill task, i knew that. What i didnt know was what it would be like to lose everything along with losing the bet.
To begin with i lost the best friend i ever had in life. Guess we both weren't ready to face the reality that our friendship had deteriorated beyond the point of resurrection. A poor attempt i had put in i must admit but it was from my side. Like they say...TALI EK HAATH SE NAI BAJTI i got to know the real meaning of it first hand. People say that you must always give in love and expect very less in return but i think that it is very hard to achieve much like the holy grail that everyone craves for but only a few(if at all) have ever attained. To see your love and affection ignored and avoided like something ugly and sinful can be really painful.
I understand that people have their reasons for doing what they do and i know that I won't dictate their lives and their actions ever but still i would love to have an explanation, a chat, a talk about it. If not for anything else, to just improve myself to make myself a better man. Alas, wish and hope is something i can't afford on this issue.
Another setback i have received is the agonizing knowledge that i have another year to spend before i could again dream of doing what i have dreamt of doing for the past 4 years(mba). Having been among the top 1000 guys who got the calls i couldn't make i to the first 200. The pain of having something you loved so much slip away from your hands with the full knowledge that it will never return to you again is something which is very hard to live by.
But even in these tragic times i've tried my best to keep my mind away from all this . I'm finding ways to take my mind all of this but somehow someday something happens which brings these memories flooding right back. So no matter how hard i try i still am reminded of them. Personally i believe i have moved on from all the sadness that i am much more sober much more normal than i was some 2 weeks back. But the very idea of these memories is enough to bring my life to a standstill like an arrow finding its mark or the bullet hitting the target.
Dramatic it all may sound but all this had to get out in search of a way to maybe get over this period of pain and sadness and maybe just maybe starting over again. Turning a new leaf, begin a new chapter, a different beat maybe................

Clarfication

2008-05-22T15:08:00.000+05:30

Ever since i wrote my last article i have received a lot of suggestions and been part of a few discussions where i have been told that one can not stop loving in life. One incident should not allow you to change your attitude towards love. Whatever happens you should not give up on love etc. etc.....
I have thought about this and have come to the conclusion that whatever it was that i wanted to convey didn't get through to the people reading the article. Maybe if i rephrased it all it could be better understood. So I'm here today to offer an explanation as to what i really wanted to say when i wrote that article.
I agree i have been hurt badly in love. I stand here and say that we would be better off not being in love at all than to be hurt by the very persons we have loved so much. It simply means that i would today give anything to take away the pain and hurt that i have and still going through , to never remind of it again, much like it never happened. Also I have in no way changed my views on love as a feeling. I say that one day i might fall in love again and yes i look forward to that day but i would be a lot more cautious of the people and a bit more circumspect to avoid this kind of heartache.
I agree that all relationships cannot last a life time and there will be some pain/hurt even in the best of the relationships but that won't stop me from being cautious. So i guess now i might have answered few of the doubts raised that needed clarification........

What is Love..Baby don't hurt me..don't hurt me no more...

2008-05-18T22:09:00.000+05:30

ishq waise hai ek aandhi ishq hai ek toofan....ishq ke aagey bebas hain duniyan mein har insaan...these are the words that make the day worthwhile for everyone. Every single being on this planet wants to love someone and be loved in return. Love is something one always craves for. Something you need in your life to make it feel complete. Surely your family as a support is there always, but they don't make the cut. They are there for the more mundane tasks, because when you are in love you have that heady feeling of aloofness when all else cease to matter. You want to spend all your time with your loved one. Breaking other engagements for that one date of say even an hour.

You might ask yourself what does this guy want writing about stuff we either know already about or don't want to know. Well to remove your doubt/misery i am here today to contest the very important phrase in human history that has been so often thrown around like a rag over the ages - ITS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO HAVE NEVER LOVED. First and foremost i want to meet the bloody person who said wrote this line in the first place.was he really crazy or did he not understand the real intricacies of love and was merely a bystander or did he not lose his love at all. I had always believed in this line and for so long that i could never think of it being untrue.But now at this point of time in my life i must admit my belief has been shaken.

Yes its true that there is nothing like love in this world.The aroma of love when it spreads gives you such a high that i don't think you'll need drugs anymore.The feeling inside you to hear that voice, see that face, that smile that laugh, it all can be very intoxicating.so much so you lose yourself in that sensation leaving behind everything you like and would not miss for anything else in the world.Love can change your life in ways more than you can ever imagine.But what happens when the one person you love and devoted your entire time on kicks you away like a football.having used you for their own purposes they now think they don' need you anymore in their lives because maybe they aren't sad anymore and don't need any shoulder to cry on. Or maybe it can be that they have found someone else to replace you in their lives. What happens then?

What should a person do in such a situation?Crestfallen from the hurt and pain that they are going through they stare as blind men into the sky or seek places of solitude to bury their pain.They don't understand why they are going through all this.What wrong have they done. All they did was love a certain someone with all their heart and thought that one day their efforts will be rewarded when the person concerned would acknowledge their role/presence in their lives.But that dream is not to be just like Alexander the Great fell short of conquering the world though many say he still did what no one else could repeat.But go and ask Alexander is he satisfied with that explanation?I bet you would not get a happy response.

So to come back to the point, i say that whoever said it was best to have loved and lost than to never have loved must never have lost his/her love.For as god as my witness i can stand here and say that i was better off never to have loved than to lose whatever i loved in a manner that i beg the lord to not inflict on anyone else.I cry for help from the almighty to explain to me why i was made to go through all this pain and why if i did indeed had to he didn't give me a strong heart to support it, to challenge it and in the end defeat it.This isn't a cry for sympathy as you might think but a resolve to strengthen myself against all further incidents. I don't say i will never love again, but i will surely be much more careful to give it away easily..........

In Pursuit of Happiness

2008-05-16T22:12:00.001+05:30

Over the past couple of days i have thought about writing something on this page.....but whenever i open the link i somehow ween myself away from it.Its like i didnt want to write anymore.A tumultous month has left me literally in tatters....coming to terms with the bitter reality is taking time.All the factors put in a couldron stoked by the raging fire from hell...i feel that the angels of darkness are doin their everybit to keep me this way while the angels of light are busy somewhere vacationing.Maybe this is what the elders used to call the dark ages, it sure feels like that i can say.
Suddenly the promise of cheer is gone.No avenue from where a ray of hope or happiness might creep in.This condition has brought me to a point where i find myself trapped in a state of sorrow, no escape route visible.I feel like having been left here to live with the solitude that i have hated all my life and the state i have tried running away from all these years.Flashes of happiness spread across a galaxy of darkness has brought my vision to a standstill.The promisee of sun rising on the horizon has long been forgotten and the ever increasing darkness is trying to engulf whatever that remains in my mind of the once so happy place.
The struggle against this onslaught has been weak i must admit although i knew that it was coming. Letting it run over me like a sheep left alone in a pack of wolves. Thought not fully destroyed yet but i have to admit the flamboyant spirit has been dented. The once no care in this world attitude has suffered a big jolt and the perception has been altered. Gone are those days now and a much more sophisticated, a much more analysed approach will need to be taken to live with this darkness that surrounds me now.
But here i stop and wonder.Can it be?Can i let things be and try and move around them to avoid conflict/confrontation?Am i so fond of comfort that i'm not willing to fight for something that should be mine.My frredom, my light, my life, my love. So the bigger question now arises from the dust just like the rise of the Phoenix, Can i be such a coward to drop my arms before all and everything in this world?Is there a warrior spirit in me that says,"300 against 10,000 lets bring it."or the words of wisdom,"big chance of defeat small chance of success, what are we waiting for?"I believe that there is. A day will come when my spirit will break,my body will fail me,i will come to an end but this will not be this day.This day I fight.
The fire of passion will put to pieces the burning fire of hell stoking the couldron and i will emerge from this darkness of sadness surrounding me to be what i used to be and much more.But before all that is to happen i have to find a light to get to my bed....................

Donning the DON

2008-05-04T21:37:00.000+05:30

Now when i first started writing my blog i couldnt find a good enough domain name with the travails of having a very very common name...(saurabh) so i had to rake my brains a lot...
then i hit upon this.....DONNING THE DON......Taken from my college nickname DON, so thought this would suit the domain name perfectly well...donning the mantle and living up to the name....or rather why is it that people call me that.
Any body who knows me (since college) has always asked me one thing when they meet me or come to know about me & the DON i.e. why i am called DON?well this credit goes to two of my very good frnds....Mr. Shijo K Joshua and Mr.Shailender Singh Negi(chota from hereon).A rather inconspicuous event and i had no idea that such a thing would become so big that hardly ne1 from college knows my real name now..and even in my office nobody (except for my seniors) call me by my real name.
So wat really happened?well i was in second year-the early days....oh the freshness of being some1's senior...the wish to rag the others the way we had been.....u knw wat im talkin abt....
we have all been thru that phase...well i was doin th same nthn etc..nd i wsnt alone...
i had a group of frnds wid me ragging a group of three....i don't think i went overboard i doubt tht seriously...but acording to chota and shijo, i did and they struck up wid the name and till date (5.5 yrs almost) i have been known by that name alone....hate it till date but hv learnt to live wid it....So now,there it is not a hilarious story but a Light Hearted one no doubt...a respite from my earlier write ups and the seriousness entailed....though i doubt this phase might not last for long.........newaz...abhi ke liye kafi hai....baad mein kuch aur likhenge

Butchers,Barbarians,Robbers-The story of Nehru/Gandhi Dynasty

2008-04-20T16:09:00.000+05:30

Well the events of past week have certainly given my thoughts a new dimension.Till now i was oblivious to the truth,to what has happened but now after having learnt it all i must say im sick,sick of wat these ppl have done and are doin to this lovely country of ours.They have EXISTED for more than 100 years.

But during this time they have used all their strength to ruin this country of ours.The extended British Rule,they didnt want the british to leave(asking for dominion status).Had it not been for Bhagat Singh's call for full Independence we might not have seen the light of day for the next 15-20 yrs.After that the partition,the strife caused which is haunting us to this day.The greed for power by the Clan/dynasty in Indian Politics has brought one of the biggest mistakes committed in the world.

The over zealous mother who needed all the power all the time and couldn't let her own son take the limelight,result son murdered.The slow reaction to every terror strike,every infiltration bid,hell they even let a former PM assassinated,one of their own family just like his brother.What do we hear now that the very conspirator and the accused has been granted Life term from Death Sentence on a mercy petition filed by none other than the man's wife.What have they not done to stay in power.They have killed their own kin let alone the others they killed to ensure their success.

I ask you today what has Congress in its 123 yrs of existence ever done for India except ruin the nation once so glorious and made it to be ranked amongst the lowly of nations in the world.The sheen,splendour gone.Looted away by none other than the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty that has ruled India for a Century now(almost).They are the perfect allies for everry terror outfit in the world and god knows when the innocent people of this country will wake up and see what these bloody butchers have done to them,their fellow country men and to this nation, once called the THE GOLDEN BIRD.

Is There Any Good Left

2008-04-09T14:53:00.000+05:30

As days go by i feel myself moving away from things i have cherished for so long.Growing up is tough and seeing things around you change has a dramatic effect on you.It can totally change you or your outlook towards life.World as wee know it today has changed a lot from say a decade ago and it will continue to change in the coming years.But at israpid change i'm feeling lost and wondering what is actually going on.People are not what they used to be.No more friendliness(let alone friends),no more senstivity.It saddens me that we humans as a race are treading on a path which will only result in pain,suffering,bitterness,hatred and the likes.
Today when i see around and listen/read news all i can hear about is Assault, Robbery, Rape, Murder, Bribery etc..What is this?I know that these have existed in the human society for centuries if not ages but what depresses me the most is the increased no. of such incidents that we come across in our daily lives today and added to that is the age of the culprits & the victims involved.It seems like the "Young Generation" of today (I'm involved too, I know) has stopped caring about the results of their actions.I somehow feel they don't know why they are doing this even.There is just some unseen hand guiding them through these events like the angels of Hell working their magic to lead this race to a premature end.
There is so much vileness today that I have begun to wonder that is ther any thing good left in this world?Is there anywhere on this planet something good that we can look forward to, to change our lives,make the situation better?I believe there is.I think there is something that the world can hang on to, that there is still some good left in these dark times and will continue to be there but only getting tougher and tougher to find.Now i don't say do this or do that or you are doing wrong or right.All i am saying is that whatever it is that you are planning to do or the action you are planning to take, think about it and see whether you would like to see something similar done to you or your family.If the answer to that question is Yes then my friends there is nothing on this earth that should stop you from doing it but if its a No then you needn't look beyond yourself for restrain.
So with this thought in mind I'm signing off today with many things left unsaid but yet i hope undertood...............tc & God Bless Us All

What Women Want

2008-04-06T15:57:00.000+05:30

Another oft repeated topic but kya karein dil hai ki maanta nahin.well i know everyone must surely have an opinion on this topic but wat's the harm if i just went ahead and expressed my own.To begin with we have had countless mails circulated where people have made fun of wat actually goes through a women's mind,we have had our share of laughs on reading the jokes.there is the other nerdy group too which has spent most of its life trying to figure out the intricacies of women psychology coming out with new findings and results every fortnight or so.But to be rally sure whether those can be generalised to all the women in the world is somewhat far fetched.
people say that women are the more sensitive of human beings.They are more emotional.But what i would like to ask these people is that do not men show emotions.Don't they care for their loved ones or for others even for that matter.Fact is we are better able to control our emotions which gives rise to the fib that men are less emotional than women.Now i know what i write here might not sound pleasing to a lot of peope but then again i can't do anything about it.I'm not here to please everyone.Though your comments are always welcome.Coming back to topic i would like to remind all the guys out there who have in any capacity cared for a girl in their lives.How is it that their one smile/laugh/grimace can change our entire mood and we become so helpless and actually enjoy being in that state.
This is the control women have over us.Their one request could mean everything for us.It's not to say that we don't enjoy doing it.We love it to the core but what i want to highlight is the fact that we are so enchanted by their stance that there is nothing we can do.We act as slaves in their company doing their bidding though they don't mean it at all.Women have for a long time if not from the start had their way with men.They are the supreme manipulators.They can do whatever they want whenever they want to us and we'll be glad still.That's just the beauty of it.You wish to have control over others so you go bully people to show your strength or intimidate others to get what you want.Women don't need all that.
Women for their part are a confused lot.This i think everyone will agree with me on(atleast i think so).They are never really sure what they actually want themselves.Some do and they are very good at it too but the concept can not be generalised.Women actually try to run so many things in their mind at a given point that they end up being confused about the real thing at hand.This sometimes helps them in getting labeled as "dumbo",though they can't do anything about it.They just act this way because they expect us men to understand what they want to say automatically.I mean whatever is running through their minds,whatever is it that they want us to tell, they somehow feel that we should be knowing that already.We needn't be told about it by them.
This is a very surprising line of thought.How can we know what is running through their minds yaar.If we knew i wouldn't be sitting and writing this stuff right now.But wat can we do this is wat is expected of us.This is why it becomes so difficult to talk to women sometimes.What they don't understand is that we guys generally don't like to fret about stuff we have no idea of.We prefer being told things rather than being given subtle hints which are so difficult to understand.This is why you see so many couples breaking up today.Frankly speaking two guys can become frnds based on almost nothing.Two guys can be friends just because they are guys.They don't need anything to start a conversation and sports is always there to talk about.But its not the same with girls.There you need to find the right words,right phrases and right timing otherwise forget friendship.
Studies have shown that men on an average think about sex once every 10 seconds.That is true to a lot of extent.We don't have a lot of things going around in our minds.And frankly i can say i'm happy about it too because why do we need to think about other stuff which has got nothing to do with us right now.I for one love to live in the present.But things are not always what we would have liked them to be so people end up thinking about other stuff too.Which is fine as not everyone can be the same.
Well having written all this i am beginning to confuse myself too.Women are so confusing that even thinking or writing about them can confuse you.So before any of this goes in any other direction i wanted it to be i'll end it here and maybe come back later when im fresh of ideas.
So in the end all i would say is if you really love someone and you want to make that girl happy all you gotta do is spend time with her.Try to understand her feelings.Guess her mood by her expressions cause she won't tell you but she will be hurting inside no doubt.I guess i have made an effort at establishing the concept of women psychology though it aint even the beginning of it but that's all for now.......................................

Piece Of Mind

2008-03-16T22:57:00.000+05:30

Although i have written on the lines of this topic before but you guys can take it as a continuation if you like.Well to begin with no matter what you achieve.what you buy,what you get yourself you can never be satisfied.Its not in human nature to be.They are always looking for more.Searching for more riches to somehow make them feel better,Somehow make them feel happy.But all the riches in this world can not buy real happiness.You continue your search for happiness everywhere you go in everything you do.But you never know if you're truly happy because what is happiness can never be fully defined.It's very subjective and indeterminable o say the least.You'll always be looking out for something.
But If you for a moment stop and say No I have had enough.I am happy as i am right now.I have found everything i ever wanted and everything i was looking for then what would happen to you.I personally believe that you would cease to exist.You no longer would belong to this world.You can in many ways become one with the supreme one.You leave all the riches here,everything you have ever gained to gain the biggest prize of them all.But we don't want that do we?We want to live in this world as it is here we have always belonged.Who has seen heaven?Nobody alive i can say.We live all our life in this materialistic world and here is where we die.So why should we want the riches of some other world.
Answer is very simple if you believe me.It's simply because nobody living in this world is happy with his or her existence.They are looking for ways to get out of the mess they are in.And only the riches of that other world supposedly can provide them with the exit.That's the view generally held by many.I for a change am a part of the crowd here.I agree with this point of view because for me its only in the holy aode can you really be content for once and for all in your everlasting life.No more running,no more hunting.This is the ultimate peace you can get and the only thing worth living for,worth dying for:)

What I've Done

2008-02-25T23:19:00.000+05:30

People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange faces come out of the rain when you're srange........................so sang Jim.......
But that is something very true...very very true. Whatever you think of them thy can surprise you at every moment. The expectations thy have of you.the expectations you have of them
Its hard to make every1 arnd u happy no matter wat you do you somehow somewhere put yourself infront and let go of others. This hurts people although you never intended to.
People are strange...they make views very quickly on different topics.What you said what you meant. what you didnt mean and the related stuff.they don't give u a chance to explain urself,forming their opinions and sticking to them no matter what.
I find this aspect very disturbing because for me everyone i care abt should always have a good opinion of me.If by any chance i have left them down then i try my best to let them know whether it was a fault of mine or not and even if it was, why it happened.But like life ppl dnt give u a second chance.for them what's once done is done no turning back.But im nt like tht.I give people chance to say they are sorry and accept their explanations as to why things happened.I am always willing to lend an ear,something i'm always short of when it is my turn.
Expectations.....what does this word mean?what does it include?its always hard to live up to other's expectations is wat every1 says.but is tht really true or is it tht we promise so much to others tht thy strt thnkn more and more of us nd as a consequence thy want us to deliver more everytime?Friendship is one relationship where every1 says tht all u shd ever do is give nvr expect nethng in return..But how cn tht be are we not humans?do we ourselves don't want nethng for ourselves?I believe whoever said tht must have gotten a lot............
Life is beautiful...........people spend time worrying about stuff tht doesn't really matter actually.I know i do it all the time.I tend to live in the past whereas LIFE is now...I keep on telling myself not to sweat the small stuff but still i do.its when heart runs over mind tht such decisions are taken.This is why we feel th pain and hurt when something goes wrong because we are nevr detached frm th worldly possessions.From emotions,greed,want..............But then again if all this goes missing from our lives then wat kind of life would we be living?A dull monotonous life where everyday we would want death to come and take us away.Is that normal?that is a sadistic thought but sadly many of us feel like this a lot of time.
Finally...............the question now arises that is there a cure for all this?Can human suffering be controlled?Can emotions,need and want really exist and still not make us miserable?Can we strike the right balance?If so do we need someone with us to strike that balance or can we handle it on our own?These are some of the many thoughts that crossed my mind today which i have written here and hope to get some answers to.Who answers them for me is still a mystery............................

P.S. - Thoughts might not have been articulated properly so for further clarifications don't contact me.

A Look Back

2008-02-21T23:23:00.000+05:30

Ok its been around a two month break since i last wrote on Christmas. A lot has happened since then in my life. Saw many results come out..for the exams i was preparin.....
A lot of studyin and practise ensued....hardwork is needed.Man i did study i can say that much. But the fact remains was that enough, coz others too would have studied..nt me alone......Wat is it that makes MBA exams so popular and the hysteria around them.People are today mad about doin MBA.It doesn't matter from where they do it.They have to do it.This is how people feel.
Here i atleast think something is missing.So much stress on good management skills has been put that people today don't regard the other skills with same dignity. I mean u cn still be a leader and a team player even if ur nt a manager.But somehow the degree seems to emphasise the opposite.Even the corporates are not willing to give candidates a chance if they are not from a B-school let alone a good B-school.This social structure is putting undue stress on people today.Mnagement today is looked upon as a necessity rather than a want or need.
Why has this developed is not difficult to understand but i won't talk about that.It's disturbing engh tht this exists.Can we imagine wat is this rat race leading to.people are working hard getting higher degrees,working late,stayin away from family,earnong big bucks,splurging them on materialistic things.Things which are ephemeral in their value.Consequently, they get bored with them soon.Big pay packets have given rise to high degree of consumerism.what has this resulted in?Envy among peers/neighbours for sure.I doubt that many are satisfied with the kind of life they are living.Running around here and there.Taking orders from ppl thy dnt respect.Submitting themselves to greed.
why is it so has any one ever stopped to think and consider.If you take a survey the answer would most probably come out a big no.People are too busy to think where their life is headed and why their doin wat thy r doin.Is this wat thy want and if so thn y? just because somebody else has it or is this ur aim in life.if people stop for a while take some rest and take a look back at their lives thy would surely not be very happy.The missed b'day of their loved one.The first steps of ur kid.Ur parents anniversary.Somethings money can't buy says the MasterCard,that definitely includes Time,Love among others.But i would like to focus on time at this point.
Time is the biggest reality.It has brought down the biggest of empires through out history.No one has stood and defeated time.So why do ppl today thnk thy can.Death will come no matter how much advances science can make.So y the fighting and running around.You came alone to this world,and you will go alone.You wont take away nethn.no money,clothes,memories,love..nthn
everything is so superficial yet it is this wat we demand.what we crave for.this is wat has taken away our peace of mind.But its high time ppl do smthn abt it.This life is nt to be wsted.Appreciate it.start by appreciating nature.Ur fellow humans,animals.Find beauty where u cn and learn to appreciate.Take ur mind off grievances instead learn to be happy in small things.That makes a hell of a differnce.develop love in ur dealings.Try to be more happy thn sad.take out time fr urself.think about stuff.let ur mind relax.
Its high time we took a step back and gave A LOOK BACK.

Just a Little Unwell

2007-12-26T09:49:00.000+05:30

Well i know that this is not an original scrip but i can't help it this song is so close to my heart and aptly describes my life so far with very few moments outside the purview of the lyrics here...so here it is UNWELL by MatchBox 20

All day, Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night, Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on, I'm feeling like
I'm headed for aBreakdown, I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me

Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know, I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me, Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow, I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

Where am i headed

2007-12-23T14:58:00.000+05:30

I am a dreamer.Always have been.Starting right from my school years when i dreamt of making it big.I have to admit i dreamed of being famous in school.But never got around to being one.Consoling myself that things would change once i enter college.After all 'HUM HUM HAIN BAKI SAB PAANI KAM HAI'.So passed away the final year of school.
Come college and i was all excited about being truly independent about doing what i wanted to do thru the day rather than sit in a room doing what others wanted me to do.But reality struck the situation wasn't much different.With the result oriented Educational Field in the country how can one expect to sit back and let others run ahead.So came the rat race.attending all classes and running here n thr for the notes.My dream of being famous took many turns and changes first was performing in cultural events which i turned down on my account.You can say i was sy but i wd term it more as a fear of being laughed at.
I admit it thr ws this insecurity tht hass stopped me time n again frm showing my talents/even participating (ok).....but then i though tht if i really want to be famous thn i must get to knw a lot of seniors and tht requires work so i set out tryin my hand at volunteering for Fests n all.
But that too didnt materialise over the next 2 yrs.
Slowly my dream faded away and i accepted the reality tht i wsn't to be the one who every1 knew.I like many others was just anthr guy.Nothin special in me to showoff as it is.my focussed shifted from college to the next level i knew tht i wd have to do wll in job/MBA to get noticed nd took heart in tht.
But let me state here for the record that all my life everything i have done has been for a purpose not for the heck of it.I do things only if thy give me something back in return otherwise not.Call it selfishness but i say its th truth with every1 doing the same thing.im nt ashamed of it.
This is not to say that i dnt help out people.I do as much as i can but it has a hidden reason behind it.I like the good feeling you get when you help people.I like it how i feel having hekped some1 out.
coming back to subject at hand colg got over job began but again i missed out but i guess i cdnt help it thr isnt much to do here to really call urself famous.So i dnt care..But i have a dream tht was structured when i read a line that has been in my head ever since.what i do in life is inconsequential as long as whatever i do makes a difference to even 1 person and when i die i can go peacefully knowing that people would remmember me saying how gr8 a guy he was and not just the ones i knw but also th ones i dnt knw.thts what shd be th true purpose of one's life.I want to leave behind a legacy where people look up to me for anythng they want........................................................................................................................

My Blog

2007-12-11T18:17:00.000+05:30

Well to tell the truth here you will find a lot of things about me, me and me only.Simply because i love to talk and especially about myself.so if you don't wanna read it then i'm sorry i can't help it.But i have to be honest here from the outset i have been totally against the idea of blogging terming it as a waste of time and a useless activity.I have always told people what i think of them to their face and not worried about what they might think of me, as a result i have lost quite a few frnds over the years sm pretty close at tht too.I always thought that if someone was close to me he/she'll understand what i want to say and really know that in all earnest i mean the best for them.But sadly people are not like that.they need to be told only positive things about them i.e. all thy need is someone to make them happy.
No one needs a Devil's Advocate just coz' they can't handle the truth and sadly here is where i come in picture as i am the perfect candidate for the post.so as i result i found myself having lot more fights with frnds thn earlier and hence started keeping my thoughts to myself and not letting people know what i want to say.As a result of which i found myself getting frustrated at small thngs and hitting out at th wrng people at th wrng time.
Tht's when i realised i needed an outlet for my thoughts i need to tell people wat i feel and tht's when the idea of blogging struck me.i have to admit this is personal stuff and today people don't give a damn about it but i need an outlet for my thoughts so i don't care wat thy thnk.So this was how i got around to starting a Blog of my own.Stay tuned for more.........................

The Early Years

2007-12-11T14:26:00.000+05:30

I always had an inclination for writing but never got around to writing nethn tht cd be termed as an effort.first big effort was in Xth class when i wrote a slew of "sher" is wat u'll call them as in "sher - o - shaiyari" ones.it was an effort no doubt nd wat wid the comments i had to handle at the end of it all from everyone around.That's when i decided to give up writin 'em.
But the writer in me refuseed to die.My closest frnd shifted to Chennai when i entered XIth.So began the era of snail mail a hearty exchange of letters between us stretching over 2 yrs.Boy it seems so long back taking it was not the time of E-mails yet.That was a time when i used to write about almost everythng happening in my life.
But tht chngd with e-mails nd all nd we gt anthr mode to communicate.but colg life made me a bit lazy nd the my mind weaned off a bit of writing.But all tht changed in Feb 2004 when due to a very important reason i decided to reinvigorate my writer abilities and started a new phase which continues till date.I began writing poems.Although i won't term as extraordinary or nethng.I am quite humble u c so i cn say thy are at best amateurish with no use of hi-fi words n all just plain simple english and rhyming sentences.
So i can say i'm a writer at heart but the output maynot be too exceptional(sadly).
This was the background of my writing career in short..he he ok i knw it was a pj but still felt good..he he..................