The Most Wonderful Things in Life

So another Valentine has gone by and i am still all alone after 25 years of existence. Some might say that it's all downhill from here, but i say that it's the heart that should stay young and the body will keep up somehow. So hoping for a better future i'm gonna stop thinking about this and reflect on what really makes us happy in this world today. Of all the melodrama and tension in our lives, we do have our moments of happiness. Point is whether we recognize them and give them their due or do we ignore/neglect them altogether. So in this exercise today, i'm going to chronicle what makes me happy (yes i'm not grumpy all the time) and please feel free to add things that i might have missed.
#1: God: I may not be a religious guy but i do think i'm spiritual. I know my faith is strong and i know that god is there for me and the others. All you have to do is stand up and ask for him. My belief is what probably keeps me sane at times. I don't believe in demarcation along religious lines as i feel that there is only one god and rest all that we humans worship are just incarnations of the supreme lord. So spiritual yes... religious no.
#2: Family: Yes i feel happy being around my mom and dad. Though i don't spend a lot of time with them but still they remind me of what i used to be and how much i have changed over the years while they have labored on year after year with the same set of feelings towards me. That in itself feels so good to have with me but still makes me sad that i have let them down by placing other things as more imp in my life than them.
#3: Football: Maybe i'm still not at that level where each Liverpool victory calls for a treat and each defeat calls for mourning but i still love it when they win and it just makes the day a bit sweeter. Plus giving kaif a piece of my mind on the rivalry just adds that spice to the recipe.
#4: Music: It brings together souls or so i have heard. But i do believe that music is an awesome stress buster. There was a time when the first thing i did after logging on to my system was open a music player. But these days i have lost track of it somehow. I don't have it with me when i travel and at times i don't listen to it on my comp even. Maybe my list has just gone old and there aren't a lot of good and new songs out there. But still i would say that music helps me vent out my frustrations in a big way. So again its something that brings a smile to my lips.
#5: Friends: Last but the most important thing in my life. I have valued friendship far more than any of the 4 above mentioned points. I have sacrificed my rest time, my responsibilities, my job almost everything for friendship. I have suffered the scorn of many for my devotion and been hurt too at times by my friends. Nevertheless, i now who i can count on to be there with me in any form possible when i need them and thankfully god has blessed me with the right kind of people to be there for me. When all my chips are down and i don't have anything going for me, i know there will be a voice of support and encouragement which would try its best to cheer me up without even saying so. That's why i continue to support my other friends in their troubles. I have few who are there for me so i want to be one of the few who is there always.
Yes my list comprises of very obvious points and nothing spectacular but that's what my life is - good but nothing spectacular. So bear with me and don't chastise me for being emotional/critical (at times). Hope you enjoyed this another rendition of self discovery. Till next time....HAVE A NICE DAY
P.S. - Please feel free to add what you think makes you happy in life apart from what's already here.

Love is in the Air

The warmth and the heavenly feeling called Love. Yes i am back with another article on a topic that many would say i have really killed out here. But i would beg to differ with them. I have only tried to explain what has been going on with my life in all my past articles. But rest assured this article is not on me. This is about love. A song from the movie Saudagar went like, "ILU..ILU..ye ILU ILU kya hai ye ILU ILU." For the uninitiated, that of course means "I Love You." Well the second week of Feb has always been associated with love and all the emotional and senti feelings that go along with it. It is that time of the year that makes the roses and gifts costly and provides a timely boost to the economy in terms of the gifts being purchased.
Many people look forward to this week all through the year. Either to express their love or to let the person know that how much they care or at times just to say that they are there for them. Of course the tip is towards love. Now i'm not going to venture into why people fall in love and why they do all this as this is something no body can control. What i want to talk about is whether it's all worth it. I mean people go through the ritual/arduous task of selecting gifts and then doing something special for their loved ones for what. Does this week really carry that much importance? If yes, then why? Why is this week so special? Does love demand a special day for you to express it? Does love ask a special method for it to be expressed?
I don't think so. Agreed, you may term me a lazy pig not wanting to do anything for a change. But i still stand by my point that you shouldn't need a specific day to express your love. Every day with your loved one should be special for you and if it is not then you are just not that into the relationship. Love is not about big gifts and big expressions (well it is but not entirely). Love primarily is about the small stuff. The warm snug, the  holding of hands while crossing the road, the shoulder to rest the head, the caring for a pin prick etc. These are the small things that make a relationship strong and you don't need a special week to do all this stuff. Yes gifts are important but you don't have to wait for a week to give them.
And this is not just about Valentine's day, it goes for all the special days that are celebrated. Be it Mother's day, Father's day, Friendship day etc. I don't need some card company to tell me the day to express my love to my loved ones. For me every minute spent with them is special. I think that's what everyone should realize too. Try and make these moments count and you don't have to wait for a special day to say that you care. In fact if I may say so, the card and gift industry might be missing out on a bigger piece of pie here. After all if you declare every day of the year as special then there might just be an increase in the sales owing to the feeling of love being ubiquitous. Yes it might seem strange but best ideas initially seem strange :). So you ask then how do i express my love everyday...three letters...ILU................

3 Mistakes of My Life!!

An article that has been long in the making. Tried so hard to write something but couldn't actually find three noticeable decisions that i really regret in my life. So it was a surprise when suddenly, out of the blue they fell into place. 3 Decisions that i regret to have taken in this short span of 25 years, though most of the decisions were taken by my parents till i reached 15th. So here it goes:

Mistake #1: Choosing Non-Medical in XIth

It would be somewhat wrong to say that i am happy having done engineering. I don't say it is my worst decision but in hindsight it is not one of the best either. My sis told me."You should take commerce." But having seen my bro and sis take Science, i felt it wouldn't suit me to go do something else. So there in all my ignorance of what might lie ahead, i took the plunge. I always wanted to be popular and i lost out on that because of being too uninformed. To state that i was consigned to the unnoticeable bench would be an understatement. I lost out on all chances of popularity. So what did that translate into? Limited contact with good looking girls. Limited chances of lot of people knowing you and of course, minimal chances of getting a girlfriend. Engineering led me away from the happening crowd of Delhi. Thus giving way to becoming honorary member of FOSLA - Frustrated One Sided Lover's Association.

Mistake #2: Letting go of the Golden Opportunity

There she was. Standing 10 feet away on the very first day of college on the bus stand. Her arms clung to her chest. Looking radiant in that bright yellow top. Looking a bit lost and a bit scared with all the attention, comments and looks. To know she lived en route my home and traveled in the same bus should have given me enough confidence to go and talk to her. But surrounded by people who scared the living daylights out of me with their comments, i decided to stay mum. I saw her everyday. I felt i should go talk to her as she looked like somebody who needed a friend. Alas, the low self confidence routine overtook me or rather i should say, overpowered me into submission and i let things pass, trying to build up the courage to go and talk to her. Then one day in pouring rain, i saw her and her friend , who by the way was also hot with another friend of mine. Tragically, my friend used to live near my place. So there she was with him and i being the dumb a*****e lost out on, first getting a girl. Second, becoming popular. Third, having a life. What more could i do to myself to make my life suck even more.

Mistake #3: Company

TCS after giving some nervous moments, recruited me on the very first day of placement results. Along came a company at the fag end of the year. Surely, it was an interesting job, good pay, good take home salary. Possibility of meeting girls in corporate culture, it was quite alluring. Yet it took all of 4 months in the job to remove the screensaver and see the ground reality. From July to Dec, i wanted to switch. But i hung on. My mind told me to see things in future and how this spell would translate into the future. So i decided to stay. I told myself that if MBA clicks then fine, if not then i'll move. I have still to move after 4 long years. Part of the crew, part of the ship...Pirates of the Caribbean. Guess i'm just becoming the same here. Scary vision i must say. Coupled with lack of proper vision. Nice recipe for disaster and thats just what i feel my life has become. An utter failure on all fronts. People thought i won't amount to anything and i used to laugh at them. Guess i have proved them right.

So my first decision led me to college where my second decision consigned me to unnoticeable group which wasn't all that pleasant. Lastly, my decision on the company has clearly shown what an utter disaster my life has turned out to be. No girlfriend, no money, no career. Shot myself in the foot not once, not twice but three times in the past decade. How's that for accuracy? Never miss a chance to make my life hell...............

P.S. - All stories are fictional and bear no resemblance to any person or thing living or dead.

Break Up Saurabh!!!!!

Shankar Mahadevan sang - Wake Up Sid. I would like to hum a different tune though, its Break Up Saurabh. Well I know it doesn't rhyme but who cares. After a long long time I'm happy and I mean I'm truly happy. I feel light as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I have said this before and yet with in couple of weeks i am back to my usual sulking self and i know that many of you reading this article would not believe me when i say that this time there won't be a relapse. But I would like to assure all my well wishers that this time it's for real. I'm ecstatic right now. I feel the same way as i felt after giving IIFT interview. Totally free with not an iota of care in the world. I feel like i have taken a rebirth. There is a lot of positive energy flowing through me right now. And it's all got to do with one person. I won't name her but you guys know who I'm talking about. She finally said no, never ever.

Now you must be thinking that poor chap is going crazy because of grief. In fact many would go crazy. But i am happy because i had allowed myself to be something i wasn't. I was becoming just too much of a grump. Snapping at people for no particular reason. Always feeling down and dejected. Criticizing myself and blaming her for my being in this state and what not. I had become so awful that i had started to hate myself for being such a sadist. Worse part is i was driving her away from my life because of my complaints and negative attitude. This was definitely something i didn't want. We are good friends and i will try my best to be that. But I'm not forecasting anything yet. Although it would be fair to add that my decision also stemmed from the fact that she was developing feelings for someone else. So a combination of a lot of factors has resulted that i am a free bird now or as SAK said in LAK - "Khula Saand".

It would be wrong to say that i didn't see this coming. I had been told to do this by a couple of friends this past week or so but i was apprehensive. I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to admit that i lost. My male ego was dominating me to not accept defeat in any form. There were other signs too. My daily horoscope would once in a week tell me to let go of that relationship. But i never cared. I always fought to try and make this work. I believed that by doing all this i might move her around to saying yes. But there was definitely a part of my that said that if through all these efforts, she did say yes then won't she be making a compromise and settling for something she might not actually want? Where will that leave me then? In a relationship where she is not happy to be with me and i am still unhappy being with her. I didn't want that in my life. Who would? So i knew something or the other must give way. Either she would accept me whole heartedly or reject me sumptuously. And that's what she did.

So here i am standing on the road to nowhere right now. I know it would be tough and that this euphoria might not last long but i also know that with a couple of friends who really care with me by my side i would survive this phase. Hell i have been through worse things before and yet i am still standing, ain't i? I know if she reads this then i might lose what ever relationship i still have. But this is specially for you dear that try and be happy for me knowing that i am moving on from you as you have always wanted and that i am not letting our friendship go. It will remain as strong as ever. You definitely have to believe me on this as there is no other way i can assure you of this. That being said don't think for a moment that i am harboring any ill feelings as i simply can't. So this is me signing off on the first article of 2010 saying goodnight and goodbye to all the readers. Saurabh has left the building...........

Dosti

"Yaron yahi dosti hai...kismat mein jo mili hai"....so sang Junoon. One of my favorite songs with good music and good, meaningful lyrics. And truly friendship is that elixir which keeps the spirit alive. Yes family is there for you every time, even when friends are not there, but you can talk about only so much things with them. I won't discuss the importance of family here as i know that it sure as hell can't be discussed. It can only be felt. But friendship is different. You spend the majority of the waking day with your friends. Lets face it, its the friends that have to deal with our every mood swing of the day and yet try and cope with it somehow and on top of it make us feel comfortable and loved. In short, Friendship is the heart and soul of every human being. So what is it that makes people say 'Friends for Life' or 'Best Friends Forever'?

For that to happen the person must have developed a special place in your life. That's the first and foremost requirement. You must have enough faith in the person to tell him/her all your fears and share all your happiness. You can be rest assured of their being there for you when you need them and vice-versa. They are happy to see you happy and they are sad to see you sad. That's what best friends are made of. They have an uncountable and never ending reserve of support. That some people can actually understand everything that their friends want to say without actually saying it is simply special. That to me is certainly a form of divinity. I have seen many close friendships in my life and for a long time i longed for them to be in my life too and god blessed me with that not once, not twice but thrice. I say that because each time i got separated from my best friend for reasons i had no control over, but did get back together again later on somehow.

I might be wrong here but i feel that close friendship shouldn't have any boundaries. You must be able to say what you want to at any point in time and place and expect the same thing to happen to you too. Friendship is a treasure that increases if you distribute it. You can not hoard it or lock it for yourself. It's always out in the open and for every one to see. If you become too controlling or start dictating too much much, you will stifle it. It needs sunlight and fresh air to survive, much like the sunflower. Of course there are sacrifices to be made and yes you may not feel good about it but that's what friends do. That's why they have the special place in your life.

There is one bond though that is stronger than friendship. It is called LOVE. When you love someone, you'll do anything. You will leave your best friends aside to think about that special someone and do stuff for him/her that you would never have thought yourself capable of doing. You are really lucky if the love of your life is your best friend too. I believe that there can't be anything like having your special someone as your best friend. A person who completely understands you and is there for you and who you know will care for you in more ways than one. You obviously would want to hang on to something so special, wouldn't you?

But lately i have been around a case where, although i have only a faint idea and probably a few wild guesses at best, i can't help feel that love is sometimes so overpowering that you lose the sense of right or wrong. I agree i'm working with peanuts here, but i can't help myself wondering if everything that's going on is correct? I know the person i'm talking about knows what i'm saying and why i'm saying it. I also know that i don't have the leverage to talk about sense in this situation as i don't know a lot, but it sure has helped me fully appreciate the meaning of words Love Is Blind and that love at times can be painful and cruel. It was this madness that love brings that i was talking about when i said that you'll do anything in the name of love.

I'm a bit tired, a bit wired and definitely impatient right now but there is nothing in my hands and all i can do is pray that everything works out for the best. I don't know though what that just might be. All i can say is that "Yaron, Dosti....badi hi haseen hai" so try and keep this alive........

What Do You Want From Me

Ahaa...another month passes by as we draw closer yet again to the end of a great year. Not for me but for a lot many others. US of A had its first black President, Congress won the elections in India, India lost to Pakistan in an ICC event, IIM barrier was breached, broken hand got mended, new and tantalizing friendships were formed (again not by me) and CAT went online. A lot of other things happened too which i don't have the time to talk about. Don't get me wrong this article is not about what all happened during the year and why it happened. I'm not going to chronicle all that. I'll leave that to the media people. Again I'm not here to define the sporting moment of the year or the political/economic moment of the year. This time in many months i know what i am going to write about. Now how is that for a start.

Again I would like to reassure you that this article is not about some melancholic cry for attention or to question the design of nature and the repercussions thereof. I guess we've had enough of that. But there is one thing i have not written about in a long time. Love, that sweet, innocent and spell bounding feeling. The current generation is intoxicated with this wonderful idea which according to Agent Smith is quite insipid. You see couples here, you see couples there. In the parks, on the phone, on instant messaging, they are everywhere. Typing messages in a frenzy, exchanging love notes and giggling that sweet laugh on that small, nonsensical joke they would have hated at other times. All in the name of love. To many it's the elixir of life. They can fight, argue with everyone around them, be it family, friends, colleagues but not with that special someone. At times i feel that the old adage 'Love is Blind' should be altered to 'Love is Retarded'.

Coming back to the topic, i would like to talk about love from a guy's perspective first and if possible from a girl's perspective (of what my crazy mind can throw up) later. A guy looking for some love, roaming around with his group of friends in the hot and spicy market place in Delhi like GK or Khan Market normally goes through the following process - Hey, that chick. Wow, she is awesome. Man i would want someone like her with me. Takes a look at who he is with, dips his head in disgust and moves on. Suddenly he notices somebody with the girl. He says - What the fuck, she is with that as****e. Man she can do so much better. Are eligible bachelors like me dead?? Feeling sorry for himself he finally trudges off the scene. That's what a typical guy does. That's how his love story progresses till he finally through chance, not providence meets somebody who seems interested in him.

It's a dream come true. The best thing that could ever happen in his sorry little existence. I am not so bad after all, he thinks smiling from ear to ear. Then it starts. The late night calls, the giggling, making lovey dovey statements, slight fighting, then degrading himself to say he is sorry although it wasn't his fault to begin with. Wishing for that one compliment of the week even though he might have showered 100's in a single day. Hiding the facts and figures from close friends - I'll tell them once something concrete happens. Trying his hardest to please the sacred one and trying his best not to get her mad with such devotion that would shame IIT/IIM aspirants. The one missed call and you leave everything you are doing to call back. The one message and India-Pakistan match goes for a toss. Soon all the happiness in life becomes tied to the whims of the oh so perfect soul. Allowing the buttons to be pushed at will and random, the same buttons they had defended so valiantly against everyone thus far.

But can there be trouble in paradise? Yes it can and it is a three letter word - JAF, short for Just A Friend. I never thought of you like that. You are my good friend, please don't put me through this. Or in the worst case, I already have a boy friend. I wanted to tell you but was not sure where we were in our friendship. Now that sucks and the all the magical world comes crashing down. Nickelback sang, Burn It To The Ground, and they sang well. Just a little too well for some. But that doesn't mean it's the end. No ways, after all he has waited for so long for this. He will fight and try and make the girl realize that love lies here and not elsewhere. But we all know how that story is going to end, don't we? It is this proverbial hope that keeps the lover boy going, doing things he never dreamed he would do. And thus the story goes on and on and on. Energizer could have a new theme for a campaign.

So that is how a guy typically falls in love and reacts. I know all of you reading this might have felt so for someone or the other if not yourself. After all it's a rarity that the girl actually falls for the guy when he proposes, except if she is in school. But then why do girls end up with the worst guy possible? Hard to say. As a friend of mine put it so beautifully once, 'Commonsense is not so common these days'. Then what is it that girls want? I wish i had the answer, i might be able to solve my problem. I do know a bit though about what girls don't want. They don't want to be questioned. They don't want to be center of a joke (they have every right to make a clown of you in public though). They don't want to be runners up in your life (even though you are JAF and you are never closer to the top of the ladder in their life). They can't be put on hold while you, well you know. But there are some things that the girls should be given credit for. And these are big things for which the guys actually fall in love in the first place. Girls can make your life special. Girls can make your day with sweet nothings. Girls can be very devotional and caring which simply blows your mind away.

Complicated matter is Love. Not easily defined. Not easily explained. Not easily felt. Very intoxicating. Very addictive and yes very very very much RETARDED................

Blank

I don't know what i want to write about. I don't have anything specific in mind. I don't know whether this will be a short article or will I find the matter to make this a long article. 'It's been days, 35 to be precise since i last wrote something. So the need/craving to write has built up a bit but i have been putting that craving down simply because i haven't had the time to write something that i do want to write about. There have been instances which can deem a mention. There have been thoughts that have come to my mind as to what my next article must be all about. But right now i can't seem to allot them any importance. They have become insignificant events that took place sometime ago. All this doesn't mean that i'm going through one of my writer's blocks as i do have some issues that i could write on. But i am choosing not to as i know i won't like it when it's done and sure as heck will make someone quite mad,angry and in the end sad.

So what am i writing about. Should i detail out an event with the flowery vocabulary and build it up as if its a magnum opus rather than a simple (though painful operation)? Or should i detail out what's going on in the trading world with vivid examples and quotes to make the articles impressive to anyone who has an interest in stocks would like and others would only admire the effort and presentation? I can even act as a tour guide and list a lot of touring destinations with photographs pasted and detailed description given of what all can be seen and done in that location. But as by the looks of my write-up you must have guessed by now that i'm not going to do any of that stuff. I could talk a bit about politics and how what is wrong is being glossed over and how the Indian media is not doing it's job and etc. etc. But isn't that being rhetorical? I mean how many times can anyone read that same stuff? It's there everyday in the news and newspapers. I won't be adding a new dimension to the existing flaws and the discussion thereof.

Then again there is the allure of writing about love, life and relationships which my poor hassled readers have gone through time and again. But I am not in the mood right now for that kind of stuff. It's pretty much the story of how my life has shaped up and how and where i am right now. I have no idea what i want in life but i do know a few things i don't want to be and some things i don't want to do. I guess that thinking has finally found base with my writer mind too. I have no idea what i should/want to write about but yes i do have an idea of what i don't want to write about. As you might have guessed i am back to square one now. Not knowing what to write and still filling out words and pages for god knows who. One thing i would like to mention here is that even though i am at 60th article (nearing the years of India's Independence :) ) i don't have any readership. I believe my blog is probably one of the least followed blogs on the internet. It does feel sad to know this but it kind of gives a sick feeling of happiness too that i am creating a record anyhow with this.

People back in US have asked me how it feels like to be back home and what is the first thing that you did and other stuff. To all i have replied the same stuff, that i love the food and i love the feel of my hands on the steering wheel of my car. I missed driving while i was in US and i surely missed my mom's food. This sounded really peculiar to a lot of people in US. A grown man living with parents and i had to explain how that is what Indian culture is mostly about. You are not considered a good kid if you move out and leave your parents behind. I know i am not talking about the whole country but probably a respectable proportion. It feels good to get behind the wheel of the car and drive as fast and as madly as possible. It feels good to be among friends again and it feels good to spend more time on my friend's seat in office than on mine. Of course this comes at a price of having to listen to some or the other nonsense from someone or the other but it's worth it i would say.

Many would say that i haven't enjoyed my stay in US and that i should have done this or that i should have gone here etc. etc. But i know that whatever i have done nobody else would have done and frankly i did what i liked doing. So yes i did feel that it would have been better to have had some company but still overall an adventurous trip. I'm not sure my valiantly trying mind has any more exciting stuff to dish out and i am getting a bit tired too (i know my fitness and concentration levels are the worst in the world). So i'm going to kill this article here, not intending to finish it and hoping that whoever reads it doesn't pluck out his/her hair. Sionara goodbye shabba khair

Fucked Up

Whenever I'm alone i tend to think of what all has happened in my life so far. The good stuff, the not so good and the outright bad stuff. Usually this time of introspection takes me to the bad things that i have seen and how and why they happened. Needless to say I'm not a happy camper after such time. Somehow, somwhere i manage to convince myself of it all being my fault in some inscrutable way. I have always believed that thinking is one of the most important of human activities. That's what makes us unique. But to what things you devote your thinking time ensures what kind of mind set you live with. Constantly fretting over petty stuff and ostracising myself over insignificant things is what i'm best at. I don't think i would be wrong in saying that i am my worst critic.
Although i tend to believe that i am just being humble at these times but reality is that i know they are my shortcomings. There are many reasons why i could consider my life a failure.
Some of them would be social suicide to write here. On the other hand there are reasons where i can think of my life being a success. But me being me can easily assign biased weightage to the negative points to make the situation appear more grim than it actually is. It's not that i want to paint a grumpy oulook to my life. Hell who would want that. Even being a pessimist i'm not sadist. I don't take pleasure in sadness and pain. Infact i'm hurt by other living being's pain as much as i am by my own. Still i time and again recount stuff only to portray myself in the dark and a blot on the existence.
I know this again doesn't make for a happy reading and i don't wish to annoy anyone here by whatever i'm writing. I know that when i am in such a mood i can hardly resist myself from typing what is coming to my mind. I type as the conversation builds up in my mind. That is the reason why at times my writing loses base and becomes incoherent. So i want to apologise in advance to anyone who has wasted his/her time in reading this monologue and gotten disappointed, angry or annoyed at my personal bashing, yet again. But the fact is that i can't help myself. I feel this is onething that right now i have to get out of my system if i want to do something. So if you are bored already you can skip the rest of the article as it won't change its path.
Lately it' has been a constant effort by me to find a meaning or purpose for every action or event happening in my life. There is an inclination to find the why that might be associated with the stuff. For eg. if i'm taking a photograph, the feeling now is to develop a wholistic view of the view I'm trying to capture rather than earlier when all i used to do was snap up the pictures blindly without any focus on getting the frame or the angle right. Thus, photography has developed a meaning to it. So have some other activities in life too. I know i like all this stuff and probably this is what is keeping me happy and sane at times. Left to my own devices i know i would have declared myself medically unfit to remain in this world. But my respect and love for life is much too big to do anything insane. Whatever might be the condition of my mind, i would still love what i have. It's the extra that we all need that makes me sad.
One disturbing thing i have found about myself over the past 4-5 months has been my inability to cast any influence on people around me in my life. Apart from family of course who all might be tied by the ties of blood and who might not have ever thought of anything in this direction. But i can be very much certain of the rest of the people i know. Don't know if its the ideas that i put forward, the way i talk, the way i present myself or what not but i am not taken seriously by anyone around me. I love giving advice and in general try to help out anyone and everyone who might need a bit of help (big or small, doesn't matter). So there i am thinking that i might be helping the other guy out but infact i might just not be needed in the first place.
I don't know what i expect from others and how do i want them to react to me being there in their life. My mind is not so developed to fully comprehend this. So i spend days thinking of something or the other to try and understand this quandry. Life can take a turn for the better or worse in a matter of seconds. It's another matter that my happiness and sorrow is only partially tied to my activities. Why i am not free of all the tensions in my life i don't know. I accept i can never be truly free but yes the magnitude of the tension should atleast come down. I havetime and again asked for a ray of light in my life. To show me the way to move forward in a direction both helpful and conducive to my life. But i have yet to find this light.
Why i exist is also not very clear to me. Why am i here? It can't be to sit here, sulk, work, sulk, relax, enjoy and then repeat the cycle. There must be a purpose, a reason. I want that point of higher calling where i can truly understand myself and the reason of my existence, which if you look at right now is useless. Not many would miss me (outside my family) if i'm no longer there. I know that is the saddest thing i could have written but seeing the mood i am in right now, i would say it is an undersatement. I don't think i can add anything new to this article apart from what i have written till now. Besides my mind is more fucked up than when i started to write an hour or so ago. So i guess i'll try and get some sleep and rest my mind a bit so that i can remove all this negativities from my mind.
My apologies to people who have received this without wishing to. I'll probably erase my mailing list for my next article. Till then take care and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!

Brookfield, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA

Ever since I joined Pentair Water after college, I have been working for one business unit only, Fleck controls dealing in water softeners and located at Brookfield. Pentair at that time had a policy of continuously sending out people from India to the States so that they could get better training and feel of the products they are making. So it was a surprise that I hadn't managed to go for so long. But finally both my and my company's timing matched and here I was flying solo to US (which can be a pain in a**) to an unknown land amongst unknown people. For the uninitiated, there are few things about me that are not so popular. I hate doing almost anything alone. I can't eat, roam around, shop or even go to the movies alone. So for me to travel to an unknown country for 6 weeks was certainly a big challenge. Second, unlike many people I know (believe me the count is big), I don't have a fixation with US and coming and working here. Europe yes maybe not US per se.

My only reason for wanting this is to add something to my CV because Indian firms and colleges give weightage to any kind of foreign exposure. Don't know where this notion got set in but yeah it exists now. Having said all that, I have been here for the last 18 days or so. Now I don't think I'll start recounting how my days are being spent here and what all I am doing as first I don't think I want to do that and second, i don't think anyone wants to read that either. For those of you who want to know, i know a phrase which will help you a lot, "Pictures say a thousand words." So just grab them either on picasa or orkut. Anyways, this brings me to the point as to then why am i writing this article in the first place. People generally write something when they want to recount something. Talk about some stuff or explain some event etc. I am not doing either. So why am i writing this?

For starters, i feel i have this obligation both to this blog and in part to myself to write after a protracted interval. This blog certainly has helped me a lot over the last 2 years now. Been with me and provided me with an avenue to vent out my frustration and pain. So now when I'm seemingly normal, leaving behind such a friend (metaphorically) doesn't feel nice. Also, the fact that i am not doing justice to myself by ignoring writing gets to me a bit too. I have been writing all kinds of stuff from the time i was in 8th or 9th. Although it is a common hobby among people but for me writing has always been personal and i have always remained attached to whatever i write. It still feels good to rake up the old pages and read what i had written earlier. So one of the major reasons I'm writing this article is because i just want to write something. Although i am giving care to not take this article to incoherent levels and talk something meaningful.
A few things I have done while i have been here have been fantastic though and i believe i can talk about them a little. After all it's not everyday that you get to do fishing and catch a fish and do some woodwork and create something beautiful out of the wood or have a swing at the golf club. All these were made possible by my boss here and i think i can never thank him enough for the wonderful time i had at his house in the country. Now for me these are really exotic arts - fishing,carpentry,golfing those are leisure activities and being in India, you need both time and money to be able to be a part of something like this. I know these may not sound interesting to many, in fact all the persons i have told this to have not been too enthused. Different people, different likings, different priorities.
For me, i generally don't prefer the traditional activities people like to do when they visit a place, that is in terms of sight seeing. After all what can you see actually in a concrete jungle that you can't get to see in Delhi? I know architecturally i might find some better stuff, but still its a concrete jungle, right?That being said, I'm not saying that i don't like to see such stuff but just that I'm not as excited as others might be. Being a nature lover, i love being out there with mother nature, exploring stuff and clicking photographs. Give me nature over concrete jungle any day. I won't say I'm not happy being here or excited for that matter as that would be lying as though i don't like to say this but yeah i like the place. Clean and beautiful with such wide roads. Why US, the fourth/fifth largest country area wise has only .5% of world's population i will never quite understand yet it produces 20% of world's pollution. Amazing isn't it. Coming back to topic, right now i would say that I'm doing ok. i mean I'm not in a bad position. I do miss people back home but i have not yet gotten bored with the city yet. Knowing me that is a surprise. Well let's see how i end up as when October ends and then i would be better able to evaluate my stay :)

From Heaven to Hell

It has been some time since i last wrote something on this page. Frankly, i have not missed writing as i thought i would if i didn't get to write. Problem is i was falling into an inertia. I really had nothing to write or talk about. After all no one would care for another self deprecating article from my side nor would anyone like another article on world stories and personal tragedies. In sum, i was basically being redundant with some excitement missing in my life. I had a few moments of fun spread sporadically over the period, including the Pentair Football League where i was on the losing side in the finals that too in a shoot out. The pain of that defeat took almost a week to get over. After all i live and breathe football. The most exciting and wonderful game in the whole world. So losing out on penalties in the final after having dominated the league and been the best team was very hard to digest. No onder i didnt move the whole weekend. It was hurting like hell was another issue.

The second moment was the farewell that we gave to Kutty, the player. None of us can forget those inncent words, when having spent time miserably at the pool parlour and getting in the car to go home, Kutty perks up and asks innocently, "Ab hum kahan ja rahe hain?" Those words have remained and will remain along with the timeless, "Bhaiya pit rahe hain" and ofcourse, "Bhaiya ne khoon kar diya." So kutty has moved on leaving behind memories and a great farewell night. Probably the best I hav ever had while in Pentair. The sad thing is, when i leave i don't suppose there will be any one left to give me a farewell, like we have done for so many others.

So barring the occassional excitement that was generated by the not so hot Alka Yagnik look alike working as a trainee in our office, my life had few other points of entertainment during these past two months. So basically there wasn't an incentive for me to write. But somehow circumstances change and time presents you with opportunities that you either love or hate. To be fair life shows you both sides of the coin to give you a reality check as to who the boss really is. Saturday, 5th September 2009, is officially the best day of my life, no questions asked. It is the happiest day in my life so far and i guess will ci ntinue to be for a long time to come. I was happy, elated and prancing around with joy until the clock struck 11 PM on monday. That was you can say the worst day of my life. So i moved from being the happiest ever to being the saddest ever with in 2 days.

This sudden transition was so quick and so unsettling that it took me a full day just to get back to normal. And all through the day, i was cursing, crying, more cursing and sarcastic to the extent that i had nothing left in me at the end of the day. It was a roller coster ride which finally gave way to relief yesterday and since then i have been normal. I won't say i'm elated as that could again land me in trouble. Point is that its not the first time i have gone through this viciuos cycle. Many times in the past, i have crash landed from the skies after being a little too happy. Guess the lord doesn't like me being out of control when i'm happy or he knows that i might do things i would not want to while being happy and so to keep me in check throws these balls of fire to burn a hole in the unbrittled excitement.

So finally, problem is solved and i can do both the things i wanted to which basically means i'm flying out to US in the next week on an official trip. Although i'm going alone yet i'm very excited as not only it offers a world of opportunities but also it would be fun to get out of the mundane routine that has set in my life. So in essence, eagerly looking forward to the 16th when i'll be flying out leaving behind people i'm surely going to miss. So a new chapter gets added to my life which i have to wait and see how it will pan out. After a few weeks of tension and concentration a nice little break will surely help. In the meantime i might just try and figure out the one mystery of my life that i have never been able to answer, "Why the hell am i single?"

Not an Ordinary week

Another week has gone by. Another somewhat exciting somewhat sad week. Coming into july i knew i'll surely be in for a treat as Hollywood lined up some of its major summer blockbusters within week of each other. From Angels & Demons to Wolverine to T4 to Ice Age3 to Transformers2 and last but not he least by a long shot - Harry Potter and the half blood prince. Phew!!! 6 films in 6 weeks and i have been able to watch only 3 as yet. It sarted last weekend. Had planned to see transformers2 on the second day of its release at one of the coveted halls (i've heard its good but never watched any movie there), Wave cinemas. Banking on a little bit of imagination one can assume to get current tickets considering the hall was empty only a day ago. So there I was standing in line in the heat (Delhi has been way too hot this summer), waiting for my turn and voila i reach the counter only to learn to my shock - HOUSE FULL. I couldn't actually believe my eyes. A hall which was empty a day ago was suddenly filled. Never had i imagined this to happen. Maybe I took it a bit easy and maybe my instincts were all wrong. Well whatever be the case, i was standing in the heat with no fucking tickets.

My friend arrived on the scene and i sure enough heard an ear full of being too complacent. But I being me, couldn't give up so easily now, could I? So the search began for a newspaper to get the name of other halls. Soon we were able to get seats in Satyam, Janakpuri. Too my great regret i had to break my promise to myself to avoid Satyam in future at all costs. But these were desparate times and hence called for desparate measures. So off we went in a hurry to secure the tickets lest we loose them again. Thankfully we were in luck this time. I had missed out on watching the first movie on hall, so naturally couldn't afford to make the same mistake again. Sure enough it was a huge treat. Agreed the movie didnt give scope for acting and was out and out an action film, but what great action it was. The Dog falling from sky into the ocean and racing on water and land and jumping over fences and then disintegrating to enter the chamber, it was simply amazing. The sequel really took the movie to another level. No wonder it had the second highest opening in US Box Office history. A wonderful movie no doubt. And sunday brought Angels & Demons, though on my lappi. And although i had read the book earlier still i wasn't able to understand parts of it.

So a somewhat mixed weekeend brought a tumultous week emotionally and i was left wondering what happened all of a sudden. But to take my mind off it and to give my Best Friend of all times a good farewell (joining IIT - KGP) I decided to spend the friday evening watching the latest flick on display - Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Again i have never watched any Harry Potter movie on hall and i wasn't very impressed with 3 out of 5 movies that have been released so i was a bit skeptical about it. My interest in Harry Potter series grew only after I saw the tremendous action scenes of Harry Potter IV. But no. V was a big disppointment and no. VI was a bit of disappointment. Sure enough story wise it was a big revelation. Lot of things were revealed, but sadly no action sequences. No fights between the two sworn enemies. How can that be? That really upset the mood a bit, but gave a new determination to finish the VIIth book. The story had engrossed me so much. Thus the second weekend was spent reading book no VII.

I have to admit, book was good. I say this because i have never been a fan of Harry Potter series as such. For me the best book has always been LOTR and its movie adaptations were really mind blowing. All those wonderful fight sequences with comedy and tragedy mixed were a treat to watch with wonderful directorial skills. And probably this is where Harry Potter movie series lacks, direction. Peter Jackson is a wonderful director but i don't think same can be said for Harry Potter's director (I don't even know his name). But the book is good i must concede that, though LOTR wins the race by a long shot. I hadn't though expected Harry Potter to be such. But after having spent some 13-14 hours a new sinking feeling developed. The feeling that it is over.

There won't be any more Harry Potter series. The same feeling i had when I watched Matrix Revolutions, LOTR - Return of King, Bourne Ultimatum and of course, Pirates of the Carribean - At World's End. There won't be another version of these series and this created an emptiness, what's next? Guess i'll have to live with it. Look for some other series probably. But whenever these series end they do leave you a bit sad as you won't see the same characters again. So herre i am at the end of Harry Potter series too and i'm feeling a bit sad. But i do remmember though that i still have 3 movies left in the pipeline and they wil take some time to finish and thus i do have something to look forward to which is a good thing, right?

What to do?

Only a week or so ago i was wondering, thinking to myself, hey I haven't written a sad article for quite some time. I was missing the darkness, the sombreness that is normally associated with my sad articles. The usual monologue cribbing and whining about what all is wrong with this pathetic little non existence called my life. The heavy overdose of self criticism and the outpouring of unusual grief as to why nothing is what i want it to be in my life. The kind of article that makes the intestines of all those who read it, twist and writhe in pain and agony over the mundane and sadistic article. Yes i have been criticised time and again for all the sad articles i have written and even yelled at by few, but i know deep inside this black heart of mine that whatever comes out is how i feel at that moment. At that particular point in time and space I'mfeeling cringy and aggravated enough to spew out the venom from inside my body and soul in the form of an article.

I have also time and again doubted my skills as a writer and time and again been told to not think about it, but me being me can't do that. So again and again i spend my time analyzing and criticizing myself over what i have written using none of the flashy vocabulary and wonderful imagination that i have seen others display so effortlessly. I know i can't write that way as one i don't have a good vocab and second my mind which in itself is a topsy turvy landscape doesn't let a thought process run its full course. So at times what i usually end up with, is only a shadow of what i wanted to write with the most ineffective use of the millions of words present in the English dialect.

Which brings me to the point as to why i am writing this article in the first place. Today i am having that sinking feeling again. I am feeling nauseated and crushed as if wind has been knocked right out of lungs. I have that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach which no antibiotic (probably not the right word but what the heck) can cure. I know people know me inside out and they'll understand what i want to say and to whom it is directed. I don't mean to cast any aspersions and i don't blame anyone for how I'm feeling right now as it has to do with me. As far as i see i am one of the chief reasons for all this bickering that currently goes on in my life. Never trying to look at positive things and instead always complaining and demanding, i take myself through all this again and again.

But every cloud has a silver lining, so they say and i think i have one too. I have the inordinate capacity to assimilate all inside me. I have the ability to take it all, dish out some and soon forget all about it. Take now for instance. I was sad and cribby some time ago and that got me writing this article, but now I'm not cribby. Yes a tinge of sadness does remain, but that too will soon wash away. I can take it in my stride and move forward. But the problem is, to where? I might be easy to forgive and difficult to forget but where does that leave me. It leaves me standing at the intersection again, walking the same path i had treaded some time ago and on which i had cursed myself to never walk again. But alas, me being me won't have any of it. All my giant ego which has burned quite a few relations and hurt a few others always abandons me at the right moment.

After all what has this ego ever brought me? Nothing important as far as i remember. In fact it has been the reason for many of my pain filled days. Yet i have clung on to it in the name of self esteem, clamoring after its non-existent virtues. What good is my ego then? One answer that does come to my mind is that it prevents me from any major pain that i might have to go through later on in life. That seems logical doesn't it? To prevent myself from a great amount of pain i willingly take on small amount of pain and miss out on small amount of happiness as well. Logic doesn't run in the family though I'm running after that too. All in all this was a good experience i would say, for me at least in as much that i got hold of myself a bit and am not in a foul mood anymore. So should i be feeling happy now? Guess I'll have to wait for something else to happen in order to answer that......

RIP - Michael Jackson

Of what's been a tumultous week for me, I have seen my idol at one point of time in life die a death i wouldn't wish for my enemies. Alone and emaciated to the bone with CPR breaking the ribs. I have grown up listening to Michael Jackson, Backstreet Boys, Ace of Base, Metallica etc. and it sure hurts to hear something bad about these people. I know how sad i was when i heard that Creed as a band were breaking up, i loved their music. Then to hear the shocking news of MJ's death has not been easy. He lived a life full of controversies and negative stories but there is one thing his detractors can't take away from him is his music. The hope that music brought to the millions, the rythm of the beats, the shrieks, the dance moves, the attire everything was electric. Truly a legend lived amongst us and all we did was wilify him for all the good things he had given us. Music knows no boundaries, so they say but i guess that only came about after MJ hit the scene. The first black man so successful on the world stage and like every other superstar, Morrisson, Elvis, Cobain...he too died a lonely death again to drugs.

Many won't buy my eulogy to the King as to them the unproved paedophile tag is too much to digest. But i don't care...i loved him for his music and what he has given us. one could see so many people try the moon walk that one might forget who started it all. But there was one and only one who perfected it with ease. Those steps made people go wild and crazy and i as a child watching intently on TV seeing that move was left amazed. Till this day i try to copy it, to see if i can make something out of it but i can't. But the music was what made MJ special. The passion that he brought to the music can't be seen everywhere. The feelings with which he sang and the emotions. Everything was memorable. Agreed i never did understand the lyrics and i had to search for them to try and understand but still the characteristic shrieks were what i tried to copy whenever a Jackson song came on TV.

If you have seen any MJ video you must have seen a very common attire. An undershirt and a shirt open or tied at the waist. Coupled with it the three fourths or the super short trousers. a person not knowing MJ would think it is a comedy show but that's just what MJ brought to the stage - a difference. Who says you have to be bare chested or all dressed up or even in casuals. Mj had his own style just like his voice, his personality. He was a wonderful dancer no doubt about it and like his predecessor (Elvis - The King of Rock n Roll) he too had his own collection of sequined suits that adorned the stage in all his world performances. Guess that's what you have to wear if you are called The King. It can be said without a shadow of a doubt that it was MJ who put the P into pop music. The King of Pop stole millions of hearts and left another million broken on his sudden demise. Coming on the back of the news of his world tour, it really is heartbreaking.

The improper use of drugs prescribed by doctors no better than quacks have claimed a person, so loved all across the globe. If nothing else, MJ gave a ray of hope to the millions of black people in America that with some hard work they too can succeed and the results are there to see. The whole of NBA roaster - all the teams have hardly any white players. Almost all are black. It hurts to think about his death. It hurts to know he won't be around anymore. But there is a pleasant note attached here that maybe his troubles on earth are finally over and he can actually rest in peace in the heavens above in the Hall of Music. Goodbye MJ....we will surely Remmember The Time when we try to Heal The World but i do want to ask you, Will You Be There??????

Whoa!!!!!

Ever since i gave my IIFT interview this year in Feb, I have been on a roller coaster ride. I have started living the life that i had always craved yet never gotten around to living it. I have managed to make a few trips to destinations i never thought i could, would go. I have managed to go out with friends, some of whom i have known for long but happened to meet only now. I have even managed to do some creative stuff. In all i am beginning to feel like a man who is enjoying his life (away from office i.e.). I have been to new places to hangout in saadi Dilli where i had never gone before. I have tasted new cuisines and drunk new stuff. All in all i have done quite a bit over the last couple of months. Still i would say that something is missing. I'm still not fully satisfied.

To change this whole scenario and add that extra bit of spice to the recipe, i did what i had been planning to do for so long. I made up a plan to go watch a PLAY. Yes, to stoke my cultural buds and develop a new hobby. It was no ordinary play, but an attempt to present all of Shakespeare's works - plays, sonnets etc. in a single show. For the record, Shakespeare had written 37 plays. Clubbing 37 plays into 1 show should have been real serious stuff. But kudos to the cast and the director and the script writer, they pulled it off magnificently. It was so hilarious that me and my friend were literally jumping out of our seats. Holding our stomachs with the laughter. They, both praised and ridiculed Shakespeare with equal elan. A wonderful presentation of the characters, with great emphasis on keeping everything within the modern context and timeframe. Keeping in tune with the script, the cast made good use of the audience as well to add to the hilarity.

One would think that Comic plays from Shakespeare can be accepted but how could the cast put humour in tragedies like Hamlet, Othello, Romeo and Juliet etc. Well taking a line from the dialogues delivered, "Why did Shakepeare write 16 comedies (out of 37)? They are all the same. We should do only tragedies, they are so much fun." And fun they were. A total satirical version of the plays where they ridiculed every character and yet weren't dispectful to THE BARD, it was really an enterprising display. The love of Romeo and the shrieks of Juliet on seeing her beloved dead were so comic that one could hardly keep himself from laughing out loud. The characters of Othello, constantly changing from a man to a woman and back to a man to meet the crew shortage (or to make it more hilarious), were also magnicifent.

To top it all off and present the cherry on a wonderful, delicious cake was the presentation of Hamlet. Ophelia going mad and rowning after being rejected by Hamlet, the queen drinking the poisoned wine, Hamlet and his uncle killing each other...everything was so electric and so entertaining. But the bes was yet to come. As soon as Hamlet ended they did an encore for the audience only to present it in a faster version. Very innovative and very classy. But the best was yet to come. After the encore they did another encore. This time the fastest of the lot. It was so hilarious to see the three crew members rush onto stage yelling dialogues and completing their as soon as they reached the centre and falling down dead to signal the end. It was really really amazing. They did a reverse version for it too where they acted all the scenes (quickly) in the reverse. From Hamlet killing his uncle to Ophelia getting drowned, to seeing the ghost of this dead father. All in sync without mistakes.

A wonderful evening spent with no qualms and complaints from any quarter. It was really a very special night as it opened up a totally new avenue for me to explore. Something that i have longed to do for so long. Finally the dream was fulfilled. To make the matters even more interesting was the fact that the crowd was also amazing. A typical Page 3 crowd or so it seemed. Beautiful women in beautiful dresses. Smart men, and no kids. There wasn't an empty corner in the auditorium. The auditorium too was in one of favourite places in Delhi, Indian Habitat Centre. Don't know why but whenever i get anywhere near IHC, i simply go ga-ga over it. So it was a double header for me to go to IHC to watch the play. This has ignited in me a spark to pursue more such activities, so that i can say that i am living a life after all............

Here We Go One More Time.....

So much has happened over the past month or so that i was overwhelmed even at the thought of writing about it. The magnificent election results where although the party i despise most - Congress went on to win, but it won handsomely. The feeling that the people have voted for a strong and stable government is simply amzing. Finally i agree with Rajdeep Sardesai about the Indian voter finally coming of age. Guess it must have been my inexperience that led me to believe otherwise earlier but now i'm really happy that the country has a solid foundation and can/should step up the much needed reforms. Agreed had BJP come to power there wouldn't have been stark differences in the policies being followed. After all each political party works in the same way. So it's good that we can look up to some non Left rule for 5 years now.

Second important thing in this sad instance of mine called life has been the departing of two of my closest friends in recent times. Both finally headed to Kolkata. Away from the mindless bullshit that we have to face everyday. I'm glad that they are going, pursuing their dreams. But it feels sad to let them go. What will i do without them. Who will talk with about stocks and the markets. Who will i joust with and make fun of. Whose login everyday will i look forward to from now on. Yes i'm losing two of my most prized assets :) but i wish i was going with them. God knows when we'll meet next. When we would sit together and enjoy the time like we do now.

I had hoped of writing two separate articles for these incidents but the mere thought of writing about them made me so much unsure of myself that i couldn't bring myself to write anything. It was like i had slipped into my now recurring zone of aversion where in i hate the very thought of writing. I started to write something else but couldn't take it through. Coupled with the laziness that has seeped in to my routine i have barely managed to write something right now. I also wanted to write about the comments i got on my last article. I was told that how i needn't be a world calss writer and that is surely not accepted of me, so i should stop criticising myself and think positively and write pleasant things. I was also told to do add spice to my articles, make them more interesting. To make them acceptable to a larger audience. And if possible take it along a different route altogether and try something new and creative. Something that would make people really look up to my next blog.

Guess i would have been able to do that had i had a wonderful imagination and in some sense a positive outlook to life. I'm constantly berating myself for a tiny or major fault. There's a unknown complusion of trying to be the best and leave no stone unturned in my stride, just because i know that because of my poor observation, i would leave hundreds behind. There's this fear of failure and not living upto a certain set standards by god knows who and in the process constantly overevaluating myself. I agree i have a pessimistic outlook to life which somehow had changed to optimistic outlook a couple of months ago. But events have made me change myself again. I nhave time and again asked myself, how should i let go of this dark nature of mine. How in the world souuld i write, think, act in a positive manner but have come to nought each time. What can i do is something i have no answer to.

I know that this article of mine will again cause a lot of peevishness at me from my friends, but i neededc an outlet for all the bullshit that was developing inside me. I need an outlet where i could scream at myself or anybody else, just because things didn't quite work out the way i imagined them to. It would be harsh to say that i have lost hope, but yes my faith in hope has been dented seriously. Lack of oppurtunities and luck has certainly made me take a different look at hope. Luck has never been on my side and when it has, it has come with a rider. So the two things people cling on to all their lives have deserted me quite early. But i'm not scared of that. I believe in myself and i know that with luck or without it, i will surely make it where i want to someday. Too ambitious, maybe, but if i don't think this way then i might not amount to anything in life. I have faith in myself and i know that someday i'll be the person everybody would be talking about.....God bless us all.....................

No. 50 - The Journey so far

This day, right now I'm writing my 50th article on this blog. My first ever attmpt at seriously writing about stuff that i would love to talk about with someone. Suffering from a perennial lack of people to share my views with, i was always filled with all the thoughts for which i never had an outlet. Probably that's why i used to talk to myself a lot. That is why i guess writing comes naturally to me. I know i'm not a great writer and all the stuff that i write is hardly entertaining let alone interesting at times but this much is true that whatever i write comes straight fro m the heart and the mind. There has not been an iota of fakeness in my writing ever. That some might say is just lack of imagination and yes i don't have anything to defend myself with on that. But still i believe that whatever i have written so far is genuine and my actual thoughts and feelings and hence holds sntimental value.

As the description on the top of this page shows i am quite choosy about topics that i write about and hence going through the last 49 articles you won't find a lot of variation in the topics that i have written on. Movies, politics, love & pain, self introspection and probably a few here and there, that's my total list of articles. I don't write flowery sentences. The ones that show off your vocabulary. I don't write enterprising articles depicting tales of some events that never really happened. I don't write about people's point of views. What i do write is about me, my thoughts, my feelings. Guess you can say i am a self centered pig but what can i do i love myself. The fact is that i can't write about how other people might think and react to a situation because if i'm writing about something that simply means i am interested in tallking about it and that leaves me the only candidate whose voice my mind is ready to listen.

I know like the other articles this one too is going to land up in a heap of mass , unread and unappreciated by many. After all there is nothing exciting about it. A no. 50 article should have been special, right? Actually, no. I don't need special numbers to get myself talking or doing stuff. I don't need a date to tell me that i should go tell my mom that i love her. I don't need a date to go and express my love to my special someone. I don't need a no. to write a fantastic article. So like the rest this one too has a bit of introspection built into it. A bit of self criticism and a bit of cynisicsm too. I know when i started out on this blog i wasn't very sure how far this was going to last. It just happened that i hated the idea of blogs to begin with. But now, 1.5 years down the line i feel like this was the best decision that i had ever taken. I don't care if my articles are read only by those whom i mail the content and that outside those 10 people there is hardly any visitor on my blog but that is not a dampener.

Agreed it kind of hurts not being so popular as a blogger after all who wouldn't want a little bit of appreciation. But i know that i am not writing this blog for people's pleasures. It's a gateway for me to at times let out my frustration without harming anyone and at times talk about stuff that i really want to express my thoughts on. This is more or less my online diary and i guess it's fine if it ain't read by many as it leaves it a tad personal. In Dec 2007 when i started this blog it was my way of getting back at people who had hurt me without going up to them to let them know that i was being hurt. Slowly, the feelings faded away and i started writing about stuff that i wanted to talk about. Slowly my interest started increasing and consequently a lot of what was going on my mind came out in the form of words on a page. Looking back now i feel that it has helped me in more ways than one. It has helped me keep myself sane in the time of struggles and heartaches and at the same time helped me improve my writing and to some extent my usage off english language. 

I know i am still far off from being a true artist, i am a novice i would say and would continue to be so for a long time to come. But yes, my writing has given me a renewed sense of confidence and belief in myself, something i was surely lacking when i first started out. Today i come across many people who have writing as a hobby/interest and i hear their efforts and it hurts to know that i am somehow not in that league yet. But i guess, i have never truly tried hard to be in that league. I have continued writing in my own, mundane style week in and week out. I am not a show man but i do want to believe that i am a craftsman. I am polishing an honing the writer in me so that someday it can reach heights that i only dream of right now. I know i am trend setter. After all i have made four of my friends start writing about their feelings but i won't call them bloggers yet. They don't have the zeal yet though Zoo Zoo is showing some signs. I though am a bit surprised. Over the years my weakness has been my quick loss of interest in things. But blogging somehow has managed to survive for a long time.

I don't know if i should call this blogging or not. Like i said this is more of an online diary and since i don't go and read other people's blogs apart from those my friends write and send across, i think it wouldn't be right. But again since this is a web log, blog seems the natural adjective. I was once told to write in a way that leaves the reader searching for more. A gripping tale or narrative that makes you go on reading no matter how long it is. You should be able to make the reader commit to you. And in the end he must be left awestruck (or at least near enough). But till date that has not happened with me. My writing style is such that i can't put in the spice. I love the writing style that i was told to adopt i know, but i guess somewhere inside me i am just a bit lazy to make that extra effort. I know i should sign off now as i have blabbered on for long and nothing important has come about and ofcourse this will only further dip the IRP's of the blog, so i am saying goodnight to the owls and to those burning the midnight oil for god knows what reason....

The Great Indian Democracy

Three more days and the elections to elect the ruling government for the world's largest democracy comes to an end. Three more days for the elephant to dance. After a long and tiring journey spanning almost 5 weeks spread over 5 phases, the voters will have voted and the fate of god knows thousands of candidates will be sealed. The begging from the voters comes to an end and so does the constant ranting against opponents. The mud slinging and the promises all are now over. The manifestos strewn across the face of the land as the billions of rupees spent on this behemoth find their way into somebody's pockets. Three more days and the noise of the loudspeakers and the blaring of horns and loud music on the roads as well as the radio comes to an end. The use of electronic media was well as the radio and the internet by the 'national parties' was commendable. The parties pulled out all stops to make themselves visible to the public.

Sure enough this was a special time for many first time voters. After all you get to vote for the country once every 5 years only. Many confused souls didn’t know who to support and who to reject. Guess they didn't give a damn about politics. Voting was the in thing and nobody wants to be left out from the acceptable group now do they. Many didn’t vote as they were not in their constituencies. They were away from their homeland. They can go for their excursions into the country side for a weekend getaway but no they can’t take a leave to go out and vote. That is just not that important on their list. After all who cares who gets voted in, it’s of no concern to us, as if what they do somehow means something. Many would agree to this line of thought others would simply shrug their shoulders in saying that they didn’t have their voter id. It’s like they wouldn’t go out to get that clothes and accessories when they need them. But getting a voter id is too much a trouble to take.

God knows how India is running forward with full steam with a lackadaisical govt. slumbering along while the elephant wants the speed much like in a stampede. Everyone is amazed as to how the Indian economy is booming despite the fact that India ranks amongst the lowest in terms of human development and corruption indices. It’s the entrepreneurs who are making the clock tick and if someday they decide to stop the engine will come to a screeching halt. The inefficient governments (no matter which party comes to power) seems to be all at sea when it comes to the crucial questions of security, foreign policy and economy only tend to increase the distrust amongst the voters regarding their candidates. Everybody is fed up of the corruption so deeply ingrained in the political and bureaucratic system ever since Nehru first decided to overlook the demon seed.

Yet the quintessential hope never fails. Every Indian despite the odds believes and dreams of a better future for them and for the country. It’s this hope that keeps on taking them back to the voting booth to try and put in their effort to elect a capable govt. that has the power to do what they had promised during the elections. That is why the elections still manage to generate the hoopla and the excitement both in the lives of public and the media that covers every inch of the activities. Sure enough there are loads of complaints against every government across the country but a point to be kept in mind is that those who don’t/didn’t vote have no right to blame the govt. They were not a part of electing it then they should just shut the bloody hell up and accept what they got.

All this now leads to a totally different arena. The arena of horse trading where every party coming up short must sell their souls and ideas to get the coveted seat in the cabinet. They must try and conjure up the nos. to form the new govt. for which they have worked so hard. So what, if in the process they have to compromise on their ideals, the very thing the public looked at when voting for them. That doesn’t matter at all. The seat of power is what matters as it would guarantee a 5 year period of rule during which they can accumulate masses of wealth and probably stop worrying about a secure future. After all some tens of crores of rupees is not enough to last another 10 years right, because that is what is the future average life expectancy of the politicians today. They need more and much more to fill their coffers. Suck out the blood of the Indian masses, making them work hard and then take away their money to fill their pockets. Gosh that is a very hard thing to do. To do all this in only 5 years is expecting too much.

But rest assured in a weeks time we will know whether the coming of age Indian public has really voted sensibly and chosen the lesser of the two evils or has it as always gone ahead and given the baton to the devil himself so that he can come back and smack you right in the face with it and yet make it feel like he has helped you in some way. A week at max is what will tell the world what India will give them in the form of govt. A week to rejoice and usher in 5 years of mourning………

Death

One Two Three...stand back. Again, one two three...... No we will not give up. Again................ All the time the sirens of the ambulance constantly blaring in the background as the vehicle moves through the traffic to take the victim to the hospital. Luck plays a major role if they manage to get to the hospital on time. But even hen the patient loses his fight against time and all that is left is a one big heap of mass. Loved by many, cherished by some and might even hated by few. But fact is all the feelings come to nought when the angels of darkness come calling, taking away the life given so measurably by the lord.

I admit, my tryst with writing (disregarding my earlier attempts at it when i was in school) began with a poem where i was famously courting death. I did so to make it interesting, to add up the spice. I wasn't serious at all about it when i wrote that, probably because i was only 18 at that point of time. It was more fun oriented than anything else. But over the years, life and time have taught me things that would surely make it imprudent to make fun of death. It's the living reality that all of us know about but surely never admit.

Death can take away people you considered closest, people you loved the most, people you cared for, people you respected, people you wanted to have in your life and some even you never cared for to begin with. But this doesn't mean that you are not bothered by the outcome. You are because you are good souls. You feel the pain when you see the urchins begging, the deformed kids trying to walk with their heads held high, the forces of nature crashing down on helpless individuals, the suffering that is so evident everywhere around us. You see and feel all that. Death has its own way of showing things to people, to make them understand the reality.

I have seen it very closely albeit only 2-3 times. Losing family members everytime and one a very near miss. Sure it hurts like hell. Having the wind sucked out of you in a jiffy. Initially you fall into a pit of disbeleif. How can it be true? There must be some mistake. As if death would have asked you before it came knocking. Although it should have you feel, but that's not how reality transpires, does it? 

Each time i lost somebody, i made up an excuse. It's better they died as the place is no longer worth living. They were facing so many problems. It's better they are far from it now and the likes. I was never troubled by death as such. I had always taken it as part of life and moved on. But it does sting for some time. In my case that time has always been short lived. To this i sometimes feel that i might just be heartless. A heart devoid of any emotions. One who cares only for worldly pleasures and not the real things that matter - emotions. I don't know how i'll be judged in the court of the lord but i am very confused by what i should or should not do in such situations.

Death makes life seem so short. Anything can happen to you at any time. You have zero control over it. Then why the hell are we fighting for that inch of space, salary, land, feelings etc? Why?Why are we running like fools after something that's non existent to begin with?Why are throwing away our lives? Simly because its simpler this way. The hard way of meditation and spiritualism doesn't have the zing and the bling that we crave for always. I know all this is run of the mill stuff and anybody under the sun can write it and yeah probably you have heard all this a million times in your life but what can i do, if something so shocking happens you are bound to feel the aftershocks albeit for a short time (in my case that is).

I guess the strength of character comes up when you face this situation face up and stand up to the demands of emotions always putting up a brave face. That's what character really is. Standing tall in adversity. Not letting situations bog you down and moving forward to defeat the demons of pain. 

I am grieved today by the loss of a person i didn't even knew. I only knew the girl who knew the person. I don't even know the guys full name, yet i am disturbed. The boy meant the world to the girl and the girl is a very good friend of mine. So in this pseudo friendship of sorts, i am grieving. Funny, yes if you want to have a look at the lighter side of it. But it all boils down to what are we here for? When there is nothing in our hands then what are we here for? We can't control where we are born. We can't control how we're born. We can't control how we are going to die. We can't control when we're going to die. Then what are we doing? I am not a spiritual guru and i can't answer that question. But i somehow feel that we are in this world simply to determine what we'll become in the next................ 

P.S. - An ode to you dear, you know i know that you'll pull through this time (you have already begun on that path).

IPL

"It's big, it's going, it's out of the park for a DLF Maximum. Boy that man can hit some pretty big ones. 100 metres the distance it travelled. You're absolutely right my friend, that wasn't a bad ball either. Just goes to show what power this man has and the timing." Something you would have heard a hundred times over the las fortnight. As the second season of IPL currently going on in South Africa moves into the second phase, the cricket buffs across the country and quite possibly the world are not complaining. The excitement of last ball finishes along with the total domination of 100 runs victory, everything keeps you glued to the seat in front of the idiot box for a full 3.5 hrs.

Lalit Modi engineered this mega event last year was a run away success beating competition at the box office by more than a mile (figuratively). This year too after the hiccups the event has got going and brought out some good surprises in terms of the teams leading and lagging behind in the pack. This money crunching machine, pitting individuals of the same national team against each other. Such is the prfessionalism in the players that even while playing against old friends they are thinking of the team's interests first. That or maybe the money that his being doled out is making the choices for them. Eitherway, this mix and match of nationalities and personalities and charactes has surely brought the playing teams closer.

The event commands a world wide audience and is well appreciated in all parts of the cricketing universe making it a true global event next to only the World cup. But among all this craze for cricket and the excitement over the shrtest form of game (so far), there is something else running around hidden from the view. That is the brains and the management of BCCI - Board of Control of Cricket in India. The men behind this gamut of frenzy, the real men who thought up this event. The ones who eked out the details. The guys who brought in the money. Everyone has done a stupendous job to take the game to an all time high level. Agreed T20 attracts more viewership than other forms of the game and thus is bound be more successful/profitable. Still as they say in cricket you have to put away the bad ball to make it count. Same goes for this.

The men shrewd in their planning knew what they were doing and what they wanted. Now that is a sign of good management. People with brains putting them to good use and milking the oppurtunity that presented itself when India won the T20 worldcup. This sort of idea does make you wonder, whether this can be incorporated in some other game or can this be helful elsewhere. Hockey was a step ahead in this when they launched the Hockey Premier League 3 years ago, but low popularity of the sport made the event a non starter. No wonder the national game is in the ruin. Compared to cricket where India hasn't done a lot to make the nation proud, Hockey in the past has brought in huge laurels. Slowly that populartity was lost and predictably the national game had to move aside to lend the centrestage to something else. In this cricket crazy nation (much like football is to England) the day starts and ends with some or the other piece of cricketing action being viewed across the country.

Sure enough it's cricket that is hitting the headlines even as the largest democracy in the world dances to the tunes of election. Political parties crying their hearts out but to no avail as voter turn out remains dismal at 50%. Yet the viewership for the IPL matches remains high enough at around 70%. People having no interest in cricket too find time to watch a few overs but somehow to go out and vote is a big problem for them. Yes elections are for their country this time and not the state or the municipality for that matter (I doubt if people even know that we vote for the municipality too). Even the cinema halls are not running any new releases. IPL has hit every other business hard. Yet no one is complaining. Why should they? It'll be over in another fortnight or so and lives will be back to normal.

People will move on to other cricket matches, movies, studies, jobs etc. and IPL memories might just be lost in all the din. The only thing that will be running about IPL would be the coffers of BCCI with Lalit Modi sitting on a pile of cash and smiling like The Lord Buddha..........

I'm Back - But To What?

Seems like my punchline for the day. Yes i have been going around saying this line over and over again today. Where am i back from - I am back from Srinagar and the valley of Kashmir. A wonderful trip of 6 long days. Gardens, flowers, mountains, snow, horses, mountains, trees, snow. It was all breathtaking. Just too good to say the least. A trip which i sure would never have made myself and was coaxed into only by my sis - the livewire in the family. But it was a wonderful trip nevertheless even with all the security concerns. Just goes to show what some illogical persons can do to a wonderful place. The valleys were awesome, the snow covered mountains too. The majestic view of the Himalayas was by far the best thing i had seen as a nature lover. Predictably we went around clicking shots at very nook and corner much to the annoyance of mom and bro. 

To begin with the gardens of Srinagar are so very beautiful. Too many variety of flowers and fountains running through the centre. Set up in the Mughal era these really make the valley heaven on earth. Then the snow covered rads and mountains of Sonmarg. I had never seen so much ice and snow before. Mountains fully cloaked in a white dress so pure. The sleigh ride down from the mountain top at full speed, bouncing over the edges and the brakes applied making it a fantastic experience. Then came the valley of Pahalgam. Taking the horses to reach the clearance in the midst of the valley. Gulmarg came and along came rain to spoil the fun. Shikara ride on the magnificent dal lake was also an experience to have. 

Bidding adieus to the valley we moved to Patnitop where another chilly day awaited us. Nathu top with the Pir Panjal range on one side and the Himalayas on the other with chiily winds blowing was again breathtaking. Ride to Udhampur and the ride back home on the train was also a great journey. So I'm back home after 6 days of winter break in the midst of summer. Back to our very own Delhi-15. Back to the rigours of office, back to the facilities of phone and internet. Back amongst the group of friends i am soon going to lose. Back to the sweltering heat of Delhi. Back to the same tensions and travails. Back to the same pollution and noise. Back to a lot many things.

But do i want all this? After the experience of a lifetime in the past 6 days. What a wasteful life we must be living in right. Sadly the lifetime experience is too heavy on the pocket to sustain for long. So in the end..running out of options we have to settle for saaddi dilli. I love Delhi make no mistake about it. I have lived here all my life. I love travelling through it everyday. I love the trees and the well maintained roads. I love almost everything about it. But there is also the negative aspect to it. I love being in touch with my phone and internet again. But doesn't that make my life mundane as before - doing the same old tasks. 

Soon my group of 5 - The Famous five some may call us will break up. People moving to greener pastures. My best friend of past 7 years will finally move away. Sure i'm happy he is moving to a great new place but i am also selfishly sad for having to let these guys go. My fun time spoilt and lost by my own deeds nonetheless. I would have loved to join last year itself. This year too would have been great. Guess it might not be written for me. The peaceful nature and the noiselessness of the valley quickly lost on the noise filled streets here. The trip now remains as a part of the memory that is captured in the photographs. 

So taking all this and a few other things in mind i ask again - What am I back to?