Over the past couple of days i have tried long and hard to overcome the pain and grief that has surrounded me for over 2 months now. I have been more like a dead body than a living being this past month and a half. Being sadd all the time, shunning away happyness. Trying to remain reclusive to ponder to think to grieve basically for the monumental losses i hv suffered. I have been a spoilsport on more than one of the occassions. Fact is i never thought that it all would happen like this, that it would end this way. No way left for me to go, nothing left for me to do. It was more like i wanted to remain in this state more than anything else.
Its not that nobody noticed this state of mine. They did, offered help talked to me about the virtues of moving on, leaving everything behind. But i wasn't ready to accept the fact that i have lost it all like in a bet where you put at stake your own soul, much like the pandavas. But the fact is i didnt raise the stakes, they were already dead against in my favour. To win the wager from there was an up hill task, i knew that. What i didnt know was what it would be like to lose everything along with losing the bet.
To begin with i lost the best friend i ever had in life. Guess we both weren't ready to face the reality that our friendship had deteriorated beyond the point of resurrection. A poor attempt i had put in i must admit but it was from my side. Like they say...TALI EK HAATH SE NAI BAJTI i got to know the real meaning of it first hand. People say that you must always give in love and expect very less in return but i think that it is very hard to achieve much like the holy grail that everyone craves for but only a few(if at all) have ever attained. To see your love and affection ignored and avoided like something ugly and sinful can be really painful.
I understand that people have their reasons for doing what they do and i know that I won't dictate their lives and their actions ever but still i would love to have an explanation, a chat, a talk about it. If not for anything else, to just improve myself to make myself a better man. Alas, wish and hope is something i can't afford on this issue.
Another setback i have received is the agonizing knowledge that i have another year to spend before i could again dream of doing what i have dreamt of doing for the past 4 years(mba). Having been among the top 1000 guys who got the calls i couldn't make i to the first 200. The pain of having something you loved so much slip away from your hands with the full knowledge that it will never return to you again is something which is very hard to live by.
But even in these tragic times i've tried my best to keep my mind away from all this . I'm finding ways to take my mind all of this but somehow someday something happens which brings these memories flooding right back. So no matter how hard i try i still am reminded of them. Personally i believe i have moved on from all the sadness that i am much more sober much more normal than i was some 2 weeks back. But the very idea of these memories is enough to bring my life to a standstill like an arrow finding its mark or the bullet hitting the target.
Dramatic it all may sound but all this had to get out in search of a way to maybe get over this period of pain and sadness and maybe just maybe starting over again. Turning a new leaf, begin a new chapter, a different beat maybe................
No comments:
Post a Comment