Whenever I'm alone i tend to think of what all has happened in my life so far. The good stuff, the not so good and the outright bad stuff. Usually this time of introspection takes me to the bad things that i have seen and how and why they happened. Needless to say I'm not a happy camper after such time. Somehow, somwhere i manage to convince myself of it all being my fault in some inscrutable way. I have always believed that thinking is one of the most important of human activities. That's what makes us unique. But to what things you devote your thinking time ensures what kind of mind set you live with. Constantly fretting over petty stuff and ostracising myself over insignificant things is what i'm best at. I don't think i would be wrong in saying that i am my worst critic.
Although i tend to believe that i am just being humble at these times but reality is that i know they are my shortcomings. There are many reasons why i could consider my life a failure.
Some of them would be social suicide to write here. On the other hand there are reasons where i can think of my life being a success. But me being me can easily assign biased weightage to the negative points to make the situation appear more grim than it actually is. It's not that i want to paint a grumpy oulook to my life. Hell who would want that. Even being a pessimist i'm not sadist. I don't take pleasure in sadness and pain. Infact i'm hurt by other living being's pain as much as i am by my own. Still i time and again recount stuff only to portray myself in the dark and a blot on the existence.
I know this again doesn't make for a happy reading and i don't wish to annoy anyone here by whatever i'm writing. I know that when i am in such a mood i can hardly resist myself from typing what is coming to my mind. I type as the conversation builds up in my mind. That is the reason why at times my writing loses base and becomes incoherent. So i want to apologise in advance to anyone who has wasted his/her time in reading this monologue and gotten disappointed, angry or annoyed at my personal bashing, yet again. But the fact is that i can't help myself. I feel this is onething that right now i have to get out of my system if i want to do something. So if you are bored already you can skip the rest of the article as it won't change its path.
Lately it' has been a constant effort by me to find a meaning or purpose for every action or event happening in my life. There is an inclination to find the why that might be associated with the stuff. For eg. if i'm taking a photograph, the feeling now is to develop a wholistic view of the view I'm trying to capture rather than earlier when all i used to do was snap up the pictures blindly without any focus on getting the frame or the angle right. Thus, photography has developed a meaning to it. So have some other activities in life too. I know i like all this stuff and probably this is what is keeping me happy and sane at times. Left to my own devices i know i would have declared myself medically unfit to remain in this world. But my respect and love for life is much too big to do anything insane. Whatever might be the condition of my mind, i would still love what i have. It's the extra that we all need that makes me sad.
One disturbing thing i have found about myself over the past 4-5 months has been my inability to cast any influence on people around me in my life. Apart from family of course who all might be tied by the ties of blood and who might not have ever thought of anything in this direction. But i can be very much certain of the rest of the people i know. Don't know if its the ideas that i put forward, the way i talk, the way i present myself or what not but i am not taken seriously by anyone around me. I love giving advice and in general try to help out anyone and everyone who might need a bit of help (big or small, doesn't matter). So there i am thinking that i might be helping the other guy out but infact i might just not be needed in the first place.
I don't know what i expect from others and how do i want them to react to me being there in their life. My mind is not so developed to fully comprehend this. So i spend days thinking of something or the other to try and understand this quandry. Life can take a turn for the better or worse in a matter of seconds. It's another matter that my happiness and sorrow is only partially tied to my activities. Why i am not free of all the tensions in my life i don't know. I accept i can never be truly free but yes the magnitude of the tension should atleast come down. I havetime and again asked for a ray of light in my life. To show me the way to move forward in a direction both helpful and conducive to my life. But i have yet to find this light.
Why i exist is also not very clear to me. Why am i here? It can't be to sit here, sulk, work, sulk, relax, enjoy and then repeat the cycle. There must be a purpose, a reason. I want that point of higher calling where i can truly understand myself and the reason of my existence, which if you look at right now is useless. Not many would miss me (outside my family) if i'm no longer there. I know that is the saddest thing i could have written but seeing the mood i am in right now, i would say it is an undersatement. I don't think i can add anything new to this article apart from what i have written till now. Besides my mind is more fucked up than when i started to write an hour or so ago. So i guess i'll try and get some sleep and rest my mind a bit so that i can remove all this negativities from my mind.
My apologies to people who have received this without wishing to. I'll probably erase my mailing list for my next article. Till then take care and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Brookfield, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Ever since I joined Pentair Water after college, I have been working for one business unit only, Fleck controls dealing in water softeners and located at Brookfield. Pentair at that time had a policy of continuously sending out people from India to the States so that they could get better training and feel of the products they are making. So it was a surprise that I hadn't managed to go for so long. But finally both my and my company's timing matched and here I was flying solo to US (which can be a pain in a**) to an unknown land amongst unknown people. For the uninitiated, there are few things about me that are not so popular. I hate doing almost anything alone. I can't eat, roam around, shop or even go to the movies alone. So for me to travel to an unknown country for 6 weeks was certainly a big challenge. Second, unlike many people I know (believe me the count is big), I don't have a fixation with US and coming and working here. Europe yes maybe not US per se.
My only reason for wanting this is to add something to my CV because Indian firms and colleges give weightage to any kind of foreign exposure. Don't know where this notion got set in but yeah it exists now. Having said all that, I have been here for the last 18 days or so. Now I don't think I'll start recounting how my days are being spent here and what all I am doing as first I don't think I want to do that and second, i don't think anyone wants to read that either. For those of you who want to know, i know a phrase which will help you a lot, "Pictures say a thousand words." So just grab them either on picasa or orkut. Anyways, this brings me to the point as to then why am i writing this article in the first place. People generally write something when they want to recount something. Talk about some stuff or explain some event etc. I am not doing either. So why am i writing this?
For starters, i feel i have this obligation both to this blog and in part to myself to write after a protracted interval. This blog certainly has helped me a lot over the last 2 years now. Been with me and provided me with an avenue to vent out my frustration and pain. So now when I'm seemingly normal, leaving behind such a friend (metaphorically) doesn't feel nice. Also, the fact that i am not doing justice to myself by ignoring writing gets to me a bit too. I have been writing all kinds of stuff from the time i was in 8th or 9th. Although it is a common hobby among people but for me writing has always been personal and i have always remained attached to whatever i write. It still feels good to rake up the old pages and read what i had written earlier. So one of the major reasons I'm writing this article is because i just want to write something. Although i am giving care to not take this article to incoherent levels and talk something meaningful.
A few things I have done while i have been here have been fantastic though and i believe i can talk about them a little. After all it's not everyday that you get to do fishing and catch a fish and do some woodwork and create something beautiful out of the wood or have a swing at the golf club. All these were made possible by my boss here and i think i can never thank him enough for the wonderful time i had at his house in the country. Now for me these are really exotic arts - fishing,carpentry,golfing those are leisure activities and being in India, you need both time and money to be able to be a part of something like this. I know these may not sound interesting to many, in fact all the persons i have told this to have not been too enthused. Different people, different likings, different priorities.
For me, i generally don't prefer the traditional activities people like to do when they visit a place, that is in terms of sight seeing. After all what can you see actually in a concrete jungle that you can't get to see in Delhi? I know architecturally i might find some better stuff, but still its a concrete jungle, right?That being said, I'm not saying that i don't like to see such stuff but just that I'm not as excited as others might be. Being a nature lover, i love being out there with mother nature, exploring stuff and clicking photographs. Give me nature over concrete jungle any day. I won't say I'm not happy being here or excited for that matter as that would be lying as though i don't like to say this but yeah i like the place. Clean and beautiful with such wide roads. Why US, the fourth/fifth largest country area wise has only .5% of world's population i will never quite understand yet it produces 20% of world's pollution. Amazing isn't it. Coming back to topic, right now i would say that I'm doing ok. i mean I'm not in a bad position. I do miss people back home but i have not yet gotten bored with the city yet. Knowing me that is a surprise. Well let's see how i end up as when October ends and then i would be better able to evaluate my stay :)
My only reason for wanting this is to add something to my CV because Indian firms and colleges give weightage to any kind of foreign exposure. Don't know where this notion got set in but yeah it exists now. Having said all that, I have been here for the last 18 days or so. Now I don't think I'll start recounting how my days are being spent here and what all I am doing as first I don't think I want to do that and second, i don't think anyone wants to read that either. For those of you who want to know, i know a phrase which will help you a lot, "Pictures say a thousand words." So just grab them either on picasa or orkut. Anyways, this brings me to the point as to then why am i writing this article in the first place. People generally write something when they want to recount something. Talk about some stuff or explain some event etc. I am not doing either. So why am i writing this?
For starters, i feel i have this obligation both to this blog and in part to myself to write after a protracted interval. This blog certainly has helped me a lot over the last 2 years now. Been with me and provided me with an avenue to vent out my frustration and pain. So now when I'm seemingly normal, leaving behind such a friend (metaphorically) doesn't feel nice. Also, the fact that i am not doing justice to myself by ignoring writing gets to me a bit too. I have been writing all kinds of stuff from the time i was in 8th or 9th. Although it is a common hobby among people but for me writing has always been personal and i have always remained attached to whatever i write. It still feels good to rake up the old pages and read what i had written earlier. So one of the major reasons I'm writing this article is because i just want to write something. Although i am giving care to not take this article to incoherent levels and talk something meaningful.
A few things I have done while i have been here have been fantastic though and i believe i can talk about them a little. After all it's not everyday that you get to do fishing and catch a fish and do some woodwork and create something beautiful out of the wood or have a swing at the golf club. All these were made possible by my boss here and i think i can never thank him enough for the wonderful time i had at his house in the country. Now for me these are really exotic arts - fishing,carpentry,golfing those are leisure activities and being in India, you need both time and money to be able to be a part of something like this. I know these may not sound interesting to many, in fact all the persons i have told this to have not been too enthused. Different people, different likings, different priorities.
For me, i generally don't prefer the traditional activities people like to do when they visit a place, that is in terms of sight seeing. After all what can you see actually in a concrete jungle that you can't get to see in Delhi? I know architecturally i might find some better stuff, but still its a concrete jungle, right?That being said, I'm not saying that i don't like to see such stuff but just that I'm not as excited as others might be. Being a nature lover, i love being out there with mother nature, exploring stuff and clicking photographs. Give me nature over concrete jungle any day. I won't say I'm not happy being here or excited for that matter as that would be lying as though i don't like to say this but yeah i like the place. Clean and beautiful with such wide roads. Why US, the fourth/fifth largest country area wise has only .5% of world's population i will never quite understand yet it produces 20% of world's pollution. Amazing isn't it. Coming back to topic, right now i would say that I'm doing ok. i mean I'm not in a bad position. I do miss people back home but i have not yet gotten bored with the city yet. Knowing me that is a surprise. Well let's see how i end up as when October ends and then i would be better able to evaluate my stay :)
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