Break Up Saurabh!!!!!

Shankar Mahadevan sang - Wake Up Sid. I would like to hum a different tune though, its Break Up Saurabh. Well I know it doesn't rhyme but who cares. After a long long time I'm happy and I mean I'm truly happy. I feel light as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I have said this before and yet with in couple of weeks i am back to my usual sulking self and i know that many of you reading this article would not believe me when i say that this time there won't be a relapse. But I would like to assure all my well wishers that this time it's for real. I'm ecstatic right now. I feel the same way as i felt after giving IIFT interview. Totally free with not an iota of care in the world. I feel like i have taken a rebirth. There is a lot of positive energy flowing through me right now. And it's all got to do with one person. I won't name her but you guys know who I'm talking about. She finally said no, never ever.

Now you must be thinking that poor chap is going crazy because of grief. In fact many would go crazy. But i am happy because i had allowed myself to be something i wasn't. I was becoming just too much of a grump. Snapping at people for no particular reason. Always feeling down and dejected. Criticizing myself and blaming her for my being in this state and what not. I had become so awful that i had started to hate myself for being such a sadist. Worse part is i was driving her away from my life because of my complaints and negative attitude. This was definitely something i didn't want. We are good friends and i will try my best to be that. But I'm not forecasting anything yet. Although it would be fair to add that my decision also stemmed from the fact that she was developing feelings for someone else. So a combination of a lot of factors has resulted that i am a free bird now or as SAK said in LAK - "Khula Saand".

It would be wrong to say that i didn't see this coming. I had been told to do this by a couple of friends this past week or so but i was apprehensive. I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to admit that i lost. My male ego was dominating me to not accept defeat in any form. There were other signs too. My daily horoscope would once in a week tell me to let go of that relationship. But i never cared. I always fought to try and make this work. I believed that by doing all this i might move her around to saying yes. But there was definitely a part of my that said that if through all these efforts, she did say yes then won't she be making a compromise and settling for something she might not actually want? Where will that leave me then? In a relationship where she is not happy to be with me and i am still unhappy being with her. I didn't want that in my life. Who would? So i knew something or the other must give way. Either she would accept me whole heartedly or reject me sumptuously. And that's what she did.

So here i am standing on the road to nowhere right now. I know it would be tough and that this euphoria might not last long but i also know that with a couple of friends who really care with me by my side i would survive this phase. Hell i have been through worse things before and yet i am still standing, ain't i? I know if she reads this then i might lose what ever relationship i still have. But this is specially for you dear that try and be happy for me knowing that i am moving on from you as you have always wanted and that i am not letting our friendship go. It will remain as strong as ever. You definitely have to believe me on this as there is no other way i can assure you of this. That being said don't think for a moment that i am harboring any ill feelings as i simply can't. So this is me signing off on the first article of 2010 saying goodnight and goodbye to all the readers. Saurabh has left the building...........

Dosti

"Yaron yahi dosti hai...kismat mein jo mili hai"....so sang Junoon. One of my favorite songs with good music and good, meaningful lyrics. And truly friendship is that elixir which keeps the spirit alive. Yes family is there for you every time, even when friends are not there, but you can talk about only so much things with them. I won't discuss the importance of family here as i know that it sure as hell can't be discussed. It can only be felt. But friendship is different. You spend the majority of the waking day with your friends. Lets face it, its the friends that have to deal with our every mood swing of the day and yet try and cope with it somehow and on top of it make us feel comfortable and loved. In short, Friendship is the heart and soul of every human being. So what is it that makes people say 'Friends for Life' or 'Best Friends Forever'?

For that to happen the person must have developed a special place in your life. That's the first and foremost requirement. You must have enough faith in the person to tell him/her all your fears and share all your happiness. You can be rest assured of their being there for you when you need them and vice-versa. They are happy to see you happy and they are sad to see you sad. That's what best friends are made of. They have an uncountable and never ending reserve of support. That some people can actually understand everything that their friends want to say without actually saying it is simply special. That to me is certainly a form of divinity. I have seen many close friendships in my life and for a long time i longed for them to be in my life too and god blessed me with that not once, not twice but thrice. I say that because each time i got separated from my best friend for reasons i had no control over, but did get back together again later on somehow.

I might be wrong here but i feel that close friendship shouldn't have any boundaries. You must be able to say what you want to at any point in time and place and expect the same thing to happen to you too. Friendship is a treasure that increases if you distribute it. You can not hoard it or lock it for yourself. It's always out in the open and for every one to see. If you become too controlling or start dictating too much much, you will stifle it. It needs sunlight and fresh air to survive, much like the sunflower. Of course there are sacrifices to be made and yes you may not feel good about it but that's what friends do. That's why they have the special place in your life.

There is one bond though that is stronger than friendship. It is called LOVE. When you love someone, you'll do anything. You will leave your best friends aside to think about that special someone and do stuff for him/her that you would never have thought yourself capable of doing. You are really lucky if the love of your life is your best friend too. I believe that there can't be anything like having your special someone as your best friend. A person who completely understands you and is there for you and who you know will care for you in more ways than one. You obviously would want to hang on to something so special, wouldn't you?

But lately i have been around a case where, although i have only a faint idea and probably a few wild guesses at best, i can't help feel that love is sometimes so overpowering that you lose the sense of right or wrong. I agree i'm working with peanuts here, but i can't help myself wondering if everything that's going on is correct? I know the person i'm talking about knows what i'm saying and why i'm saying it. I also know that i don't have the leverage to talk about sense in this situation as i don't know a lot, but it sure has helped me fully appreciate the meaning of words Love Is Blind and that love at times can be painful and cruel. It was this madness that love brings that i was talking about when i said that you'll do anything in the name of love.

I'm a bit tired, a bit wired and definitely impatient right now but there is nothing in my hands and all i can do is pray that everything works out for the best. I don't know though what that just might be. All i can say is that "Yaron, Dosti....badi hi haseen hai" so try and keep this alive........

Fucked Up

Whenever I'm alone i tend to think of what all has happened in my life so far. The good stuff, the not so good and the outright bad stuff. Usually this time of introspection takes me to the bad things that i have seen and how and why they happened. Needless to say I'm not a happy camper after such time. Somehow, somwhere i manage to convince myself of it all being my fault in some inscrutable way. I have always believed that thinking is one of the most important of human activities. That's what makes us unique. But to what things you devote your thinking time ensures what kind of mind set you live with. Constantly fretting over petty stuff and ostracising myself over insignificant things is what i'm best at. I don't think i would be wrong in saying that i am my worst critic.
Although i tend to believe that i am just being humble at these times but reality is that i know they are my shortcomings. There are many reasons why i could consider my life a failure.
Some of them would be social suicide to write here. On the other hand there are reasons where i can think of my life being a success. But me being me can easily assign biased weightage to the negative points to make the situation appear more grim than it actually is. It's not that i want to paint a grumpy oulook to my life. Hell who would want that. Even being a pessimist i'm not sadist. I don't take pleasure in sadness and pain. Infact i'm hurt by other living being's pain as much as i am by my own. Still i time and again recount stuff only to portray myself in the dark and a blot on the existence.
I know this again doesn't make for a happy reading and i don't wish to annoy anyone here by whatever i'm writing. I know that when i am in such a mood i can hardly resist myself from typing what is coming to my mind. I type as the conversation builds up in my mind. That is the reason why at times my writing loses base and becomes incoherent. So i want to apologise in advance to anyone who has wasted his/her time in reading this monologue and gotten disappointed, angry or annoyed at my personal bashing, yet again. But the fact is that i can't help myself. I feel this is onething that right now i have to get out of my system if i want to do something. So if you are bored already you can skip the rest of the article as it won't change its path.
Lately it' has been a constant effort by me to find a meaning or purpose for every action or event happening in my life. There is an inclination to find the why that might be associated with the stuff. For eg. if i'm taking a photograph, the feeling now is to develop a wholistic view of the view I'm trying to capture rather than earlier when all i used to do was snap up the pictures blindly without any focus on getting the frame or the angle right. Thus, photography has developed a meaning to it. So have some other activities in life too. I know i like all this stuff and probably this is what is keeping me happy and sane at times. Left to my own devices i know i would have declared myself medically unfit to remain in this world. But my respect and love for life is much too big to do anything insane. Whatever might be the condition of my mind, i would still love what i have. It's the extra that we all need that makes me sad.
One disturbing thing i have found about myself over the past 4-5 months has been my inability to cast any influence on people around me in my life. Apart from family of course who all might be tied by the ties of blood and who might not have ever thought of anything in this direction. But i can be very much certain of the rest of the people i know. Don't know if its the ideas that i put forward, the way i talk, the way i present myself or what not but i am not taken seriously by anyone around me. I love giving advice and in general try to help out anyone and everyone who might need a bit of help (big or small, doesn't matter). So there i am thinking that i might be helping the other guy out but infact i might just not be needed in the first place.
I don't know what i expect from others and how do i want them to react to me being there in their life. My mind is not so developed to fully comprehend this. So i spend days thinking of something or the other to try and understand this quandry. Life can take a turn for the better or worse in a matter of seconds. It's another matter that my happiness and sorrow is only partially tied to my activities. Why i am not free of all the tensions in my life i don't know. I accept i can never be truly free but yes the magnitude of the tension should atleast come down. I havetime and again asked for a ray of light in my life. To show me the way to move forward in a direction both helpful and conducive to my life. But i have yet to find this light.
Why i exist is also not very clear to me. Why am i here? It can't be to sit here, sulk, work, sulk, relax, enjoy and then repeat the cycle. There must be a purpose, a reason. I want that point of higher calling where i can truly understand myself and the reason of my existence, which if you look at right now is useless. Not many would miss me (outside my family) if i'm no longer there. I know that is the saddest thing i could have written but seeing the mood i am in right now, i would say it is an undersatement. I don't think i can add anything new to this article apart from what i have written till now. Besides my mind is more fucked up than when i started to write an hour or so ago. So i guess i'll try and get some sleep and rest my mind a bit so that i can remove all this negativities from my mind.
My apologies to people who have received this without wishing to. I'll probably erase my mailing list for my next article. Till then take care and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!

Not an Ordinary week

Another week has gone by. Another somewhat exciting somewhat sad week. Coming into july i knew i'll surely be in for a treat as Hollywood lined up some of its major summer blockbusters within week of each other. From Angels & Demons to Wolverine to T4 to Ice Age3 to Transformers2 and last but not he least by a long shot - Harry Potter and the half blood prince. Phew!!! 6 films in 6 weeks and i have been able to watch only 3 as yet. It sarted last weekend. Had planned to see transformers2 on the second day of its release at one of the coveted halls (i've heard its good but never watched any movie there), Wave cinemas. Banking on a little bit of imagination one can assume to get current tickets considering the hall was empty only a day ago. So there I was standing in line in the heat (Delhi has been way too hot this summer), waiting for my turn and voila i reach the counter only to learn to my shock - HOUSE FULL. I couldn't actually believe my eyes. A hall which was empty a day ago was suddenly filled. Never had i imagined this to happen. Maybe I took it a bit easy and maybe my instincts were all wrong. Well whatever be the case, i was standing in the heat with no fucking tickets.

My friend arrived on the scene and i sure enough heard an ear full of being too complacent. But I being me, couldn't give up so easily now, could I? So the search began for a newspaper to get the name of other halls. Soon we were able to get seats in Satyam, Janakpuri. Too my great regret i had to break my promise to myself to avoid Satyam in future at all costs. But these were desparate times and hence called for desparate measures. So off we went in a hurry to secure the tickets lest we loose them again. Thankfully we were in luck this time. I had missed out on watching the first movie on hall, so naturally couldn't afford to make the same mistake again. Sure enough it was a huge treat. Agreed the movie didnt give scope for acting and was out and out an action film, but what great action it was. The Dog falling from sky into the ocean and racing on water and land and jumping over fences and then disintegrating to enter the chamber, it was simply amazing. The sequel really took the movie to another level. No wonder it had the second highest opening in US Box Office history. A wonderful movie no doubt. And sunday brought Angels & Demons, though on my lappi. And although i had read the book earlier still i wasn't able to understand parts of it.

So a somewhat mixed weekeend brought a tumultous week emotionally and i was left wondering what happened all of a sudden. But to take my mind off it and to give my Best Friend of all times a good farewell (joining IIT - KGP) I decided to spend the friday evening watching the latest flick on display - Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Again i have never watched any Harry Potter movie on hall and i wasn't very impressed with 3 out of 5 movies that have been released so i was a bit skeptical about it. My interest in Harry Potter series grew only after I saw the tremendous action scenes of Harry Potter IV. But no. V was a big disppointment and no. VI was a bit of disappointment. Sure enough story wise it was a big revelation. Lot of things were revealed, but sadly no action sequences. No fights between the two sworn enemies. How can that be? That really upset the mood a bit, but gave a new determination to finish the VIIth book. The story had engrossed me so much. Thus the second weekend was spent reading book no VII.

I have to admit, book was good. I say this because i have never been a fan of Harry Potter series as such. For me the best book has always been LOTR and its movie adaptations were really mind blowing. All those wonderful fight sequences with comedy and tragedy mixed were a treat to watch with wonderful directorial skills. And probably this is where Harry Potter movie series lacks, direction. Peter Jackson is a wonderful director but i don't think same can be said for Harry Potter's director (I don't even know his name). But the book is good i must concede that, though LOTR wins the race by a long shot. I hadn't though expected Harry Potter to be such. But after having spent some 13-14 hours a new sinking feeling developed. The feeling that it is over.

There won't be any more Harry Potter series. The same feeling i had when I watched Matrix Revolutions, LOTR - Return of King, Bourne Ultimatum and of course, Pirates of the Carribean - At World's End. There won't be another version of these series and this created an emptiness, what's next? Guess i'll have to live with it. Look for some other series probably. But whenever these series end they do leave you a bit sad as you won't see the same characters again. So herre i am at the end of Harry Potter series too and i'm feeling a bit sad. But i do remmember though that i still have 3 movies left in the pipeline and they wil take some time to finish and thus i do have something to look forward to which is a good thing, right?

What to do?

Only a week or so ago i was wondering, thinking to myself, hey I haven't written a sad article for quite some time. I was missing the darkness, the sombreness that is normally associated with my sad articles. The usual monologue cribbing and whining about what all is wrong with this pathetic little non existence called my life. The heavy overdose of self criticism and the outpouring of unusual grief as to why nothing is what i want it to be in my life. The kind of article that makes the intestines of all those who read it, twist and writhe in pain and agony over the mundane and sadistic article. Yes i have been criticised time and again for all the sad articles i have written and even yelled at by few, but i know deep inside this black heart of mine that whatever comes out is how i feel at that moment. At that particular point in time and space I'mfeeling cringy and aggravated enough to spew out the venom from inside my body and soul in the form of an article.

I have also time and again doubted my skills as a writer and time and again been told to not think about it, but me being me can't do that. So again and again i spend my time analyzing and criticizing myself over what i have written using none of the flashy vocabulary and wonderful imagination that i have seen others display so effortlessly. I know i can't write that way as one i don't have a good vocab and second my mind which in itself is a topsy turvy landscape doesn't let a thought process run its full course. So at times what i usually end up with, is only a shadow of what i wanted to write with the most ineffective use of the millions of words present in the English dialect.

Which brings me to the point as to why i am writing this article in the first place. Today i am having that sinking feeling again. I am feeling nauseated and crushed as if wind has been knocked right out of lungs. I have that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach which no antibiotic (probably not the right word but what the heck) can cure. I know people know me inside out and they'll understand what i want to say and to whom it is directed. I don't mean to cast any aspersions and i don't blame anyone for how I'm feeling right now as it has to do with me. As far as i see i am one of the chief reasons for all this bickering that currently goes on in my life. Never trying to look at positive things and instead always complaining and demanding, i take myself through all this again and again.

But every cloud has a silver lining, so they say and i think i have one too. I have the inordinate capacity to assimilate all inside me. I have the ability to take it all, dish out some and soon forget all about it. Take now for instance. I was sad and cribby some time ago and that got me writing this article, but now I'm not cribby. Yes a tinge of sadness does remain, but that too will soon wash away. I can take it in my stride and move forward. But the problem is, to where? I might be easy to forgive and difficult to forget but where does that leave me. It leaves me standing at the intersection again, walking the same path i had treaded some time ago and on which i had cursed myself to never walk again. But alas, me being me won't have any of it. All my giant ego which has burned quite a few relations and hurt a few others always abandons me at the right moment.

After all what has this ego ever brought me? Nothing important as far as i remember. In fact it has been the reason for many of my pain filled days. Yet i have clung on to it in the name of self esteem, clamoring after its non-existent virtues. What good is my ego then? One answer that does come to my mind is that it prevents me from any major pain that i might have to go through later on in life. That seems logical doesn't it? To prevent myself from a great amount of pain i willingly take on small amount of pain and miss out on small amount of happiness as well. Logic doesn't run in the family though I'm running after that too. All in all this was a good experience i would say, for me at least in as much that i got hold of myself a bit and am not in a foul mood anymore. So should i be feeling happy now? Guess I'll have to wait for something else to happen in order to answer that......

RIP - Michael Jackson

Of what's been a tumultous week for me, I have seen my idol at one point of time in life die a death i wouldn't wish for my enemies. Alone and emaciated to the bone with CPR breaking the ribs. I have grown up listening to Michael Jackson, Backstreet Boys, Ace of Base, Metallica etc. and it sure hurts to hear something bad about these people. I know how sad i was when i heard that Creed as a band were breaking up, i loved their music. Then to hear the shocking news of MJ's death has not been easy. He lived a life full of controversies and negative stories but there is one thing his detractors can't take away from him is his music. The hope that music brought to the millions, the rythm of the beats, the shrieks, the dance moves, the attire everything was electric. Truly a legend lived amongst us and all we did was wilify him for all the good things he had given us. Music knows no boundaries, so they say but i guess that only came about after MJ hit the scene. The first black man so successful on the world stage and like every other superstar, Morrisson, Elvis, Cobain...he too died a lonely death again to drugs.

Many won't buy my eulogy to the King as to them the unproved paedophile tag is too much to digest. But i don't care...i loved him for his music and what he has given us. one could see so many people try the moon walk that one might forget who started it all. But there was one and only one who perfected it with ease. Those steps made people go wild and crazy and i as a child watching intently on TV seeing that move was left amazed. Till this day i try to copy it, to see if i can make something out of it but i can't. But the music was what made MJ special. The passion that he brought to the music can't be seen everywhere. The feelings with which he sang and the emotions. Everything was memorable. Agreed i never did understand the lyrics and i had to search for them to try and understand but still the characteristic shrieks were what i tried to copy whenever a Jackson song came on TV.

If you have seen any MJ video you must have seen a very common attire. An undershirt and a shirt open or tied at the waist. Coupled with it the three fourths or the super short trousers. a person not knowing MJ would think it is a comedy show but that's just what MJ brought to the stage - a difference. Who says you have to be bare chested or all dressed up or even in casuals. Mj had his own style just like his voice, his personality. He was a wonderful dancer no doubt about it and like his predecessor (Elvis - The King of Rock n Roll) he too had his own collection of sequined suits that adorned the stage in all his world performances. Guess that's what you have to wear if you are called The King. It can be said without a shadow of a doubt that it was MJ who put the P into pop music. The King of Pop stole millions of hearts and left another million broken on his sudden demise. Coming on the back of the news of his world tour, it really is heartbreaking.

The improper use of drugs prescribed by doctors no better than quacks have claimed a person, so loved all across the globe. If nothing else, MJ gave a ray of hope to the millions of black people in America that with some hard work they too can succeed and the results are there to see. The whole of NBA roaster - all the teams have hardly any white players. Almost all are black. It hurts to think about his death. It hurts to know he won't be around anymore. But there is a pleasant note attached here that maybe his troubles on earth are finally over and he can actually rest in peace in the heavens above in the Hall of Music. Goodbye MJ....we will surely Remmember The Time when we try to Heal The World but i do want to ask you, Will You Be There??????

Here We Go One More Time.....

So much has happened over the past month or so that i was overwhelmed even at the thought of writing about it. The magnificent election results where although the party i despise most - Congress went on to win, but it won handsomely. The feeling that the people have voted for a strong and stable government is simply amzing. Finally i agree with Rajdeep Sardesai about the Indian voter finally coming of age. Guess it must have been my inexperience that led me to believe otherwise earlier but now i'm really happy that the country has a solid foundation and can/should step up the much needed reforms. Agreed had BJP come to power there wouldn't have been stark differences in the policies being followed. After all each political party works in the same way. So it's good that we can look up to some non Left rule for 5 years now.

Second important thing in this sad instance of mine called life has been the departing of two of my closest friends in recent times. Both finally headed to Kolkata. Away from the mindless bullshit that we have to face everyday. I'm glad that they are going, pursuing their dreams. But it feels sad to let them go. What will i do without them. Who will talk with about stocks and the markets. Who will i joust with and make fun of. Whose login everyday will i look forward to from now on. Yes i'm losing two of my most prized assets :) but i wish i was going with them. God knows when we'll meet next. When we would sit together and enjoy the time like we do now.

I had hoped of writing two separate articles for these incidents but the mere thought of writing about them made me so much unsure of myself that i couldn't bring myself to write anything. It was like i had slipped into my now recurring zone of aversion where in i hate the very thought of writing. I started to write something else but couldn't take it through. Coupled with the laziness that has seeped in to my routine i have barely managed to write something right now. I also wanted to write about the comments i got on my last article. I was told that how i needn't be a world calss writer and that is surely not accepted of me, so i should stop criticising myself and think positively and write pleasant things. I was also told to do add spice to my articles, make them more interesting. To make them acceptable to a larger audience. And if possible take it along a different route altogether and try something new and creative. Something that would make people really look up to my next blog.

Guess i would have been able to do that had i had a wonderful imagination and in some sense a positive outlook to life. I'm constantly berating myself for a tiny or major fault. There's a unknown complusion of trying to be the best and leave no stone unturned in my stride, just because i know that because of my poor observation, i would leave hundreds behind. There's this fear of failure and not living upto a certain set standards by god knows who and in the process constantly overevaluating myself. I agree i have a pessimistic outlook to life which somehow had changed to optimistic outlook a couple of months ago. But events have made me change myself again. I nhave time and again asked myself, how should i let go of this dark nature of mine. How in the world souuld i write, think, act in a positive manner but have come to nought each time. What can i do is something i have no answer to.

I know that this article of mine will again cause a lot of peevishness at me from my friends, but i neededc an outlet for all the bullshit that was developing inside me. I need an outlet where i could scream at myself or anybody else, just because things didn't quite work out the way i imagined them to. It would be harsh to say that i have lost hope, but yes my faith in hope has been dented seriously. Lack of oppurtunities and luck has certainly made me take a different look at hope. Luck has never been on my side and when it has, it has come with a rider. So the two things people cling on to all their lives have deserted me quite early. But i'm not scared of that. I believe in myself and i know that with luck or without it, i will surely make it where i want to someday. Too ambitious, maybe, but if i don't think this way then i might not amount to anything in life. I have faith in myself and i know that someday i'll be the person everybody would be talking about.....God bless us all.....................

No. 50 - The Journey so far

This day, right now I'm writing my 50th article on this blog. My first ever attmpt at seriously writing about stuff that i would love to talk about with someone. Suffering from a perennial lack of people to share my views with, i was always filled with all the thoughts for which i never had an outlet. Probably that's why i used to talk to myself a lot. That is why i guess writing comes naturally to me. I know i'm not a great writer and all the stuff that i write is hardly entertaining let alone interesting at times but this much is true that whatever i write comes straight fro m the heart and the mind. There has not been an iota of fakeness in my writing ever. That some might say is just lack of imagination and yes i don't have anything to defend myself with on that. But still i believe that whatever i have written so far is genuine and my actual thoughts and feelings and hence holds sntimental value.

As the description on the top of this page shows i am quite choosy about topics that i write about and hence going through the last 49 articles you won't find a lot of variation in the topics that i have written on. Movies, politics, love & pain, self introspection and probably a few here and there, that's my total list of articles. I don't write flowery sentences. The ones that show off your vocabulary. I don't write enterprising articles depicting tales of some events that never really happened. I don't write about people's point of views. What i do write is about me, my thoughts, my feelings. Guess you can say i am a self centered pig but what can i do i love myself. The fact is that i can't write about how other people might think and react to a situation because if i'm writing about something that simply means i am interested in tallking about it and that leaves me the only candidate whose voice my mind is ready to listen.

I know like the other articles this one too is going to land up in a heap of mass , unread and unappreciated by many. After all there is nothing exciting about it. A no. 50 article should have been special, right? Actually, no. I don't need special numbers to get myself talking or doing stuff. I don't need a date to tell me that i should go tell my mom that i love her. I don't need a date to go and express my love to my special someone. I don't need a no. to write a fantastic article. So like the rest this one too has a bit of introspection built into it. A bit of self criticism and a bit of cynisicsm too. I know when i started out on this blog i wasn't very sure how far this was going to last. It just happened that i hated the idea of blogs to begin with. But now, 1.5 years down the line i feel like this was the best decision that i had ever taken. I don't care if my articles are read only by those whom i mail the content and that outside those 10 people there is hardly any visitor on my blog but that is not a dampener.

Agreed it kind of hurts not being so popular as a blogger after all who wouldn't want a little bit of appreciation. But i know that i am not writing this blog for people's pleasures. It's a gateway for me to at times let out my frustration without harming anyone and at times talk about stuff that i really want to express my thoughts on. This is more or less my online diary and i guess it's fine if it ain't read by many as it leaves it a tad personal. In Dec 2007 when i started this blog it was my way of getting back at people who had hurt me without going up to them to let them know that i was being hurt. Slowly, the feelings faded away and i started writing about stuff that i wanted to talk about. Slowly my interest started increasing and consequently a lot of what was going on my mind came out in the form of words on a page. Looking back now i feel that it has helped me in more ways than one. It has helped me keep myself sane in the time of struggles and heartaches and at the same time helped me improve my writing and to some extent my usage off english language. 

I know i am still far off from being a true artist, i am a novice i would say and would continue to be so for a long time to come. But yes, my writing has given me a renewed sense of confidence and belief in myself, something i was surely lacking when i first started out. Today i come across many people who have writing as a hobby/interest and i hear their efforts and it hurts to know that i am somehow not in that league yet. But i guess, i have never truly tried hard to be in that league. I have continued writing in my own, mundane style week in and week out. I am not a show man but i do want to believe that i am a craftsman. I am polishing an honing the writer in me so that someday it can reach heights that i only dream of right now. I know i am trend setter. After all i have made four of my friends start writing about their feelings but i won't call them bloggers yet. They don't have the zeal yet though Zoo Zoo is showing some signs. I though am a bit surprised. Over the years my weakness has been my quick loss of interest in things. But blogging somehow has managed to survive for a long time.

I don't know if i should call this blogging or not. Like i said this is more of an online diary and since i don't go and read other people's blogs apart from those my friends write and send across, i think it wouldn't be right. But again since this is a web log, blog seems the natural adjective. I was once told to write in a way that leaves the reader searching for more. A gripping tale or narrative that makes you go on reading no matter how long it is. You should be able to make the reader commit to you. And in the end he must be left awestruck (or at least near enough). But till date that has not happened with me. My writing style is such that i can't put in the spice. I love the writing style that i was told to adopt i know, but i guess somewhere inside me i am just a bit lazy to make that extra effort. I know i should sign off now as i have blabbered on for long and nothing important has come about and ofcourse this will only further dip the IRP's of the blog, so i am saying goodnight to the owls and to those burning the midnight oil for god knows what reason....

Death

One Two Three...stand back. Again, one two three...... No we will not give up. Again................ All the time the sirens of the ambulance constantly blaring in the background as the vehicle moves through the traffic to take the victim to the hospital. Luck plays a major role if they manage to get to the hospital on time. But even hen the patient loses his fight against time and all that is left is a one big heap of mass. Loved by many, cherished by some and might even hated by few. But fact is all the feelings come to nought when the angels of darkness come calling, taking away the life given so measurably by the lord.

I admit, my tryst with writing (disregarding my earlier attempts at it when i was in school) began with a poem where i was famously courting death. I did so to make it interesting, to add up the spice. I wasn't serious at all about it when i wrote that, probably because i was only 18 at that point of time. It was more fun oriented than anything else. But over the years, life and time have taught me things that would surely make it imprudent to make fun of death. It's the living reality that all of us know about but surely never admit.

Death can take away people you considered closest, people you loved the most, people you cared for, people you respected, people you wanted to have in your life and some even you never cared for to begin with. But this doesn't mean that you are not bothered by the outcome. You are because you are good souls. You feel the pain when you see the urchins begging, the deformed kids trying to walk with their heads held high, the forces of nature crashing down on helpless individuals, the suffering that is so evident everywhere around us. You see and feel all that. Death has its own way of showing things to people, to make them understand the reality.

I have seen it very closely albeit only 2-3 times. Losing family members everytime and one a very near miss. Sure it hurts like hell. Having the wind sucked out of you in a jiffy. Initially you fall into a pit of disbeleif. How can it be true? There must be some mistake. As if death would have asked you before it came knocking. Although it should have you feel, but that's not how reality transpires, does it? 

Each time i lost somebody, i made up an excuse. It's better they died as the place is no longer worth living. They were facing so many problems. It's better they are far from it now and the likes. I was never troubled by death as such. I had always taken it as part of life and moved on. But it does sting for some time. In my case that time has always been short lived. To this i sometimes feel that i might just be heartless. A heart devoid of any emotions. One who cares only for worldly pleasures and not the real things that matter - emotions. I don't know how i'll be judged in the court of the lord but i am very confused by what i should or should not do in such situations.

Death makes life seem so short. Anything can happen to you at any time. You have zero control over it. Then why the hell are we fighting for that inch of space, salary, land, feelings etc? Why?Why are we running like fools after something that's non existent to begin with?Why are throwing away our lives? Simly because its simpler this way. The hard way of meditation and spiritualism doesn't have the zing and the bling that we crave for always. I know all this is run of the mill stuff and anybody under the sun can write it and yeah probably you have heard all this a million times in your life but what can i do, if something so shocking happens you are bound to feel the aftershocks albeit for a short time (in my case that is).

I guess the strength of character comes up when you face this situation face up and stand up to the demands of emotions always putting up a brave face. That's what character really is. Standing tall in adversity. Not letting situations bog you down and moving forward to defeat the demons of pain. 

I am grieved today by the loss of a person i didn't even knew. I only knew the girl who knew the person. I don't even know the guys full name, yet i am disturbed. The boy meant the world to the girl and the girl is a very good friend of mine. So in this pseudo friendship of sorts, i am grieving. Funny, yes if you want to have a look at the lighter side of it. But it all boils down to what are we here for? When there is nothing in our hands then what are we here for? We can't control where we are born. We can't control how we're born. We can't control how we are going to die. We can't control when we're going to die. Then what are we doing? I am not a spiritual guru and i can't answer that question. But i somehow feel that we are in this world simply to determine what we'll become in the next................ 

P.S. - An ode to you dear, you know i know that you'll pull through this time (you have already begun on that path).

IPL

"It's big, it's going, it's out of the park for a DLF Maximum. Boy that man can hit some pretty big ones. 100 metres the distance it travelled. You're absolutely right my friend, that wasn't a bad ball either. Just goes to show what power this man has and the timing." Something you would have heard a hundred times over the las fortnight. As the second season of IPL currently going on in South Africa moves into the second phase, the cricket buffs across the country and quite possibly the world are not complaining. The excitement of last ball finishes along with the total domination of 100 runs victory, everything keeps you glued to the seat in front of the idiot box for a full 3.5 hrs.

Lalit Modi engineered this mega event last year was a run away success beating competition at the box office by more than a mile (figuratively). This year too after the hiccups the event has got going and brought out some good surprises in terms of the teams leading and lagging behind in the pack. This money crunching machine, pitting individuals of the same national team against each other. Such is the prfessionalism in the players that even while playing against old friends they are thinking of the team's interests first. That or maybe the money that his being doled out is making the choices for them. Eitherway, this mix and match of nationalities and personalities and charactes has surely brought the playing teams closer.

The event commands a world wide audience and is well appreciated in all parts of the cricketing universe making it a true global event next to only the World cup. But among all this craze for cricket and the excitement over the shrtest form of game (so far), there is something else running around hidden from the view. That is the brains and the management of BCCI - Board of Control of Cricket in India. The men behind this gamut of frenzy, the real men who thought up this event. The ones who eked out the details. The guys who brought in the money. Everyone has done a stupendous job to take the game to an all time high level. Agreed T20 attracts more viewership than other forms of the game and thus is bound be more successful/profitable. Still as they say in cricket you have to put away the bad ball to make it count. Same goes for this.

The men shrewd in their planning knew what they were doing and what they wanted. Now that is a sign of good management. People with brains putting them to good use and milking the oppurtunity that presented itself when India won the T20 worldcup. This sort of idea does make you wonder, whether this can be incorporated in some other game or can this be helful elsewhere. Hockey was a step ahead in this when they launched the Hockey Premier League 3 years ago, but low popularity of the sport made the event a non starter. No wonder the national game is in the ruin. Compared to cricket where India hasn't done a lot to make the nation proud, Hockey in the past has brought in huge laurels. Slowly that populartity was lost and predictably the national game had to move aside to lend the centrestage to something else. In this cricket crazy nation (much like football is to England) the day starts and ends with some or the other piece of cricketing action being viewed across the country.

Sure enough it's cricket that is hitting the headlines even as the largest democracy in the world dances to the tunes of election. Political parties crying their hearts out but to no avail as voter turn out remains dismal at 50%. Yet the viewership for the IPL matches remains high enough at around 70%. People having no interest in cricket too find time to watch a few overs but somehow to go out and vote is a big problem for them. Yes elections are for their country this time and not the state or the municipality for that matter (I doubt if people even know that we vote for the municipality too). Even the cinema halls are not running any new releases. IPL has hit every other business hard. Yet no one is complaining. Why should they? It'll be over in another fortnight or so and lives will be back to normal.

People will move on to other cricket matches, movies, studies, jobs etc. and IPL memories might just be lost in all the din. The only thing that will be running about IPL would be the coffers of BCCI with Lalit Modi sitting on a pile of cash and smiling like The Lord Buddha..........

I'm Back - But To What?

Seems like my punchline for the day. Yes i have been going around saying this line over and over again today. Where am i back from - I am back from Srinagar and the valley of Kashmir. A wonderful trip of 6 long days. Gardens, flowers, mountains, snow, horses, mountains, trees, snow. It was all breathtaking. Just too good to say the least. A trip which i sure would never have made myself and was coaxed into only by my sis - the livewire in the family. But it was a wonderful trip nevertheless even with all the security concerns. Just goes to show what some illogical persons can do to a wonderful place. The valleys were awesome, the snow covered mountains too. The majestic view of the Himalayas was by far the best thing i had seen as a nature lover. Predictably we went around clicking shots at very nook and corner much to the annoyance of mom and bro. 

To begin with the gardens of Srinagar are so very beautiful. Too many variety of flowers and fountains running through the centre. Set up in the Mughal era these really make the valley heaven on earth. Then the snow covered rads and mountains of Sonmarg. I had never seen so much ice and snow before. Mountains fully cloaked in a white dress so pure. The sleigh ride down from the mountain top at full speed, bouncing over the edges and the brakes applied making it a fantastic experience. Then came the valley of Pahalgam. Taking the horses to reach the clearance in the midst of the valley. Gulmarg came and along came rain to spoil the fun. Shikara ride on the magnificent dal lake was also an experience to have. 

Bidding adieus to the valley we moved to Patnitop where another chilly day awaited us. Nathu top with the Pir Panjal range on one side and the Himalayas on the other with chiily winds blowing was again breathtaking. Ride to Udhampur and the ride back home on the train was also a great journey. So I'm back home after 6 days of winter break in the midst of summer. Back to our very own Delhi-15. Back to the rigours of office, back to the facilities of phone and internet. Back amongst the group of friends i am soon going to lose. Back to the sweltering heat of Delhi. Back to the same tensions and travails. Back to the same pollution and noise. Back to a lot many things.

But do i want all this? After the experience of a lifetime in the past 6 days. What a wasteful life we must be living in right. Sadly the lifetime experience is too heavy on the pocket to sustain for long. So in the end..running out of options we have to settle for saaddi dilli. I love Delhi make no mistake about it. I have lived here all my life. I love travelling through it everyday. I love the trees and the well maintained roads. I love almost everything about it. But there is also the negative aspect to it. I love being in touch with my phone and internet again. But doesn't that make my life mundane as before - doing the same old tasks. 

Soon my group of 5 - The Famous five some may call us will break up. People moving to greener pastures. My best friend of past 7 years will finally move away. Sure i'm happy he is moving to a great new place but i am also selfishly sad for having to let these guys go. My fun time spoilt and lost by my own deeds nonetheless. I would have loved to join last year itself. This year too would have been great. Guess it might not be written for me. The peaceful nature and the noiselessness of the valley quickly lost on the noise filled streets here. The trip now remains as a part of the memory that is captured in the photographs. 

So taking all this and a few other things in mind i ask again - What am I back to?

HOPE

You got to have faith/hope. Many songs/poems have been written on this theme. Virtues of hope are abound in nature. Everyone keeps on harping on faith and hope as the medium of future. "Look for a better future. Have faith and hope and things will turn out differently," so say a lot of people. People in every walk of life live everyday by this thread of hope for someting better than today. I too have time and again sliced off my favourite dialogue,"Hope pe duniya kayam hai." Guess there is a lot of faith in the very funda of faith and hope amongst the masses today, probably more than there ever was. But does hope really help?

I don't want to tread on the lines of blasphemy here. I know many people live their life on hope alone. But still my mind races to question the effectiveness of hope. How can faith and hope be helpful? Is it not just another way to avoid looking at the reality? Foolishly developing a non existent atmosphere where everything in your or someone else's life will be perfect. Can it really be helpful? Emotionally, yes. Hope lets you play with your emotions. Masking the reality. Conceiling it from your eyes.

You must be wondering why this tirade suddenly against something as pure as hope. Has this guy gone crazy? Well to allay your fears, no i have not gone crazy. No i have not turned a pessimist. No I'm not sad. No i'm not disturbed. In my continuous endeavour for self introspection and trying to learn about myself by delving into the past, i have come across certain instances in  life that have made me question the theatrics of hope. These instances have compelled me to think about hope in a different manner. Let me make one thing clear here. I have been the biggest supporter of having hope as a means to sustaining life. 

Case1: Cards - Infatuation leading to the eternal losses. 

My love for cards has compelled me time and again to play and play for money and further increasing the amount everytime i play. This keeping in mind that i don't have luck factor in life. Luck is never on my side. Still in the eternal feeling of hope, i played everytime hoping to get lucky someday and bag a big hand someday. Hoping continuously to win big. But i lost more each and everytime. Hope made me bankrupt and the butt of a lot of jokes. 

Case 2: Girlfriend

Never had a girlfriend in my life. Had a few friends who are girls but never was in a relationship. Got lucky once. Developed a close and good friend. One who understood me. Who didnt't treat me like others. Who I thought really cared for me. But alas, there too luck was not by my side. She already had a boyfriend. But she never took me as boyfriend material. I was always the FRIEND. But i hung on in a hope that someday she would realise my true love and accept my love. Hope was what that kept me going. Hope that someday she will be mine. Alas, i had to swallow the bitter pill that she can never be mine. 

Case3: Education

The most important thing in my life has been a good education. I had always considered myself a strong contender for an MBA degree. That is why year after year i have appeared for entrances and banking on hope,luck,hardwork to get me through. I never doubted my abilities and skills. Always thinking of hope as my sole support to tide me through. But here too luck deserted me time and again. After 4 years of struggle, I am left high and dry by my hope and the ephemeral luck. 

What all of this has brought me to understand is that hope actually can not be that helpful. Destiny is what makes things happen. Its the destiny that decides the future and the present for an individual. Hope plays a very miniscule part here. But then why do we bank upon it? Why do we favour it so much? Why do we give so much importance to it? Apart from emotional value does hope include anything else? But then can we do without hope? Confused state i am in. Knowing nt what to think. Past leads me to believe the fruitlessness of hope but my heart pulls me towards it time and again. What should i do? What can i do? HOPE i can get some answers.........

I have never seen you in that way

Ahh.... that kind of feels like a stab straight into the heart. A wound inflicted upon thee by thy own longing. A result of the feeling you so wanted to express to the person infront of you. But what do you get in return? A timid but terse reply - "I have never seen you in that light." Your expression of love turned away politely. Why does this happen? After the time you spent with the person. Even after spending all your time trying to listen, handle, solve their problems. Even after being or trying deparately to become a pillar of support for them. Why is it that they can not see your emotions? This is not to suggest that you did all this for your own need. You provided the support because you actually cared. You wanted them to be happy. You would have given anything and everything for that smile to remain. 

They do acknowledge your support and care. They are thankful for that and mean it from the bottom of their heart. But.....they had never seen you in that light. Period. For them you are the friend that would be always there for them. While you the wanna be Knight in Shinning Armour had by now developed those forsaken feelings that you never thought could arise are left to the torture of the mind. The mind- the fastest animal alive. The questions and answers popping in and out every minute. What torture do they put you through. You want it all to be over so you could have some peace. You finally decide to take the plunge and pour your heart out.

"But.... I have never seen you in that light." This is when it hits you. You fool of a KNIGHT. The biggest misinterpretator of all. What made you think she would be interested? Having been there for her for some time doesn't give you a right to impose yourself on her feelings. She needed a friend and you took it too far. You betrayer. You should be slain along with all the monsters that ever existed. Okay that was taking it too far. Coming back to normality. What does all this mean then? You could never have a chance? Or you could if you just tried it slowly for some more time. Maybe she will see it later and accept it. Maybe she will realise that i am wat she is actually looking for. Maybe she will come to me one day and say, "oh my handsome prince please never leave my side for i want you to be with me always." Bravo...bravo!! where's the award damn it? 

Yes you would be thinking along the same lines. But that was brought upon thee by thy own self. Your ambitions, your expectations, your feelings. When will you ever stop thinking about yourself? Selfish son of a gun. Try thinking about others once in a while. You fool, destroyed or at least jeopardised a perfectly good friendship. Why did you have to listen to your heart? Your mind is more logical and reasonable. Listen to it for a change. Please. Well what now you think. What to do? Will things be same? Will she turn cold? Will she talk? Who will i find now that she can't be the one? What will happen to me? Will I die alone? You feel like crying. Man where is that award? 

You ponder on the event. You think why did it happen the way it did. You talk around. You are not the only one. Many comrades have suffered the brunt of JAF- Just A Friend. You take hope. This might not be all that bad. You have company. There many like you, thinking and wondering. You delve deep into the never ending abyss. You reach a conclusion that satisfies your ego. You love your interpretation. The self obsessed narcissist pig has reached an explanation. She is wrong. She doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. I do. Ask me. Keeping this thought in mind the Knight jumps on his steed in search of new pastures where the grass is green. Forgetting the time gone by. He enters a new land. Beauty beholds and he falls in love instantly. He cries his heart out the next week to her and waits for her response. The lips part. He looks at them. They move to say something. But he is mesmerized my their movement and the words miss his ears. The last sentence gets registered though -"But... I have never seen you in that light."

P.S. - Please pass this on to all those who have been through this like this Knight - the brave son of a gun.

Blasphemy or Ignorance

When i visit a temple i know what i am doing. whom i am worshipping and also what the figures/statues signify/denote. But when i visit any other religious monument i am totally at a loss. Why is it that i don't know what to do? I know after all they are worshipping one form or the other of god. But somehow i can't put a finger to it. Lets face it. I know a lot about hindu mythology and all the gods you can find in a temple, i am well aware of them and who all they are and what all they have done. But i also know that Christ was the son of the God and christians worship the son and the god and the virgin mary the mother of Christ. They pray to the lord keeping him in mind and the cross as the sacred symbol.Atleast that is what i believe.

Prophet brought islam to the world and though i know they don't believe in idol worship but i really don't know what they do in a mosque. Yes they pray to the Prophet Mohammad. But since they don't use any idol then what form do they give their lord when the muslims worship? So if i went to a mosque who should i be praying to? When i see images of the Mecca i see the big black building. Somehow it is connected to the devil that is what i know though i am not very sure of it.

This brings me to gurudwaras. I faced my current dilemma on my recent trip to Amritsar and as expected there were gurudwaras galore. Each having its own significance and value. Each revered by one and all. But what i didn't know was that what i am praying to. Sikhs too i believe don't believe in idol worship and though Guru Nanak Dev did certainly bring sikhism to the world, he is not the one being worshipped. Its the Guru Granth Sahib that is worshipped in gurudwaras. I came to know about it only in Amritsar. There are different levels/floors where the priests read the holy book and people come and worship. But is Guru Granth Sahib or its copies is present in all the floors? If so what is the purpose of having the same holy book kept in different rooms in the same gurudwara?

If i look at a temple then yes i can say that all temples are same. No difference what so ever. But inside a particular temple you can find different gods which ahave separate chambers. There is a semblance of normalcy atleast i believe so. People visiting a temple can associate with what they see and know what they are worshipping. But is this because i am hindu and have been brought up by learning about the different gods? As far as i remmember i have never been taught about other religions in great detail.Whatever knowledge i have is from movies and stories off the net.

Personally i can say that i am not a religious person though i am spiritual. Which simply means that i believe in god from the bottom of my heart but i don't believe in religions and communalism. I believe that all religions talk about one god and that they in essence are just different methods people use to worship god in their own way. But a very important point i want to raise is that why is it that i don't have knowledge of all the religions that are practiced in the world. Why is it that it is left to us to know about other religions and no in depth education is given on this subject which is free of prejudice. Why is it that i don't know what is worshipped in different religions? Aren't we all worshipping the one common god? Can there be two gods - one for islam and one for christianity?

I may be treading on the lines of blasphemy here by what i am writing but i sincerely believe that like me there are millions perhaps billions of lost souls out there who have no idea of what they are worshipping or who their neighbours are worshipping. Why so much of ignorance? This i believe is the premier cause of why fundamental groups of different mindsets manipulate us as puppets and make us do things which we could never have dreamed of doing otherwise. Sentiments are very easy to exploit and blind sentiments at that are simply irrestible.

Is this the way to go? Is this how we should live?I know there is lot of preaching going on here which again matches with my overall demenour but i am disappointed in myself for being so ignorant.........

Elections are coming

Elections always bring in a sense of nostalgia in me. A sense of belonging, headiness and charm. Yes they are big. Bigger than anything the world could ever see. Bigger than Obama victory. Time for India to crown its chief again. I remember how 10 years ago when as kid i would wake up early for 3 consecutive days to watch the nos. unfold. The countdown had begun already. BJP leading here, Congress there, Third Front lagging there. All the excitement. All the debates. The fights. Man those were awesome days. Politics is something important to me and yes it should be to all of us.
After all these are the very people that are going to make rules and regulations for us. They are in a sense going to influence our lives. Why shouldn't we care. We should be more active i say. Time is with us to help fight the incumbents. The nation needs change. The era of coalition politics has hampered the growth which we want to see. My plea to all my countrymen is to bring in a party that has absolute majority. A single party heading the government can do wonders which we can only dream of.
Agreed it can work the ther way round too but our political system is not so weak to let it happen. It has stood the test of time and India even after 62 years of Independence has managed to survive and grow when no body believed it could. Inspite of all the troubles we have managed to surge. We must believe in ourselves. We ought to do what is right for the country. Rise above petty politics and take the decisions that will lead India on the path to success.
Trouble is brewing across our borders and it needs to be checked. The nation needs people who can deliver the goods. Who are strong willed to take actions. Who have a spine that is rigid. India needs leaders and we as the citizens should be able to give her that. After all that has been done for us it's time we did something for the nation. I am not asking you to fight. All i ask for is to get up and VOTE. Execise the one right the govt. actually wishes us to exercise.
Like i said earlier its time to reclaim your life, only now i would like to say it's time to RECLAIM YOUR NATION......Caste your ballot. PLEASE DO VOTE.

Happy Ending....????

Out on a moonlit night with your special someone by your side, you look deep into those mesmerizing eyes. (You are) searching for the answers to the questions haunting you for so long. Could it be? Have I found my one true love? The person I want to settle down with? Is this the love that everyone keeps talking about? You hold hands and smile. A satisfaction emerging from the knowledge that yes you have found what you have been looking for all along. No longer a simple crush, it is real and beautiful love. You believe deep inside your heart that your feelings are reciprocated.
With a sense of joy and elation, you take the plunge. The three most important words you will ever speak. The time you spent rehearsing them. Your heart is beating faster than normal today. You are nervous; bordering on the lines of terrified. You turn back from the brink. It is way too tough than you had imagined. But your strength regroups quickly. Pushing you forward again. You are worried about the outcome. What if the answer’s a no? You could lose your best friend. But if you don’t propose you might lose the love of your life.
Caught in the dilemma you are moving back and forth. The emotional backlash takes its toll on you and you give in. Throwing all inhibitions aside you make your move. Not knowing what to expect you say the three words. Five seconds pass and there is no response. You start panicking, ostracizing yourself for jeopardizing a wonderful friendship. Cursing for making the ill advised move. Ten seconds have passed by now and you break up in sweat. You turn your eyes back to your love and the expression nearly takes you out.
You see a smile, full of love and care. Your hopes rise. You see light at the end of the tunnel. You were not mistaken. You took the right step you feel, as you pat yourself on the back. The mouth opens to say something but closes right back. Choice of words at this point is very important. The lips part again, mesmerizing you with their slow movement.
Words start coming out, but you don’t understand them. It takes you some time to establish what is being said. An apology is being given, you think. Unable to make any sense of what’s going on you try hard to concentrate. Then the words sink in. Your effort, your love have been rejected. You were never looked at from that angle you hear. You were, are and always will be the best friend. Shattered to the bone you try to regroup. This has been more than a shock. You were certain that you were not alone, that your feelings were reciprocated.
But it was not to be. No amount of consoling could help you. You are stricken with grief. Friendship is intact though. You look around yourself. Ironically, all you see is couples in love. You ask why, why you were rejected. No answer could help you though and you know it. You move away taking up time to think. There was one error in your judgment that now seems pretty clear – You were expecting too much. You were expecting the same status that you had provided in your life. You were expecting love in return of love. A glaring flaw that was overlooked in the moments of excitement and anticipation.
Crestfallen you accept your fate. After all you tried. But what to do now? Do you still continue as before? Do you act as if nothing has happened? Can you? Can you stand the pain day in and day out? All the questions bombard you from everywhere. What should be your next step? You think of searching for a new person in your life. Somebody, you can have everything you had planned for with. But even while you search, you can’t figure out a way to let go of the past. It still props up to haunt you. You are sad and irritable because of it.
Then reckoning dawns and you try the formula you had always preached. You let go of the thing you love. If it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t it never was. You wait impatiently for that call/message. Nothing happens. You are dumbstruck. All this while it was you probably who was clinging on. You were the one making the items roll. This reality seems a harder blow than the previous one. You take it in your stride though. You move away thinking it’s for the best. Feeling betrayed you turn skeptical even hostile. You believe you will find love someday but you know you won’t fall for it as easily (as you did his time). You will be cautious. You will be ………… careful.

A Tribute

Recently i saw two wonderful movies, both of contrasting style and setting but both of them had a theme in common..depicting the human misery in different situations under different circumstances. Both you can say have left a lasting impression on me and made me think and believe in life a lot more than i used to. We crave for happyness in our lives, we yearn for money,freedom,love and everything else that anybody can want. Woefully ignorant of others we throw a tantrum whenever we are not given what we want. We never stop to thank the people who have given us so much over the years. We still need more, want more. We say wee have faced and known the worst and nothing can be compared to what we have been through. I too am one of the group i agree, I can't deny it.

But having seen those two movies that day irealsied how lucky and fortunate i really am. Whatever i saw in those movies was something i could relate to. It was something i knew could very well be true somewhere or the other in this world and going on quietly with no one knowing about it. I'm talking about Khuda Ke Liye & Pursuit of Happyness. Two wonderfully made films with sound screenplay and strong performances. I was left speechless after both of them. The struggle of women in this world especially in the name of religion and the very ideology of arms before peace that is being followed in the world today leaves me shattered. Whatever i saw on the screen might be actually happening to somebody at this moment. To live through like this is not an easy task. Days passing by you wonder whether living like this is better or maybe suicide a better option. I don't know if i will be able to answer that question because frankly i have had it pretty easy till now with everyone around me always ready to protect me. I shudder at the thought of that bastard selling his daughter to save his image in community, something he never cared for all his life. If fathers can be so devillish who needs the devil himself on earth. I pray for the souls of the people undergoing such misery today and wish they find a better life next time around as this one is totally ruined.

Coming to the second movie Pursuit....a powerful performance by Will Smith have to agree. He is one guy who has grown in respect in my eyes with his every single career move. Having seen and listened to him since his days of Fresh Prince of Belair, I always regarded him as much of a comic who would not be able to deliver the goods when it came to drama simply because he was so good at comedy and i couldn't see him in any other role. But surprise surprise, he came out all trumps with a soulful and moving performance of a man battling life for a chance of survival in a city where he has so many responsibilites and not a dime to pay for them. Sleeping in trains at night with his 5 yr old son on his lap or spending the night in a station toilet as they don't have money to rent a room. From there acing an exam for stock broking and finally living a life he has wanted to live for so long. That shows the grit and determination of that individual to face the reality and the responsibilities head on and not bowing to the pressure. Going through everyday life with his head held high and not letting anyone know even a grain of his hardships and troubles is something truly commendable. I don't have to look far for an example here ladies and gentlemen as it is a true life story of Chris Gardner. I salute that man for all the pain he has been through and still come out on top when everybody around him didnt give him any chance.

These movies have showed how hard life can be on you and how best can you cope with it, without complaining, without whinning but by simply taking evrything in stride and moving on to what you can do to make the situation better. I can honestly say that whenever i'm sad the next time kin life i can look back upon the people i have seen here and honestly say to myself to shut up and carry on you are far better off than them. Life has been good to us all i think. Its just that we don't know when to say enough. We always want more, nothing can suppress our want or quell our thirst for it. But wouldn't life be a lot simpler a lot easier if we just stopped for a moment to think for others who are much worse off and who actually are in need of pure Happiness

Butchers,Barbarians,Robbers-The story of Nehru/Gandhi Dynasty

Well the events of past week have certainly given my thoughts a new dimension.Till now i was oblivious to the truth,to what has happened but now after having learnt it all i must say im sick,sick of wat these ppl have done and are doin to this lovely country of ours.They have EXISTED for more than 100 years.

But during this time they have used all their strength to ruin this country of ours.The extended British Rule,they didnt want the british to leave(asking for dominion status).Had it not been for Bhagat Singh's call for full Independence we might not have seen the light of day for the next 15-20 yrs.After that the partition,the strife caused which is haunting us to this day.The greed for power by the Clan/dynasty in Indian Politics has brought one of the biggest mistakes committed in the world.

The over zealous mother who needed all the power all the time and couldn't let her own son take the limelight,result son murdered.The slow reaction to every terror strike,every infiltration bid,hell they even let a former PM assassinated,one of their own family just like his brother.What do we hear now that the very conspirator and the accused has been granted Life term from Death Sentence on a mercy petition filed by none other than the man's wife.What have they not done to stay in power.They have killed their own kin let alone the others they killed to ensure their success.

I ask you today what has Congress in its 123 yrs of existence ever done for India except ruin the nation once so glorious and made it to be ranked amongst the lowly of nations in the world.The sheen,splendour gone.Looted away by none other than the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty that has ruled India for a Century now(almost).They are the perfect allies for everry terror outfit in the world and god knows when the innocent people of this country will wake up and see what these bloody butchers have done to them,their fellow country men and to this nation, once called the THE GOLDEN BIRD.

Is There Any Good Left

As days go by i feel myself moving away from things i have cherished for so long.Growing up is tough and seeing things around you change has a dramatic effect on you.It can totally change you or your outlook towards life.World as wee know it today has changed a lot from say a decade ago and it will continue to change in the coming years.But at israpid change i'm feeling lost and wondering what is actually going on.People are not what they used to be.No more friendliness(let alone friends),no more senstivity.It saddens me that we humans as a race are treading on a path which will only result in pain,suffering,bitterness,hatred and the likes.
Today when i see around and listen/read news all i can hear about is Assault, Robbery, Rape, Murder, Bribery etc..What is this?I know that these have existed in the human society for centuries if not ages but what depresses me the most is the increased no. of such incidents that we come across in our daily lives today and added to that is the age of the culprits & the victims involved.It seems like the "Young Generation" of today (I'm involved too, I know) has stopped caring about the results of their actions.I somehow feel they don't know why they are doing this even.There is just some unseen hand guiding them through these events like the angels of Hell working their magic to lead this race to a premature end.
There is so much vileness today that I have begun to wonder that is ther any thing good left in this world?Is there anywhere on this planet something good that we can look forward to, to change our lives,make the situation better?I believe there is.I think there is something that the world can hang on to, that there is still some good left in these dark times and will continue to be there but only getting tougher and tougher to find.Now i don't say do this or do that or you are doing wrong or right.All i am saying is that whatever it is that you are planning to do or the action you are planning to take, think about it and see whether you would like to see something similar done to you or your family.If the answer to that question is Yes then my friends there is nothing on this earth that should stop you from doing it but if its a No then you needn't look beyond yourself for restrain.
So with this thought in mind I'm signing off today with many things left unsaid but yet i hope undertood...............tc & God Bless Us All

Just a Little Unwell

Well i know that this is not an original scrip but i can't help it this song is so close to my heart and aptly describes my life so far with very few moments outside the purview of the lyrics here...so here it is UNWELL by MatchBox 20

All day, Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night, Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on, I'm feeling like
I'm headed for aBreakdown, I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me

Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know, I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me, Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow, I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be