What to do?

Only a week or so ago i was wondering, thinking to myself, hey I haven't written a sad article for quite some time. I was missing the darkness, the sombreness that is normally associated with my sad articles. The usual monologue cribbing and whining about what all is wrong with this pathetic little non existence called my life. The heavy overdose of self criticism and the outpouring of unusual grief as to why nothing is what i want it to be in my life. The kind of article that makes the intestines of all those who read it, twist and writhe in pain and agony over the mundane and sadistic article. Yes i have been criticised time and again for all the sad articles i have written and even yelled at by few, but i know deep inside this black heart of mine that whatever comes out is how i feel at that moment. At that particular point in time and space I'mfeeling cringy and aggravated enough to spew out the venom from inside my body and soul in the form of an article.

I have also time and again doubted my skills as a writer and time and again been told to not think about it, but me being me can't do that. So again and again i spend my time analyzing and criticizing myself over what i have written using none of the flashy vocabulary and wonderful imagination that i have seen others display so effortlessly. I know i can't write that way as one i don't have a good vocab and second my mind which in itself is a topsy turvy landscape doesn't let a thought process run its full course. So at times what i usually end up with, is only a shadow of what i wanted to write with the most ineffective use of the millions of words present in the English dialect.

Which brings me to the point as to why i am writing this article in the first place. Today i am having that sinking feeling again. I am feeling nauseated and crushed as if wind has been knocked right out of lungs. I have that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach which no antibiotic (probably not the right word but what the heck) can cure. I know people know me inside out and they'll understand what i want to say and to whom it is directed. I don't mean to cast any aspersions and i don't blame anyone for how I'm feeling right now as it has to do with me. As far as i see i am one of the chief reasons for all this bickering that currently goes on in my life. Never trying to look at positive things and instead always complaining and demanding, i take myself through all this again and again.

But every cloud has a silver lining, so they say and i think i have one too. I have the inordinate capacity to assimilate all inside me. I have the ability to take it all, dish out some and soon forget all about it. Take now for instance. I was sad and cribby some time ago and that got me writing this article, but now I'm not cribby. Yes a tinge of sadness does remain, but that too will soon wash away. I can take it in my stride and move forward. But the problem is, to where? I might be easy to forgive and difficult to forget but where does that leave me. It leaves me standing at the intersection again, walking the same path i had treaded some time ago and on which i had cursed myself to never walk again. But alas, me being me won't have any of it. All my giant ego which has burned quite a few relations and hurt a few others always abandons me at the right moment.

After all what has this ego ever brought me? Nothing important as far as i remember. In fact it has been the reason for many of my pain filled days. Yet i have clung on to it in the name of self esteem, clamoring after its non-existent virtues. What good is my ego then? One answer that does come to my mind is that it prevents me from any major pain that i might have to go through later on in life. That seems logical doesn't it? To prevent myself from a great amount of pain i willingly take on small amount of pain and miss out on small amount of happiness as well. Logic doesn't run in the family though I'm running after that too. All in all this was a good experience i would say, for me at least in as much that i got hold of myself a bit and am not in a foul mood anymore. So should i be feeling happy now? Guess I'll have to wait for something else to happen in order to answer that......