Death

One Two Three...stand back. Again, one two three...... No we will not give up. Again................ All the time the sirens of the ambulance constantly blaring in the background as the vehicle moves through the traffic to take the victim to the hospital. Luck plays a major role if they manage to get to the hospital on time. But even hen the patient loses his fight against time and all that is left is a one big heap of mass. Loved by many, cherished by some and might even hated by few. But fact is all the feelings come to nought when the angels of darkness come calling, taking away the life given so measurably by the lord.

I admit, my tryst with writing (disregarding my earlier attempts at it when i was in school) began with a poem where i was famously courting death. I did so to make it interesting, to add up the spice. I wasn't serious at all about it when i wrote that, probably because i was only 18 at that point of time. It was more fun oriented than anything else. But over the years, life and time have taught me things that would surely make it imprudent to make fun of death. It's the living reality that all of us know about but surely never admit.

Death can take away people you considered closest, people you loved the most, people you cared for, people you respected, people you wanted to have in your life and some even you never cared for to begin with. But this doesn't mean that you are not bothered by the outcome. You are because you are good souls. You feel the pain when you see the urchins begging, the deformed kids trying to walk with their heads held high, the forces of nature crashing down on helpless individuals, the suffering that is so evident everywhere around us. You see and feel all that. Death has its own way of showing things to people, to make them understand the reality.

I have seen it very closely albeit only 2-3 times. Losing family members everytime and one a very near miss. Sure it hurts like hell. Having the wind sucked out of you in a jiffy. Initially you fall into a pit of disbeleif. How can it be true? There must be some mistake. As if death would have asked you before it came knocking. Although it should have you feel, but that's not how reality transpires, does it? 

Each time i lost somebody, i made up an excuse. It's better they died as the place is no longer worth living. They were facing so many problems. It's better they are far from it now and the likes. I was never troubled by death as such. I had always taken it as part of life and moved on. But it does sting for some time. In my case that time has always been short lived. To this i sometimes feel that i might just be heartless. A heart devoid of any emotions. One who cares only for worldly pleasures and not the real things that matter - emotions. I don't know how i'll be judged in the court of the lord but i am very confused by what i should or should not do in such situations.

Death makes life seem so short. Anything can happen to you at any time. You have zero control over it. Then why the hell are we fighting for that inch of space, salary, land, feelings etc? Why?Why are we running like fools after something that's non existent to begin with?Why are throwing away our lives? Simly because its simpler this way. The hard way of meditation and spiritualism doesn't have the zing and the bling that we crave for always. I know all this is run of the mill stuff and anybody under the sun can write it and yeah probably you have heard all this a million times in your life but what can i do, if something so shocking happens you are bound to feel the aftershocks albeit for a short time (in my case that is).

I guess the strength of character comes up when you face this situation face up and stand up to the demands of emotions always putting up a brave face. That's what character really is. Standing tall in adversity. Not letting situations bog you down and moving forward to defeat the demons of pain. 

I am grieved today by the loss of a person i didn't even knew. I only knew the girl who knew the person. I don't even know the guys full name, yet i am disturbed. The boy meant the world to the girl and the girl is a very good friend of mine. So in this pseudo friendship of sorts, i am grieving. Funny, yes if you want to have a look at the lighter side of it. But it all boils down to what are we here for? When there is nothing in our hands then what are we here for? We can't control where we are born. We can't control how we're born. We can't control how we are going to die. We can't control when we're going to die. Then what are we doing? I am not a spiritual guru and i can't answer that question. But i somehow feel that we are in this world simply to determine what we'll become in the next................ 

P.S. - An ode to you dear, you know i know that you'll pull through this time (you have already begun on that path).

IPL

"It's big, it's going, it's out of the park for a DLF Maximum. Boy that man can hit some pretty big ones. 100 metres the distance it travelled. You're absolutely right my friend, that wasn't a bad ball either. Just goes to show what power this man has and the timing." Something you would have heard a hundred times over the las fortnight. As the second season of IPL currently going on in South Africa moves into the second phase, the cricket buffs across the country and quite possibly the world are not complaining. The excitement of last ball finishes along with the total domination of 100 runs victory, everything keeps you glued to the seat in front of the idiot box for a full 3.5 hrs.

Lalit Modi engineered this mega event last year was a run away success beating competition at the box office by more than a mile (figuratively). This year too after the hiccups the event has got going and brought out some good surprises in terms of the teams leading and lagging behind in the pack. This money crunching machine, pitting individuals of the same national team against each other. Such is the prfessionalism in the players that even while playing against old friends they are thinking of the team's interests first. That or maybe the money that his being doled out is making the choices for them. Eitherway, this mix and match of nationalities and personalities and charactes has surely brought the playing teams closer.

The event commands a world wide audience and is well appreciated in all parts of the cricketing universe making it a true global event next to only the World cup. But among all this craze for cricket and the excitement over the shrtest form of game (so far), there is something else running around hidden from the view. That is the brains and the management of BCCI - Board of Control of Cricket in India. The men behind this gamut of frenzy, the real men who thought up this event. The ones who eked out the details. The guys who brought in the money. Everyone has done a stupendous job to take the game to an all time high level. Agreed T20 attracts more viewership than other forms of the game and thus is bound be more successful/profitable. Still as they say in cricket you have to put away the bad ball to make it count. Same goes for this.

The men shrewd in their planning knew what they were doing and what they wanted. Now that is a sign of good management. People with brains putting them to good use and milking the oppurtunity that presented itself when India won the T20 worldcup. This sort of idea does make you wonder, whether this can be incorporated in some other game or can this be helful elsewhere. Hockey was a step ahead in this when they launched the Hockey Premier League 3 years ago, but low popularity of the sport made the event a non starter. No wonder the national game is in the ruin. Compared to cricket where India hasn't done a lot to make the nation proud, Hockey in the past has brought in huge laurels. Slowly that populartity was lost and predictably the national game had to move aside to lend the centrestage to something else. In this cricket crazy nation (much like football is to England) the day starts and ends with some or the other piece of cricketing action being viewed across the country.

Sure enough it's cricket that is hitting the headlines even as the largest democracy in the world dances to the tunes of election. Political parties crying their hearts out but to no avail as voter turn out remains dismal at 50%. Yet the viewership for the IPL matches remains high enough at around 70%. People having no interest in cricket too find time to watch a few overs but somehow to go out and vote is a big problem for them. Yes elections are for their country this time and not the state or the municipality for that matter (I doubt if people even know that we vote for the municipality too). Even the cinema halls are not running any new releases. IPL has hit every other business hard. Yet no one is complaining. Why should they? It'll be over in another fortnight or so and lives will be back to normal.

People will move on to other cricket matches, movies, studies, jobs etc. and IPL memories might just be lost in all the din. The only thing that will be running about IPL would be the coffers of BCCI with Lalit Modi sitting on a pile of cash and smiling like The Lord Buddha..........

I'm Back - But To What?

Seems like my punchline for the day. Yes i have been going around saying this line over and over again today. Where am i back from - I am back from Srinagar and the valley of Kashmir. A wonderful trip of 6 long days. Gardens, flowers, mountains, snow, horses, mountains, trees, snow. It was all breathtaking. Just too good to say the least. A trip which i sure would never have made myself and was coaxed into only by my sis - the livewire in the family. But it was a wonderful trip nevertheless even with all the security concerns. Just goes to show what some illogical persons can do to a wonderful place. The valleys were awesome, the snow covered mountains too. The majestic view of the Himalayas was by far the best thing i had seen as a nature lover. Predictably we went around clicking shots at very nook and corner much to the annoyance of mom and bro. 

To begin with the gardens of Srinagar are so very beautiful. Too many variety of flowers and fountains running through the centre. Set up in the Mughal era these really make the valley heaven on earth. Then the snow covered rads and mountains of Sonmarg. I had never seen so much ice and snow before. Mountains fully cloaked in a white dress so pure. The sleigh ride down from the mountain top at full speed, bouncing over the edges and the brakes applied making it a fantastic experience. Then came the valley of Pahalgam. Taking the horses to reach the clearance in the midst of the valley. Gulmarg came and along came rain to spoil the fun. Shikara ride on the magnificent dal lake was also an experience to have. 

Bidding adieus to the valley we moved to Patnitop where another chilly day awaited us. Nathu top with the Pir Panjal range on one side and the Himalayas on the other with chiily winds blowing was again breathtaking. Ride to Udhampur and the ride back home on the train was also a great journey. So I'm back home after 6 days of winter break in the midst of summer. Back to our very own Delhi-15. Back to the rigours of office, back to the facilities of phone and internet. Back amongst the group of friends i am soon going to lose. Back to the sweltering heat of Delhi. Back to the same tensions and travails. Back to the same pollution and noise. Back to a lot many things.

But do i want all this? After the experience of a lifetime in the past 6 days. What a wasteful life we must be living in right. Sadly the lifetime experience is too heavy on the pocket to sustain for long. So in the end..running out of options we have to settle for saaddi dilli. I love Delhi make no mistake about it. I have lived here all my life. I love travelling through it everyday. I love the trees and the well maintained roads. I love almost everything about it. But there is also the negative aspect to it. I love being in touch with my phone and internet again. But doesn't that make my life mundane as before - doing the same old tasks. 

Soon my group of 5 - The Famous five some may call us will break up. People moving to greener pastures. My best friend of past 7 years will finally move away. Sure i'm happy he is moving to a great new place but i am also selfishly sad for having to let these guys go. My fun time spoilt and lost by my own deeds nonetheless. I would have loved to join last year itself. This year too would have been great. Guess it might not be written for me. The peaceful nature and the noiselessness of the valley quickly lost on the noise filled streets here. The trip now remains as a part of the memory that is captured in the photographs. 

So taking all this and a few other things in mind i ask again - What am I back to?

HOPE

You got to have faith/hope. Many songs/poems have been written on this theme. Virtues of hope are abound in nature. Everyone keeps on harping on faith and hope as the medium of future. "Look for a better future. Have faith and hope and things will turn out differently," so say a lot of people. People in every walk of life live everyday by this thread of hope for someting better than today. I too have time and again sliced off my favourite dialogue,"Hope pe duniya kayam hai." Guess there is a lot of faith in the very funda of faith and hope amongst the masses today, probably more than there ever was. But does hope really help?

I don't want to tread on the lines of blasphemy here. I know many people live their life on hope alone. But still my mind races to question the effectiveness of hope. How can faith and hope be helpful? Is it not just another way to avoid looking at the reality? Foolishly developing a non existent atmosphere where everything in your or someone else's life will be perfect. Can it really be helpful? Emotionally, yes. Hope lets you play with your emotions. Masking the reality. Conceiling it from your eyes.

You must be wondering why this tirade suddenly against something as pure as hope. Has this guy gone crazy? Well to allay your fears, no i have not gone crazy. No i have not turned a pessimist. No I'm not sad. No i'm not disturbed. In my continuous endeavour for self introspection and trying to learn about myself by delving into the past, i have come across certain instances in  life that have made me question the theatrics of hope. These instances have compelled me to think about hope in a different manner. Let me make one thing clear here. I have been the biggest supporter of having hope as a means to sustaining life. 

Case1: Cards - Infatuation leading to the eternal losses. 

My love for cards has compelled me time and again to play and play for money and further increasing the amount everytime i play. This keeping in mind that i don't have luck factor in life. Luck is never on my side. Still in the eternal feeling of hope, i played everytime hoping to get lucky someday and bag a big hand someday. Hoping continuously to win big. But i lost more each and everytime. Hope made me bankrupt and the butt of a lot of jokes. 

Case 2: Girlfriend

Never had a girlfriend in my life. Had a few friends who are girls but never was in a relationship. Got lucky once. Developed a close and good friend. One who understood me. Who didnt't treat me like others. Who I thought really cared for me. But alas, there too luck was not by my side. She already had a boyfriend. But she never took me as boyfriend material. I was always the FRIEND. But i hung on in a hope that someday she would realise my true love and accept my love. Hope was what that kept me going. Hope that someday she will be mine. Alas, i had to swallow the bitter pill that she can never be mine. 

Case3: Education

The most important thing in my life has been a good education. I had always considered myself a strong contender for an MBA degree. That is why year after year i have appeared for entrances and banking on hope,luck,hardwork to get me through. I never doubted my abilities and skills. Always thinking of hope as my sole support to tide me through. But here too luck deserted me time and again. After 4 years of struggle, I am left high and dry by my hope and the ephemeral luck. 

What all of this has brought me to understand is that hope actually can not be that helpful. Destiny is what makes things happen. Its the destiny that decides the future and the present for an individual. Hope plays a very miniscule part here. But then why do we bank upon it? Why do we favour it so much? Why do we give so much importance to it? Apart from emotional value does hope include anything else? But then can we do without hope? Confused state i am in. Knowing nt what to think. Past leads me to believe the fruitlessness of hope but my heart pulls me towards it time and again. What should i do? What can i do? HOPE i can get some answers.........

LIFE SUCKS

LIFE SUCKS.....yes mine. Time and again I have come out to whine about how things in my life have never gone according to plan and I am left broken and shattered by the turn of events. Yes people may not like this attitude of mine and my constant cribbing but what am I to do? Things right from the time I remember have never happened the way I would have liked them to happen. The perennial shortage of friends that I could call my FRIENDS has been a major stumbling block. The oh so necessary education has always come with a rider. Not knowing what to do with what I have got. The lack of interest people have shown in me as if they are standing next to a statue. The need to have that special someone by your side. Whether you want to share your joy or your sorrow. All of this and much more that I have yearned/craved for but never got.

People might say that this is a familiar story, what’s new about you? Well I am not here to contest an election and decide who has the saddest life. I am here to write about my own travails. I am here to ask why the hell am I always on the short end of the stick? To this again people would say, grow up. Take it in your stride and move forward. We haven’t got all day to sit and listen to your sobs. But the twists in life don’t seem to end for me. It’s not that all of the pain and disappointments have happened at once in my life. I have had moments of peace and calm in between and been happy during those times. But time and again these situations arise that just knock the wind out of me.

I know that you have to accept what you get at times and learn to live with it. I know how to that. In fact that’s probably what I have been doing all my life. But my problems arise when an already bad situation deteriorates further. I might have accepted my fate. I might have taken it in my stride and moved on. But then something happens that takes the things to a new low and me along with it. I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach where it feels that all I’m going to do is throw up.

Why does it happen to me? Why when I have shaken hands with destiny does providence come knocking and takes me straight to hell. It’s not in one area of life that I have problems with. If that would have been the case, I would have thought differently. But since these problems exist in all the domains I am beginning to feel heavy. I don’t know if I have the strength left in me to face these situations anymore. This continuous sapping of energy from my reserves is continuously eroding my inner strength.

Why? Why? I can’t seem to put a finger on why am I constantly facing these problems. Why things never look up for me and when they do, why they always change for the worse. Things changing for the better are something I haven’t experienced as yet. Why the people around me whom I value so much (you would have no idea how much) always go out of their way (unknowingly mostly) to cause that extra bit of pain. Have I wronged them in any way? Have I hurt them in some way that I don’t know and for which they are hurting me back?

All these questions are hanging around my head and I have no idea what their answer can be. I wrote in an earlier article that music is one friend that can never harm me. I got a comment that this is a wrong statement. But now writing this article, taking a line from THE WRESTLER – “its out here that I get hurt not inside the ring,” I can be 100% sure when I say it’s the people as FRIENDS that are always the real cause of pain in life………………