Epilogue

Another chapter in my life draws to a close as i prepare to spend the last of my days in this MBA institute. Have been through a lot of different circumstances, experienced gloom, sadness, happiness and complete ecstasy. I have never been fond of studying and i felt the pain again after 4 years of working when i had to prepare for all the exams, quizzes and presentations. To top it all, having to stay awake in classes was a big problem. I still remember being caught sleeping 4 times by the same prof in the first term itself. No wonder i was nicknamed SOTI.... :) (though it came about on the rural immersion trip). I knew staying awake would be a problem but i guess i crossed all limits during these two years :)

Before coming to Indore, I had heard a great deal from different people about the quality of food and different delicacies you can find here. I was excited no doubt but I was hugely disappointed as apart from a few places rest had nothing special about them. Don't know if i could call a particular dish made better in this town than anywhere else but yes i can get almost everything available here in every other place. Moreover, mess food as expected  was useless and I spent almost 3 days a week eating outside. All the time going to only one place near the institute whose every dish includes cheese and sometimes only cheese. Result: Zero bank balance but inflated tummy till the point it started looking shameful :(((

My life here has revolved around a lot of TV series and movies. The fact that there aren't any places to hang out in this town (refraining from calling it a city) has only helped in the despair that surrounds whenever the point of 'going out' is discussed. There is nothing you can do in your free time and this sense of wastefulness really gets to you day by day. Although we do have a 3 month old sports complex operational in the campus, i have never gotten around to make full use of it and i accept that it is inertia on my part that is responsible. Still it counts for little when all you can do is go to a mall, roam around (as u can't shop with zero bank balance) and come back.

One thing i have done in these two years is learn more about human behavior. I have gotten to know a lot more about how people are/can be. I have always known that no one is your own and there are some motives attached always but coming face to face with some has not been a pleasant experience. All my life i have found a couple of friends that i could call my own-those i can count on no matter what and those who know what I'm going through by just reading my words. Sadly, though I've failed to find those here. I mean yes they are good friends but not all weather friends. Those who know me also know that i don't get angry or sad easily when it comes to people around me but if i look at myself today, I'm not so sure. There seems a pain inside me that refuses to go away no matter what i do. I hate being like this but i guess i feel a sense of betrayal that i have not experienced ever and this is what is probably hurting the most. People told me how these two years would be the most exciting years of my life and yes i know couple of you reading this would call me the cribber (like always) but i would definitely not agree that these were the best years of my life. 

Without getting into specifics i would say that i was a sort of a misfit for this program. Many times i thought about why i am here and what i can accomplish. These self-doubts exist even today but i guess they've quietened down since last week. To be honest, I ain't actually proud of anything i did in the two years i have spent here. Looking back, i see how different things could have been and yes given a chance I would love to go back and change a couple of them. Maybe then i wouldn't feel the way I'm feeling right now......

Casting Out The Demons!!

Looking back at all the things i have written from my shaiyari to my poems and now to my articles, i have come to realize one thing - I am a lousy writer. There are some efforts i do like but they constitute a very small part of the crap i have dished out over the years. Come to think of it, i have forced my friends to read all of it. So if you are reading this and thought the same way, i am truly sorry. I always believed that penning your thoughts is all that matters. The words should flow and the content would take shape no matter what. That's what happens always. I start writing something and then without thinking where it is heading, i simply keep adding random words to try and make sense but mainly to fill up space. That is probably why most of my writings are loquacious. 

I have many times recounted the pain i have been through in my articles and poems and have been scolded by one and all to cheer up. But sadly, it is when i am sad that the best works come out. If i'm writing in a jovial mood, it usually is pretty idiotic. Tragically, i can''t seem to find words to write anything meaningful every time i feel sad. So this has made me wonder, what it will take to write something good. Does it have to be physical pain or emotional. If the latter then of what kind? An analysis of the past shows that love has got something to do with it. It is the heart burn, the pain inside that tears one apart which causes something good to come out. I believe i'm right as that what great artists too like to say. I recently saw 'Rockstar' the hindi movie and was impressed with how the protagonist was able to take pain and translate into soulful music. 

It's a movie and we are made to believe that is what some would say but i disagree. I think the concept holds merit. I'm no rockstar but i know how inspiring pain can be. How it can  let you push your limits and bring out the best along with the worst. The anger and the hate manifest themselves in different forms that are borne by those near to us. The pain however, manifests itself into art. That's how the wheels of life keep moving. Not all  music, poems, art are filled with pain though and yes the artist can be in a good mood to produce a masterpiece but i am sure that no. won't be a large one. I have used it as one to write some well written though uninspiring articles while getting mad at my family for no reason at all.

All this analysis has brought one interesting fact forward i.e. how i am able to calm myself down by writing or listening to music. I believe it is because these media allow me to express the real me unafraid, unabashed and quite vocal. Away from the scorching eyes and the comments, they allow me to be me. They are not just an expression but a part of me. That is why i feel it important for others to accept my choice of music and my writings. That is why i want them to read my articles as in a weird way i'm looking for acceptance. Some may call it dramatic but i guess i'll settle for artistic. True the portion of art is hugely limited but the point is delivered I guess. So as i wrap up this article and send it across for my friends to read, I am sure i will hear a chuckle or two but largely it would be overlooked. But that is fine with me as it has been a learning experience nonetheless for me.

Divided India

I wasn't planning on writing on this page today. In fact it wasn't even on my mind. Browsing through FB i caught hold of some blog by a girl and started reading it (I don't know anything about the girl). After reading her article which i found to be quite inflammatory, i thought i'd comment but then I looked at the 227 comments already there. I again thought that this must be an old article that's why the high no of comments but then i see that the first comment was posted only 2 days ago. So i started reading a few comments and they were people expressing their views either towards the author or a community or others. To be very frank i wanted to comment on how i feel that what has been written is all wrong and how could anybody post something like that and that the author should go check out her own backyard before commenting on others etc. etc. But then being me i couldn't bring myself to write something that's just gonna get washed away in the barrage of comments the page is getting.
However, i couldn't stop myself from posting my 2 cents on the discussion (though i didn't take names or any sides). This prompted me to take a look at my own blog and what's going on and i see that my last entry got only 1 comment :(. Now i know that there are other biases at play and yeah probably my writing or for that matter my choice of topics is not as impressive. So i read my last 2-3 articles and came across one that i wrote on hate. I had mentioned how people in general usually don't hate stuff (though they might say so) but they tend to highly dislike it. I had built my prose on the promise that hate is a very strong feeling and you need to be hurt really bad to hate somebody or something. But going through the webpage and the comments mentioned on that webpage i realized that what i wrote was from my perspective and it would be folly to generalize it.
The content was highly degrading, immature and self centered to say the least and it made me sad to know that a literate (not educated mind you) girl could have expressed such ostentatious comments which clearly reek of high levels of irresponsibility. At this point i would like to mention that we say we are one nation and that everyone is a proud Indian, but I don't think that's true. We are a nation as recognized by the world and tried to accomplish by the Britishers during their reign but sadly we are still a lot of small pockets of people following a particular theme or way of life secluded from everything else. The only point perhaps we can say we are one nation and that we stand together in unity is an India-Pakistan cricket match. Makes you feel sad doesn't it. Many would call this as unity in diversity but my friends we do not have unity. Cracking jokes and taking potshots in a good humorous manner are all  acceptable but that is not the case when you go talk to people about such stuff.
What you get if you have the courage to dig deeper is complete sense of ignorance, condescension, disregard and at many times, pure hate. Be it how people from north term anything below Maharashtra as south or people from the southern states calling everybody above Maharashtra as Punjabis, we have to acknowledge the fact that there is hardly any respect these days among people for each other. This divide based on region, caste, religion, social status etc is really appalling and it then  makes me sad to hear the words one nation, one country from the same people who practice all this. Yes i'm talking about stereotypes and eliminating them from our lives might be impractical if not impossible, agreed. But do we really need to hate somebody just because they come from a particular region or speak in a particular way? These issues have existed with us even before the Mughal rule. India then too was conglomeration of small kingdoms fighting among themselves to gain few pieces of land and it still is.
Now, is there someone to blame for the mess we are currently? Yes lots and lots of people, but how do you individually attribute the cause to them? I mean, how can you tell Aurangzeb that he ruined the good work done by Akbar (in some respects though) in soothing out Hindu-Muslim relations? Or for that matter, today's political bigwigs for failing to address this rot. Fact is, you know things could be better and you want them to be but nobody is willing to take the next step. Status-quo is what people want and don't want to be bothered with anything although it seems a fairly decent discussion topic over tea and chips. People seem to have lost hope in the system and just want to live as per their own wishes. Coming back to the article in question, i feel that the author acted irresponsibly in allowing her post which might be considered inflammatory to be spread around like a media campaign. Motives can be questioned and failure to take any notice of the deterioration in the discussion on the topic is unpardonable.
So this reinforces my point that we live in a divided India with people not ready to accept other people's existence and always following regionalism, casteism, communalism etc. Words can't begin to describe the dismay i feel right now. We talk about inclusive growth and growing economy and growing literacy rates but what good is all that if we don't get educated? By educated i mean learning to know what is right and what is wrong. This concept if  applied to all aspects of our life can transform an entire generation if not the nation and that would be a huge achievement. I know i'm being idealistic here and being a professor of practicality it goes against my nature but seeing the woeful condition of affairs i am begging for it all to at least slow down and take a break. After all where will this hatred take us? Will we in 20 years time end up as 30 odd independent nations? A frightful thought but a possibility nonetheless. Is there anything we can/must do?
I request all the readers of this article to think over this thought and ponder on where we are heading. If in anyway you agree with me, please spread the word and try to be a countryman first before being a region/religion/caste strong man. Please lets change the way we think.....................

Hate

Hate is a very strong word. Somebody must have wronged you or someone you love very bad for you to develop such a feeling. There is a big difference between you not liking something and you really hating it. There are many things that one may not like but hate is something different, something what the jihadis have for India or Palestine for Israel. So if you get a measure of what i am trying to say then you would appreciate the fact that it is something very personal and emotional. I know many of you feel that i 'hate' almost everything but actually its more like not liking those things and there are very few things i actually hate. I don't like any good thing that happens for the people/things i hate and i cringe at the very thought of such things and you can say i hate those people who promote such things. So where am i going with all this? Today i want to talk about the thing i hate on God's green earth.
Throughout its more than 130 years of existence Congress party of India has been the single major political force in the country and still remains a fierce opponent. But if we take a look at the years of rule the country has spent under them then it paints a sad story. Had it not been for the heroics of the revolutionaries under Azad, Bhagat Singh and others (sadly whose name i can't remember) we would have been under the british rule for another 25 years. After independence, Nehru let the democratic system to rot to such an extent that corruption became another word for bureaucracy. No wonder the biggest scams and controversies always involve a congress leader or a strong ally. Bofors (64 crores), JMM bribery case, Madhu Koda (4000 crores), Sharad Pawar's food scam, Commonwealth 2010 (30000 crores unofficially), 2G scam (>1 lakh crores) and countless others that probably have not come to light. Sadly though all are yet to be proven in the court of law Each one where the country lost its millions to Swiss bank accounts.
If corruption was not enough decisions of the leaders in power have scarred the nation for the worst. Be it Nehru for rejecting UNSC permanent seat, supposed creation of LTTE by Rajiv Gandhi, still to be judged massacre of sikhs by Tytler, emergency declaration by Indira Gandhi, reported atrocities by Sanjay Gandhi etc. One great leader once said that all congress wants is to stay in power, they don't care what's the status of the country or where it is heading. So true if you consider what potential we had and what we are currently at. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they are fools or anything. In fact I think they have some of the best minds in this country. It would take a lot to carry out plans for such big frauds and devising strategies to make the right kind of noises before elections to win the seats. That's what makes congress a deadly opponent because they know how to influence voter opinions. Sure, congress supporters will come up and say that they have done so much for the progress of the country which i'm not ready to acknowledge here. The GDP growth, standard of living etc etc. and of course the fallacies of other political parties (BJP, Shiv Sena, Left etc etc.)
First lets talk about the other political parties. I'm not saying they are good or better than congress but there are levels which i am willing to accept. I don't condone Godhra and it saddens me to think of it even but apart from that there are fewer scams and controversies connected to them and hence i would say choose the lesser of the two evils. Second, the growth the country has seen in the last decade. To be honest, i feel that it began with the Vajpayee government. That paved way for world to acknowledge that India is the next destination and that GOI will act favorably to investments. Congress, just carried forward those policies and built on that groundwork to take India to where it stands today and this again refers to my initial point of making the right noises at the right time. there have been instances of the public not happy with the way govt. functions but come election time those issues are brushed aside and a rosy picture is painted to fool the public. Brilliant minds at work i would say.
So i guess by now you knowthat i hate the very existence of the congress. I can never forgive it or its leaders for the loss they have brought to this country. I know many would not agree with me but I'm not writing this to please/convince anyone. This is what i feel and nothing can change that. I wrote it because i wanted to as this is something personal and important to me. 

A Second Coming

Ok i'm back after another 2 months in isolation. Remembering those times when i used to write something every week. Though in the past i have written on politics and sports and entertainment but somehow i don't want to do that today as there's already been written too much about all the recent events. But there is something i think that deserves attention and it is the ability of film makers to go beyond the ordinary and produce a gem of an item. Going back 7-8 months, there was Christopher Nolan's INCEPTION which left everyone wanting for more and simply unsure of whether they are real or living some dream. As impressive that movie was, i came across another great movie in Source Code. I am a fan of human intellect and when people can produce great works of art like these movies it surely makes for great viewing. 

Such movies force you to use your mind and make you think and question your existence. The very essence of why you are here and what purpose you serve on this earth. It makes me wonder and going back to the days of Matrix, whether what i'm feeling is real or just some program being run to make me believe in something that actually is fake. Nonetheless it has its own excitement and thrill attached to it. But believe me, that euphoria is usually short lived. I mean you can sit and think about the meaning of your existence only for so long. There will come a time when you will move on and venture back into the daily routine of your life. The routine that we all love and something we set ourselves into and any deviations from it just don't seem that interesting to follow. 

A change of scenario though at times is quite welcome and this brings me to the second part of what i want to talk about here today. The first year of MBA is over and as i sit in my seat at the office i am doing my internship in, i just can't fail to remember the 4 years i spent in Pentair. The car pool to and from office. The endless early morning discussions. The call to breakfast table (thanks to Lord Gulati). Eating lunch together an d of course the wonderful feeling of TGIF!!, a phrase made popular by the movie Bheja Fry!! So i sit at my desk and wondering at times what i'm doing here and surely missing all the wonderful times i spent in my last organization. This makes me wonder how my life one year down the line would be? Will i have a group of friends to call my own and spend my time with?

There are other moments, other people in my life today that make it worthwhile but i sure miss those good old days and i don't know whether something like that will ever happen again. Looking forward to the coming times i know i'll be missing my friends a lot when they leave for Europe and there won't be much time left for us to spend together after that. So i guess what i'm trying to say through all this is that there are moments you would give anything to have back. Cherish those moments and make them count so that in future when you take a look back at what all you have done, these come and bring a smile to your face. I don't want to get preachy about it but i guess my second coming as a working professional has indeed awakened some memories and remembering those times has just made me a bit emotional. A temporary deviation from the routine and i know this phase would soon be gone too. So those of you who have had the patience to read all this i say thank you for listening to my thoughts and goodbye and have fun...!!!

Past, Present and the Future

B'day gone, New year gone, Valentine's day gone, so what is it that is making me write on my blog after almost 8 months? The fact that I wanted to write on it for so long but somehow didn't get the motivation to do it. I have wasted a lot of time during the last year doing nothing and gaining up on my weight with astronomical broadening of my belly. I mean I have grown really fat really quickly. Gone are the days when i could call myself slim. But fat is not the only thing i have added to my name recently. The continuance of poor academic performance and even poorer network (even in a batch of 450) have only helped in making the matters more unpleasant. Sure, there are some people i have really enjoyed being with and would never want to part company with them but it hurts to lose some of the good friends i had developed over the years. 

Life has been a roller coaster ever since i came here. With tussles for everything and me obviously too reluctant to do anything it took a lot to get what i wanted initially. Time has been a constraint to do a lot of things is what i tell others. But deep down i know that things could have been much different had i really decided on my priorities. Not a day passes when i don't dwell on how different i wanted things to be. People say that i complain a lot and that I'm never happy with anything but there must be some method to it is what i believe. For a person who doesn't like to point fingers and doesn't express his views too often, i still find the situations too damn sad to not comment and sit by the wayside. 

I mean where do i begin. Not a week passes with me not wishing of having got into another b-school and ruing the missed opportunities. Its the system here that makes my cringe. People not fit to manage themselves, heading an institute that shapes the careers of the country's future managers. The most mis-managed management school is what I'll put the name down as. From stupid rules and regulations to gross misuse of power. Students are not the first priority here with the administration living in a dream world of 80's. There is just so much pent up frustration that i don't know what i would do with all of it. Guess only thing that keeps me going is the company. Could write a book on why i hate being here but there are probably only 2-3 reasons why I'm still here that outweigh everything else. 

Now i don't mean that there is all sad and woeful moments in my life here. There have been really exciting times too when i have really let my hair down and enjoyed a lot and feel happy and thankful to god for allowing me to be a part of those activities. I have managed to do couple of things that i always dreamed about and it feels good knowing that. There are things to look forward to and the anticipation makes it worth the wait. But a question mark also hangs over my head as to if I'm like this right now, what will happen to me 6 months down the line when most of the people I'm close to will go on exchange leaving me feeling a bit lonely and sad. But sure that day will come too when we all will leave this campus and head towards our careers with new vigor and zeal.

Still, i feel like i am somehow not touching my full potential and as such there is a lot more than i can do with myself. There are goals i set for myself everyday but somehow fail to work towards even one single item. Have i just lost the plot and am just running for the sake of it to pass time? It's a costly way to pass time though i might add. but as i fail to achieve every target that i set, my resolve to meet my goals gets stronger and i know there will be a day when i will meet them and that day the shackles will break and i would probably be able to say that i have turned a new leaf. when that day will arrive is hard to say and will it be too late for me and what i have in mind is also not clear to me but all i really can do is try to work towards it and hope that i am able to achieve what i want.....

Groans and Excitement

Okay, so its been another month that has passed me by and come to think of it i can for a change do tell you a few things i remember about this time. The biggest news of all was my finally having laid hands on my long lost dream of getting into an IIM. So i have finally done what i had worked so hard for the last 4 years or so and right now sitting in my room in IIM I i can say that i am feeling excited but scared, happy yet sad and god knows what. I'm like a mixed bag of emotions. Couldn't have asked for more. Yes i'm concerned about a few people left alone back in Delhi and yes i miss a whole hell lot of people but still i'm learning to cope with it. The last 4 years flash before my eyes again and again whenever i'm alone doing nothing right from the time when i joined my company and screwed up on the first big test to the time when i was praised and appreciated, when i left the company, for all that i had done and accomplished in the last 4 years. It sure feels very good thinking about all this and all the experiences i have had during this time.
To be honest there were times when i really didn't want to work in my office but yes the last year has been very good and i do miss my office days. I knew it would be hard but still it does pinch moving away from a settled routine. But on the positive side i have found a new routine which is as much exciting. So it was hard to leave Delhi not knowing when i will be back for a long time again. I mean yes there will be breaks between semesters but 3-4 days max. First time i have stepped out of Delhi for what seems to be a really long time. Leaving my parents who have been always there with me. Leaving my friends and colleagues behind has been hard too. I miss the breakfast, Sanju's call for lunch at 12:30, then trying to find Gullu at 1 and holding the lift for him. I miss the trips to the cafeteria for coffee with JP and Vipinji.  The long drive back home via my favorite spot in Delhi - CP. Man writing this is making me so misty eyed.
So what i'm trading for all these moments and memories? I am trading a life of excitement, hardships, fun, sadness, happiness, disappointment. But i guess it was time to move on from my earlier life as i had promised myself that no matter what i would leave Delhi before this year ended. Not that i had gotten bored, but because i knew i needed to shake up my life and get certain things and people out of my system. So i delivered on my promise and here i am living with strangers and still a bit at home. Now as you might or might not know, the life at a b-school is tough. Cut throat competition for everything from marks to placements to GIRLS!!! So am i bothered? Hell yeah what do you take me for? Okay, a bad joke but yes i'm a little bit nervous but i know this is where i have to be for the next 2 years and i will manage somehow. In fact i would have to manage as it's not an option for me.
So lugging 5 heavy weight books and the weight of a lot of expectations, i begin my sojourn from this place right in the middle of the country. To make the path sweeter, i just got news that one of my good friends will soon be coming to Indore and yeah weekends will be special and a little better. In all this i forgot about the other big news, Spain in football world cup finals. How awesome is that? I supported Spain from day 1 although none of my friends agreed with me. I told everyone how this time its Spain time but no one agreed. Brazil, Argentina, Germany...even England, god knows what names were thrown up. This is not to belittle these teams but i had my faith in the team i support and i knew they will make it. So i guess now i can be bashful and go on to say that people who watch football once in 4 years have no right to predict the winners. Sorry if it hurt someone's feelings but i can't help it, I'm so happy. Desperately waiting for tomorrow night's final between two really good teams. Watching with so many people together will only add to the excitement.
So here i am, writing my first article from this city of great cuisines and telling everyone that i am fine and that i miss them a lot. Keep in touch is all i can add. Guys don't forget me and do keep calling on a regular basis on my new no. I'm a student now, so don't expect me to call damnit :P :P. This is me signing off. Tc and NJOI!!!!!!!!!!

Movie Time

Ok maybe not an apt title for this article but i felt i needed to write something about RAAJNEETI. There was a lot said and written about the movie even before it was released, with the only national party in the country slapping a one week ban and what not. But i was sure i would enjoy the movie simply because it was made by one of my favorite directors - Prakash Jha. Prakash has the uncanny knack of delivering high octane movies with gripping performances by his leading stars. Apharan and Gangajal standout as the master pieces based on the hindi heartland politics of the country and needless to say i love them. So the movie was released to much fan fare and people were disappointed to some extent on what had been portrayed. Maybe they expected something else or maybe the plot was all to predictable for them and yes their opinions were heard and carried forward to many others.
People saw the similarity between the movie and the epic Mahabharata and labeled the movie as a spin-off, opinions though harsh but yet accepted. There was appreciation for the performances and meatier roles for Ajay and Nana was what everyone called for. But i stayed away from commenting and following all this news as i was sure that i would love the movie. And god damn i did. It was a stupendous movie with great effort put in by everyone. Yes there were some similarities, yes it might have been too predictable at times. Yes it went overboard in the end but people lets not forget it was not that this wasn't told to us earlier. Much like when RGV said he made Sarkar as an ode to the Godfather, Prakash Jha also came out and said how he had adapted the Mahabharata to the modern political scene.
So it was all there before us. And i have to admit, it was a great movie. Prakash once again delivers a great movie with edge of the seat action. Agreed having known Mahabharata it felt like being cheated but one must understand that it is a totally different ball game to make the actors follow the directors' lead. To bring out the kind of performances especially from Arjun Rampal would have taken a lot. Lets face it Arjun has never been good at acting but he shines through in the movie. Goes to show what skills Prakash Jha has. I loved the movie and am happy that i didn't listen to the naysayers and maintained my belief. This i believe is something i should do more often, believing in what i feel is right.
When Vishal Bhardwaj made Kaminey, many critics slammed the movie stating it wasn't that good. But having received a similar criticism for Omkara and then knowing how good a movie it really was, I was sure Kaminey too would be good and i was not let down. Vishal did justice to the script and the actors supported him. He did give us a good film with good music. What more can you ask for? So one thing i would follow from now on is go and watch a movie without thinking too much about what others are saying. I know that there are some movies you can definitely miss based on opinions just because they are too bad to begin with. But the movies that are good always make the right noises before they are released and they have the right stars in them. Thats what one should really look for and i'm sure you will never feel let down.
The biggest plus point with Raajneeti though is that even though the story might seem clichéd to few, it still doesn't ask you to fore go logic to move through the movie. This is one point that helps you ease through as the movie progresses. Hence, all in all a wonderful movie and a great time spent and a really happy critic!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet Little Annoying things!!!

This is not a happy effort. This is more of a complaint. Not of mine alone but of the millions other who face these problems everyday in their life. The small stuff in our lives that we don't know what to do about yet makes us irritated all the time. This article is dedicated to highlighting the frustrations that we face everyday and are helpless bystanders, no matter what the revolutionaries claim is the righteous thing to do in such circumstances. I'll start of with the most common problem plaguing the country.
1. Corruption: A bribe here, a bribe there. All in getting your work done easily, quickly, without hassles. Tata Tea has run the campaign for quite some time.."khilana band, pilana shuru". A touching campaign, yet not very successful. The deplorable state of the country's administration and the law and order situation in different parts of the country leaves a sore heart every passing minute. Be it the lack of getting the paperwork done or seeing your soldiers dying a dog's death at the hands of psychopaths, it hurts like hell. Why can't the people running the country understand that their is something called patriotism beyond their greed for green paper? The one thing our forefathers had in them when they fought the british for the country. Vote bank politics has long denied the country the growth and justice it deserves. The public demands for a clean administration with proper implementation of law have always fallen on deaf ears.
2. Power and Water: Or rather the lack of it. Every day you face the same issue. Water will come at odd hours and not for long time at that. So you have to get up at 3 am to fill that bucket of drinking water which will help you survive the next day. In spite of all this, the govt's apathy towards ensuring that each citizen gets drinking water everyday is simply inexorable. Coupled with the hassles public faces with electricity and the inflated bills just cripples the backbone of the common man. How are you expected to live a normal life when you don't have basic civic amenities at your disposal. It hurts to see the state of people in the rural areas living their lives and then resorting to violence to make their voices heard. Are we not dividing our nation based on petty differences. Education is not a compulsory right as it should be. Lack of knowledge breeds ignorance and a disregard for rules and authority, specially in the urban areas.
Law & Order: Traffic problems, road rage, robbery, rape, molestation, dacoity and what not. These are just some of the news that you read everyday in the papers. You see something on the news - dramatized, sensationalized yet forgotten from living memory in a couple of weeks as the channels look for some other news to exploit. The very fact that the police is not there to protect the people and looks for its own benefits makes you cringe and twist like a snake struggling to free itself off its captor. Daylight robberies and the pathetic condition of the police force coupled with their ignorance and greed only makes your anti system sentiments grow.
People say that if you hate the system so much then why not fight to change it? Yes it is true, but how many of us are capable of such deeds? How can we even enter political scenario without slashing someone's throat or cutting someone's pocket? Am i too coward to stand up? Is my patriotism some hollow joke? I don't know, maybe i need a leader whom i could follow to do all that is required of me for my country but as of now, I stand alone. Maybe the belief that if you do try to change the system, you will be crushed like an ant makes me stop short of taking any drastic step. But yes the resentment is there. I'm not ignorant of the country's problems and i find my solace in these words, which makes my life easier. But is that enough? An easy life for me (as i don't normally have to deal with these problems), while the rest of the country is hurting......

Most Wonderful Experience

Almost two months since i last wrote on this blog and my world has definitely turned upside down. My sordid love saga with its own twists and turns maybe bigger than a Abbas-Mustan movie has come to curtains finally. My office shifted premises to NOIDA making travelling a bitch and that too all alone. Still no idea where i am headed in my career. So all in a all not a very happy last two months to look at from my side. Can't say the same for the others though as few might just have something exciting and interesting to look forward to especially after European skies have opened up. There is the general dismay among 'friends' as to why the bloody hell am i single (ain't u got no guts?). Then there is my own explanation of it (ain't got no luck). Not something good to write home about here it seems.
Wait a minute, there just might be i guess. Does crashing down on waves in a rubber raft and jumping from 30 ft high cliff into the river below and then standing under a gushing waterfall and feeling the water hitting you with bricks and stones and yet enjoying the experience, count as exciting? It sure as hell does, baby. Well this trip was the brainchild of our very own Bhatia (saab) and slowly all the players fell in through persuasion (if not bribe) save one. Hours of discussion to finalize the details and the itinerary went into the short trip and it would be right to say that every one was excited. So where do i even begin with this journey. The torturous train ride where we were forced to play cards in the dark and yet being yelled at in the middle of the night for having some fun or the fact that the train took almost 5 hours more to reach its destination. It's still fresh in the mind how each moment unfolded and although there were no untoward experiences, the trip was still quite Adve-ntur-ous.
Surely a ride in an ambassador through the fields with 8 people jammed in somehow was an experience of its own but the best part of the trip i believe was the water.


I mean the freshness of water was simply awesome. The cold temperature adding to the flavor. So what began as an adventure was soon turned into an experience of a life time. Whatever i had craved for to do all my life came together in a single trip. Bonfire at night with light music in the background, good food, great company for my part at least and of course the cards. So tired from the long journey, we still managed to play some shots for the benefit of Lalit Modi before heading for a dip in the river near the camp. The night passed by with lots of fun under the light of a lantern and warm cups of tea in our hands.
Saturday morning, 17/04/10 9:50 hrs: This is when we began what we all termed as THE BEST EXPERIENCE of our lives so far. Getting into a rubber raft and terrified of the water, still i desperately wanted to have this experience. Up it went (raft) as our guide yelled,"Forward team forward, fast, fast, ok relax." Up and down the 8 rapids we went from Roller Coaster to the Golf Course. All the time water splashing in our faces as our raft fought the waves and we rowed on as if our lives depended on it. No wonder we felt like the crew of a sunken ship in a small boat, trying to reach the coast, while mother nature is hell bent on destroying all our hopes. Water surfing at the end seemed like a walk in the park after the rapids though it did require some amount of cajoling from my inner self. To cap off the wonderful experience was the cliff jumping where i, afraid of even entering a pool, jumped from a 30 ft  high cliff into the river and trying desperately to float with water in my nose and mouth managed to reach the land with pride and happiness scrawled all over my face.
No matter what adjectives i use, they won't be able to justify what i and in fact all of us felt after that 2 hour journey down the river. Surely it was an experience of a life time and no wonder i want to do everything all over again. One thing i did learn in all this is that there is a gambler in all of us and yes everyone is capable of witty or poisonous remarks. Its how we bring these qualities out makes us who we are. Compatibility and adaptability is an over sold concept i believe in all management schools as everyone can do all that to live. Having said that we had a great group to ourselves with current and future managers in the mix. So it was a big surprise to see no ego clashes among the dominating members of the group. Well it doesn't befit me to take pot shots at others while sitting in the confines of my comfy living room but i have learned not to let go of an opportunity as after all, "waat usse lagti hai jo rasta hum chorte hain."
So next stage of the journey began with a trip to Mussorie although this time the ride was much more comfortable in a scorpio. Trip down the mall road was quite an experience too with loads and loads of beautiful things to see. Sadly none of them were single and ready to mingle. So ogling at those beauties was all that we could manage through the night. Of course we did try out a few new styles.

Needless to say Colgate could use new brand ambassadors. Shyness is a word of the old millennium so it would seem. Self Obsessed would be an understatement :)

The  night was wasted away at another round of cards and allowed me to silence my critics once and for all regarding the skill. Sunday morning wanted me to stay put in bed but sadly the lure of water fall and the biggest attraction of Mussorie was much too big to miss out on and yeah in order to keep the spirit of the trip, "Itna toh banta hai." (courtesy: Raju Srivastava)

So off we went after a not so healthy breakfast of paranthas with butter and heavy glass of lassi to the Kempty falls. So there we were 7 guys half naked standing in waste high cold water and lots of dirt. Felt like being beaten by brick-bats by the falling water but still it felt great to stand under the numbing water. Kempty falls did make me realise how unfit my body really is and that how much fat i had accumulated on my once slim body :( But not trying to dwell too much on this insignificant part of the trip (weight watching i.e.) we began our long and tiresome trip to Delhi only to be delayed by a massive traffic jam. Tired and weary we reached CP at 2 in the night and i must admit saadi dilli looked awesome in the night lights.

This brought curtains to our almost 4 day long journey along the banks of river Ganges and in the hills of the Queen of Mountains and surely left me longing for more.............. 

The Most Wonderful Things in Life

So another Valentine has gone by and i am still all alone after 25 years of existence. Some might say that it's all downhill from here, but i say that it's the heart that should stay young and the body will keep up somehow. So hoping for a better future i'm gonna stop thinking about this and reflect on what really makes us happy in this world today. Of all the melodrama and tension in our lives, we do have our moments of happiness. Point is whether we recognize them and give them their due or do we ignore/neglect them altogether. So in this exercise today, i'm going to chronicle what makes me happy (yes i'm not grumpy all the time) and please feel free to add things that i might have missed.
#1: God: I may not be a religious guy but i do think i'm spiritual. I know my faith is strong and i know that god is there for me and the others. All you have to do is stand up and ask for him. My belief is what probably keeps me sane at times. I don't believe in demarcation along religious lines as i feel that there is only one god and rest all that we humans worship are just incarnations of the supreme lord. So spiritual yes... religious no.
#2: Family: Yes i feel happy being around my mom and dad. Though i don't spend a lot of time with them but still they remind me of what i used to be and how much i have changed over the years while they have labored on year after year with the same set of feelings towards me. That in itself feels so good to have with me but still makes me sad that i have let them down by placing other things as more imp in my life than them.
#3: Football: Maybe i'm still not at that level where each Liverpool victory calls for a treat and each defeat calls for mourning but i still love it when they win and it just makes the day a bit sweeter. Plus giving kaif a piece of my mind on the rivalry just adds that spice to the recipe.
#4: Music: It brings together souls or so i have heard. But i do believe that music is an awesome stress buster. There was a time when the first thing i did after logging on to my system was open a music player. But these days i have lost track of it somehow. I don't have it with me when i travel and at times i don't listen to it on my comp even. Maybe my list has just gone old and there aren't a lot of good and new songs out there. But still i would say that music helps me vent out my frustrations in a big way. So again its something that brings a smile to my lips.
#5: Friends: Last but the most important thing in my life. I have valued friendship far more than any of the 4 above mentioned points. I have sacrificed my rest time, my responsibilities, my job almost everything for friendship. I have suffered the scorn of many for my devotion and been hurt too at times by my friends. Nevertheless, i now who i can count on to be there with me in any form possible when i need them and thankfully god has blessed me with the right kind of people to be there for me. When all my chips are down and i don't have anything going for me, i know there will be a voice of support and encouragement which would try its best to cheer me up without even saying so. That's why i continue to support my other friends in their troubles. I have few who are there for me so i want to be one of the few who is there always.
Yes my list comprises of very obvious points and nothing spectacular but that's what my life is - good but nothing spectacular. So bear with me and don't chastise me for being emotional/critical (at times). Hope you enjoyed this another rendition of self discovery. Till next time....HAVE A NICE DAY
P.S. - Please feel free to add what you think makes you happy in life apart from what's already here.

Love is in the Air

The warmth and the heavenly feeling called Love. Yes i am back with another article on a topic that many would say i have really killed out here. But i would beg to differ with them. I have only tried to explain what has been going on with my life in all my past articles. But rest assured this article is not on me. This is about love. A song from the movie Saudagar went like, "ILU..ILU..ye ILU ILU kya hai ye ILU ILU." For the uninitiated, that of course means "I Love You." Well the second week of Feb has always been associated with love and all the emotional and senti feelings that go along with it. It is that time of the year that makes the roses and gifts costly and provides a timely boost to the economy in terms of the gifts being purchased.
Many people look forward to this week all through the year. Either to express their love or to let the person know that how much they care or at times just to say that they are there for them. Of course the tip is towards love. Now i'm not going to venture into why people fall in love and why they do all this as this is something no body can control. What i want to talk about is whether it's all worth it. I mean people go through the ritual/arduous task of selecting gifts and then doing something special for their loved ones for what. Does this week really carry that much importance? If yes, then why? Why is this week so special? Does love demand a special day for you to express it? Does love ask a special method for it to be expressed?
I don't think so. Agreed, you may term me a lazy pig not wanting to do anything for a change. But i still stand by my point that you shouldn't need a specific day to express your love. Every day with your loved one should be special for you and if it is not then you are just not that into the relationship. Love is not about big gifts and big expressions (well it is but not entirely). Love primarily is about the small stuff. The warm snug, the  holding of hands while crossing the road, the shoulder to rest the head, the caring for a pin prick etc. These are the small things that make a relationship strong and you don't need a special week to do all this stuff. Yes gifts are important but you don't have to wait for a week to give them.
And this is not just about Valentine's day, it goes for all the special days that are celebrated. Be it Mother's day, Father's day, Friendship day etc. I don't need some card company to tell me the day to express my love to my loved ones. For me every minute spent with them is special. I think that's what everyone should realize too. Try and make these moments count and you don't have to wait for a special day to say that you care. In fact if I may say so, the card and gift industry might be missing out on a bigger piece of pie here. After all if you declare every day of the year as special then there might just be an increase in the sales owing to the feeling of love being ubiquitous. Yes it might seem strange but best ideas initially seem strange :). So you ask then how do i express my love everyday...three letters...ILU................

3 Mistakes of My Life!!

An article that has been long in the making. Tried so hard to write something but couldn't actually find three noticeable decisions that i really regret in my life. So it was a surprise when suddenly, out of the blue they fell into place. 3 Decisions that i regret to have taken in this short span of 25 years, though most of the decisions were taken by my parents till i reached 15th. So here it goes:

Mistake #1: Choosing Non-Medical in XIth

It would be somewhat wrong to say that i am happy having done engineering. I don't say it is my worst decision but in hindsight it is not one of the best either. My sis told me."You should take commerce." But having seen my bro and sis take Science, i felt it wouldn't suit me to go do something else. So there in all my ignorance of what might lie ahead, i took the plunge. I always wanted to be popular and i lost out on that because of being too uninformed. To state that i was consigned to the unnoticeable bench would be an understatement. I lost out on all chances of popularity. So what did that translate into? Limited contact with good looking girls. Limited chances of lot of people knowing you and of course, minimal chances of getting a girlfriend. Engineering led me away from the happening crowd of Delhi. Thus giving way to becoming honorary member of FOSLA - Frustrated One Sided Lover's Association.

Mistake #2: Letting go of the Golden Opportunity

There she was. Standing 10 feet away on the very first day of college on the bus stand. Her arms clung to her chest. Looking radiant in that bright yellow top. Looking a bit lost and a bit scared with all the attention, comments and looks. To know she lived en route my home and traveled in the same bus should have given me enough confidence to go and talk to her. But surrounded by people who scared the living daylights out of me with their comments, i decided to stay mum. I saw her everyday. I felt i should go talk to her as she looked like somebody who needed a friend. Alas, the low self confidence routine overtook me or rather i should say, overpowered me into submission and i let things pass, trying to build up the courage to go and talk to her. Then one day in pouring rain, i saw her and her friend , who by the way was also hot with another friend of mine. Tragically, my friend used to live near my place. So there she was with him and i being the dumb a*****e lost out on, first getting a girl. Second, becoming popular. Third, having a life. What more could i do to myself to make my life suck even more.

Mistake #3: Company

TCS after giving some nervous moments, recruited me on the very first day of placement results. Along came a company at the fag end of the year. Surely, it was an interesting job, good pay, good take home salary. Possibility of meeting girls in corporate culture, it was quite alluring. Yet it took all of 4 months in the job to remove the screensaver and see the ground reality. From July to Dec, i wanted to switch. But i hung on. My mind told me to see things in future and how this spell would translate into the future. So i decided to stay. I told myself that if MBA clicks then fine, if not then i'll move. I have still to move after 4 long years. Part of the crew, part of the ship...Pirates of the Caribbean. Guess i'm just becoming the same here. Scary vision i must say. Coupled with lack of proper vision. Nice recipe for disaster and thats just what i feel my life has become. An utter failure on all fronts. People thought i won't amount to anything and i used to laugh at them. Guess i have proved them right.

So my first decision led me to college where my second decision consigned me to unnoticeable group which wasn't all that pleasant. Lastly, my decision on the company has clearly shown what an utter disaster my life has turned out to be. No girlfriend, no money, no career. Shot myself in the foot not once, not twice but three times in the past decade. How's that for accuracy? Never miss a chance to make my life hell...............

P.S. - All stories are fictional and bear no resemblance to any person or thing living or dead.

Break Up Saurabh!!!!!

Shankar Mahadevan sang - Wake Up Sid. I would like to hum a different tune though, its Break Up Saurabh. Well I know it doesn't rhyme but who cares. After a long long time I'm happy and I mean I'm truly happy. I feel light as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I have said this before and yet with in couple of weeks i am back to my usual sulking self and i know that many of you reading this article would not believe me when i say that this time there won't be a relapse. But I would like to assure all my well wishers that this time it's for real. I'm ecstatic right now. I feel the same way as i felt after giving IIFT interview. Totally free with not an iota of care in the world. I feel like i have taken a rebirth. There is a lot of positive energy flowing through me right now. And it's all got to do with one person. I won't name her but you guys know who I'm talking about. She finally said no, never ever.

Now you must be thinking that poor chap is going crazy because of grief. In fact many would go crazy. But i am happy because i had allowed myself to be something i wasn't. I was becoming just too much of a grump. Snapping at people for no particular reason. Always feeling down and dejected. Criticizing myself and blaming her for my being in this state and what not. I had become so awful that i had started to hate myself for being such a sadist. Worse part is i was driving her away from my life because of my complaints and negative attitude. This was definitely something i didn't want. We are good friends and i will try my best to be that. But I'm not forecasting anything yet. Although it would be fair to add that my decision also stemmed from the fact that she was developing feelings for someone else. So a combination of a lot of factors has resulted that i am a free bird now or as SAK said in LAK - "Khula Saand".

It would be wrong to say that i didn't see this coming. I had been told to do this by a couple of friends this past week or so but i was apprehensive. I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to admit that i lost. My male ego was dominating me to not accept defeat in any form. There were other signs too. My daily horoscope would once in a week tell me to let go of that relationship. But i never cared. I always fought to try and make this work. I believed that by doing all this i might move her around to saying yes. But there was definitely a part of my that said that if through all these efforts, she did say yes then won't she be making a compromise and settling for something she might not actually want? Where will that leave me then? In a relationship where she is not happy to be with me and i am still unhappy being with her. I didn't want that in my life. Who would? So i knew something or the other must give way. Either she would accept me whole heartedly or reject me sumptuously. And that's what she did.

So here i am standing on the road to nowhere right now. I know it would be tough and that this euphoria might not last long but i also know that with a couple of friends who really care with me by my side i would survive this phase. Hell i have been through worse things before and yet i am still standing, ain't i? I know if she reads this then i might lose what ever relationship i still have. But this is specially for you dear that try and be happy for me knowing that i am moving on from you as you have always wanted and that i am not letting our friendship go. It will remain as strong as ever. You definitely have to believe me on this as there is no other way i can assure you of this. That being said don't think for a moment that i am harboring any ill feelings as i simply can't. So this is me signing off on the first article of 2010 saying goodnight and goodbye to all the readers. Saurabh has left the building...........

Dosti

"Yaron yahi dosti hai...kismat mein jo mili hai"....so sang Junoon. One of my favorite songs with good music and good, meaningful lyrics. And truly friendship is that elixir which keeps the spirit alive. Yes family is there for you every time, even when friends are not there, but you can talk about only so much things with them. I won't discuss the importance of family here as i know that it sure as hell can't be discussed. It can only be felt. But friendship is different. You spend the majority of the waking day with your friends. Lets face it, its the friends that have to deal with our every mood swing of the day and yet try and cope with it somehow and on top of it make us feel comfortable and loved. In short, Friendship is the heart and soul of every human being. So what is it that makes people say 'Friends for Life' or 'Best Friends Forever'?

For that to happen the person must have developed a special place in your life. That's the first and foremost requirement. You must have enough faith in the person to tell him/her all your fears and share all your happiness. You can be rest assured of their being there for you when you need them and vice-versa. They are happy to see you happy and they are sad to see you sad. That's what best friends are made of. They have an uncountable and never ending reserve of support. That some people can actually understand everything that their friends want to say without actually saying it is simply special. That to me is certainly a form of divinity. I have seen many close friendships in my life and for a long time i longed for them to be in my life too and god blessed me with that not once, not twice but thrice. I say that because each time i got separated from my best friend for reasons i had no control over, but did get back together again later on somehow.

I might be wrong here but i feel that close friendship shouldn't have any boundaries. You must be able to say what you want to at any point in time and place and expect the same thing to happen to you too. Friendship is a treasure that increases if you distribute it. You can not hoard it or lock it for yourself. It's always out in the open and for every one to see. If you become too controlling or start dictating too much much, you will stifle it. It needs sunlight and fresh air to survive, much like the sunflower. Of course there are sacrifices to be made and yes you may not feel good about it but that's what friends do. That's why they have the special place in your life.

There is one bond though that is stronger than friendship. It is called LOVE. When you love someone, you'll do anything. You will leave your best friends aside to think about that special someone and do stuff for him/her that you would never have thought yourself capable of doing. You are really lucky if the love of your life is your best friend too. I believe that there can't be anything like having your special someone as your best friend. A person who completely understands you and is there for you and who you know will care for you in more ways than one. You obviously would want to hang on to something so special, wouldn't you?

But lately i have been around a case where, although i have only a faint idea and probably a few wild guesses at best, i can't help feel that love is sometimes so overpowering that you lose the sense of right or wrong. I agree i'm working with peanuts here, but i can't help myself wondering if everything that's going on is correct? I know the person i'm talking about knows what i'm saying and why i'm saying it. I also know that i don't have the leverage to talk about sense in this situation as i don't know a lot, but it sure has helped me fully appreciate the meaning of words Love Is Blind and that love at times can be painful and cruel. It was this madness that love brings that i was talking about when i said that you'll do anything in the name of love.

I'm a bit tired, a bit wired and definitely impatient right now but there is nothing in my hands and all i can do is pray that everything works out for the best. I don't know though what that just might be. All i can say is that "Yaron, Dosti....badi hi haseen hai" so try and keep this alive........

What Do You Want From Me

Ahaa...another month passes by as we draw closer yet again to the end of a great year. Not for me but for a lot many others. US of A had its first black President, Congress won the elections in India, India lost to Pakistan in an ICC event, IIM barrier was breached, broken hand got mended, new and tantalizing friendships were formed (again not by me) and CAT went online. A lot of other things happened too which i don't have the time to talk about. Don't get me wrong this article is not about what all happened during the year and why it happened. I'm not going to chronicle all that. I'll leave that to the media people. Again I'm not here to define the sporting moment of the year or the political/economic moment of the year. This time in many months i know what i am going to write about. Now how is that for a start.

Again I would like to reassure you that this article is not about some melancholic cry for attention or to question the design of nature and the repercussions thereof. I guess we've had enough of that. But there is one thing i have not written about in a long time. Love, that sweet, innocent and spell bounding feeling. The current generation is intoxicated with this wonderful idea which according to Agent Smith is quite insipid. You see couples here, you see couples there. In the parks, on the phone, on instant messaging, they are everywhere. Typing messages in a frenzy, exchanging love notes and giggling that sweet laugh on that small, nonsensical joke they would have hated at other times. All in the name of love. To many it's the elixir of life. They can fight, argue with everyone around them, be it family, friends, colleagues but not with that special someone. At times i feel that the old adage 'Love is Blind' should be altered to 'Love is Retarded'.

Coming back to the topic, i would like to talk about love from a guy's perspective first and if possible from a girl's perspective (of what my crazy mind can throw up) later. A guy looking for some love, roaming around with his group of friends in the hot and spicy market place in Delhi like GK or Khan Market normally goes through the following process - Hey, that chick. Wow, she is awesome. Man i would want someone like her with me. Takes a look at who he is with, dips his head in disgust and moves on. Suddenly he notices somebody with the girl. He says - What the fuck, she is with that as****e. Man she can do so much better. Are eligible bachelors like me dead?? Feeling sorry for himself he finally trudges off the scene. That's what a typical guy does. That's how his love story progresses till he finally through chance, not providence meets somebody who seems interested in him.

It's a dream come true. The best thing that could ever happen in his sorry little existence. I am not so bad after all, he thinks smiling from ear to ear. Then it starts. The late night calls, the giggling, making lovey dovey statements, slight fighting, then degrading himself to say he is sorry although it wasn't his fault to begin with. Wishing for that one compliment of the week even though he might have showered 100's in a single day. Hiding the facts and figures from close friends - I'll tell them once something concrete happens. Trying his hardest to please the sacred one and trying his best not to get her mad with such devotion that would shame IIT/IIM aspirants. The one missed call and you leave everything you are doing to call back. The one message and India-Pakistan match goes for a toss. Soon all the happiness in life becomes tied to the whims of the oh so perfect soul. Allowing the buttons to be pushed at will and random, the same buttons they had defended so valiantly against everyone thus far.

But can there be trouble in paradise? Yes it can and it is a three letter word - JAF, short for Just A Friend. I never thought of you like that. You are my good friend, please don't put me through this. Or in the worst case, I already have a boy friend. I wanted to tell you but was not sure where we were in our friendship. Now that sucks and the all the magical world comes crashing down. Nickelback sang, Burn It To The Ground, and they sang well. Just a little too well for some. But that doesn't mean it's the end. No ways, after all he has waited for so long for this. He will fight and try and make the girl realize that love lies here and not elsewhere. But we all know how that story is going to end, don't we? It is this proverbial hope that keeps the lover boy going, doing things he never dreamed he would do. And thus the story goes on and on and on. Energizer could have a new theme for a campaign.

So that is how a guy typically falls in love and reacts. I know all of you reading this might have felt so for someone or the other if not yourself. After all it's a rarity that the girl actually falls for the guy when he proposes, except if she is in school. But then why do girls end up with the worst guy possible? Hard to say. As a friend of mine put it so beautifully once, 'Commonsense is not so common these days'. Then what is it that girls want? I wish i had the answer, i might be able to solve my problem. I do know a bit though about what girls don't want. They don't want to be questioned. They don't want to be center of a joke (they have every right to make a clown of you in public though). They don't want to be runners up in your life (even though you are JAF and you are never closer to the top of the ladder in their life). They can't be put on hold while you, well you know. But there are some things that the girls should be given credit for. And these are big things for which the guys actually fall in love in the first place. Girls can make your life special. Girls can make your day with sweet nothings. Girls can be very devotional and caring which simply blows your mind away.

Complicated matter is Love. Not easily defined. Not easily explained. Not easily felt. Very intoxicating. Very addictive and yes very very very much RETARDED................

Blank

I don't know what i want to write about. I don't have anything specific in mind. I don't know whether this will be a short article or will I find the matter to make this a long article. 'It's been days, 35 to be precise since i last wrote something. So the need/craving to write has built up a bit but i have been putting that craving down simply because i haven't had the time to write something that i do want to write about. There have been instances which can deem a mention. There have been thoughts that have come to my mind as to what my next article must be all about. But right now i can't seem to allot them any importance. They have become insignificant events that took place sometime ago. All this doesn't mean that i'm going through one of my writer's blocks as i do have some issues that i could write on. But i am choosing not to as i know i won't like it when it's done and sure as heck will make someone quite mad,angry and in the end sad.

So what am i writing about. Should i detail out an event with the flowery vocabulary and build it up as if its a magnum opus rather than a simple (though painful operation)? Or should i detail out what's going on in the trading world with vivid examples and quotes to make the articles impressive to anyone who has an interest in stocks would like and others would only admire the effort and presentation? I can even act as a tour guide and list a lot of touring destinations with photographs pasted and detailed description given of what all can be seen and done in that location. But as by the looks of my write-up you must have guessed by now that i'm not going to do any of that stuff. I could talk a bit about politics and how what is wrong is being glossed over and how the Indian media is not doing it's job and etc. etc. But isn't that being rhetorical? I mean how many times can anyone read that same stuff? It's there everyday in the news and newspapers. I won't be adding a new dimension to the existing flaws and the discussion thereof.

Then again there is the allure of writing about love, life and relationships which my poor hassled readers have gone through time and again. But I am not in the mood right now for that kind of stuff. It's pretty much the story of how my life has shaped up and how and where i am right now. I have no idea what i want in life but i do know a few things i don't want to be and some things i don't want to do. I guess that thinking has finally found base with my writer mind too. I have no idea what i should/want to write about but yes i do have an idea of what i don't want to write about. As you might have guessed i am back to square one now. Not knowing what to write and still filling out words and pages for god knows who. One thing i would like to mention here is that even though i am at 60th article (nearing the years of India's Independence :) ) i don't have any readership. I believe my blog is probably one of the least followed blogs on the internet. It does feel sad to know this but it kind of gives a sick feeling of happiness too that i am creating a record anyhow with this.

People back in US have asked me how it feels like to be back home and what is the first thing that you did and other stuff. To all i have replied the same stuff, that i love the food and i love the feel of my hands on the steering wheel of my car. I missed driving while i was in US and i surely missed my mom's food. This sounded really peculiar to a lot of people in US. A grown man living with parents and i had to explain how that is what Indian culture is mostly about. You are not considered a good kid if you move out and leave your parents behind. I know i am not talking about the whole country but probably a respectable proportion. It feels good to get behind the wheel of the car and drive as fast and as madly as possible. It feels good to be among friends again and it feels good to spend more time on my friend's seat in office than on mine. Of course this comes at a price of having to listen to some or the other nonsense from someone or the other but it's worth it i would say.

Many would say that i haven't enjoyed my stay in US and that i should have done this or that i should have gone here etc. etc. But i know that whatever i have done nobody else would have done and frankly i did what i liked doing. So yes i did feel that it would have been better to have had some company but still overall an adventurous trip. I'm not sure my valiantly trying mind has any more exciting stuff to dish out and i am getting a bit tired too (i know my fitness and concentration levels are the worst in the world). So i'm going to kill this article here, not intending to finish it and hoping that whoever reads it doesn't pluck out his/her hair. Sionara goodbye shabba khair

Fucked Up

Whenever I'm alone i tend to think of what all has happened in my life so far. The good stuff, the not so good and the outright bad stuff. Usually this time of introspection takes me to the bad things that i have seen and how and why they happened. Needless to say I'm not a happy camper after such time. Somehow, somwhere i manage to convince myself of it all being my fault in some inscrutable way. I have always believed that thinking is one of the most important of human activities. That's what makes us unique. But to what things you devote your thinking time ensures what kind of mind set you live with. Constantly fretting over petty stuff and ostracising myself over insignificant things is what i'm best at. I don't think i would be wrong in saying that i am my worst critic.
Although i tend to believe that i am just being humble at these times but reality is that i know they are my shortcomings. There are many reasons why i could consider my life a failure.
Some of them would be social suicide to write here. On the other hand there are reasons where i can think of my life being a success. But me being me can easily assign biased weightage to the negative points to make the situation appear more grim than it actually is. It's not that i want to paint a grumpy oulook to my life. Hell who would want that. Even being a pessimist i'm not sadist. I don't take pleasure in sadness and pain. Infact i'm hurt by other living being's pain as much as i am by my own. Still i time and again recount stuff only to portray myself in the dark and a blot on the existence.
I know this again doesn't make for a happy reading and i don't wish to annoy anyone here by whatever i'm writing. I know that when i am in such a mood i can hardly resist myself from typing what is coming to my mind. I type as the conversation builds up in my mind. That is the reason why at times my writing loses base and becomes incoherent. So i want to apologise in advance to anyone who has wasted his/her time in reading this monologue and gotten disappointed, angry or annoyed at my personal bashing, yet again. But the fact is that i can't help myself. I feel this is onething that right now i have to get out of my system if i want to do something. So if you are bored already you can skip the rest of the article as it won't change its path.
Lately it' has been a constant effort by me to find a meaning or purpose for every action or event happening in my life. There is an inclination to find the why that might be associated with the stuff. For eg. if i'm taking a photograph, the feeling now is to develop a wholistic view of the view I'm trying to capture rather than earlier when all i used to do was snap up the pictures blindly without any focus on getting the frame or the angle right. Thus, photography has developed a meaning to it. So have some other activities in life too. I know i like all this stuff and probably this is what is keeping me happy and sane at times. Left to my own devices i know i would have declared myself medically unfit to remain in this world. But my respect and love for life is much too big to do anything insane. Whatever might be the condition of my mind, i would still love what i have. It's the extra that we all need that makes me sad.
One disturbing thing i have found about myself over the past 4-5 months has been my inability to cast any influence on people around me in my life. Apart from family of course who all might be tied by the ties of blood and who might not have ever thought of anything in this direction. But i can be very much certain of the rest of the people i know. Don't know if its the ideas that i put forward, the way i talk, the way i present myself or what not but i am not taken seriously by anyone around me. I love giving advice and in general try to help out anyone and everyone who might need a bit of help (big or small, doesn't matter). So there i am thinking that i might be helping the other guy out but infact i might just not be needed in the first place.
I don't know what i expect from others and how do i want them to react to me being there in their life. My mind is not so developed to fully comprehend this. So i spend days thinking of something or the other to try and understand this quandry. Life can take a turn for the better or worse in a matter of seconds. It's another matter that my happiness and sorrow is only partially tied to my activities. Why i am not free of all the tensions in my life i don't know. I accept i can never be truly free but yes the magnitude of the tension should atleast come down. I havetime and again asked for a ray of light in my life. To show me the way to move forward in a direction both helpful and conducive to my life. But i have yet to find this light.
Why i exist is also not very clear to me. Why am i here? It can't be to sit here, sulk, work, sulk, relax, enjoy and then repeat the cycle. There must be a purpose, a reason. I want that point of higher calling where i can truly understand myself and the reason of my existence, which if you look at right now is useless. Not many would miss me (outside my family) if i'm no longer there. I know that is the saddest thing i could have written but seeing the mood i am in right now, i would say it is an undersatement. I don't think i can add anything new to this article apart from what i have written till now. Besides my mind is more fucked up than when i started to write an hour or so ago. So i guess i'll try and get some sleep and rest my mind a bit so that i can remove all this negativities from my mind.
My apologies to people who have received this without wishing to. I'll probably erase my mailing list for my next article. Till then take care and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!

Brookfield, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA

Ever since I joined Pentair Water after college, I have been working for one business unit only, Fleck controls dealing in water softeners and located at Brookfield. Pentair at that time had a policy of continuously sending out people from India to the States so that they could get better training and feel of the products they are making. So it was a surprise that I hadn't managed to go for so long. But finally both my and my company's timing matched and here I was flying solo to US (which can be a pain in a**) to an unknown land amongst unknown people. For the uninitiated, there are few things about me that are not so popular. I hate doing almost anything alone. I can't eat, roam around, shop or even go to the movies alone. So for me to travel to an unknown country for 6 weeks was certainly a big challenge. Second, unlike many people I know (believe me the count is big), I don't have a fixation with US and coming and working here. Europe yes maybe not US per se.

My only reason for wanting this is to add something to my CV because Indian firms and colleges give weightage to any kind of foreign exposure. Don't know where this notion got set in but yeah it exists now. Having said all that, I have been here for the last 18 days or so. Now I don't think I'll start recounting how my days are being spent here and what all I am doing as first I don't think I want to do that and second, i don't think anyone wants to read that either. For those of you who want to know, i know a phrase which will help you a lot, "Pictures say a thousand words." So just grab them either on picasa or orkut. Anyways, this brings me to the point as to then why am i writing this article in the first place. People generally write something when they want to recount something. Talk about some stuff or explain some event etc. I am not doing either. So why am i writing this?

For starters, i feel i have this obligation both to this blog and in part to myself to write after a protracted interval. This blog certainly has helped me a lot over the last 2 years now. Been with me and provided me with an avenue to vent out my frustration and pain. So now when I'm seemingly normal, leaving behind such a friend (metaphorically) doesn't feel nice. Also, the fact that i am not doing justice to myself by ignoring writing gets to me a bit too. I have been writing all kinds of stuff from the time i was in 8th or 9th. Although it is a common hobby among people but for me writing has always been personal and i have always remained attached to whatever i write. It still feels good to rake up the old pages and read what i had written earlier. So one of the major reasons I'm writing this article is because i just want to write something. Although i am giving care to not take this article to incoherent levels and talk something meaningful.
A few things I have done while i have been here have been fantastic though and i believe i can talk about them a little. After all it's not everyday that you get to do fishing and catch a fish and do some woodwork and create something beautiful out of the wood or have a swing at the golf club. All these were made possible by my boss here and i think i can never thank him enough for the wonderful time i had at his house in the country. Now for me these are really exotic arts - fishing,carpentry,golfing those are leisure activities and being in India, you need both time and money to be able to be a part of something like this. I know these may not sound interesting to many, in fact all the persons i have told this to have not been too enthused. Different people, different likings, different priorities.
For me, i generally don't prefer the traditional activities people like to do when they visit a place, that is in terms of sight seeing. After all what can you see actually in a concrete jungle that you can't get to see in Delhi? I know architecturally i might find some better stuff, but still its a concrete jungle, right?That being said, I'm not saying that i don't like to see such stuff but just that I'm not as excited as others might be. Being a nature lover, i love being out there with mother nature, exploring stuff and clicking photographs. Give me nature over concrete jungle any day. I won't say I'm not happy being here or excited for that matter as that would be lying as though i don't like to say this but yeah i like the place. Clean and beautiful with such wide roads. Why US, the fourth/fifth largest country area wise has only .5% of world's population i will never quite understand yet it produces 20% of world's pollution. Amazing isn't it. Coming back to topic, right now i would say that I'm doing ok. i mean I'm not in a bad position. I do miss people back home but i have not yet gotten bored with the city yet. Knowing me that is a surprise. Well let's see how i end up as when October ends and then i would be better able to evaluate my stay :)

From Heaven to Hell

It has been some time since i last wrote something on this page. Frankly, i have not missed writing as i thought i would if i didn't get to write. Problem is i was falling into an inertia. I really had nothing to write or talk about. After all no one would care for another self deprecating article from my side nor would anyone like another article on world stories and personal tragedies. In sum, i was basically being redundant with some excitement missing in my life. I had a few moments of fun spread sporadically over the period, including the Pentair Football League where i was on the losing side in the finals that too in a shoot out. The pain of that defeat took almost a week to get over. After all i live and breathe football. The most exciting and wonderful game in the whole world. So losing out on penalties in the final after having dominated the league and been the best team was very hard to digest. No onder i didnt move the whole weekend. It was hurting like hell was another issue.

The second moment was the farewell that we gave to Kutty, the player. None of us can forget those inncent words, when having spent time miserably at the pool parlour and getting in the car to go home, Kutty perks up and asks innocently, "Ab hum kahan ja rahe hain?" Those words have remained and will remain along with the timeless, "Bhaiya pit rahe hain" and ofcourse, "Bhaiya ne khoon kar diya." So kutty has moved on leaving behind memories and a great farewell night. Probably the best I hav ever had while in Pentair. The sad thing is, when i leave i don't suppose there will be any one left to give me a farewell, like we have done for so many others.

So barring the occassional excitement that was generated by the not so hot Alka Yagnik look alike working as a trainee in our office, my life had few other points of entertainment during these past two months. So basically there wasn't an incentive for me to write. But somehow circumstances change and time presents you with opportunities that you either love or hate. To be fair life shows you both sides of the coin to give you a reality check as to who the boss really is. Saturday, 5th September 2009, is officially the best day of my life, no questions asked. It is the happiest day in my life so far and i guess will ci ntinue to be for a long time to come. I was happy, elated and prancing around with joy until the clock struck 11 PM on monday. That was you can say the worst day of my life. So i moved from being the happiest ever to being the saddest ever with in 2 days.

This sudden transition was so quick and so unsettling that it took me a full day just to get back to normal. And all through the day, i was cursing, crying, more cursing and sarcastic to the extent that i had nothing left in me at the end of the day. It was a roller coster ride which finally gave way to relief yesterday and since then i have been normal. I won't say i'm elated as that could again land me in trouble. Point is that its not the first time i have gone through this viciuos cycle. Many times in the past, i have crash landed from the skies after being a little too happy. Guess the lord doesn't like me being out of control when i'm happy or he knows that i might do things i would not want to while being happy and so to keep me in check throws these balls of fire to burn a hole in the unbrittled excitement.

So finally, problem is solved and i can do both the things i wanted to which basically means i'm flying out to US in the next week on an official trip. Although i'm going alone yet i'm very excited as not only it offers a world of opportunities but also it would be fun to get out of the mundane routine that has set in my life. So in essence, eagerly looking forward to the 16th when i'll be flying out leaving behind people i'm surely going to miss. So a new chapter gets added to my life which i have to wait and see how it will pan out. After a few weeks of tension and concentration a nice little break will surely help. In the meantime i might just try and figure out the one mystery of my life that i have never been able to answer, "Why the hell am i single?"