No. 50 - The Journey so far

This day, right now I'm writing my 50th article on this blog. My first ever attmpt at seriously writing about stuff that i would love to talk about with someone. Suffering from a perennial lack of people to share my views with, i was always filled with all the thoughts for which i never had an outlet. Probably that's why i used to talk to myself a lot. That is why i guess writing comes naturally to me. I know i'm not a great writer and all the stuff that i write is hardly entertaining let alone interesting at times but this much is true that whatever i write comes straight fro m the heart and the mind. There has not been an iota of fakeness in my writing ever. That some might say is just lack of imagination and yes i don't have anything to defend myself with on that. But still i believe that whatever i have written so far is genuine and my actual thoughts and feelings and hence holds sntimental value.

As the description on the top of this page shows i am quite choosy about topics that i write about and hence going through the last 49 articles you won't find a lot of variation in the topics that i have written on. Movies, politics, love & pain, self introspection and probably a few here and there, that's my total list of articles. I don't write flowery sentences. The ones that show off your vocabulary. I don't write enterprising articles depicting tales of some events that never really happened. I don't write about people's point of views. What i do write is about me, my thoughts, my feelings. Guess you can say i am a self centered pig but what can i do i love myself. The fact is that i can't write about how other people might think and react to a situation because if i'm writing about something that simply means i am interested in tallking about it and that leaves me the only candidate whose voice my mind is ready to listen.

I know like the other articles this one too is going to land up in a heap of mass , unread and unappreciated by many. After all there is nothing exciting about it. A no. 50 article should have been special, right? Actually, no. I don't need special numbers to get myself talking or doing stuff. I don't need a date to tell me that i should go tell my mom that i love her. I don't need a date to go and express my love to my special someone. I don't need a no. to write a fantastic article. So like the rest this one too has a bit of introspection built into it. A bit of self criticism and a bit of cynisicsm too. I know when i started out on this blog i wasn't very sure how far this was going to last. It just happened that i hated the idea of blogs to begin with. But now, 1.5 years down the line i feel like this was the best decision that i had ever taken. I don't care if my articles are read only by those whom i mail the content and that outside those 10 people there is hardly any visitor on my blog but that is not a dampener.

Agreed it kind of hurts not being so popular as a blogger after all who wouldn't want a little bit of appreciation. But i know that i am not writing this blog for people's pleasures. It's a gateway for me to at times let out my frustration without harming anyone and at times talk about stuff that i really want to express my thoughts on. This is more or less my online diary and i guess it's fine if it ain't read by many as it leaves it a tad personal. In Dec 2007 when i started this blog it was my way of getting back at people who had hurt me without going up to them to let them know that i was being hurt. Slowly, the feelings faded away and i started writing about stuff that i wanted to talk about. Slowly my interest started increasing and consequently a lot of what was going on my mind came out in the form of words on a page. Looking back now i feel that it has helped me in more ways than one. It has helped me keep myself sane in the time of struggles and heartaches and at the same time helped me improve my writing and to some extent my usage off english language. 

I know i am still far off from being a true artist, i am a novice i would say and would continue to be so for a long time to come. But yes, my writing has given me a renewed sense of confidence and belief in myself, something i was surely lacking when i first started out. Today i come across many people who have writing as a hobby/interest and i hear their efforts and it hurts to know that i am somehow not in that league yet. But i guess, i have never truly tried hard to be in that league. I have continued writing in my own, mundane style week in and week out. I am not a show man but i do want to believe that i am a craftsman. I am polishing an honing the writer in me so that someday it can reach heights that i only dream of right now. I know i am trend setter. After all i have made four of my friends start writing about their feelings but i won't call them bloggers yet. They don't have the zeal yet though Zoo Zoo is showing some signs. I though am a bit surprised. Over the years my weakness has been my quick loss of interest in things. But blogging somehow has managed to survive for a long time.

I don't know if i should call this blogging or not. Like i said this is more of an online diary and since i don't go and read other people's blogs apart from those my friends write and send across, i think it wouldn't be right. But again since this is a web log, blog seems the natural adjective. I was once told to write in a way that leaves the reader searching for more. A gripping tale or narrative that makes you go on reading no matter how long it is. You should be able to make the reader commit to you. And in the end he must be left awestruck (or at least near enough). But till date that has not happened with me. My writing style is such that i can't put in the spice. I love the writing style that i was told to adopt i know, but i guess somewhere inside me i am just a bit lazy to make that extra effort. I know i should sign off now as i have blabbered on for long and nothing important has come about and ofcourse this will only further dip the IRP's of the blog, so i am saying goodnight to the owls and to those burning the midnight oil for god knows what reason....

The Great Indian Democracy

Three more days and the elections to elect the ruling government for the world's largest democracy comes to an end. Three more days for the elephant to dance. After a long and tiring journey spanning almost 5 weeks spread over 5 phases, the voters will have voted and the fate of god knows thousands of candidates will be sealed. The begging from the voters comes to an end and so does the constant ranting against opponents. The mud slinging and the promises all are now over. The manifestos strewn across the face of the land as the billions of rupees spent on this behemoth find their way into somebody's pockets. Three more days and the noise of the loudspeakers and the blaring of horns and loud music on the roads as well as the radio comes to an end. The use of electronic media was well as the radio and the internet by the 'national parties' was commendable. The parties pulled out all stops to make themselves visible to the public.

Sure enough this was a special time for many first time voters. After all you get to vote for the country once every 5 years only. Many confused souls didn’t know who to support and who to reject. Guess they didn't give a damn about politics. Voting was the in thing and nobody wants to be left out from the acceptable group now do they. Many didn’t vote as they were not in their constituencies. They were away from their homeland. They can go for their excursions into the country side for a weekend getaway but no they can’t take a leave to go out and vote. That is just not that important on their list. After all who cares who gets voted in, it’s of no concern to us, as if what they do somehow means something. Many would agree to this line of thought others would simply shrug their shoulders in saying that they didn’t have their voter id. It’s like they wouldn’t go out to get that clothes and accessories when they need them. But getting a voter id is too much a trouble to take.

God knows how India is running forward with full steam with a lackadaisical govt. slumbering along while the elephant wants the speed much like in a stampede. Everyone is amazed as to how the Indian economy is booming despite the fact that India ranks amongst the lowest in terms of human development and corruption indices. It’s the entrepreneurs who are making the clock tick and if someday they decide to stop the engine will come to a screeching halt. The inefficient governments (no matter which party comes to power) seems to be all at sea when it comes to the crucial questions of security, foreign policy and economy only tend to increase the distrust amongst the voters regarding their candidates. Everybody is fed up of the corruption so deeply ingrained in the political and bureaucratic system ever since Nehru first decided to overlook the demon seed.

Yet the quintessential hope never fails. Every Indian despite the odds believes and dreams of a better future for them and for the country. It’s this hope that keeps on taking them back to the voting booth to try and put in their effort to elect a capable govt. that has the power to do what they had promised during the elections. That is why the elections still manage to generate the hoopla and the excitement both in the lives of public and the media that covers every inch of the activities. Sure enough there are loads of complaints against every government across the country but a point to be kept in mind is that those who don’t/didn’t vote have no right to blame the govt. They were not a part of electing it then they should just shut the bloody hell up and accept what they got.

All this now leads to a totally different arena. The arena of horse trading where every party coming up short must sell their souls and ideas to get the coveted seat in the cabinet. They must try and conjure up the nos. to form the new govt. for which they have worked so hard. So what, if in the process they have to compromise on their ideals, the very thing the public looked at when voting for them. That doesn’t matter at all. The seat of power is what matters as it would guarantee a 5 year period of rule during which they can accumulate masses of wealth and probably stop worrying about a secure future. After all some tens of crores of rupees is not enough to last another 10 years right, because that is what is the future average life expectancy of the politicians today. They need more and much more to fill their coffers. Suck out the blood of the Indian masses, making them work hard and then take away their money to fill their pockets. Gosh that is a very hard thing to do. To do all this in only 5 years is expecting too much.

But rest assured in a weeks time we will know whether the coming of age Indian public has really voted sensibly and chosen the lesser of the two evils or has it as always gone ahead and given the baton to the devil himself so that he can come back and smack you right in the face with it and yet make it feel like he has helped you in some way. A week at max is what will tell the world what India will give them in the form of govt. A week to rejoice and usher in 5 years of mourning………

Death

One Two Three...stand back. Again, one two three...... No we will not give up. Again................ All the time the sirens of the ambulance constantly blaring in the background as the vehicle moves through the traffic to take the victim to the hospital. Luck plays a major role if they manage to get to the hospital on time. But even hen the patient loses his fight against time and all that is left is a one big heap of mass. Loved by many, cherished by some and might even hated by few. But fact is all the feelings come to nought when the angels of darkness come calling, taking away the life given so measurably by the lord.

I admit, my tryst with writing (disregarding my earlier attempts at it when i was in school) began with a poem where i was famously courting death. I did so to make it interesting, to add up the spice. I wasn't serious at all about it when i wrote that, probably because i was only 18 at that point of time. It was more fun oriented than anything else. But over the years, life and time have taught me things that would surely make it imprudent to make fun of death. It's the living reality that all of us know about but surely never admit.

Death can take away people you considered closest, people you loved the most, people you cared for, people you respected, people you wanted to have in your life and some even you never cared for to begin with. But this doesn't mean that you are not bothered by the outcome. You are because you are good souls. You feel the pain when you see the urchins begging, the deformed kids trying to walk with their heads held high, the forces of nature crashing down on helpless individuals, the suffering that is so evident everywhere around us. You see and feel all that. Death has its own way of showing things to people, to make them understand the reality.

I have seen it very closely albeit only 2-3 times. Losing family members everytime and one a very near miss. Sure it hurts like hell. Having the wind sucked out of you in a jiffy. Initially you fall into a pit of disbeleif. How can it be true? There must be some mistake. As if death would have asked you before it came knocking. Although it should have you feel, but that's not how reality transpires, does it? 

Each time i lost somebody, i made up an excuse. It's better they died as the place is no longer worth living. They were facing so many problems. It's better they are far from it now and the likes. I was never troubled by death as such. I had always taken it as part of life and moved on. But it does sting for some time. In my case that time has always been short lived. To this i sometimes feel that i might just be heartless. A heart devoid of any emotions. One who cares only for worldly pleasures and not the real things that matter - emotions. I don't know how i'll be judged in the court of the lord but i am very confused by what i should or should not do in such situations.

Death makes life seem so short. Anything can happen to you at any time. You have zero control over it. Then why the hell are we fighting for that inch of space, salary, land, feelings etc? Why?Why are we running like fools after something that's non existent to begin with?Why are throwing away our lives? Simly because its simpler this way. The hard way of meditation and spiritualism doesn't have the zing and the bling that we crave for always. I know all this is run of the mill stuff and anybody under the sun can write it and yeah probably you have heard all this a million times in your life but what can i do, if something so shocking happens you are bound to feel the aftershocks albeit for a short time (in my case that is).

I guess the strength of character comes up when you face this situation face up and stand up to the demands of emotions always putting up a brave face. That's what character really is. Standing tall in adversity. Not letting situations bog you down and moving forward to defeat the demons of pain. 

I am grieved today by the loss of a person i didn't even knew. I only knew the girl who knew the person. I don't even know the guys full name, yet i am disturbed. The boy meant the world to the girl and the girl is a very good friend of mine. So in this pseudo friendship of sorts, i am grieving. Funny, yes if you want to have a look at the lighter side of it. But it all boils down to what are we here for? When there is nothing in our hands then what are we here for? We can't control where we are born. We can't control how we're born. We can't control how we are going to die. We can't control when we're going to die. Then what are we doing? I am not a spiritual guru and i can't answer that question. But i somehow feel that we are in this world simply to determine what we'll become in the next................ 

P.S. - An ode to you dear, you know i know that you'll pull through this time (you have already begun on that path).

IPL

"It's big, it's going, it's out of the park for a DLF Maximum. Boy that man can hit some pretty big ones. 100 metres the distance it travelled. You're absolutely right my friend, that wasn't a bad ball either. Just goes to show what power this man has and the timing." Something you would have heard a hundred times over the las fortnight. As the second season of IPL currently going on in South Africa moves into the second phase, the cricket buffs across the country and quite possibly the world are not complaining. The excitement of last ball finishes along with the total domination of 100 runs victory, everything keeps you glued to the seat in front of the idiot box for a full 3.5 hrs.

Lalit Modi engineered this mega event last year was a run away success beating competition at the box office by more than a mile (figuratively). This year too after the hiccups the event has got going and brought out some good surprises in terms of the teams leading and lagging behind in the pack. This money crunching machine, pitting individuals of the same national team against each other. Such is the prfessionalism in the players that even while playing against old friends they are thinking of the team's interests first. That or maybe the money that his being doled out is making the choices for them. Eitherway, this mix and match of nationalities and personalities and charactes has surely brought the playing teams closer.

The event commands a world wide audience and is well appreciated in all parts of the cricketing universe making it a true global event next to only the World cup. But among all this craze for cricket and the excitement over the shrtest form of game (so far), there is something else running around hidden from the view. That is the brains and the management of BCCI - Board of Control of Cricket in India. The men behind this gamut of frenzy, the real men who thought up this event. The ones who eked out the details. The guys who brought in the money. Everyone has done a stupendous job to take the game to an all time high level. Agreed T20 attracts more viewership than other forms of the game and thus is bound be more successful/profitable. Still as they say in cricket you have to put away the bad ball to make it count. Same goes for this.

The men shrewd in their planning knew what they were doing and what they wanted. Now that is a sign of good management. People with brains putting them to good use and milking the oppurtunity that presented itself when India won the T20 worldcup. This sort of idea does make you wonder, whether this can be incorporated in some other game or can this be helful elsewhere. Hockey was a step ahead in this when they launched the Hockey Premier League 3 years ago, but low popularity of the sport made the event a non starter. No wonder the national game is in the ruin. Compared to cricket where India hasn't done a lot to make the nation proud, Hockey in the past has brought in huge laurels. Slowly that populartity was lost and predictably the national game had to move aside to lend the centrestage to something else. In this cricket crazy nation (much like football is to England) the day starts and ends with some or the other piece of cricketing action being viewed across the country.

Sure enough it's cricket that is hitting the headlines even as the largest democracy in the world dances to the tunes of election. Political parties crying their hearts out but to no avail as voter turn out remains dismal at 50%. Yet the viewership for the IPL matches remains high enough at around 70%. People having no interest in cricket too find time to watch a few overs but somehow to go out and vote is a big problem for them. Yes elections are for their country this time and not the state or the municipality for that matter (I doubt if people even know that we vote for the municipality too). Even the cinema halls are not running any new releases. IPL has hit every other business hard. Yet no one is complaining. Why should they? It'll be over in another fortnight or so and lives will be back to normal.

People will move on to other cricket matches, movies, studies, jobs etc. and IPL memories might just be lost in all the din. The only thing that will be running about IPL would be the coffers of BCCI with Lalit Modi sitting on a pile of cash and smiling like The Lord Buddha..........

I'm Back - But To What?

Seems like my punchline for the day. Yes i have been going around saying this line over and over again today. Where am i back from - I am back from Srinagar and the valley of Kashmir. A wonderful trip of 6 long days. Gardens, flowers, mountains, snow, horses, mountains, trees, snow. It was all breathtaking. Just too good to say the least. A trip which i sure would never have made myself and was coaxed into only by my sis - the livewire in the family. But it was a wonderful trip nevertheless even with all the security concerns. Just goes to show what some illogical persons can do to a wonderful place. The valleys were awesome, the snow covered mountains too. The majestic view of the Himalayas was by far the best thing i had seen as a nature lover. Predictably we went around clicking shots at very nook and corner much to the annoyance of mom and bro. 

To begin with the gardens of Srinagar are so very beautiful. Too many variety of flowers and fountains running through the centre. Set up in the Mughal era these really make the valley heaven on earth. Then the snow covered rads and mountains of Sonmarg. I had never seen so much ice and snow before. Mountains fully cloaked in a white dress so pure. The sleigh ride down from the mountain top at full speed, bouncing over the edges and the brakes applied making it a fantastic experience. Then came the valley of Pahalgam. Taking the horses to reach the clearance in the midst of the valley. Gulmarg came and along came rain to spoil the fun. Shikara ride on the magnificent dal lake was also an experience to have. 

Bidding adieus to the valley we moved to Patnitop where another chilly day awaited us. Nathu top with the Pir Panjal range on one side and the Himalayas on the other with chiily winds blowing was again breathtaking. Ride to Udhampur and the ride back home on the train was also a great journey. So I'm back home after 6 days of winter break in the midst of summer. Back to our very own Delhi-15. Back to the rigours of office, back to the facilities of phone and internet. Back amongst the group of friends i am soon going to lose. Back to the sweltering heat of Delhi. Back to the same tensions and travails. Back to the same pollution and noise. Back to a lot many things.

But do i want all this? After the experience of a lifetime in the past 6 days. What a wasteful life we must be living in right. Sadly the lifetime experience is too heavy on the pocket to sustain for long. So in the end..running out of options we have to settle for saaddi dilli. I love Delhi make no mistake about it. I have lived here all my life. I love travelling through it everyday. I love the trees and the well maintained roads. I love almost everything about it. But there is also the negative aspect to it. I love being in touch with my phone and internet again. But doesn't that make my life mundane as before - doing the same old tasks. 

Soon my group of 5 - The Famous five some may call us will break up. People moving to greener pastures. My best friend of past 7 years will finally move away. Sure i'm happy he is moving to a great new place but i am also selfishly sad for having to let these guys go. My fun time spoilt and lost by my own deeds nonetheless. I would have loved to join last year itself. This year too would have been great. Guess it might not be written for me. The peaceful nature and the noiselessness of the valley quickly lost on the noise filled streets here. The trip now remains as a part of the memory that is captured in the photographs. 

So taking all this and a few other things in mind i ask again - What am I back to?

HOPE

You got to have faith/hope. Many songs/poems have been written on this theme. Virtues of hope are abound in nature. Everyone keeps on harping on faith and hope as the medium of future. "Look for a better future. Have faith and hope and things will turn out differently," so say a lot of people. People in every walk of life live everyday by this thread of hope for someting better than today. I too have time and again sliced off my favourite dialogue,"Hope pe duniya kayam hai." Guess there is a lot of faith in the very funda of faith and hope amongst the masses today, probably more than there ever was. But does hope really help?

I don't want to tread on the lines of blasphemy here. I know many people live their life on hope alone. But still my mind races to question the effectiveness of hope. How can faith and hope be helpful? Is it not just another way to avoid looking at the reality? Foolishly developing a non existent atmosphere where everything in your or someone else's life will be perfect. Can it really be helpful? Emotionally, yes. Hope lets you play with your emotions. Masking the reality. Conceiling it from your eyes.

You must be wondering why this tirade suddenly against something as pure as hope. Has this guy gone crazy? Well to allay your fears, no i have not gone crazy. No i have not turned a pessimist. No I'm not sad. No i'm not disturbed. In my continuous endeavour for self introspection and trying to learn about myself by delving into the past, i have come across certain instances in  life that have made me question the theatrics of hope. These instances have compelled me to think about hope in a different manner. Let me make one thing clear here. I have been the biggest supporter of having hope as a means to sustaining life. 

Case1: Cards - Infatuation leading to the eternal losses. 

My love for cards has compelled me time and again to play and play for money and further increasing the amount everytime i play. This keeping in mind that i don't have luck factor in life. Luck is never on my side. Still in the eternal feeling of hope, i played everytime hoping to get lucky someday and bag a big hand someday. Hoping continuously to win big. But i lost more each and everytime. Hope made me bankrupt and the butt of a lot of jokes. 

Case 2: Girlfriend

Never had a girlfriend in my life. Had a few friends who are girls but never was in a relationship. Got lucky once. Developed a close and good friend. One who understood me. Who didnt't treat me like others. Who I thought really cared for me. But alas, there too luck was not by my side. She already had a boyfriend. But she never took me as boyfriend material. I was always the FRIEND. But i hung on in a hope that someday she would realise my true love and accept my love. Hope was what that kept me going. Hope that someday she will be mine. Alas, i had to swallow the bitter pill that she can never be mine. 

Case3: Education

The most important thing in my life has been a good education. I had always considered myself a strong contender for an MBA degree. That is why year after year i have appeared for entrances and banking on hope,luck,hardwork to get me through. I never doubted my abilities and skills. Always thinking of hope as my sole support to tide me through. But here too luck deserted me time and again. After 4 years of struggle, I am left high and dry by my hope and the ephemeral luck. 

What all of this has brought me to understand is that hope actually can not be that helpful. Destiny is what makes things happen. Its the destiny that decides the future and the present for an individual. Hope plays a very miniscule part here. But then why do we bank upon it? Why do we favour it so much? Why do we give so much importance to it? Apart from emotional value does hope include anything else? But then can we do without hope? Confused state i am in. Knowing nt what to think. Past leads me to believe the fruitlessness of hope but my heart pulls me towards it time and again. What should i do? What can i do? HOPE i can get some answers.........

LIFE SUCKS

LIFE SUCKS.....yes mine. Time and again I have come out to whine about how things in my life have never gone according to plan and I am left broken and shattered by the turn of events. Yes people may not like this attitude of mine and my constant cribbing but what am I to do? Things right from the time I remember have never happened the way I would have liked them to happen. The perennial shortage of friends that I could call my FRIENDS has been a major stumbling block. The oh so necessary education has always come with a rider. Not knowing what to do with what I have got. The lack of interest people have shown in me as if they are standing next to a statue. The need to have that special someone by your side. Whether you want to share your joy or your sorrow. All of this and much more that I have yearned/craved for but never got.

People might say that this is a familiar story, what’s new about you? Well I am not here to contest an election and decide who has the saddest life. I am here to write about my own travails. I am here to ask why the hell am I always on the short end of the stick? To this again people would say, grow up. Take it in your stride and move forward. We haven’t got all day to sit and listen to your sobs. But the twists in life don’t seem to end for me. It’s not that all of the pain and disappointments have happened at once in my life. I have had moments of peace and calm in between and been happy during those times. But time and again these situations arise that just knock the wind out of me.

I know that you have to accept what you get at times and learn to live with it. I know how to that. In fact that’s probably what I have been doing all my life. But my problems arise when an already bad situation deteriorates further. I might have accepted my fate. I might have taken it in my stride and moved on. But then something happens that takes the things to a new low and me along with it. I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach where it feels that all I’m going to do is throw up.

Why does it happen to me? Why when I have shaken hands with destiny does providence come knocking and takes me straight to hell. It’s not in one area of life that I have problems with. If that would have been the case, I would have thought differently. But since these problems exist in all the domains I am beginning to feel heavy. I don’t know if I have the strength left in me to face these situations anymore. This continuous sapping of energy from my reserves is continuously eroding my inner strength.

Why? Why? I can’t seem to put a finger on why am I constantly facing these problems. Why things never look up for me and when they do, why they always change for the worse. Things changing for the better are something I haven’t experienced as yet. Why the people around me whom I value so much (you would have no idea how much) always go out of their way (unknowingly mostly) to cause that extra bit of pain. Have I wronged them in any way? Have I hurt them in some way that I don’t know and for which they are hurting me back?

All these questions are hanging around my head and I have no idea what their answer can be. I wrote in an earlier article that music is one friend that can never harm me. I got a comment that this is a wrong statement. But now writing this article, taking a line from THE WRESTLER – “its out here that I get hurt not inside the ring,” I can be 100% sure when I say it’s the people as FRIENDS that are always the real cause of pain in life………………

 

If You Smellllll..........What the Don is Cooking

Yeah i know the title is somewhat strange but its taken from the best line i have heard in sports entertainment from the one and only The Peoples Champ and yes suitably modified for me. But yes otherwise the title stands true. Can you smell what i am cooking? Cooking is an art to say the least. The aroma of food rising in to the air and capturing the senses of everyone around is truly mesmerizing. I don't know why is it so, guess its because we all love food so much. Our bulging and now embarrassing bellies stand testament to that.

Which brings me to the point i want to talk about. I love cooking and probably that is why i love helping out in kitchen at home. I love the feeling, when you are appreciated for some thing you have done. The enjoyment you get seeing the look of fulfillment or satisfaction on the face of others, after having devoured your effort. People say that this is the ultimate gift for a chef, i agree. I know i can't cook anything. All i can do is make tea (i'm very good at that :) ) and it feels good when i get appreciated.

I have an iclination towards cooking and like listening about new recipes. When i hear the experiments people do to dishes, it generates a feeling of exciement which yearns to be fulfilled at the earliest. Sadly my memory doesn't permit me to remember things like these for long. It's all the less important stuff that i or my mind rather love to remember. But i am a fan which needs to delve a bit more into this artistic lane. Slowly but surely i have grown a liking to the field of artistry. 

It has so many avenues that i have never explored. So many things i know nothing of. So much to discover. Probably that is why i am shifting my focus to this field to try and see if i have it in me to deliver in this field. So that being said i know i'm talking big words here (big enough for me to handle :) ) , i am going to get myself a recipe book and start with the art of cooking to make the dishes that i love to listen about. Give the artist in me a chance to think and act rather than get suppressed in the melodrama of education.......

Seven

Seven items to describe me or things about me. A different approach, definitely. Let's see what I churn up.

Item #1: Girls

Never had a happy story to tell. Although i am ridiculed for chatting with girls only, fact is they are only chats and nothing more. Don't know what is the matter here but girls just don't seem to find me busy :D, I'm always free. Yet after all this I'm still single. Can it be because i consider myself the BEST Bachelor around. I don't believe that is causing a hindrance. Rest i leave to God to make me understand coz i just can't make any heads or tails of it.

Item #2: Education

Never been a top grader in anything i have ever done. Always in the rat race though for different reasons. Studied hard to get into DCE. Failed miserably as a student. Got placed after another struggle. Then thought of another innovative idea. Lets do MBA. Since i was never a technical guy, at least i have never considered myself one, it seemed like a logical choice for higher education.Been trying for 4 years now without a single convert.

Item #3: Sports

Always had a love for fats. Guess that explains my attraction to girls. PJ's are allowed so don't worry. Coming back to point. Never had an athletic build. I was the guy who could cheer his team but never be on the pitch and if i ever was then i wouldn't be doing a good job rest assured. Yes i like to watch a lot of games and have interest in quite a few but the only game i have ever played with true passion has been Football. The game where my heart truly belongs.

Item #4: Writing

Don't know if i am qualified to be called a writer or not, but i sure would like to believe that i am. Always had an inclination to writing. Started with poetry in hindi, moved to poems in english. Now i'm into blogging though i don't visit other blogs. Isn't that ironical? You can say my blog is just like an online diary. This has anyhow helped me improve my writing abilities.

Item #5: Criticism

The self proclaimed critic - my nick name at times. Yes i don't like a lot of things. I'm very hard to please no doubt about it. But that can be because i have very high expectations from people and things around me. Yes this tendency to criticize has posed problems in the past but i don't want life to be walk on rose petals. Guess that what gives me a realistic outlook to life.

Item #6: Music

Rock and metal music. The noise (thought not as loud as heavy metal music) gives me a high like nothing else can. It is the one friend that can never harm me. It engulfs my life, my being. It can cheer me up. It can push me to the upper limits. Only thing is that i need to broaden my horizons on this front. Too long i have stayed in the shadows of a select breed of bands.

Item #7: Friends

My friendship comes at a price. No this is not arrogance. I demand a lot from my friends. I expect a lot from them in my life. Simply because i rate them the highest in my life. I would do anything for my friends. That is why i demand them to be responsible and supportive. I have failed on this front a lot and as a result have been hurt a lot too. But that hasn't stopped me from being who i am. That i call the Myth of Friendship.

There are many other points that i could have raised about me here but they fall by the side as compared to these. If something important shows up well i guess i'll write another article.

I have never seen you in that way

Ahh.... that kind of feels like a stab straight into the heart. A wound inflicted upon thee by thy own longing. A result of the feeling you so wanted to express to the person infront of you. But what do you get in return? A timid but terse reply - "I have never seen you in that light." Your expression of love turned away politely. Why does this happen? After the time you spent with the person. Even after spending all your time trying to listen, handle, solve their problems. Even after being or trying deparately to become a pillar of support for them. Why is it that they can not see your emotions? This is not to suggest that you did all this for your own need. You provided the support because you actually cared. You wanted them to be happy. You would have given anything and everything for that smile to remain. 

They do acknowledge your support and care. They are thankful for that and mean it from the bottom of their heart. But.....they had never seen you in that light. Period. For them you are the friend that would be always there for them. While you the wanna be Knight in Shinning Armour had by now developed those forsaken feelings that you never thought could arise are left to the torture of the mind. The mind- the fastest animal alive. The questions and answers popping in and out every minute. What torture do they put you through. You want it all to be over so you could have some peace. You finally decide to take the plunge and pour your heart out.

"But.... I have never seen you in that light." This is when it hits you. You fool of a KNIGHT. The biggest misinterpretator of all. What made you think she would be interested? Having been there for her for some time doesn't give you a right to impose yourself on her feelings. She needed a friend and you took it too far. You betrayer. You should be slain along with all the monsters that ever existed. Okay that was taking it too far. Coming back to normality. What does all this mean then? You could never have a chance? Or you could if you just tried it slowly for some more time. Maybe she will see it later and accept it. Maybe she will realise that i am wat she is actually looking for. Maybe she will come to me one day and say, "oh my handsome prince please never leave my side for i want you to be with me always." Bravo...bravo!! where's the award damn it? 

Yes you would be thinking along the same lines. But that was brought upon thee by thy own self. Your ambitions, your expectations, your feelings. When will you ever stop thinking about yourself? Selfish son of a gun. Try thinking about others once in a while. You fool, destroyed or at least jeopardised a perfectly good friendship. Why did you have to listen to your heart? Your mind is more logical and reasonable. Listen to it for a change. Please. Well what now you think. What to do? Will things be same? Will she turn cold? Will she talk? Who will i find now that she can't be the one? What will happen to me? Will I die alone? You feel like crying. Man where is that award? 

You ponder on the event. You think why did it happen the way it did. You talk around. You are not the only one. Many comrades have suffered the brunt of JAF- Just A Friend. You take hope. This might not be all that bad. You have company. There many like you, thinking and wondering. You delve deep into the never ending abyss. You reach a conclusion that satisfies your ego. You love your interpretation. The self obsessed narcissist pig has reached an explanation. She is wrong. She doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. I do. Ask me. Keeping this thought in mind the Knight jumps on his steed in search of new pastures where the grass is green. Forgetting the time gone by. He enters a new land. Beauty beholds and he falls in love instantly. He cries his heart out the next week to her and waits for her response. The lips part. He looks at them. They move to say something. But he is mesmerized my their movement and the words miss his ears. The last sentence gets registered though -"But... I have never seen you in that light."

P.S. - Please pass this on to all those who have been through this like this Knight - the brave son of a gun.

Blasphemy or Ignorance

When i visit a temple i know what i am doing. whom i am worshipping and also what the figures/statues signify/denote. But when i visit any other religious monument i am totally at a loss. Why is it that i don't know what to do? I know after all they are worshipping one form or the other of god. But somehow i can't put a finger to it. Lets face it. I know a lot about hindu mythology and all the gods you can find in a temple, i am well aware of them and who all they are and what all they have done. But i also know that Christ was the son of the God and christians worship the son and the god and the virgin mary the mother of Christ. They pray to the lord keeping him in mind and the cross as the sacred symbol.Atleast that is what i believe.

Prophet brought islam to the world and though i know they don't believe in idol worship but i really don't know what they do in a mosque. Yes they pray to the Prophet Mohammad. But since they don't use any idol then what form do they give their lord when the muslims worship? So if i went to a mosque who should i be praying to? When i see images of the Mecca i see the big black building. Somehow it is connected to the devil that is what i know though i am not very sure of it.

This brings me to gurudwaras. I faced my current dilemma on my recent trip to Amritsar and as expected there were gurudwaras galore. Each having its own significance and value. Each revered by one and all. But what i didn't know was that what i am praying to. Sikhs too i believe don't believe in idol worship and though Guru Nanak Dev did certainly bring sikhism to the world, he is not the one being worshipped. Its the Guru Granth Sahib that is worshipped in gurudwaras. I came to know about it only in Amritsar. There are different levels/floors where the priests read the holy book and people come and worship. But is Guru Granth Sahib or its copies is present in all the floors? If so what is the purpose of having the same holy book kept in different rooms in the same gurudwara?

If i look at a temple then yes i can say that all temples are same. No difference what so ever. But inside a particular temple you can find different gods which ahave separate chambers. There is a semblance of normalcy atleast i believe so. People visiting a temple can associate with what they see and know what they are worshipping. But is this because i am hindu and have been brought up by learning about the different gods? As far as i remmember i have never been taught about other religions in great detail.Whatever knowledge i have is from movies and stories off the net.

Personally i can say that i am not a religious person though i am spiritual. Which simply means that i believe in god from the bottom of my heart but i don't believe in religions and communalism. I believe that all religions talk about one god and that they in essence are just different methods people use to worship god in their own way. But a very important point i want to raise is that why is it that i don't have knowledge of all the religions that are practiced in the world. Why is it that it is left to us to know about other religions and no in depth education is given on this subject which is free of prejudice. Why is it that i don't know what is worshipped in different religions? Aren't we all worshipping the one common god? Can there be two gods - one for islam and one for christianity?

I may be treading on the lines of blasphemy here by what i am writing but i sincerely believe that like me there are millions perhaps billions of lost souls out there who have no idea of what they are worshipping or who their neighbours are worshipping. Why so much of ignorance? This i believe is the premier cause of why fundamental groups of different mindsets manipulate us as puppets and make us do things which we could never have dreamed of doing otherwise. Sentiments are very easy to exploit and blind sentiments at that are simply irrestible.

Is this the way to go? Is this how we should live?I know there is lot of preaching going on here which again matches with my overall demenour but i am disappointed in myself for being so ignorant.........

Elections are coming

Elections always bring in a sense of nostalgia in me. A sense of belonging, headiness and charm. Yes they are big. Bigger than anything the world could ever see. Bigger than Obama victory. Time for India to crown its chief again. I remember how 10 years ago when as kid i would wake up early for 3 consecutive days to watch the nos. unfold. The countdown had begun already. BJP leading here, Congress there, Third Front lagging there. All the excitement. All the debates. The fights. Man those were awesome days. Politics is something important to me and yes it should be to all of us.
After all these are the very people that are going to make rules and regulations for us. They are in a sense going to influence our lives. Why shouldn't we care. We should be more active i say. Time is with us to help fight the incumbents. The nation needs change. The era of coalition politics has hampered the growth which we want to see. My plea to all my countrymen is to bring in a party that has absolute majority. A single party heading the government can do wonders which we can only dream of.
Agreed it can work the ther way round too but our political system is not so weak to let it happen. It has stood the test of time and India even after 62 years of Independence has managed to survive and grow when no body believed it could. Inspite of all the troubles we have managed to surge. We must believe in ourselves. We ought to do what is right for the country. Rise above petty politics and take the decisions that will lead India on the path to success.
Trouble is brewing across our borders and it needs to be checked. The nation needs people who can deliver the goods. Who are strong willed to take actions. Who have a spine that is rigid. India needs leaders and we as the citizens should be able to give her that. After all that has been done for us it's time we did something for the nation. I am not asking you to fight. All i ask for is to get up and VOTE. Execise the one right the govt. actually wishes us to exercise.
Like i said earlier its time to reclaim your life, only now i would like to say it's time to RECLAIM YOUR NATION......Caste your ballot. PLEASE DO VOTE.

I've Said Too Much

Woahhh!!! this is heaven. This is life man. When god created us this is how he wanted us to live. Keep doing your duties your actions but don't worry about outcomes. I'll shorten it. DON'T WORRY, period. There is so much to talk about. Slumdog, exams and god knows what else.
But i am too excited too happy to write anything. I so wanted to write about slumdog. What a movie, what a story what everything. But I'm not now. First its been too long since i saw it. Secondly enough has been already said and written. I don't want to be the piggy rider.
So Slumdog i salute you. I would also like to thank Mr. Danny Boyle for making the film. Mr. A.R.Rahman for the mind blowing music. Mr. Simon for the story. Mr. Dev Patel and Freida Pinto for acting and the crew and everyone else involved for being part of the film. Is this good enough for the academy or do i need more emotion?
Coming back to my original point. I'M FREE. Free as a bird baby. Free like the river gushing out towards the sea. There is a rush of emotions. There is so much i want to do. There is so much i want to happen. But finally after 4 years my struggle is over. At least in part. No more worries and tensions over papers. No more AIMCATS, CAT, IIFT, XAT. Wow, that is amazing. Yes i have to wait for the result. Yes it won't be long in coming, 3-4 weeks maybe. But there is one thing. It doesn't matter whether i make it or not. This part of my life is over.
It feels like ATLAS has just got the globe lifted off his shoulders. Yipee.... I want to jive. I want to groove. I want to croon. I want to roam. I want to do all that i have stopped myself from doing for these 4 years. I want to reclaim my life. MAybe a TATA SAFARI would do, what say? Naah...that is some distance away. Got my santro and it runs fine. I want to learn guitar. I want a girlfriend. After all till when am i going to be a bachelor man. I need change and that is what I'm gonna do. Change myself. I was fun loving. I was wild. But guess that person got lost in all this focus on studies and MBA. If i get in nothing like it. But if luck doesn't help me out this time then all i would say is LUCK BY CHANCE, sorry Farhan i am a big fan but i guess not all people can boast of something like you.
Man i'm young, when did i turn old?When did the spark dim? I hope that this spark lasts for long this time. I wouldn't want it to die anytime soon. I, a believer in life and god can be so sobre so tense so over matured. The more i think of it the more i'm beginning to dislike my 7 hour ago self. So i guess i should stop doing that. Plus i can't rumble on anymore. I'm not drunk for christ's sake. So here's to all you guys. Make it your last man. Get in or get out. We are bigger than this. We are wasting away. Stop doing this and that. Stop worrying. Start loving and enjoying. It feels so good. Get up and RECLAIM YOUR LIFE.........................

Not a happy reading.....maybe!!!!!

Time is the biggest healer or so we have heard. But I am going a step further to suggest how the biggest force on this earth is time. How it controls our lives and dictates who the real boss is. We can wilfully waste away time or spend it judiciously but what we end up with is totally in the hands of time. The designs of our life are scripted in time. I am writing this ode to time simply because i have time and again come to realize the enormity of what time puts infront of us. How we can never control what should happen in our lives.
I would take a very vivid example. Two days ago i was all energetic and happy in the morning when i reached office. For no particular reason i was feeling elated and ready to take on the world. It was like i was finally free for some time. The day wore out and i was happy in general. Although such happiness had in the past forced me to think twice, but not this time. I had stopped given heed to all that now.
I don't know what happened but when i was returning home, i was a living ghost. A mirror image of myslef in the morning. Not speaking a word. Not enjoying the conversation. What had happened that had changed my mood so suddenly. Well there are things that you don't know or rather can't control and that is where the wheels of time roll in and change what ever that it was you had planned. Ruining your well laid out plans and leaving you bitter and sad. Now i surely don't tend to imply that all time can do is change good to bad. It can very well change bad to good too in matter of seconds if i may add.
Not getting into that i would like to ask then why are we living this monotonous life when there is nothing that we can control. When we have to live by what is being served to us and wait. Is this life worth living? Yes it is. Yes i do believe that this life is worth living for. The very anticipation of not knowing what's going to come up next is enthralling. Why do we need to be in control? Why do we need to know everything? Why can't we let things be? This is where all the answers come up. If we knew everything then what would be the fun? That would be the biggest disappointment now wouldn't it, counting down the seconds when you die....5..4..3..2...1...oops forgot to say bye.........
Looks like i have turned this one too into something that was not intended. I didn't intend this to be a phsyiological essay. I was thinking about something else but as the time passed i lost track of what i had in my mind and started writing what came to my mind and this is what i came up with. I'm not sad now. But i'm not that energetic self too. Then what am i feeling right now? What should i be feeling? Should i let time decide................

Lattoo main Lattoo.....WTF...

Its time once again for everybody to ring in the New Year.........ok i admit i'm vastly late in saying this but to be honest i didnt have any time before today to write anything. My last post about the glorified Indian voter was all about politics. The article was in response to one posted by Rajdeep Sardesai on CNN-IBN. It was an ode to how the indian voter had matured as an individual and learn to decide what is wrong and what is right. Well i for one am having some real hard time believing all that. As when you see the same people doing stuff that is so different from maturity and understanding levels, i don't know what to do.

I won't go into social problems facing the country as i don;t have the time and patience to do that. But i will talk about something that i haven't been able to fathom at all. something that everyone can be involved in - movies. Recently I saw Ghajini (in a movie hall) with my frnds and colleagues from office. I had lot of expectations from the movie. After all Aamir khan in a Memento copy. Fireworks was what i was looking for. Alas, like everything else the movie too fell short on my expectations. How could a perfectionist like aamir make a movie like this. No reason why the songs were there in the movie. It was a revisit to the 70's - 80's film industry.

Audio and video not matching for the song. Come on, Jiah Khan dancing in an ultra modern video where the lyrics are - "Lattoo main Lattoo." Can you believe that. what were the music director, producer etc. thinking when they were doing this. same case about the third grade villain picked out. I'm not doubting his acting skills but i'm doubting the skills of casting director. Had the villain been a side kick which he actually is then i wouldn't have had any problem. but this was too much to digest. To top it all of you have the highly dramatic fight scenes where a single guy takes out a whole gang of goons. Even Dharmender, Bobby or even Sunny Paaji could do that.

Where was the charm that Aamir Khan brings for the audience? The only interesting thing about the movie was Asin. The damsel who stole a million hearts with her acting and her breath taking beauty. I swear if i did ever watch the movie again it will be only to see her.Moving on, as i have said the movie was a disaster to say the least. But surprise, surprise. What are its box office collections? More than 200 crores - with in 3 weeks. It has gone on to become the highest grosser setting its sight on 25 year record of Sholay. How can the public who has matured enough to understand what is right and wrong make such blunders.

And let me remind you that Ghajini is not alone in this. There was the biggest hit of last year Singh is Kinng (or Kingg) which shook the BO but on the other hand there were movies like Wednesday, mumbai meri jaan which actually were far better movies but couldn't do well. This brings me to a question. When the Indian public can't decide what's good or bad in movies and opts for simple masala without substance how is it mature enough to decide who should rule it. How can media even dream of selling the idea? To me the Indian public still has a long way to go before they can be trully called MATURE. There is still a long way to go before we see light at the end of the tunnel...

The Glorified Indian Voter

Much has been written in press and told in media with regards to the recent assembly election poll results. The Indian voter has been hailed as great and finally mature by every section of the media. Politicians, executives alike have come out in support of the positive thinking done by the voters. Everyone is happy at this accomplishment and why shouldn’t they be? After all they are finally being praised for doing something they have ignored doing properly for the last 62 years.
Rajdeep Sardesai has come out in support and criticized the strategies of BJP for using terror plank as a poll issue rather than helping the government. He has heaped insult on the party for being opportunistic. He has gone on to say how the Indian voter has finally realised what is right and wrong and who is good and not. Acknowledging the use of same weapon by the Congress in 1984 to win the Lok Sabha elections he fails to admit the atrocities committed by the congress workers in the Sikh community yet mere mention of Gujarat/Modi definitely brings Godhra into the picture.

Are Sikhs not Indians like the Muslims, Hindus, Christians, Jews and people following other religions? Then why is their plight never highlighted by the media. Why is their pain ignored and no demand made for the trials of the accused to be completed swiftly? Why the accused are currently sitting at the centre and enjoying the fruits of corruption whereas the one chief minister who has actually turned his state around always harangued like a boxers punching bag. These are questions I’m sure no one will answer and move them aside as mere rhetoric but there is a lot of truth behind them and it won’t die away.

Moving on I would like to categorically state that I believe that the Indian voter has lost an opportunity this month to bring stability to the country. By voting in congress the masses have given power to one party that has never been too keen on the development, security and growth issue. Congress has forever and ever right from its inception always sought to stay in power and do nothing. Like Bhagat Singh says in the movie Legend of Bhagat Singh, “Congress sirf tike rehna chahti hai.”

Agreed terror can not be contained single handedly and we do need higher levels of communication between intelligence agencies and greater cooperation between states to counter terrorism. Yes no one party can be blamed for the attacks and failure to cope with them in a swift and effective manner. Political class on a whole is truly at fault and I mince no words when I say that all of them should be incarcerated. But there is a touch to it. I have always believed that if you are up against the BAD and the UGLY go for BAD as UGLY would really be very ugly. Like the age old adage, “Andhon mein Kana Raja.” You are caught between the devil and the cliffs. So by voting in Congress the Indian voter has brought in the UGLY, The Blind and the Devil. How would you explain the mercy plea by the government itself for the Parliament Attacks’ prime accused and maser mind Afzal Guru or the repeated inaction on the part of J&K government to arrest and prosecute the terrorists in the valley. Their more than eager willingness to release the prisoners caught so valiantly by our armed forces in hopes of getting them the necessary punishment.

Coupled with all this is the never ending theories surrounding the Batla encounter and the recent Mumbai counter attack. There might not be any proof available to prove these theories of some wrong doing having taken place but yes they do force the mind to think in a different direction. You do sit up and wonder that what if this is true. Can it be? No it can’t, nobody could create such fake encounters. But as I see it when it comes to Congress nothing is impossible. When a power hungry head of state can have her own son eliminated to retain power god knows what they are capable of and to what depths of insanity they can fall to safeguard their interests.

Yes you might have seen by now that there is a certified negative bias towards Congress in my writing but I know that it’s not completely misplaced. There is truth in all that I have written and I sure as hell don’t believe in congress’ promise of development and safety. Had it ever been so we would have seen it by now. We wouldn’t have had to deal with what we are seeing today. The Indian voter has once again failed India, keeping in tune with what has been happening ever since independence. So to end this I have to say regrettably that no the Indian voter has not grown up. He has like always fallen on the false promises dished out by the most incompetent party of the world and set the country back by another 5 years.

P.S. – I have not added economic crisis to the list as I know that it’s a global phenomena and couldn’t have been avoided by the government and hence I do recognize that no part can be blamed for these tumultuous events.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

Its been a long time since i last wrote something.A change has come over me i must agree as regards my commitment towards my writing.I have grown a bit lazy to say the least, preferring to do other things while online (mainly chatting) rather than writing.Today if i'm writing anything it is primarily because currently i have no one to talk too :).But on a more serious note there has been lack of motivation on my part to write anything, quite evident from my last few posts.I don't know the reason for it and it has been worrying me for the past few days where i have wanted to write something but wasn't able to put anything together.If i were to take a guess i would say that the sense of sadness around me and in my life over the past month could be a reason.But i doubt whether it would be true as during the same time i have had few really wonderful moments beginning with my cousin's wedding and culminating in my exam result.

So i am back to square one.Trying to find the reason of this dilemma and to find a way to get out of it too.But on the other hand i have to admit that i have never been so confident of myself as i have been over this past week.I have never felt so good.This surely is a positive sign.I'm happy if not excited or elated currently nad guess that is all that one can ask for in today's time.I have faith and belief in myself (what if i got one thing wrong in the project :) ).All this has spurred me on to take life more easily and try having more fun.Then why the conundrum.Why can't i write?Why a person who has always got a 'Too Talkative' remark in his report card not being able to talk?

Voila!! looks like i have struck upon the solution (I'm a genious :) ).Jokes apart, i think taking my last few years into consideration since the time i started to write this blog and sometime before that, I got more talkative-wanting to pour my feelings/frustration out of me whenever i was feeling sad or depressed.However, when i was really happy and enjoying myself i didn't bother too much to write something.So in short my writing is somehow linked with my feelings and emotion and that is the reason why most of my articles are relating to sadness and pain.Some movie reviews did go through but they were written simply because the movies were awesome.I might have missed a few movies but then again i'm not really a movie reviewer :).

So where am i now?Enjoying loud, heavy music (Hindi too :) ) writing and enjoying myself. I'm finally listening to the same music that i have been avoiding for so long now simply because i hadve gotten bored with the same collection.Guess this comes with the jolly mood that i am currently in.I must admit I'M LOVING IT.Head banging and grooving to the beats.Man i had forgotten what great collection i have.This is a journey to the past of sorts.

I am happy yet feelings of restrain do arise.Is so much happiness acceptable.Will I not be hit by the cycle of life where each phase of happiness is followed by that of sadness and vice versa.But to that I can say that I’ve quit worrying about the future.It is so uncertain so why bother thinking about it.Things will happen at their own pace.So live and enjoy the present.Move on from the past and put the future aside.Live and let live.So what I am doing for this.For one I have decided to change things in my life a bit.I have decided to pursue things I have wanted to do for so long but never had the will to do.I am going to make every day of my life count and try find something important to remember it.So when I look back I can find more than a handful of days to remember.This is for that wave of optimism sweeping inside me – I DON’T WANNA MISS A THING……………….

Dear Diary

Over the past few months i have seen a lot happen around me and there have been many instances when i have felt like doing something out of all the frustration that had been building up inside me.But the non-violent attitude doesn't allow me to take up cudgels and fight against the perpetrators of all this nonsense.I instead have taken all of it and more as a bitter pill and swallowed all the anger everytime that something has happened.But rest assured these instances do leave a mark on the mind.What happens certainly affects you in ways you would not know at the moment but maybe sometime later on.They tend to form your views and opinions on certain issues and regarding certain people-people you know and people you don't know.This may not look all that bad but the feelings that develop as a consequence of this may come out at the wrong time and in the wrong manner which can be harmful for a lot of people around you.
My mind has been through hell and back during this year with a wonderful beginning but a sad and depressing end that just doesn't seem to end.I have been on the high and elated and down and out within matter of weeks if not days.The upheavels i have gone through personally plus what i have seen happen across the country has send my mind for a toss.There are so many feelings that have developed inside me with a lot of ambiguity.Don't know how to react to all this as its all very confusing.I have not been able to make sense of a lot of things.Being a practical, non-violent and realist person i look for reason in everything around me.I somehow have not been able to find the reason behind terrorism.
There are so many thoughts flowing around inside my head.So much to say, so much to write about,so much to do yet whenever I try to sit down and write something meaningful and interesting i fail miserably.I was baffled initially when i was hit by this.I was not sure that when i have so much to write why i'm not able to do it.I tried and tried but couldn't write anything good. Then it dawned on me that its because i have so much to write that i fail to write coherently. What i'm trying to say is that because of the monumental block of feelings stored up inside me, i have not been able to channelise it all into one flowing paragraph.That is the reason why there is no fluency, no clear cut thought process.
I have taken out all the pent up frustration in my life on the poor and hapless readers of this blog via my sometimes sad and depressing but sometimes meaningful articles (pray that they forgive me).But this time i haven't got a clue what to do because i can't write anything substantial. Always resulting in a botched up attempt at writing an article.I don't know till when this phase of sadness and gloom will last in my life but i surely hope that it ends soon as it is getting really tiring to put up with it day in and day out.After all there is alimit to how much i can take.I know i'm strong enugh to avoid imploding but am i strong enough to prevent myself from exploding?That is the answer i'm looking for in my life.
I don't know if all the crap i have dished out here today makes any sense to anyone because i for one can't make out a thing.It can be that my mind is to restless to read through all this or it might even be the distraction of the music ringing out in my ears but whtever be it i am glad i wrote something.I was beginning to feel that i might be losing my interest in writing and music at the same time but since i'm doing both the things together right now (listening to music and writing) i guess i need not worry on that front for now. So to end this sordid saga of my unnfortunate mind and its incapabilities i would sign off for the time being with my eveready one-liner - HAVE A NICE DAY.........see ya...

I'm Asking Why...!!!!

Long time has passed and a lot has happened in the world since I last felt like writing something. The Americans have their first Black President,financial crisis have changed the world scenario,terrorism is continuously climbing that never ending ladder. Personally, there is nothing great to write home about too. All in all i would say that I am longing for even an iota of good news in and around my lfe. I don't say that I'm sad and depressed but i won't say I'm elated either. I'm held up in a situation where everywhere i look i see gloom yet people somehow taking all of it and more in their stride and moving on with their lives. They are hurt yet they can't do anything about it and hence moving on is their only option.
Fresh piece of bad news that has hit me hard although I'm miles away from the drama and the action is the recent Terror strike in Mumbai. A 60 hour long siege where the city of Mumbai was literally brought to a halt. Held at ransom by a group of 15-20 people with sophisticated weapons at their disposal. The attack left 183 dead - 22 foreigners,20 Policemen,2 NSG commandos rest innocent civilians,caught in the crossfire between the terrorists and the security personnel. So many lives lost. Some very important people died,some not so important and a lot of common people going about their daily lives.
I am proud of all the people who fought to save the city from these bastards,I pray for the people who died and left their loved ones in grief.I pray for the people who managed to come out of the ordeal alive but are still shell shocked and traumatised.But I do not pray for the decision makers of this country and instead wish for them to rot in hell for as long as the devil wants.Its their incompetence for which the people of the country have to pay with their lives while they waste public money on themselves and their so not very important lives.I didn't lose anyone in the attack.No one i knew was present yet i am so saddened like the billions around the world at witnessing such a ghastly act of cowardness.
Only few hours have passed since the chaos finally ended with a monumental loss of life and property but I'm pretty sure that those in power and those wanting to get in power won't stop from using it as their agenda in the coming polls.They will try and drive maximum mileage out of this to suit their personal agendas and fill their overspilling coffers a lot more. Having sucked out the spirit of democracy from the mind and heart of the people they have literally sold the country to the wolves. The whole political class be it Left,Congress,BJP,BSP and many others are part of the same coin.There is not one leader whom you could look up to,whom you could respect,who could represent this large and (now) not so proud nation.
My mind keeps on coming back to the same point that all this sadness in one form or the other that we have become accustomed to seeing and being a part of in our daily lives must have roots somehere else than what we are made out to believe by the politicians and the media.I mean there must be more to it than meets the eye especially if you analyse the experiences of the last century.
I think no one could have ever guessed what the follies of one nation could do to the whole world.They brought destruction in terms of warfare.They gave rise to unbriddled consumerism to suit their own fucking lifestyle while the whole world suffered.they brought the global economy to recession with their flawed policies and regulations. They gave rise to terrorism all over the world in order to combat an enemy. It's the US that gave rise to Taliban in Afghanistan in order to fight USSR.They supplied all the arms and ammunition and reared a virus.But like all other viruses this too beat back the hand that fed it.Presto - 9/11.
And since then there has been no looking back.Countries have suffered,people have died,spirits killed yet no one has dared to stand up and ask where does all of this end? When will it stop? What can we do to stop all this? I have tried my hand but never reached anywhere close to an answer. I am mentally shaken by all of this and don't know what should be done.Do we go on a killing spree and kill all those suspected of terrorism in one single swoop to send out a message that we mean business and we shouldn't be taken lightly or do we sit back and think and take some decisions and wait a bit longer to implement them while we are faced with another such situation................................................

Deja Vu

It was a revisit to the forgotten past.Another trip down the painful and forgettable memory lane.A trip i didnt want to make.I wanted to move forward and not go back down again in my life but as fate would have it there is so much that you can do and wish for.There were so many hopes, so many wishes but all came to naught when that trip though unplanned and accidental came to be.All hopes broken in matter of time.Guess the apt words that could spring to mind would be-"Chann se jo tootte koi sapna....jag soona soona lagey jag soona soona lagey koi rahe na jab apna...jag soona ou?soona lagey."Trite, sure, but you can't run away from the truth, can you?
for 4 long years it had been the most important thing in my life.Everytime running after the same thing,for the same elusive(or illusive, i don't really know) victory.The past years were different in the sense that i knew that i still had it in me to take the fight to the next year.But this year was different.From the outset i knew that it would be my last attempt to gain that victory.No more attempts after this.But what does fate had in store for me.I guess something else.Like the horror of 2005 i had to face the same result.Same scores, same rejection.
I have always believed that whatever happens, happens for the best.That is why after coming so close to getting admission to the most coveted college of all in India - IIM's and not making the final cut i was over it(albeit after some time) thinking about the struggle the current batch would go through and how things would be different next year. But what next year am i talking about when i fail to get admission in the first place.The struggle of the past 4 years has taken its toll.I knew that i wouldn't give it another shot and now here i am, not knowing what to do.Where is the best part in all this for me i can't see right now, maybe somewhere down the line thr might be but i can't see anything right now.
I don't know if the shock i have felt will ever let go of me because to me getting that one seat was the most important thing in the world.Didn't want to settle for anything else.Its like when a child sees a toy and likes it and wants that particular toy and nothing else no matter what his parents might say about the other toys being good or equally good.The child wants the particular toy at all cost.My case is pretty much similar except for the fact that in case of the child the parents oblige by buying the toy i have no such recourse now.I can't be into IIM ever, just like i never got into IIT.
This brings me to another point that has been circulating in my mind since yesterday.All my life i have never got anything that i wished for and the few times that i have, it has always been accompanied with something else being taken away.Examples galore and i would be a fool to even think of narrating any one of them, there are so many.Rest of the times i haven't got what i wished for.Seems like luck has never been on my side and never will be.I know my thoughts are depressing and sad and people think i'm crazy doubting myself, but the hurt and the pain that i'm going through won't let me be.What is to become of me now.Will i get a chance elsewhere?Even so i will have to settle for something else.It would be a compromise that i will have to accept(If at all i get 'Lucky').The feeling will linger forever and ever........IIM remained an impossible dream.